


Sanctuary

by Verilidaine



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Takes place vaguely in seasons 2 - 6
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-02-22
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-11-26 13:30:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 103,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20931023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verilidaine/pseuds/Verilidaine
Summary: A haunted and despairing Aaron Hotchner finds solace and love in an unexpected form: a young priest named Spencer Reid.  Inspired by a kink!meme prompt found in end notes.  Please read the beginning notes.  Originally written in 2010.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, hello. I don't know how many of my old readers will find this, but yes, this is THE Sanctuary that I last updated on February 22, 2011. The bunny poked its head up and I have six new chapters, along with a plan for the full framework, and I'm planning to update about once per week. Because it isn't fully written, I can't make you any promises, but I do have full intentions of concluding the story. 
> 
> Reading over the original version, there is really a lot that I would go back and change if I was doing a true re-write. I've changed a lot as a person since I wrote this, and like to think that both I and my writing have improved. As is, I elected to do just some minor editing on the sections and things that made me cringe the most (like how my favorite word was apparently "suddenly"), but there are no massive structural changes. Of note, I did change one line to imply that Hotch is demisexual, an orientation I didn't know about when I was first writing this (and that Hotch is not aware enough about to identify as) but that I think suits him incredibly well. 
> 
> As a full disclaimer, no, I am not Catholic, nor was I raised Catholic. I was raised Protestant with one formerly-Catholic parent, with most of my extended family being Catholic, and it was something I was exposed to through visiting them. So while I tried, I know that some of the Catholicism details aren't quite there. 
> 
> As an additional disclaimer, I have elected not to use any archive warnings, due to their potential to spoil things that do or do not happen. There is no graphic non-con, however there is underage/non-con referenced a few times in the course of the BAU's work. If you have any particular squicks or triggers and want to know if they're present, leave me a comment and I'll be happy to let you know.

Aaron Hotchner never expected that he would end up here. He was the man who had had it all: money, looks, intelligence, an important, promising career that entry-level agents could only dream of, a beautiful wife who was his first sweetheart and his first love, and a son whom he loved more than anything else in this world. 

Yet here he was, stumbling through the rainy streets of downtown in the middle of the night at two in the morning because the bartender kept his keys and he didn’t have enough money to get a cab. 

It was gone, it was all gone, everything he had loved in his life. His wife left and took their son with her. He couldn’t get custody. No judge in the world would give custody to a father with a job with as much risk and time away as he had. Especially when the mother could be there, reliably. With his visitation and work schedules, he saw his son maybe once a month. He’d fought for more than a year for partial custody before his team finally counseled him to stop, told him it was tearing him apart and he couldn’t even see it.

Of course he could see it. He could  _ feel _ it. Feel the way their absence gnawed away at his heart, and into the empty spaces and the failure came rushing the sights and sounds of work, the mutilated bodies, the screaming victims, the laughing killers. They were going to eat away at him until he was nothing but a hollow shell, rocking in the corner of an asylum, muttering the names of those he had lost over and over and over. 

He ran into something and fell forward. His hands shot out and he caught himself, then looked up, squinting into the rain. He was on the steps of a cathedral. 

_ Sanctuary _ , whispered through his head, and the word had never sounded so enticing. Maybe it was nothing more than getting out of the cold and rain, but it was something. He stumbled his way up the steps and collapsed through the entry.

The doors closed behind him and the noise echoed through the hall. Aaron looked up. The lights were dim and the large room was deserted. There were rows and rows of pews, an alter at the front of the aisle, and a confessional to the side. 

He sank down into the third pew from the back, bending forward and holding his face in his hands. He wondered what Haley was doing, if he son ever asked about him, if he even missed him. He wondered what he could have done differently to save the young girl kidnapped from the playground. He wondered how much time, exactly, he would have to register the pain from eating a bullet before he died. 

“I’m sorry, were you looking for confession?” a soft voice suddenly asked.

Aaron bolted up in surprise, but his legs caught on the bench and he tripped sideways, just barely catching himself before falling between the rows to the floor. He looked up with wild eyes, automatically reaching for his gun and pulling it. 

There was a young man standing there, who held his hands up. “Okay, okay,” he said, very calmly. “You’re okay, I’m sorry I startled you. Why don’t you put that away?”

Aaron came to his senses very quickly at the sound of the voice and he put the gun he shouldn’t even have away with shaking hands. “I’m sorry,” he choked, standing more carefully. He ducked past the young man and headed towards the door. “I’ll go, I shouldn’t even be in here.” 

“Wait!” the man said, and ran forward. “Sir, please, wait. You came in here for a reason.” He touched Aaron’s shoulder gently. 

Aaron pulled away with a noise that sounded like a growl. “Leave me alone,” he ground out, and grabbed the handles. He pulled. They wouldn’t open. He pulled harder, then slammed his fist into the wood. The door pushed open slightly and the movement threw off his balance. As he tried to recover, he stepped back and tripped and fell hard to the ground.

The man was there immediately, kneeling, reaching out carefully to touch his shoulder again.

Aaron dissolved into sobs, slumping forward. “She left,” he choked. “She took him away, she took him away and I wasn’t—I wasn’t—and it’s so hard to keep going when I can’t save everyone—oh God—”

The young man wrapped one arm around Aaron’s chest and pulled his arm over his shoulders, standing, helping Aaron rise back up with him. “Come with me.” His voice was gentle. 

He led Aaron down the aisle and past the alter, to a door concealed behind a curtain. It opened to a little room that had a loveseat and a few armchairs, a table, a kitchenette, and a window with the curtains pulled shut. The young man sat Aaron down on the loveseat and disappeared for a minute before returning and pressing something into his hands.

Aaron looked down. He was holding a steaming mug of black coffee. He inhaled deeply. 

“That will warm you up,” the young man said, sitting down in the armchair across from him. 

Aaron took a small sip. “Thank you,” he mumbled without looking up. 

The young man waited while Aaron recovered, getting his breathing back under control as he nursed at the cup. His chills slowly went away and he felt himself relaxing. The pit in his stomach stayed, though. Coffee couldn’t chase away the black hole eating away at him. 

And then he felt hands covering his own and looked up at the young man. The bitter drink had cleared his head and he felt like he was seeing his companion for the first time. 

He was a priest, that was immediately apparent from his garb. His curled brown hair was slightly mussed, like he’d been laying down not long ago, and he had very light, delicate features. Honey brown eyes with dark shadows under them looked out from under thin eyebrows that were arched in concern. 

“You came here for something,” the priest said softly. “What was it?”

Aaron shook his head slightly. “I just wanted to get out of the rain.”

The priest smiled gently and nodded. “Everything happens for a reason,” he said, squeezing Aaron’s hands tightly before standing. “Feel free to stay,” he offered. “I’m going to return to my work, but please tell me if you need anything.”

Aaron forced a smile and nodded as the priest left. 

He finished the coffee and fell asleep on the couch. When he opened his eyes again, his head ached and light was streaming in through the opened curtain. A glass of water and a plate with an apple sat before him on the table. Aaron sat up and looked around. The room was empty.

He gulped down the water and considered the apple, but felt a guilty twist in his stomach and left it. He crept from the room. There were a few people kneeling in the pews, praying. He couldn’t see the priest from the previous night anywhere and he kept his head down as he exited as quietly as he could. 

* * *

They lost even more people on their next case. Aaron found himself kneeling on the ground yelling for paramedics, holding a young man in his arms as he bled to death. Even after he had showered, even after he was home and away from everything, he looked down and saw blood on his hands. 

He found himself walking back up the steps of the cathedral. He paused at the door and pressed his hand to the wood. It felt cool and damp. He paused there, thought of turning away; he didn’t know why he was here, but he felt drawn to the place. 

He opened the door, slipping in as quietly as he could, and looked around the space for the second time. It was peaceful, grand, and full of an ancient reverence that made Aaron’s chest feel tight. He let out a slow breath and made his way to the confessional box and stepped inside. He sat down and bowed his head forward, clasping his hands. He needed to think. 

“You’re back,” came a familiar soft voice from the other side of the box. 

Aaron’s head shot up. 

“Please don’t point a gun at me again,” the priest said, a smile in his voice. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize someone was in here,” Aaron said. “I just…”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?” the priest offered. 

Aaron took a deep breath. “I don’t want to bother you,” he said. 

“Nonsense,” the priest said. “This is my job, remember.”

Aaron was silent. 

The priest seemed uncertain; Aaron could hear his breath stop for a moment as he thought about what to say. “Forgive my unorthodox manner,” he finally said, hesitant. “If you would prefer a more traditional confession…”

Aaron snorted. “No,” he said. “It isn’t that. I just don’t want to talk about…”

“Something brought you here,” the priest said. “What is it?”

Aaron leaned forward, holding his head in his hands. So many images flooded through his mind, so many faces, so much guilt, so much hurt. He didn’t think there was a way to express any of it, didn’t even want to burden another human with the dredges of his mind. 

But the priest’s voice was smooth and warm and inviting, and  _ God _ , it had been so long since he had let down his shields, maybe just this once, just this once he could talk to another person about this black despair he felt consuming him.

“I—I don’t know,” he finally said. 

“Are there sins you want to confess?”

Aaron thought, long and hard. “I’m not sure,” he said. 

“What are you not sure about?”

“About…about if I’ve sinned or not.”

“Explain that to me,” the priest said. 

Aaron sighed. “I worked so hard that I didn’t realize I was neglecting my wife, that she was growing away from me. I didn’t realize how sad she was. I should have tried harder to be there, when I was at home, but I couldn’t, and she left. She took my son with her.”

“What were you thinking about when you were at home?”

“Work,” Aaron said quietly. 

“What do you do for work?”

“I catch serial killers,” Aaron said, his voice barely audible. “We catch most of them, eventually, but we can’t save everyone. I held a boy while he died today.” He wanted to stop talking there, but words kept spilling out. “Sometimes they kill children and sometimes they rape them first, and sometimes they even get away. I try to save everyone but I just can’t, I’m not good enough, and every time I sleep I dream about all that blood and I see their faces again.” He took a shuddering breath. “I wish I could stop seeing them and hearing their voices. I can’t stop wondering what more I could have done to save them.” 

There was silence on the other side of the confessional and Aaron held his breath, fists clenched, wondering if he’d said too much. The priest must hate him for knowing he let people die.

Then Aaron heard a movement and sound as the priest left the box. His heart sank and he choked back a sob. 

But then his door opened and light streamed in. Aaron looked up and saw the priest standing there, looking at him eyes that were full of impossibly deep concern and care. He held out his hand. “Come with me,” he said. 

Aaron took his hand and allowed himself to be led out of the box. He followed the priest out to the front pew where they sat. The priest kept his hands folded tightly around Aaron’s as he spoke. 

“There are many evils in this world,” he said softly. “Evil is a relentless, ultimately unstoppable force, and it will never rest. It will never wait. All anyone can do is react as best they can, but even then, it will do its harm. Innocents will always be lost. But you  _ must _ know that it is never your fault.”

“It is when I can’t find them fast enough,” Aaron whispered.

“ _ No _ ,” the priest said. “When someone dies too soon, it is never your fault, and should never be your burden to bear. You were chosen for a difficult task, one that would fell many others. Every time you blame yourself, you are taking away from your ability to find the next killer. No one deserves to shoulder the guilt of others, especially not you.”

Aaron tried to respond and realized he was crying. “I can’t help it,” he managed. “I see their faces every time I close my eyes.” He sobbed harshly and looked up into the priest’s eyes. “What can I do?”

The priest gave him a small, sad smile. “You must start with the hardest part,” he said, and touched the side of Aaron’s face with his fingertips. “You must forgive yourself.”

Aaron’s breath caught. “I don’t know how,” he said. 

“I know,” the priest said. “Few do. Think on it. Come back after you have had time for self reflection.”

Aaron nodded. He felt more confused now than before, but he also felt relieved. Someone knew about his failings and hadn’t rejected him. He stood. 

“What is your name?” the priest asked, then after a moment he added, “So I can pray for you.”

“Aaron Hotchner,” Aaron said. “What’s yours?”

The priest smiled in a way that made Aaron feel like he was missing out on something. “I suppose in here I’m Father Reid,” he said. “But most people call me Spencer.”

“Thank you, then, Spencer,” Aaron said. “For listening.”

Spencer nodded. “Always,” he promised.

* * *

Aaron returned one week later, again at night. “Hello?” he whispered into the large room. 

“Aaron,” came that familiar voice, and a shape moved on the steps in front of the alter. Spencer had been sitting there. 

“Are you always here so late?” Aaron asked.

“Mostly,” Spencer said. “I find the quiet good for reflection. Have you thought more on what I said?”

Aaron knew a question evasion when he heard one, but decided not to press. “Yes,” he said. “But I’m still not sure…”

“Come sit with me,” Spencer said, and Aaron joined him on the front pew again. “What have you thought about?” he asked after they were both sitting. 

“I thought about how I know I can’t be to blame,” Aaron said. “I know it wasn’t me who killed those people.”

“Good,” the priest said, nodding. “What else?”

“I know that I always work as hard as I can to catch the unsub,” Aaron said. “That there is nothing I can do to find them faster.”

Spencer nodded again. “But?”

“I still can’t stop feeling guilty,” Aaron said, his voice dropping. 

“That’s the part everyone struggles with,” Spencer said. “Let me ask you this: if those people you see, the ones you lost, could look back into their lives, what do you think they would feel about you?”

“I think they would hate me,” Aaron said. “For letting them down.”

“I think,” Spencer said slowly, pressing his fingers together in a steeple, “They would thank you.”

Aaron’s head jerked up. “What?”

“You fought for them, with all your strength,” Spencer said. “You did everything you could to save them, but someone else got to them first. And even after they were lost, you fought for justice to be done.”

Aaron nodded, fighting to keep his breathing steady. 

“Let me ask you something,” Spencer said softly. “When those people think about the person who did them the most harm, who do they imagine?”

“I—I guess their killers,” Aaron admitted.

“Who you caught so they could never kill again,” Spencer said. “So why would they hate you at all?”

Aaron nodded again. He didn’t think he could speak.

“You’re having so much trouble because you think you must be hated,” Spencer said, and he pressed his hand over Aaron’s. “But you aren’t, not by them. You need to forgive yourself, Aaron.”

Aaron sobbed and pressed his hand over his eyes, feeling every part of himself breaking apart. He didn’t know how to forgive himself, how to let go. And then he felt strong, steady arms wrap around him and the priest’s forehead touched his own and he heard a gentle whisper: “I forgive you.”

Aaron turned into the priest’s hold and clung to him. Some small part of him felt so infantile, so completely ridiculous, but he didn’t care. Spencer faithfully held him until the tears stopped and he felt like he could stand.

He left soon, embarrassed, and there was a quietly amused look on Spencer’s face as he made his way awkwardly to the door. Aaron made his way home by walking, watching as the sky grew lighter and dawn broke. When the sun hit his face he stopped and closed his eyes. For the first time in a long time, he felt himself smile. 

* * *

Aaron returned to the cathedral the next Sunday morning and slipped into the back of the congregation. He hadn’t been to church in a very long time, and never to a Catholic service. 

He focused on Spencer, who was delivering the sermon. He was speaking to the nature of good and evil and how a person can learn to see these driving forces within himself. Aaron very quickly recognized some of the theories as Buddhist in origin. He wondered if anyone else in the room did, too. 

As the service went on, Aaron found himself focusing less on Spencer’s words and more on Spencer himself. He’d never had this much time to just observe the man, who was, as it turned out, a highly animated speaker. He never stopped moving his hands and often shifted on his feet, even sometimes pacing back and forth. His black uniform accented his height and a slender build that Aaron had never really noticed before. 

And then he found himself staring at the priest’s lips, soft and light, and wondering what it would feel like to press that lithe body against a wall and claim that mouth with his own—

Aaron felt like a thunderclap had just gone off in the back of his head and he looked down to see his hands shaking. 

He swallowed heavily and forced himself to look back up. The light streaming in from the stained glass mural behind the alter caught Spencer’s golden brown curls and made his skin, which looked so pale against the black clothing, seem warm. Aaron wanted to touch that skin, see what it looked like in the moonlight--

Aaron took a steadying breath and tried to slow his pounding heart. He could barely wait for the end of the service, which seemed to take too long and come too soon all at once, before making a hasty escape. 

* * *

He was back that same night. He found himself worrying that the priest wouldn’t be there, since he had been in so early that morning, but as soon as he entered, he heard the warm greeting from the alter. 

Spencer was standing there, looking like he had been pacing. He came to greet Aaron midway down the aisle. 

“I saw you this morning,” he said as they walked back to the alter steps to sit. “How did you like the sermon?”

“I enjoyed it,” Aaron answered honestly. “But…I didn’t realize this church was so liberal.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Buddhist theology,” Aaron said. “I was surprised to hear you using it.”

“Ah…” Spencer said, and to Aaron’s surprise, he actually looked a little embarrassed. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t inquire about that to any of the others, I could lose my position.”

“But…”

“I have the unfortunate habit of curiosity,” Spencer said, and Aaron could hear something almost bitter in his voice. “I have read the works and teachings of every major religion and spiritual theory, and many of the smaller ones, as well. I pull guidance from wherever I can.”

“You speak more to human nature than God,” Aaron said. 

“I do,” Spencer admitted.

“It works well,” Aaron said, letting his voice drop to a low murmur. He leaned in closer and brushed his fingers against the priest’s arm. “It was a very  _ beautiful _ sermon.”

Spencer just looked at him with a smile and a simple, “Thank you.” And before Aaron could say anything else, he asked, “How are you doing?”

“I’m well,” Aaron said. “I really am. I thought a lot, about everything you said. My job will never be easy, but I feel calmer.”

“I’m happy for you,” Spencer said, meeting Aaron’s eyes. 

Aaron felt his breath stolen away.

* * *

Aaron returned to the church frequently when his work schedule allowed it and when he wasn’t too tired. He learned that Spencer was always there at night and he learned from watching the way all the officials interacted after services that the young priest was not fully accepted into their social group. Whenever he spoke to one of them, his entire demeanor changed. He became shy, eyes downcast, and fumbled awkwardly with his words (adorably awkwardly, Aaron thought).

That didn’t seem to bother him much, though. He spent most of his time talking to members of the congregation, smiling always. Soon Aaron realized that his smile was almost always present when he spoke to others, never too imposing, just a faint quirk of his lips that didn’t disappear until he thought no one was watching him. 

All the while Aaron grew closer to the priest and sometimes their talks stretched far into the night and even into dawn. He began to understand the shadows under his eyes. 

“Why are you always here at night?” Aaron asked one night.

The question made Spencer hesitate, something that rarely happened. “I find peace here,” he finally said, his voice quiet. 

“But peace from what?” Aaron pressed. “Surely your home can be peaceful, too.”

Spencer turned away at those words and for the first time since Aaron had met him, he didn’t answer. 

“Spencer?” Aaron asked, carefully reaching around and touching his fingers to the priest’s cheek and turning his face back. 

“There is no peace in my house,” Spencer whispered. He gestured to the room. “This is my sanctuary.”

Aaron leaned in close. “I could bring you peace in my home,” he murmured. 

Spencer just gave him that infuriatingly innocent smile and thanked him for the offer, but politely declined. 

* * *

“Why did you go into the priesthood?”

Spencer seemed caught off-guard by the question, and it was one Aaron had been preparing for a while. He noticed that Spencer very rarely spoke of God, even in his sermons, and he was starting to wonder whether the younger man even believed in one. 

When Spencer took too long to answer, Aaron took his hand and squeezed tightly. “You can tell me anything, you know.”

Spencer gave him a brief smile. “That’s my job,” he teased, then sobered. “I’ve always wanted to help people,” he said. “I’m good at reading them, at seeing what they need.”

“Why not be a therapist?”

Spencer shook his head slightly. “Psychology brings back bad memories. This was a better way to reach out to people. I can speak to anyone, at any time. They don’t need to pay me, they don’t need to schedule an appointment.”

“But the religion…”

“A means to an end,” Spencer said. 

Aaron reached up and stroked his fingers down the side of Spencer’s face. “You’ve spent your whole life sacrificing yourself for others,” he said. “Why don’t you let someone else help you instead?”

“I don’t need any help,” Spencer said.

“You’re not the only one good at reading people,” Aaron said. “I see you, too. You’re unbearably lonely. You leave nothing for yourself.” He paused, licked his lips. “Let someone in.”

“I’m really—”

“Let  _ me _ in,” Aaron said, gazing into Spencer’s eyes. He curled his hand around the young man’s neck, speaking in a deep voice. “Don’t you think that would feel good, letting me in?”

Spencer laughed. “I feel fine, Aaron,” he said. 

Aaron had to fight to keep his jaw from dropping. Either Spencer was the most polite man on earth, or the most oblivious. 

He was going to find out, one way or another. 

* * *

Aaron brought Spencer flowers the next time he visited. Not just any flowers, but a bouquet of deep red roses and delicate white tuberoses. A mix of the universal symbol for passion and love with a flower that was rumored to have aphrodisiac qualities, which symbolized dangerous pleasure. Spencer, Aaron had discovered, read and remembered everything he could get his hands on, especially books dealing with spirituality and meaning. Surely he had read something about flowers.

When he handed them over, Spencer took them and his eyes lit up. “Thank you, Aaron!” he said. Aaron thought for a split second that he understood, and then he turned around and took them up to the alter. 

“These will be perfect to brighten the room,” Spencer announced. 

Aaron could only stare.

* * *

He decided to be more direct the next time. During a lull in conversation, Aaron asked, “Would you like to go out?”

“Go out where?” Spencer asked. 

Apparently not direct enough. 

“You know…” Aaron said. “Out.”

“Yes,” Spencer said. “You said that. Where?”

“Um…coffee. My treat.”

“You do know my weaknesses,” Spencer said, with a smile that made Aaron feel weak. 

* * *

Their coffee “date” had to be put on hold for a few weeks while Aaron was away on work, and it unfortunately wasn’t as romantic as Aaron had planned. He was shaken from the case and Spencer spent most of the time consoling him, coaching him on how to live through the loss and the guilt, guiding him through the darker moments. 

It wasn’t until almost a week later when Aaron was able to get over to the church at night. True to form, he found Spencer there alone. 

“Come with me,” Aaron said, and held out his hand. 

Spencer took it and rose to his feet and Aaron led him to the front of the room so they were standing right in front of the alter. 

“Spencer Reid,” Aaron said. “You are not getting any of my hints.”

Confusion flashed across Spencer’s face. “About what?”

Aaron placed one hand firmly against the priest’s waist and pulled him close. He leaned in so their lips were almost touching and ran his thumb along Spencer’s cheekbone back to his ear and down to his neck before following the path with his mouth, just barely brushing against the younger man’s skin. He tightened his grip around Spencer’s waist and brought their bodies flush together. He heard Spencer’s breath hitch in surprise and he pressed kisses all down the side of his neck to the top of his collar. 

“About this,” Aaron whispered, lifting his head. He met Spencer’s eyes, which were wide with surprise, cupped his fingers under his chin, and tilted his head and leaned in and kissed him. 

He could feel that Spencer didn’t know what to do, so he kept the kiss very short and gentle before pulling back and resting his forehead against the priest’s. 

“Aaron,” Spencer breathed. 

“Is this okay?” Aaron asked softly. 

“I—I’m not even sure what this is,” Spencer admitted with a nervous laugh. 

“A kiss,” Aaron said, amused. “Maybe more. If you want.”

“I’ve never…” Spencer said shyly. 

“I know,” Aaron said. 

Spencer licked his lips, hesitantly, and then glanced at Aaron with an adorable embarrassed grin and a blush. “It felt good,” he admitted.

Aaron grinned.  _ Finally! _ he cheered to himself. “Come home with me,” he said. “I hate the idea of you here alone all night.”

Spencer smiled at him, and Aaron realized it was a different smile than the one he had grown so accustomed to. This one was real and happy, and then Spencer nodded, and pulled Aaron in for another shy kiss. 


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron woke up the next morning to sunlight hitting him in the face. He scowled and squinted his eyes and got out of bed to go twist the blinds the other way before crawling back under the covers. He didn’t lay down, but took the moment to rest against the headboard and look at his companion. 

Spencer was on the other side of the queen mattress, curled on his side, deep asleep. He had borrowed some old clothes of Aaron’s for the night and they had sat in Aaron’s living room talking about the nature of narcissism and pride before going to bed. Aaron hadn’t kissed him again, because he could sense that Spencer was nervous, and instead waited for him to make the next move. 

It was hard to resist the temptation to reach over and brush his fingers through Spencer’s curls. They were falling into his face and mussed from sleep. His lips were parted slightly and his breathing was soft, steady. One of his hands was in front of his face, the fingers curled slightly in. 

Aaron knew he had to wait to touch Spencer while they were in a bed. The younger man had offered several times to sleep on the couch, and Aaron knew he was scared. He suspected that Spencer had never had someone in his life to support him, and knew only how to support others. He couldn’t imagine how that had happened, but it meant he needed to be patient. 

So instead, he watched, and smiled, and then lay his head back down on his pillow and slipped back into sleep.   


* * *

He awoke a few hours later to the smell of coffee. He opened his eyes and saw that the bed was empty. He rose and ran his fingers through his hair a few times and padded out into the main room of his apartment. 

Spencer was sitting on the couch looking at a book in his lap, using one hand to flip the pages and the other to hold his coffee. Aaron smiled. The priest was a coffee addict. He’d have to be, with the hours he kept. Aaron wasn’t actually sure when he slept and never wanted to ask, but he suspected it was usually short naps during the day on the loveseat in the back room. He was determined to change that. 

“Good morning,” he said, trying not to startle him. 

It didn’t work. Spencer jumped slightly and some of his coffee sloshed over the edge down onto the pages and the floor. 

“Oh—I’m so sorry!” Spencer said, putting the mug on the coffee table and jumping up with the book and heading right for the kitchen. 

Aaron beat him there and grabbed some paper towels and held them out. 

Spencer kept his face down as he mopped at the pages. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “I’ll get you a new one, I swear—” He set the book down on the counter and headed back towards the couch with more paper towels. 

“Spencer,” Aaron said, and reached out, grabbing his arm. 

Spencer flinched and stopped. He turned, keeping his eyes down. “I’m really sorry, I can go if you want, or I’ll get the rest of the coffee up—”

“It’s just coffee,” Aaron said. “The rug is already stained anyway, it’s really okay.” As he spoke, he got a hand towel out and went over to the spill. Spencer stayed rooted where he was and still wouldn’t look up.

Aaron paused, then went back to him. He touched Spencer’s shoulder. “It’s just coffee,” he said again. “Are you okay?”

Spencer nodded, finally looking up at him. Aaron smiled warmly at him, which finally got the priest to relax a little bit before he started working on the spill.

“Sorry,” Spencer said when Aaron stood back up. He was hugging his arms around his abdomen. “I get—kind of nervous, in other people’s homes.”

Aaron learned something about Spencer in that moment. He was terrified of being an inconvenience. “You don’t need to be nervous here,” he said. 

Spencer nodded. “I’ll get you a new book, I promise. But I saw this one was signed…”

Aaron laughed. “Not if you were reading what I think you were, you won’t,” he said, and walked back into the kitchen. One glance at the back cover told him all he needed to know. David Rossi was there, wearing that trademark smug look of his. Aaron picked the book up and brought it back over, showing Spencer. “I just wish you’d managed to spill some on him, too.” 

Spencer blushed lightly and finally smiled. 

Aaron got himself a mug of coffee and joined Spencer on the couch. “So, profiling?”

“I’ve been reading about it recently,” Spencer explained. “I wanted to understand it better so I could understand your work.” 

“You’re probably more of an expert on it now than I am,” Aaron said, chuckling. 

* * *

They fixed breakfast and talked for a few hours before Spencer’s demeanor suddenly changed and he asked, “Do you want me to go?”

Aaron frowned. “Why would I want you to go?” he asked, putting his mug down and turning his full attention to the young man next to him, who was physically withdrawn in every way possible. 

Spencer bit his lip, his eyes moving to the side, avoiding Aaron’s. “It’s just…you haven’t…and I thought maybe you were regretting…”

Christ, Aaron thought to himself. Spencer thought that because he hadn’t tried to kiss him again he didn’t want him anymore and therefore didn’t want him in his home. It took inordinate amounts of self-deprecation to be as hesitant and careful as Spencer was being. Aaron now understood clearly why he spent so much time in the cathedral. He felt in the way anywhere else. 

Aaron took the young man’s hand and pressed it firmly. “You need to understand something,” he said, and Spencer flinched. Aaron immediately lifted his hand and curled it around the base of Spencer’s neck and leaned in closely. He felt Spencer shiver. “I haven’t kissed you again because I know this is new for you and I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“I don’t feel pressured,” Spencer said quickly. 

Aaron laughed quietly. “But you look like a scared rabbit,” he said, teasing gently, and leaned to the side so he could brush his lips to Spencer’s cheek. “Whenever you’re ready,” he murmured, moving his thumb in small circles on the priest’s neck. 

Spencer shivered again and sighed softly. He tilted his head and his hand reached up to cover Aaron’s. His grip was tight, and Aaron turned his wrist to intertwine their fingers, moving back and bringing the priest’s knuckles up to press a kiss to each one. He heard Spencer hold his breath while he watched. He looked up. “Whenever you’re ready,” he repeated. 

* * *

Aaron drove Spencer to the cathedral later that evening. He had a Saturday night meeting followed by a Sunday morning mass. Aaron pulled up in front of the steps and put the car in park. “What time will the meeting be over?”

“Late,” Spencer said, looking up at the church with a wariness that Aaron had never seen in him before. 

“Call me, I’ll come get you.”

“You can get me tomorrow after mass,” Spencer offered. “I don’t want you to have to drive back in the morning.”

“It’s better than you sleeping here,” Aaron said. 

Spencer smiled slightly, and Aaron recognized it as the smile the priest wore whenever he thought he was being watched, but not the one he wore when he was genuinely happy. “I don’t mind,” Spencer said. “You know that. We might not be done until after midnight.” He reached over, took Aaron’s hand, and kissed the back. “Okay?”

Aaron wanted to frown and keep arguing, but instead nodded. “Breakfast tomorrow, after the service? My treat.”

The smile shifted to the genuine one and Spencer nodded. He unbuckled and went for the door, then hesitated, turned back, and leaned in towards Aaron. It was awkward, in the car, but he lifted his hand up to Aaron’s shoulder and kissed him, gently, still shy. 

Aaron touched his fingers to Spencer’s neck, very lightly, and felt the priest shiver. The kiss deepened for a moment before Spencer pulled away. “See you tomorrow,” he said, then ducked his head and climbed out of the car. 

Aaron watched him until he was safely at the door before driving away. As he headed home, he let his mind wander. 

The first thing that went through his head was,  _ What the hell am I doing? _ He hadn’t really thought to stop and examine his actions while he was trying to seduce Spencer, but now he couldn’t imagine what he’d been thinking. Getting into a homosexual romantic relationship with a  _ Catholic priest? _

_ You’ve done it now, Aaron, _ he thought to himself. 

But even while he pondered the ludicrous nature of the whole situation, there was never even a flicker of doubt as to what he was going to do now. Just thinking of the priest calmed him, made him want to close his eyes and smile. The memory of his lips was breathtaking. There was something sweet and calm about Spencer that spread to everyone around him, and kissing him was like nothing Aaron had ever experienced before. He hadn’t expected kissing a man could feel so… _ perfect. _

And then Aaron couldn’t suppress the shiver that went through him when he thought about how hesitant and inexperienced Spencer was and how amazing kissing him would be when he grew more confident. 

Aaron hoped he could guide Spencer, teach him how believe in himself. He ached when he thought of how lonely the priest’s life was, of what could have possibly happened to him to make him so afraid of being a bother. 

Then Aaron frowned. Being a bother…

_ “I don’t want you to have to drive back in the morning… _ ”

Aaron slammed on the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road, frowning. He had just let Spencer talk him into reinforcing that insecurity. He checked his mirror for any oncoming cars, then turned the wheel as hard as he could and headed back into town. He was not going to let Spencer get away with that, so he went into the first bar he found, ordered a beer, and settled down in a corner with a book and waited. 

* * *

Around midnight Aaron checked his watch and paid his tab—one beer and two virgin cocktails—and got back into his car. He drove to the church and circled around the block once. Several of the cars were still there, but as he circled a second time, he saw some men leaving and driving away so he parked and headed into the church. 

The sanctuary was empty but Aaron could hear voices coming from behind the curtains. They sounded loud. He slipped into a pew near the back of the room and bowed his head and clasped his hands, waiting. Any of the others would probably just assume he was a late night worshiper as they left. 

It was about ten more minutes before the voices stopped and Aaron heard a door slamming. He glanced up and saw four men standing at the altar, Spencer and three others he didn’t recognize. He frowned. 

Spencer’s body language was withdrawn, cautious, submissive. One of the others was talking to him and everything about him screamed aggressive alpha male, from the tone of his voice to the way he moved his hands. Aaron clenched his hands and choked back the immediate territorial surge that rushed through him. Spencer wasn’t  _ his _ , he had no right to feel possessive. 

The man finished, Spencer said something softly, and the man stormed away. Aaron glanced up to see the two others linger sympathetically for a moment. One of them squeezed his shoulder before they, too, walked away. Aaron saw Spencer’s gaze follow them down the aisle, and then stop as soon as he reached him. He froze, eyes going wide. 

As soon as the others had walked past him, Aaron raised his head and met Spencer’s stare fully. As soon as he heard the door close, he rose and walked to the younger man, who remained rooted in place, still staring at him. 

Aaron stopped before he reached him, far enough away to quietly ask, “Is anyone else here?”

When Spencer shook his head, Aaron closed the distance between them and kissed him deeply, holding onto Spencer’s arms and squeezing reassuringly. “Are you okay?” he asked. 

Spencer nodded. Aaron could see unshed tears.

“Are you sure?” he asked, brushing his thumb over Spencer’s cheek. 

“I’m sure,” Spencer said. He lowered his eyes and shifted back. “I’m sorry if you’ve been waiting long,” he murmured. 

“Don’t apologize,” Aaron said. “I’ve been waiting for as long as I wanted to. You aren’t a bother, not at all.” 

Spencer nodded, but Aaron knew he didn’t believe it. Not yet. It would take time. 

“Let me take you home,” he said. “You look like you could use your own bed.” 

Spencer smiled bitterly. “I’d rather sleep here than in my own bed,” he said. 

“Then sleep in mine,” Aaron said. He was immediately rewarded with a graceful blush and a shy but delighted smile. 

But Spencer still hesitated. “What about the service? You’d have to wake up at—”

“I do not care,” Aaron said, puncturing his words with kisses. “You coming or not?”

Spencer met his eyes and slipped his hand into his and Aaron led him away. 


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron scowled without opening his eyes when his beeping phone woke him up and he was about to roll over to the side to grab the offensive object when he became aware of another sensation that made him still. His arm was stretched out and his hand had curled around Spencer’s waist. Spencer, who was facing away from him, had one hand laying over his own. His heart started racing. 

The noise woke the younger man a few moments later and he shifted, letting his hand drop as he yawned. Aaron felt the way he also stilled as soon as he felt the touch and he held his breath as he waited for the results of Spencer’s assessment. And then Spencer’s hand slipped back over his own and Aaron let the breath out and tightened his grip, pulling closer until their bodies were flush. Spencer’s fingers entwined with his and they lay still together before Spencer finally twisted his head around and kissed Aaron sleepily. “Turn that off,” he murmured. 

Aaron obeyed, regretting how long he had to break the contact between them to do so. Apparently Spencer felt the same because he rolled onto his back and grabbed Aaron and pulled him down, kissing him harder, surprising him with his boldness.

Aaron settled on top of the younger man and started running his hands over the priest’s neck and sides. He felt the shiver and the immediately response as Spencer pushed back up against him. Aaron gasped at the friction and couldn’t stop himself from biting down on Spencer’s collar. The priest made an inaudible gasp, but Aaron could feel the way it made his chest hitch and he ground his hips back. 

The next sound Spencer made was far from inaudible and it pushed the last coherent thought that Aaron had about how they needed to get out of bed, get dressed, stop touching, right out of his head and drove him forward with need. 

Spencer arched his back and parted his lips, panting deliciously. His fingers found an anchor in Aaron’s hair and he caught his mouth in a hard, demanding kiss. Aaron responded all too eagerly. His hand ran down Spencer’s side to his waist and he slipped his fingers under the priest’s cotton shirt, touched skin that was already hot with desire—

The alarm went off again and the harsh, jarring beeps startled them apart. Aaron rolled off of Spencer with a growl and reached for the phone with every intent of taking it and throwing it as hard as he could against the wall, but his fingers automatically found the silent button and his head cleared enough for him to let the phone drop safely onto the nightstand. 

He let out a slow breath, but the tension stayed in his body. He swallowed and cleared his throat and turned back. 

Spencer was lying prone, eyes closed, taking deep breaths. He was trembling. He also cleared his throat. “What time is it?” His voice was strained.

Aaron told him. 

Spencer nodded and sat up with effort. “I need to shower,” he said, and rushed to the bathroom.

Aaron heard the blast of water that he knew without a doubt was icy cold. He winced as he imagined it, but as he sat up and his boxers moved over his flesh, he also knew that that same freezing shower was also in his immediate future. He ground his teeth against the desire to press his hand into his lap, to relieve  _ any _ of the tension, and instead forced himself to his closet to pick out clothes. 

A few minutes later Spencer came back out, dressed in a shirt and boxers and smiled at Aaron, gesturing shyly towards the bathroom. Aaron gave a resigned sigh and disappeared through the door with his chosen outfit to shower and dress while Spencer got ready in the bedroom. 

The cold water was every bit as unpleasant and effective as he’d imagined and Aaron was shivering after just a few moments. He quickly rubbed some shampoo into his hair and scrubbed his body down, rinsed as quickly as he could and turned the water off. He eagerly wrapped himself in the towel, his teeth chattering and his body now wide awake from shock. He dressed quickly and toweled and combed his hair before going back into the bedroom. 

Spencer was standing next to the bed, hair damp but combed, fully dressed in his robes. He raised an eyebrow when he saw Aaron’s clothes. Nice clothes, just needing a tie and jacket. “Where are you going?” he asked. 

“I’m staying for the service,” Aaron informed him as he went to his ties and examined them. He felt Spencer step behind him and arms wrapped comfortably around his waist. 

“But you aren’t religious,” Spencer said, resting his chin on Aaron’s shoulder. 

Aaron smirked and turned his head, kissing Spencer briefly. “Neither are you.” 

“I’m spiritual,” Spencer said with a hint of a sulk in his voice. It wasn’t a disagreement. “I like that brown one.” 

Aaron pulled the tie out and regretfully stepped away from Spencer to put it on. “Buy you a coffee on the way?”

“Only if I can get a pastry too,” Spencer replied with a grin. 

“Make it a low-fat yogurt parfait and you have a deal,” Aaron said. He finished putting on the tie and swiftly kissed Spencer to erase the pout from his lips. “Healthy food won’t kill you, you know,” he said. “And  _ you _ can buy whatever you want. But if you eat it without complaining, I’ll even consider buying you a pastry for brunch.” 

* * *

Aaron could tell that Spencer wanted him to sit in the back and he was fine with that, but only because he also knew it wasn’t going to prevent him from watching his behavior as soon as he got near the older man who had been yelling at him the night before. 

It was a textbook display of aggressive-submissive interaction. Spencer kept his eyes down, widened his path, and the other man ignored him until he had passed before sending a narrowed look his way as he sat down with the others behind the altar. The mass began. 

Spencer wasn’t speaking today, Aaron realized before too long with a pang of disappointment. As much as he wanted to leave as soon as he discovered that, he stayed in the back, listening respectfully as two of the older priests led mass, participating where he could out of respect and waiting patiently through the parts he didn’t know. 

When the service finally finished, Aaron waited and watched, leaning forward and resting his arms on the pew in front of him. A crowd of people headed to the front and the staff greeted them warmly, shaking their hands, exchanging compliments and pleasantries and queries about loved ones. Those who approached Spencer did so with a puzzled look, Aaron noticed, all asking him a question. His answer, whatever it was, was an identical smile, gesture, and slight shake of his head as he spoke to each new person. The people looked reassured and only then did they move onto the pleasantries and queries. 

Aaron stood up and met Spencer’s eyes and motioned with his head that he would wait outside. Spencer smiled and nodded slightly before turning back to the older woman who was describing what looked like a newborn from the way she was holding her arms. Her face was glowing. Spencer nodded encouragingly as she spoke and Aaron could only marvel at the confidence he found when he was talking to these people. 

He sat down on the steps in the sun and leaned against one of the front pillars, closing his eyes and basking. He was almost dozing off before he heard a quiet chuckle next to his ear and he turned to see Spencer there, kneeling down next to him. 

“Brunch?” Spencer asked. 

Aaron stretched. “All done?”

Spencer nodded. He stood up and took enough steps back to be standing an appropriate distance from Aaron as he got to his feet. They were walking down the steps when Aaron heard a voice behind him greeting him and he turned. 

It was the man. The aggressive alpha male. It took all of Aaron’s self-control to force himself to look neutral. 

“Hello,” the man greeted, holding out his hand. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before today, have I? I’m Father McReynolds, most people here just call me Mic. Welcome to the community.”

Aaron forced a smile and shook his hand, his gut instinct telling him that he had to play nice right now or it could look bad on Spencer’s part. “Thank you,” he said, carefully watching Spencer out of the corner of his eye. He was holding back, tense, face dark. 

“What brings you here?” Father McReynolds asked, still clasping Aaron’s hand. 

The words were coming out of Aaron’s mouth before he stopped to think about them: “A friend of mine was recently in town and visited for a mass and highly recommended Father Reid’s sermons. I was hoping to hear him today, actually.” He hoped he had only imagined Spencer swaying in shock. 

Father McReynolds’s smile immediately hardened. “Ah,” he said. “Well, I’m actually very sorry to say that Father Reid no longer performs sermons, but I assure you that any other member of our congress can lead an equally enlightening and meaningful sermon, if not more so.”

Christ, did the man even realize that Spencer was standing right behind him? Aaron was doing all he could not to gape in shock. “Why is that?” he asked. 

“Father Reid tends towards more…unorthodox teachings,” Father McReynolds said, lowering his voice. “He strays from a pure scripture lesson.”

Aaron pulled his hand away. “That is precisely why he was recommended,” he said. “I find that style reaches more people, spreads the church’s love and caring across a wider audience.” 

“Well, then I suggest you find a church that supports that. Good day,” Father McReynolds said, walking away without even looking at Spencer. 

Aaron stared after him in shock before turning to Spencer, who wouldn’t meet his eyes. His face was lowered and flushed. Finally, once Father McReynolds had rounded the corner, Spencer looked up. He was struggling. He started to speak, but then the door opened behind them again and a young woman came out. 

“Oh, Spencer!” she said as soon as she saw him. “I was hoping I would catch you. I—” She saw the look on his face and stopped. “Are you okay?”

Spencer forced a smile and nodded. “I’m sorry, Bethany,” he said. “I really have to go, can we talk next week?”

She nodded, looking worried, and Spencer quickly turned and walked away. Aaron followed, staying slightly to the side and behind him, but close enough for Spencer to know he was still there, until they reached the car. 

Spencer climbed in and took a deep breath, struggling to keep his composure. Aaron reached over and took his hand, squeezing comfortingly. “Still want to get coffee and pastries?” he asked. 

Spencer gave a short laugh, looked at Aaron, and then leaned over and grabbed his shirt, pulling him into a deep kiss. 

Aaron’s breath caught in his throat. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he said when Spencer pulled away.

* * *

Spencer didn’t speak until they were sitting down in a corner booth at the back of a little bistro that Aaron knew about. He took a deep breath before beginning. “I’m sorry,” he started. “That you had to see that, I really didn’t mean to bring you—”

“ _ You’re _ apologizing?” Aaron interrupted, gaping at him. “I’m the one who started talking to that man!”

Spencer hesitated, looking thrown off. “But—he’s mad at  _ me _ , and—”

“And I knew it and I was pissed off and I goaded him with you standing right there, and I’m sorry,” Aarons said. “I should have known he would react like that, and you didn’t need to hear any of that.”

Spencer still looked a little confused as he answered. “I’ve been hearing it all week from him,” he said. 

Aaron smiled and shook his head. He took Spencer’s hand and kissed the back. “What am I going to do with you?” he asked fondly. 

Spencer still looked upset. 

“Is that what he was yelling at you about last night? Your sermons being too unorthodox?”

Spencer nodded. “Yes, but it was more about how I taught a technique called mindfulness meditation to a woman who visits sometimes. She’s had a rough time lately and won’t go into rehab but wants to quit using, and there have been some very promising case studies for it. I taught her, and later she told Father McReynolds about it, and he thinks she should have gone to confessional and received her penance, that the meditation is from a false religion.”

“But that’s ridiculous,” Aaron said. 

“I know,” Spencer said. “But…he’s older than me, so he has more authority. He’s deemed it, ah, necessary to stop my sermons until I can prove I will follow a purely scriptural guideline.” He said it as bravely as he could, but Aaron could tell that every word was just reopening a barely-healing wound. 

Aaron wanted to point out that confessions weren’t even in the scripture, but he wasn’t sure that would help at this moment, so he just held Spencer’s hands in his and rubbed his thumbs over the younger man’s knuckles. “You taught that woman something very valuable,” he said. “That’s all that matters.”

Spencer nodded and offered a smile. 

That was all Aaron needed.


	4. Chapter 4

As he knelt over Spencer, lifting himself up far enough to struggle with the buttons on the priest’s shirt while still kissing him, Aaron dimly reflected that he’d wondered when this would happen, when they would next find themselves clinging to each other with need. As it turned out, he hadn’t needed to wait long. 

It was Friday evening, Aaron was home from a two-day kidnapping investigation, Jack was coming over the next day, and it had only been five days since the interrupted morning in the bedroom. Since then, nothing like it had happened—until now. 

The evening had started normally. Aaron picked Spencer up from the church after work to bring him home and they had stopped for Chinese take-out on the way, on the condition that Spencer order at least one item that was neither fried nor composed entirely of carbohydrates. He relented easily and was quiet during the car ride and as they waited for their food. 

“What’s wrong?” Aaron finally asked as they climbed back in with the paper bag full of Styrofoam containers, Chinese take-out boxes, and extra fortune cookies.

Spencer gave him a wry smile. “That obvious, Mr. Profiler?”

“Well,” Aaron said, looking sufficiently guilty. “So there  _ is _ something wrong?”

Spencer rested his forehead against the window. “Father McReynolds has been watching me all week, listening to my appointments.” 

“He needs to mind his own business,” Aaron said with a scowl as they pulled out of the parking lot. 

“He’s talking about petitioning for my excommunication.”

The statement was so simple that it took a moment for the weight of it to sink in. “ _ Excommunication? _ ” Aaron repeated. “Isn’t that—that’s the worst thing the Catholic church can do to someone, isn’t it?”

Spencer nodded. 

“But you haven’t done  _ anything _ to deserve that!” 

“Oh, I know,” Spencer said. “Believe me, it won’t get anywhere.” He shuddered. “But he’s hell-bent. I think he’s always hated how easily I became a priest, and he’s always noticed that I’m not very religious.”

“What does it matter as long as you’re helping people?” Aaron asked, shaking his head. 

Spencer smiled that wry smile again. “Aaron,” he said. “This is the Catholic church. What do you think?”

“So just keep doing what you’re doing, he can’t do anything.”

Spencer nodded. “The problem is…” He hesitated. His voice grew soft. “Well—living with another man  _ would _ be sufficient grounds for significant action.” 

Aaron felt his throat close. “He doesn’t know, does he?”

“No,” Spencer said. “And I don’t know how he would, just…” He looked down at his hands, which were fidgeting in his lap. “It makes me nervous.”

Aaron swallowed the growing lump. “Do you want to…” he started, unable to finish the question. 

“No!” Spencer said immediately. “I don’t want to change a  _ thing _ .” 

Relief washed over Aaron as they pulled into the parking garage. 

Dinner had then been an amusing affair of trying to teach Spencer how to use chopsticks. Aaron covered his hand with his and tried to guide him, and found himself amazed at how such long, graceful fingers could become so clumsy so quickly. Spencer laughed as Aaron teased him and then Aaron suddenly couldn’t stop himself from lifting their hands to his mouth so he could kiss each of Spencer’s fingers. Spencer dropped the chopsticks. 

Aaron, smiling, picked his up and used them to grab a single piece of food and raise it to Spencer’s mouth. Spencer, laughing, accepted, and as soon as he swallowed, Aaron leaned forward for a kiss that was slow and sweet and tasted a little bit like soy sauce. 

Apparently Spencer thought so too because he couldn’t keep a straight face for very long before his grin broke through the kiss. Aaron couldn’t help but chuckle as they met again and again for playful, lighthearted kisses before the chopstick lesson continued. 

Eventually Aaron had to admit defeat and let Spencer eat with a fork, because, as the priest pointed out, getting the steamed vegetables with chicken wasn’t going to do him any good if he got most of it into the couch instead of his mouth, and they finished the meal together with their legs stretched out, intertwined on coffee table. 

Spencer set his empty box down and reached over Aaron, who lifted his food up over his head to accommodate him, for the bag. He reached into it and rummaged around for a few moments before pulling away with two fortune cookies in his hands. 

“Here,” he said, handing one to Aaron, who set the rest of his food aside as he turned to the little wrapped cookie. He broke it open and started to look at the fortune. 

“Not yet!” Spencer warned. “You have to eat the cookie first.” 

Aaron mock-glared at him but obeyed and they crunched their cookies in silence until Spencer said, “There, now look,” and they read their fortunes. 

Aaron’s breath caught. “What does yours say?”

“You first,” Spencer said. He was blushing. 

Aaron swallowed. “‘Love is like wildflowers…it is often found in the most unlikely places,’” he recited. 

Spencer’s eyes widened. 

“Now yours,” Aaron said. 

“Um,” Spencer said. He grinned to hide his embarrassment. “‘A pleasant surprise is in store for you tonight.’”

Aaron stared at him, and then grabbed the fortune. Spencer wasn’t lying. He looked at the two together, and then back up at Spencer. 

Spencer bit his lip, lowering his head, hiding his blush by looking at his fidgeting hands. “You know, fortune cookie messages are phrased in such a way that makes them highly flexible to many situations, and almost half of the messages in any given batch will have to do with love, actually in a manner very similar to that which fortune tellers—”

“Spencer,” Aaron said, covering the priest’s fingers with his own, stilling them. Spencer looked up at him. Aaron smiled. “Shut up,” he said, and leaned forward and kissed him. 

The playfulness was gone, replaced by sudden, burning hunger as Aaron pushed Spencer down and crawled on top of him, the kiss never fully breaking. His heart started pounding and his hands were soon covering every inch of Spencer’s skin that he could find. The pants and breathless moans that were soon coming out of Spencer’s mouth just made his desire flare quicker. Spencer’s breath hit his cheek as he started moving his lips along the sharp jaw down to his throat and he remembered at the last moment that he couldn’t leave any marks on the priest’s neck so he swooped down to his collar and sucked at the skin. 

Spencer’s fingers dug into Aaron’s shoulders and his entire body arched up with growing tension. Aaron could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he raised his head again, taking a few moments to catch his breath before leaning back in. 

Spencer parted his lips to catch Aaron’s and wrapped his arms around him, keeping him close. One of his hands trailed up Aaron’s back and tangled into his hair. Aaron shifted forward and at that same moment, Spencer’s legs spread further apart. Aaron suddenly found himself resting between them and his breath caught in his throat. He was suddenly, achingly hard and when he moved forward again, the friction sent a jolt through his body. 

He felt Spencer tense at the same moment and he realized that they were pressing against each other through their clothing. He lifted his head so he could look into Spencer’s eyes, holding himself with his elbows on either side of Spencer’s chest. He pressed his hand to the side of Spencer’s face. 

Spencer looked back up at him, his grip on Aaron’s hair loosening. His breathing was shallow, nervous, but excited. Aaron could feel their hearts pounding together through their chests. 

He leaned in and kissed each of Spencer’s eyes, which fluttered shut. Spencer’s head turned as he licked gently down to his neck and the priest kissed the palm of Aaron’s hand. As Aaron shifted up again, their bodies ground together and Aaron felt Spencer’s erection against his hip. He was sure that Spencer could feel his.

Spencer’s breath caught and he looked up at Aaron with wide eyes. Aaron was frozen, caught between not knowing what Spencer wanted and the desperate desire to claim his lips and his body. 

“Aaron,” Spencer breathed, and brushed his shaking fingers down Aaron’s jaw around to his lips. His eyes were focused, intent. They never wavered even as he swallowed, and then, without warning, pushed his hips up hard against Aaron’s body. 

Aaron gasped and shook. He felt Spencer’s legs wrap around him and pull him close and he couldn’t hold back any longer as he grabbed Spencer’s shoulders and caught his lower lip with his teeth, pulling. Spencer rocked beneath him and Aaron answered, pushing forward and grinding their hips together. Their tongues met, desperate, messy. It felt like shockwaves were shooting through him as they bucked together, panting and grasping and groaning. 

“I want—I want—” Spencer gasped, his head falling back. Aaron felt his fingers fumbling with the bottom of his shirt. He was amazed at the effort it took to wrench himself away from the younger man’s throat and hold still enough for him to pull the shirt off. Spencer’s hands were warm as they roamed his chest and Aaron swallowed as he watched his face, eyes dark with lust. 

Aaron suddenly wanted— _ needed _ —to see Spencer shirtless so he began the frantic and fumbling process of undoing the buttons and that was how he found himself here, crouched over the priest’s prone body, his lips following his fingers and kissing every new inch of exposed skin as he painstakingly made his way down.

The shirt was longer than Spencer’s jeans and Aaron paused there, blowing softly on the small trail of hair that disappeared below his waistline. Spencer made a noise that was caught halfway between a whimper and a moan and pushed his hips up, saying something incoherent. Aaron resisted the desire to undo the jeans right then and there and instead finished the last button and spread the shirt open, sliding back up to admire the body beneath him. 

Spencer was pale, skinny, beautiful. His chest heaved with every breath as he watched Aaron’s eyes roam hungrily and finally he reached up and tugged at Aaron’s shoulder. “Aaron,” he begged. 

Aaron leaned in and kissed him very lightly, brushing their lips together in a cruel tease that he echoed with his fingers just barely touching Spencer’s chest, tracing circles that got ever closer to but never touched his nipples. He had the younger man sobbing for more within moments. 

His own body was screaming at him just as loudly. His cock was throbbing in his pants and soon he couldn’t take it anymore and he lowered his hips back down. Spencer’s thrust met him immediately and Aaron collapsed onto him. Spencer’s hands couldn’t stay still as they kissed and they moved all over his bare back. Sometimes when he pushed forward the grip would become so tight Aaron knew it would leave marks. 

And then he felt Spencer’s hand move between their bodies and his fingers, those sinfully long fingers, slipped into his pants. They brushed the head of his erection through his boxers. Aaron accidentally bit Spencer’s shoulder in the shudder that went through him at the touch. 

His phone started ringing. Aaron’s sex-fogged mind dimly recognized the ring as the one that belonged to JJ. 

The ring made Spencer pause. “Should—”

“Ignore it,” Aaron rasped, silencing him with a searing kiss. The phone went silent. 

Spencer started experimentally rubbing Aaron. The touch was exploratory, a little hesitant, but  _ godsogood— _

The phone rang again. Rossi. Aaron couldn’t ignore  _ that _ . 

With a harsh gasp he tore away and grabbed the phone, snapping it open and holding it to his ear as he rested his head on Spencer’s chest. “What do you  _ want? _ ” he snapped with an anger that surprised even him.

There was a moment of silence on the other end before Rossi said, “We’re being recalled. Child abduction in Maine, and there isn’t much time.” 

Aaron wanted to just _yell_, but he bit down on it, exhaling through clenched teeth. “When is wheels up?” he asked, pushing himself up with one trembling arm. 

“As soon as everyone is here. JJ is calling everyone else, she told me you didn’t answer.”

“I didn’t,” Aaron snapped. “I’ll be there in twenty.” He hung up without giving Rossi a chance to reply. “I have to go,” he said. 

Spencer made an admirable effort of controlling his face, but he couldn’t mask the raw disappointment and frustration. He nodded. 

Just seeing that look in the priest’s eyes made Aaron lean back in to kiss him again and again. The seconds ticked down in his mind. “I have to—” he gasped. “I have to go—” He couldn’t stop kissing him. 

Finally Spencer turned his head and Aaron took the opportunity to wrench away. He grabbed his shirt from the floor and pocketed his phone. His go-bag was still sitting by the door where he’d dropped it, his jacket was on the hook in the entry. He turned and looked at the couch and felt his legs shake. Spencer was still stretched out, shirt pushed open, marks on his collar and shoulder and chest, hair mussed, biting his lip.   


“I’m so sorry,” Aaron rasped. 

“I’ll be waiting,” Spencer said in a low that Aaron had never heard him use before. It made heat pool between his legs. “Someone else needs you more than me right now.”

As he pulled on his shirt, his gaze went over the bulge in Spencer’s pants and the thought flitted through Aaron’s mind that it looked like the priest needed him quite a lot right now. He turned and grabbed his keys from the counter, picked up his bag and jacket, and looked back once more. “Soon,” he promised, and left. 

* * *

Aaron tried to comb his fingers through his mussed hair on the short drive over and he shrugged his jacket on as soon as he was out of the car and running towards the plane that was idling on the runway, waiting for him. 

As he climbed in and the staircase rose up behind him, Aaron found his seat and sat down, suddenly wishing he’d left his jacket off so he could hold something over his lap. He was still half hard. He tugged his shirt down instead. 

His other teammates were all looking at him, and he wondered how disheveled he looked, still in the same clothes he’d worn on the plane ride home. Rossi looked amused. “What happened?” he asked. “Usually it takes you fifteen minutes to get here.”

“Well this time it took twenty-five,” Aaron said through gritted teeth, and then made the mental step that changed him into Hotch. He leaned forward and accepted the file that JJ handed his way. "What do we have?”


	5. Chapter 5

The plane ride back a week and a half later was silent. Eleven nights in Maine and eleven small bodies to show for it. The last girl’s body had still been warm when they found her, when they had pulled the man off of her. Aaron had thought for a brief second that the fact that the man was still moving meant they’d arrived in time to save her life, if not her innocence. 

He’d been wrong. 

One of the local officers had run outside and thrown up. 

The team parted ways without a word, just tired, mutual glances. Aaron made his way to his car and climbed in. He locked the doors and started the ignition. There was only one place he wanted to be right now. 

* * *

It was after midnight when he finally pushed open the doors of the cathedral and walked in. This was where Spencer would be. He paused once he was inside and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath, letting the ancient, beautiful air rush through him. He imagined it as a balm that soothed the aching horrors in his mind, but it wasn’t enough. They were still raw and aching and he needed more. He needed a gentle voice and even gentler hands to close the wounds and start the healing process. He opened his eyes.

He heard people talking softly in the confessional box. He immediately recognized the timbre of Spencer’s voice. He sat down far enough away to be polite and waited. 

The minutes passed. Aaron felt his eyelids sliding shut and he lay down, telling himself that he wouldn’t fall asleep, he’d just rest his…

* * *

Aaron woke up with the feeling that a lot of time had passed. He raised his head and looked around. Still night, still silent. He saw the back of Spencer’s head in the front pew. Stifling a gasp of relief, Aaron rose to his feet and padded over. 

Spencer didn’t hear him. He had a book in his lap and he was lazily flipping through the pages, deep in concentration. Aaron almost smiled. He took a step forward and came into the priest’s field of vision, startling him. 

“Aaron!” Spencer said as soon as he realized who it was. He set the book aside and started to rise, but Aaron took a step forward and sank down to his knees, pressing his face into Spencer’s lap. He hugged Spencer’s waist and finally,  _ finally _ allowed the tears to come. 

“Oh, Aaron…” Spencer murmured. Aaron felt gentle fingers brushing through his hair as he sobbed, felt Spencer’s arms circle him as much as he could, holding onto him, rocking him. Lips pressed against the top of his head. “You did everything you could,” Spencer whispered against his ear. “ _ Everything _ .”

“Ten minutes,” Aaron choked. “If we had just been there  _ ten minutes _ sooner, maybe—maybe we could have saved the last one—”

“You can’t think like that,” Spencer said. “You know you can’t.”

Aaron’s shoulders shook. “But if—”

“Hush,” Spencer said. “You wouldn’t let any of your team think like that, and I’m not going to let you. You caught him?”

“Yes.” 

“He would have killed again?”

Aaron nodded. 

“Then,” Spencer said, rubbing Aaron’s neck, “You saved lives.”

“Not enough,” Aaron whispered. 

“Every life is enough,” Spencer said. “You didn’t kill them. You know that.” 

Aaron nodded. “I know,” he finally said. 

“You need to believe it,” Spencer said gently. “You need to believe it  _ always _ . None of this is your fault. You don’t have to shoulder the guilt for those men.” 

“I’ll try,” Aaron whispered half-heartedly. 

“Look at me,” Spencer commanded. 

Aaron immediately raised his head. Spencer’s hand pressed warmly against his cheek and their foreheads rested together. “Those killers, do they deserve anything from you?” Spencer asked. 

“Of course not,” Aaron answered without hesitation. 

“So why do you try so hard to bear their burden for them?”

The simple question left Aaron stunned. Of  _ course _ he didn’t want to do anything for those men, those twisted, evil killers. He wanted them to burn, wanted them to live every day feeling the pain of every surviving loved one. He did  _ not _ want to carry that for them. 

“Spencer,” he whispered, pleaded,  _ begged _ . 

“I’m here,” Spencer answered, and Aaron lay his head back down into his lap. He clung to the robes and the tears still fell, but he finally felt safe. 

* * *

Aaron woke up the next morning when he felt sunlight hitting his face. He clenched his eyes further shut and tried to roll over, but realized there was something in the way. He squinted his eyes open and realized that his whole body was stiff. “What…” he mouthed to himself as he sat up and rubbed his eyes further open. He was in the cathedral. His memory filled in immediately. The aching came back. 

“Good morning,” said a quiet, amused voice, and Aaron looked up to see Spencer sitting on the steps below the altar holding a steaming mug in his hand. There was another one on the floor next to him.

Aaron rose and walked over and picked up the mug as he sat down, taking a long drink. It burned his tongue and his throat but he didn’t care. He took another swallow and then sighed and bowed his head. “Thank you,” he murmured. 

Spencer’s hand rubbed over his back. “How are you?”

Aaron took a moment to assess his mental state. “Better,” he said. “Not good.” He felt Spencer’s mouth press against his temple and he let out a slow breath, leaning towards him. 

“People will start arriving soon,” Spencer said. “Do you want to go somewhere?” 

Aaron nodded. 

“I um…” Spencer hesitated. “I need to stop at my house.” That caught Aaron’s attention. “Do you want to meet somewhere after…?”

Aaron reached over and curled his fingers around Spencer’s. “Can I come?” He held his breath while he waited for the answer. 

“Yes,” Spencer finally said. 

“If you don’t—” Aaron started to say, but Spencer turned to him and smiled, silencing him. 

“I’d like you to see,” Spencer said, squeezing Aaron’s hand.

* * *

They pulled up in front of an ordinary looking house on a quiet suburban street, but Aaron didn’t miss the way Spencer grew tenser and tenser as he parked the car, turned off the engine, and opened the door. They climbed out and walked towards the house together. As they approached the front steps, Spencer reached out and slipped his hand into Aaron’s. 

Aaron squeezed, sensing Spencer’s need for support as he pulled out keys and opened the door. He followed the younger man in and closed the door behind them. He looked around. 

The house felt stuffy, like it hadn’t been opened in years. Beyond that, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, until he started looking closer. 

Everything was closed. Windows were drawn shut, outlets were covered with duct tape. Books filled every surface. He followed Spencer through the rooms. Clutter and paper everywhere. “I need to find something,” Spencer said. “Do you want to sit while I look for it?”

Aaron nodded and walked over to the fireplace as Spencer disappeared up the stairs, taking a closer look at the pictures on the mantel. He could immediately tell that the child featured in all of them was Spencer. The baby pictures had two adults, he assumed Spencer’s mother and father, but after he was about five, the father disappeared. He turned away and kept looking, wandering into the kitchen. He stopped. 

Pill bottles were strewn over the small table, which was covered in a layer of dust and books. Aaron touched one of them lightly and read a few sentences. It was written in Old English. He picked up one of the bottles and recognized an antipsychotic drug. As he set it down, he caught a glimpse of the telephone. The line had been cut and the end still connected to the wall was wrapped in tin foil. 

Aaron explored the ground rooms for a few more minutes, finding more and more signs of a highly paranoid personality type. Finally he went to the base of the stairs. “Spencer?” he called. 

The answer invited him to come upstairs. Aaron found Spencer kneeling in front of a packed bookcase in a master bedroom, running his fingers over the titles. 

“So what have you learned?” Spencer asked, looking up at him. 

“Your father left when you were young,” Aaron said. “I think your mother was a paranoid schizophrenic.” 

Spencer nodded. 

“I don’t think she took very good care of herself…or you.”

Spencer finally pulled a book out and smiled bitterly. “No,” he said. “She didn’t.” He stood up. “My father couldn’t take it anymore and he left, but he hired a caretaker for my mother, and for me.”

“Where is your mother now?” Aaron asked, almost afraid to. 

“A Pennsylvania sanatorium,” Spencer said. “I put her there when I was 18, as soon as I could get rid of that woman.”

“The caretaker?”

“A registered psychologist working on her nursing degree,” Spencer said. He turned the book over in his hands. “She’s in jail now, for abusing patients under her care.”

Aaron sucked in a breath. “Your mother?”

Spencer nodded, refusing to look up. 

Aaron touched his arm, very gently, not wanting to startle him. “You?”

Spencer didn’t answer, but the way his face flushed was answer enough. 

Aaron hesitated, and then kissed him fiercely. As soon as he did, Spencer dropped the book and clutched him tightly. Aaron reached a hand up and felt tears. He pressed kiss after kiss to Spencer’s mouth, pausing only when Spencer tried to speak. 

“Never—never physically,” Spencer said. “Not me. But she wouldn’t…sometimes I couldn’t see my mother for days, even if she needed help. The woman said it would just feed her psychosis if I answered.”

Aaron kissed him again. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. 

Spencer knelt to pick up the book. “She asked for this,” he said. “She won’t take any new copies, she wants her notes.” 

“She loves reading,” Aaron said. 

Spencer smiled and nodded. “She was a professor. Sixteenth century English novels.” He looked up. “She can read faster than most people, too. Not as fast as me. But she was brilliant, before the schizophrenia emerged.” 

Aaron kissed Spencer’s forehead. “Let’s go home,” he said. “I don’t think you like being here.”

The look of raw gratitude in Spencer’s eyes was answer enough. 

* * *

Aaron had a lot of time to think in traffic on the way home; Spencer was being quiet. He suddenly understood with almost painful clarity the priest’s overwhelming desire to help others. He was a naturally caring and attentive man, and after years of being restrained from helping one of the most important people in his life—probably  _ the _ most important person in his life… Aaron bit his lip and glanced at Spencer, who was holding the book to his chest and staring out the window. He checked his mirrors, then reached over and squeezed Spencer’s hand. 

He was rewarded with a smile. 

“Can I ask you something?”

Spencer nodded. 

“Why don’t you sell that house, get a new place? Maybe an apartment, somewhere small, where you could go.”

It took Spencer so long to answer that Aaron was starting to think he wasn’t going to and was trying to come up with something else to say to erase the lingering question, but then he heard, “When the doctors came to take my mom, she didn’t want to go. She begged them not to take her, said that was her home, those were her things. The look on her face…” Spencer shook his head. “I can’t bear the thought of selling it, not while she’s—”

_ —still alive _ . “Do you visit her?” Aaron asked. 

“Not as often as I should.”

Aaron smiled and glanced at Spencer. “Does anyone visit their parents as often as they should?”

Spencer laughed softly. “No,” he answered. “I suppose they don’t.”

* * *

As they got out of the car, Aaron noticed something in the back seat, then realized with a small jolt of surprise that it was his go bag. He grabbed it and frowned, wondering how he could have forgotten he had that with him, especially after a case like that…

Realization hit him and he his head jerked up and he stared after Spencer’s retreating figure. He followed him silently to the apartment, but as soon as they were in, Aaron pushed him up against a wall. “You did that on purpose,” he said. 

Spencer’s eyes were wide. “Did what?”

“You showed me your house and told me about your mother, you knew it would make me stop thinking about the case.” 

The way the priest bit his lip was all the confession Aaron needed. 

“I knew if you were focused on me and something you know was a negative experience for me, you wouldn’t be trying to blame yourself for the case.”

Aaron stared at him. “Was it true?”

The injury that flashed through Spencer’s eyes made Aaron immediately regret the question. 

“Of course it’s true!” Spencer snapped. “You think I would lie to you about that?”

“No, I don’t, I just—” Aaron took a deep breath and told himself to think before speaking this time. “You manipulated me.” He couldn’t keep the hurt from his voice. 

“It helped, didn’t it?” Spencer asked gently. “I wanted to show you anyway…I needed you to know why I don’t go there. The timing was just…coincidentally fortunate.”

“It did help,” Aaron admitted. “I’m sorry, I’m just not used to people being able to do that.” 

“Manipulate you?”

Aaron nodded. 

“Only because I care about you,” Spencer said, smiling. He slid his leg slowly along Aaron’s. 

“Spencer Reid, you would make one damn fine profiler,” Aaron said, and kissed him. 

* * *

They were in the kitchen making dinner when Aaron’s phone buzzed once. He picked it up. One new text message. He looked at the sender. 

Spencer noticed the reaction. “What is it?”

“Haley,” Aaron said. “I asked her if I could have Jack for the rest of the week, since I’ve missed the last two visits. She’s bringing him over tonight.” He looked up in time to see Spencer carefully school a disappointed expression. 

“Do you want me to go?” Spencer asked. 

“Of course not,” Aaron said. 

Spencer bit his lip and fidgeted with a napkin holder. “It’s really okay, I understand, you haven’t seen him in—”

“I want you to meet him,” Aaron blurted. 

Spencer’s head shot up. “Really?” he asked meekly. 

“Of course,” Aaron said. He stirred the pan on the stove before stepping away and leaning over the counter to still Spencer’s hands. “Jack’s important to me, and so are you. I want you to know each other.”

“I’d like that,” Spencer said. “But I don’t really know what to do around kids…”

“It’s okay,” Aaron promised. “I won’t make you do any of the work. I’ll warn you he can be a little beast sometimes, though.”

“Like his father?” Spencer teased. 

“Hey!” Aaron said, and lunged around the counter at Spencer, pulling him protesting from his stool and tackling him onto the couch, kissing him until the smoke alarm went off. 

* * *

Aaron was just finishing up their second attempt at dinner—spaghetti with a white wine sauce and a box of macaroni and cheese for Jack—when there was a knock on the door. “I’ll get it,” he said in response to Spencer’s hesitant look. 

As soon as he opened the door, Aaron felt arms wrapping around his legs. “Hey buddy,” he said, grinning and ruffling Jack’s hair. He looked up at Haley, who was standing further back in the hallway, holding Jack’s bag out in front of her with a forced smile. “Thank you,” he said, making the words as sincere as possible as he took the bag.

“You’re his father,” she said. “Nothing will ever change that.” 

“When will you pick him up?” Aaron asked, deciding not to mention Spencer.

“How’s Saturday night?” Haley asked. “We’re going to my mother’s for Sunday brunch.” 

“Okay,” Aaron said, quelling his disappointment that he couldn’t have that last night. “I’ll see you then.”

Haley smiled, nodded, clutched her purse and walked away.

Aaron let out a slow breath as he closed the door. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Haley since he’d fallen for Spencer, but it was the first time they’d been so close, and he was still trying to figure out how to tell her about him. 

And then he was abruptly interrupted from his thoughts by Jack yelling, “ _ Dad? _ ”

Aaron returned to the main room. Jack was standing there, pointing accusingly at Spencer, who was standing by the counter, looking absolutely terrified. Aaron almost laughed. “Inside voice, Jack,” he said, stepping forward and putting his hand on Jack’s arm and pushing it down, making him stop pointing. “And we don’t point at people, it’s rude.” He knelt so he could look at Spencer from Jack’s height. “This is my friend, Spencer. Can you say hello?”

Jack looked a little dubious and he thought about the request for a few seconds before stepping forward and solemnly holding out his hand. “Hello Spencer,” he greeted. 

The relief that washed over Spencer’s face was amazing. He took the little boy’s hand, looking just as solemn, and said, “Hello, Jack. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“You have?” Jack asked suspiciously. 

Spencer smiled. “Your father talks about you a lot.”

Jack turned around. “ _ Dad _ ,” he whined. 

Aaron laughed. “I’m allowed to brag about you,” he said, and ruffled Jack’s hair. Jack shook his head, further messing up his hair, obviously delighted to not be scolded for it. He giggled and lunged forward, hugging his father around the neck. Aaron squeezed him tightly and looked up at Spencer. Their eyes met and Spencer smiled. 

Aaron wanted to enjoy the moment forever, and then Jack started struggling, deciding he was done with the hug. Aaron let him go and Jack ran to the kitchen to investigate what was for dinner.


	6. Chapter 6

Saturday night came all too fast and yet not soon enough for Aaron, and for the first time in his life, he felt a surge of excitement rush through him when he heard Haley’s knock on the door. 

For the last three nights, Spencer had returned to the cathedral to sleep. He and Aaron had agreed that it could be confusing or even distressing for Jack to see Spencer sleeping in his father’s bed, and given Jack’s penchant for deciding to crawl into said bed in the middle of the night…

So he and Spencer had stolen kisses when they could while Jack was in the bath or engaged in a movie, but for the most part, they’d limited themselves to quiet, knowing touches. Aaron regretted it, but he understood why. He didn’t think either of them was ready to come out to a five-year-old. 

Jack’s visit had been wonderful nonetheless and it hadn’t taken long for him and Spencer to become friends. Jack loved Spencer’s endless store of knowledge and asked question after question about subjects Aaron hadn’t even realized Spencer was familiar with. Apparently being able to read 20,000 words per minute, possessing an eidetic memory, and having hours of free time to pass every day for years resulted in a huge well of knowledge. For his part, Spencer was delighted to have someone who listened with rapt attention. 

So Aaron walked quickly to the door, but he hesitated for a long moment before answering. When he finally did, he forced a smile. “Hi,” he said. “Would you like to come in? He’s still cleaning his room.” 

Haley smiled knowingly and nodded. She came in and Aaron carefully watched her for the moment when she saw Spencer. 

It was quick, a subtle tensing in her shoulders, and she only paused for a moment before giving Aaron a hard, questioning look.  _ Who is this man you’re letting near my son? _

Spencer was sitting on one of the stools by the counter. He’d asked Aaron what he planned to do, and when Aaron hadn’t been able to answer, had just nodded understandingly. 

“Haley,” Aaron said, walking past her to Spencer’s side. “I’d like you to meet Spencer Reid.” 

Haley seemed to be waiting, examining Spencer with her gaze, for Aaron to give more of an explanation. 

Aaron suddenly knew what he wanted to do, and he stepped closer to Spencer, who was holding his hands surprisingly still in his lap. He took one of them in his own and laced their fingers, leaning against him so their bodies were pressed together. Spencer looked up at him with a somewhat worried frown but Aaron squeezed his hand reassuringly before looking back at Haley. 

She seemed confused as she looked at their intertwined hands and then her eyes widened. She looked sharply at Aaron. “Does Jack know?” she asked. 

“No,” Aaron said. “I wanted to talk to you first.” 

Haley’s smile was relieved and uncomfortable at the same time. “Thank you,” she said. 

“Mommy!” Jack came running out of his room. Aaron dropped Spencer’s hand. Haley knelt down and caught him in a hug.

“Is your room clean, Jack?” Aaron asked. 

Jack nodded. 

“I’ll go get your bag.”

Spencer stood up, looking unsure of himself and his role in this exchange. He looked at Jack. 

“Bye Spencer,” Jack said. Aaron came back with the suitcase just in time to see Jack hold his hand out to Spencer. Spencer smiled and shook it. 

“Bye Jack,” he said. 

Aaron handed Jack’s suitcase to Haley, then knelt down to hug him. “I love you,” he said. “Be good, okay?” 

“I will,” Jack said. “Bye Daddy!”

Aaron locked the door behind them as they left. Seconds later he felt Spencer’s arms around him from behind, felt lips pressing to the base of his neck. He sighed and leaned his head back onto the priest’s shoulder. 

“I’m glad he could come over,” Spencer said. 

“So am I,” Aaron said. “She didn’t have to let him.”

“You didn’t have to tell her about us.”

“I wanted to,” Aaron said. “I’ll need to talk to her now, but…I feel better, with her knowing.” He turned around. Spencer’s arms stayed wrapped around his waist. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t mind,” Spencer said. 

Their eyes met and Aaron couldn’t resist leaning in to kiss him. The last two weeks had felt like an eternity and while he knew they were both wondering,  _ When? _ he also knew that there was no greater joy for him than kissing Spencer as deeply as he could right here, right now, and feeling like he could go on doing that forever. 

They stood in the entryway for a long time, unaware of anything but each other. Aaron ran his hand down the side of Spencer’s body, feeling the subtle curve of his waist. He resisted the temptation to slip his fingers between their bodies to touch the growing pressure he could feel against his hip. Something in his mind was telling him to  _ wait, wait. _

“We should clean the kitchen,” he murmured against Spencer’s lips.

“You’re such a romantic,” Spencer teased, but he was smiling as Aaron pulled away and took his hand, leading him through the apartment.

There wasn’t much left to clean, since they had finished most of it while dinner was cooking, but Spencer collected all of their plates and Aaron set about scrubbing out the pot that was soaking in the sink. He was almost finished when Spencer finished loading the dishwasher and then was behind him again, kissing his jaw. 

Aaron finished the pot and set it on the counter to dry. He turned around and Spencer let him pass but only far enough to dry his hands before pinning him with one hand gripping the island on either side of him.

Aaron fought the rush of heat that went through him and closed his eyes. “I need to ask you something,” he said, bowing his head. 

There was a pause. “About my vows,” Spencer said. 

Aaron nodded. Spencer was too intuitive sometimes.

“You know I’ve thought about this. You don’t need to remind me to.”

“But I need to understand your thoughts,” Aaron said. 

“You didn’t stop me to ask about my vows last time,” Spencer said. 

Aaron huffed a laugh. “You know why,” he said. 

Spencer smiled. “Yes,” he said. “I do.” 

“You’ve taken vows of celibacy,” Aaron said.

“I went through the motions,” Spencer said.

Aaron ran his fingers through Spencer’s hair. “Why did you choose Catholicism? There are other Christian beliefs that are much more relaxed about behavior, even ones that would let you be with me.”

“I know,” Spencer said. He bit his lip. “My father was Catholic. I guess I thought…I wanted to do something to make him proud?” It sounded like he was talking more to himself than Aaron. He shook his head slightly and his eyes refocused. “That must be why.”

“I don’t want you to break something you care about,” Aaron said. 

Spencer kissed him. “I don’t care about them,” he said. His voice lowered. “I want to be yours.” 

Aaron’s whole body shook with those words and he stared into Spencer’s vulnerable, honest, wanting eyes. He groaned softly and tilted his head, leaning in so their mouths were just barely brushing together. Spencer tried to deepen the kiss and he wouldn’t let him, pulling back every time he tried. Spencer made a pleading noise. 

“I have one more question,” Aaron whispered. 

Spencer sounded annoyed. “What?”

“I spent all that time trying to seduce you,” Aaron said. “You’re a natural at reading behavior. How did you not realize?”

Spencer leaned back, looking almost embarrassed. “I did think you were acting strange,” he admitted. “And I did wonder if…but I thought there was no way someone like you…well, I’m not exactly…” He bit his lip.

“Not exactly what?”

Spencer blushed and stared at the floor. “Experienced. Desirable.” 

Aaron stared at him for a moment. “Spencer,” he said, shaking his head. He tucked his finger under the younger man’s chin and lifted his head. “Do you know what the thought of you does to me?”

“Yes but I don’t know why—”

Aaron pressed their mouths together to silence him, over and over until they were both out of breath. “You,” he gasped between kisses, “Are beautiful, desirable, amazing.” 

Spencer groaned. “I want you,” he managed.

They moved, stumbling, unwilling to part from each other, through the apartment until they finally reached the bedroom. Aaron pushed Spencer back onto the mattress and crawled on top of him, forcing their mouths together in a crushing kiss. Spencer arched against him, grabbing Aaron’s shirt and tugging it up. Aaron broke away and sat up, pulling his shirt over his head and throwing it to the floor. He shifted back so his weight was settled over Spencer’s hips and curled his fingers under the waistline of Spencer’s jeans, slowly pulling his shirt out, making sure to touch every new inch of skin. Spencer pushed himself up enough for Aaron to get his shirt off his shoulders before he laid back down. 

Aaron paused, gaze moving over the body beneath him, taking in and savoring the moment. 

“Aaron?” Spencer murmured. 

“Mm?” 

“Is it … okay?” Spencer asked, biting his lower lip. 

Aaron looked up. “What?” 

“You stopped,” Spencer said quietly.

“What-- _ oh _ ,” Aaron said, and shook his head. “Of  _ course _ ,” he said. “More than okay.” He leaned back in, rocking his hips over Spencer’s once, twice, then closed the distance between them to first claim a kiss, then ducked his head down and closed his mouth around one of Spencer’s nipples. He sucked and Spencer gasped, a hand going to Aaron’s hair and gripping tightly. 

Aaron kept licking and sucking until he had Spencer trembling beneath him and then he placed a very gentle kiss to the priest’s parted lips. “I’m going to do something,” he whispered. “Tell me if you don’t like it and I’ll stop.” 

Spencer hesitated, licked his lips, then nodded. 

Aaron brushed his lips across Spencer’s cheek, along his jaw, down his long neck to the side, right below where the collar of the priest uniform ended. He stroked Spencer’s hair soothingly for a long minute, gently kissing the spot, before he suddenly latched on and bit down. 

Spencer’s sharp cry was sublime. His head tossed back as Aaron continued to suck at that single spot until he was confident that the mark would linger. He stretched out over the other man and brushed his lips to his ear. “You’ll know it’s there,” he murmured. “All day tomorrow under your collar.” 

Spencer moaned. The sound was low in his throat. He turned his head and kissed Aaron. “Tell me what you want,” he murmured. 

Aaron’s breath caught. He pinned Spencer down and shifted back so that he could look into his eyes. “I’ve never done this with a man,” he said. 

Spencer looked back. “I’ve never done this  _ at all _ ,” he said. 

“Then,” Aaron said, “I want you to feel good. We’ll figure everything else out later.” 

Spencer nodded and Aaron kissed him once more on the lips before painstakingly making his way down his chest, kissing and touching every inch of pale skin along his path before he found himself at the jeans and paused. He curled up, making himself comfortable and resting his head on his arm while he covered Spencer’s crotch with his hand and rubbed gently. He heard a soft, sharp intake and he very slowly undid the button and pulled down the zipper. He pushed the jeans open and trailed his finger over the boxers. 

“Can I ask you something?” Spencer asked. 

“Mm?” Aaron looked up. 

“Did you ever question yourself? About me?”

Aaron wished he could ask what Spencer meant, but he knew. “Because you’re a man.”

Spencer nodded, biting his lip. This was obviously something that he needed to know before he went any further. 

“No,” Aaron answered honestly. “I guess…maybe I was surprised with myself, at first, but…” He shook his head. And then a thought occurred to him. “Is it…did  _ you _ question yourself?”

“No,” Spencer said. 

“Are you gay?” Aaron asked. It seemed like a ridiculous thing to ask. 

Spencer smiled. “I don’t have a word for what I am,” he said. “Human sexuality is fluid. I’m attracted to people.”

“And yet you’ve never been with anyone.”

Spencer laughed shortly. “ _ Me? _ ” he said. “No.”

“I can’t see why not,” Aaron murmured, turning his attention back to the bulge in Spencer’s boxers. He nuzzled his nose against it and heard Spencer gasp and swallow. A hand came to rest on top of his head. He slowly brought his hand up the inside of Spencer’s thigh, massaging, until he cupped his fingers between the other man’s legs. He began rubbing along the now-defined length, circling his fingers around it through the boxers. 

And then without warning Spencer, he slipped his fingers through the fly in the boxers and touched him. 

Spencer stilled completely, not moving, not breathing. Aaron knew he was cataloging the sensation, committing every detail to memory. He started stroking, making discoveries of his own, like what it was like to touch another man, to know what he was feeling, how to move, where to press. Aaron’s mind flitted back to videos he’d watched as a youth, trying to prepare himself for what he wanted to do next, so he didn’t look like a complete fool. He took his time getting to know the way Spencer reacted to every touch, every new stroke, loved hearing the way he gasped in surprise. 

“Take these off,” Aaron finally murmured when Spencer’s head finally fell back and his fingers gripped the covers. 

Spencer obeyed, shoving his pants and boxers down and kicking them off of the bed. He lay there, prone, fingers clenching and unclenching and barely breathing as he watched Aaron.

Aaron’s breath caught the moment Spencer laid out naked in front of him. He was fully aroused, uncircumcised, as beautiful as the rest of his body. Aaron looked up and met his eyes and smiled, which created obvious relief in Spencer. And then he turned back, wrapped his fingers around the length in front of him, stroked once, then leaned in and kissed the very tip. 

“ _ Aaron! _ ” Spencer gasped. His eyes were huge. 

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer nodded. “I just—I don’t think I was expecting—” And then he broke off with a sharp moan when Aaron wrapped his lips around the tip and sucked.

Aaron thought back to when he’d watched Haley do this to him, tried to remember what women in movies he’d watched did, and he discovered that it was harder than it looked. He kept his hand wrapped around the base, twisting his wrist as he moved slowly up and down, to make up for what he couldn’t accommodate with his mouth. He focused his lips and tongue on the head, licking it and swirling his tongue around. When he tried to suck for too long, his mouth started feeling dry.

He understood why he’d seen women spit on the men they were giving blow jobs to and he tried it, working the moisture around with his hand, and returned to sucking. Feeling better about himself, he tried pushing Spencer’s cock farther down his throat. He gagged and pulled away, but the noise Spencer made caught his attention and he tried again. Spencer moaned out his name. 

Aaron couldn’t keep doing that for very long before his jaw started to ache and he pulled back. “Sorry,” he said, speaking with his lips brushing Spencer’s skin. “I’m not very good at this.”

“I can’t tell,” Spencer promised. His voice was tight. 

Aaron found a comfortable rhythm and settled into it. Every time he started to worry about his performance, Spencer made a noise that encouraged him to keep sucking, licking, mouthing. 

He was starting to find himself wondering,  _ What now? _ because usually this was a warm-up and he really didn’t think he was good enough at it to make Spencer come, but he didn’t know what he should do after. 

Then he felt Spencer’s hand on his shoulder, pushing him back and he raised his head. 

“What about you?” Spencer asked.

“I—”

“I want to do something for you,” Spencer said. He looked very shy as he sat up and patted the mattress for Aaron to lay next to him. Once he had, Spencer gently curved a hand around his jaw and leaned down to kiss him while he shifted, slipping over Aaron’s body

“I don’t know what I’m doing either,” Spencer whispered apologetically into Aaron’s ear. 

“Anything is good,” Aaron said. He realized that Spencer was mimicking his actions by kissing down his body, but he was improvising in little ways, pausing at some spots longer than others when he heard the pitch of Aaron’s gasps change. It took longer, but Spencer also rubbed him for the entire duration, and by the time he reached his jeans, they were already unzipped. Aaron was realizing just how long it had been since someone else had touched him,  _ really _ touched him, and he was pushing his hips up in anticipation. Spencer lifted his hand and raised an eyebrow at him. 

Aaron swallowed, feeling a bit of a thrill, and forced himself to calm. The warm hand settled back down on top of him, lazily stroking him for a few minutes before fingers hooked around his waistline and tugged. Aaron hissed softly as the elastic from his boxers scraped over him and then felt his cock finally exposed. He let out a slow, contented breath. 

Spencer’s grip was firmer than Aaron had expected and he relaxed back into the mattress, taking deep breaths and focusing on the sensation of long, warm fingers wrapping completely around him and moving up and down with steady confidence. Even that simple touch felt like Heaven. 

It wasn’t long before Spencer began using his mouth and Aaron lost himself in the sensation. Spencer was shy but the movements were carefully and clinically executed and he learned in a matter of minutes. He managed to get Aaron moaning before he stopped and crawled back up so he was crouching over him and leaned in for a kiss. 

Aaron grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him down closer, moaning against his mouth. He wrapped his arm around Spencer’s waist and hiked his leg up, rolling so that he was lying on top, bearing down over the younger man. Spencer’s lips parted and their tongues met as they gasped and panted, their movements becoming hard, fast, desperate. Aaron reached down between their bodies and wrapped his hand around both of them together and started stroking. 

Spencer whimpered and clung to Aaron as he moved his hand faster. It didn’t take long before he had Spencer straining and desperate beneath him. Aaron didn’t think he had been this turned on in  _ years. _ “This is okay?” he asked into a kiss, his voice hoarse. “Finishing like this?”

“God, yes, yes  _ yes _ ,” Spencer managed breathlessly. His head fell back and his mouth opened in a silent cry. “Don’t—don’t—” he stammered. 

“Don’t what?” Aaron asked, slowing for a moment. 

Spencer pushed hard into his hand. “Don’t stop,” he gasped. 

Aaron rocked his hips forward, tightened his grip, and had Spencer nearly sobbing within what felt like moments. 

Aaron could tell he wasn’t going to last much longer—it had been too long—but he was determined to at least last until Spencer came. He wanted his priest to know what it felt like to come in another’s arms, wanted him to feel safe and desired the entire time. So he gritted his teeth against his body’s need to explode and focused entirely on the other man. 

Aaron was just starting to wonder if he would be able to make it when Spencer suddenly cried out, bucking into his hand. His fingers gripped Aaron’s arms so tightly he knew they would leave bruises. In response Aaron took his earlobe between his teeth and pulled. 

Spencer groaned sharply and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s shoulders and neck, pulling him down. His chest heaved and he pushed against the older man. “Close—Aaron,  _ Aaron! _ ” he cried and Aaron couldn’t stop himself now as he wanted. He grunted softly and pushed once, twice, and then felt himself coming moments before Spencer’s body seized beneath him. 

As soon as he felt Spencer tense Aaron lifted his head. He watched as Spencer’s mouth fell open and his eyes closed. The slender body arched with pleasure and then for a long moment, Spencer froze completely, lost in the sensations that were flooding through him and making him shake. 

And then almost as soon as it had started, it ended, and Spencer sank back down into the mattress. Aaron collapsed on top of him and lay there panting for a few minutes as they recovered together before pushing himself up and looking down at the other man’s face. His eyes were closed, his lips swollen, his cheeks flushed. His hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat and he was trembling. Aaron kissed him. 

Spencer made a soft noise and kissed back before pressing his face against Aaron’s neck. “Don’t leave,” he whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Aaron murmured, stroking back his hair, and curling around him as they fell asleep. 

* * *

The alarm clock whose existence Aaron was starting to curse woke them up the next morning and he shut it off with a groan before curling back around Spencer and closing his eyes again. Just a few more minutes… He pressed his face into Spencer’s hair and inhaled deeply. The younger man shifted and Aaron reluctantly let go of him long enough for him to roll over. 

“Morning,” Aaron murmured, resting their foreheads together. 

Spencer smiled without opening his eyes. 

They dozed for the precious few more minutes that the sleep setting would allow them before the harsh beeping started again. Aaron forced himself to sit up and swing his legs over the edge of his bed. 

Spencer trailed his hand lightly up and down his spine and Aaron glanced over his shoulder with a smile, and then his eyes widened and he turned. 

Maybe it was because his skin was so naturally pale, but Spencer looked like he had been beaten, he was covered in so many bruises. “Oh god,” Aaron said, reaching out and touching one on his arm. 

Spencer glanced down at himself but didn’t look bothered. He reached up and touched the mark on his neck. Aaron felt a guilty stab in his stomach and leaned forward. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what…I don’t think I’ve ever…” 

“It’s okay,” Spencer said. He glanced down shyly. “They felt good, anyway— _ feel _ good.” 

Aaron’s forehead creased in concern. “Are you sure?” he asked, settling down and kissing the bruise on his neck, then his arm. 

“I’m sure,” Spencer said. He was blushing. “I thought they would hurt, but…” He bit his lip. 

“But?” Aaron prompted. 

“But I like knowing…that…they’re from you,” Spencer finished reluctantly. 

Aaron forgot to breathe for a moment.

Spencer kept his eyes down. “Is that weird?” he asked, his voice small. 

“No,” Aaron said, touching each mark gently with his lips, moving from Spencer’s neck to his collar and down his arm over to his chest. 

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” Aaron said. He looked up into Spencer’s eyes. “It isn’t weird. People are different in what they like.”

Spencer nodded. Aaron returned to kissing his body until Spencer sighed and pushed him away. “I need to shower before church,” he said. “So do you.”

Aaron hated that moment, but he nodded, and sat up so they could both start getting ready for the day. 

A few hours later, as he sat in the back of the cathedral watching Spencer talk to members of the church body, Aaron thought that the knowledge of all those bruises tucked away under the robes was the most erotic thing he’d ever experienced. Several times throughout the sermon, Spencer had reached up absentmindedly and touched the spot on his collar where Aaron had marked him. 

Aaron couldn’t wait to get him home. He’d spent almost the entire service evaluating the experience of sucking someone off, and he was pretty sure he had some ideas on how to make it better. And if he knew Spencer at all, the priest was up there doing the exact same thing. 

They had the entire rest of the day to themselves to experiment. Aaron didn’t think he could ever remember a better weekend than this.


	7. Chapter 7

Aaron felt like he had a new spring in his step when he walked into the office the next morning and he could tell from Rossi’s look that it didn’t go unnoticed. Before long the older profiler was standing in his doorway, not even bothering to knock as he walked in with a raised eyebrow. “What are you so happy about today?”

Aaron smiled. “Nothing,” he said. “Life.”

“Right,” Rossi said, telling Aaron in no uncertain terms with the tone of his voice that he didn’t believe him one bit. “It wouldn’t have anything to do with the reason you were late to wheels up, or why you haven’t been staying after hours or coming in on the weekends anymore, either, I’m sure.”

Aaron leaned back in his chair, fixing Rossi with his best Hotch look. “Do you have a professional problem with my spending more time away from the office?”

“Of course not,” Rossi said. “In fact I’m thrilled to see you relaxing some—that is, assuming you  _ are _ relaxing.”

“So why are you bringing it up?” Aaron asked, ignoring the latter part of the statement. 

“Because I have a vested personal curiosity,” Rossi said. “And a very persistent and determined Penelope Garcia breathing down my neck insisting that I find out who you’re playing snookie with or she’ll find details of my private life that even  _ I _ don’t know about.”

Aaron stared at him. 

“Her words, not mine,” Rossi quickly clarified.

“I couldn’t tell,” Aaron said dryly. “Don’t you have work to do?”

“No, I finished it over the weekend so I could spend all day pestering you.” 

Aaron was about to growl something insulting that was on the same maturity level as “playing snookie” when there was a tentative knock on the door and Rossi turned to see Prentiss standing just outside in the hallway. 

“Sorry,” she said quietly. “Am I interrupting?”

“Not at all,” Rossi said, turned and gave Aaron an  _ I-will-find-out _ look, and excused himself. 

“Prentiss?” Aaron asked, startled by the drawn look on her face. “What is it?”

“My um…a friend of mine, he just died…” Prentiss explained. 

Aaron immediately rose. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “If you’d like some time off…”

“No,” she said quickly. “It’s just…I think it might be a murder. And…I think there’s another victim.”

Aaron’s expression hardened. “Do you have any proof?” he asked.

Prentiss shook her head. 

Aaron’s lips drew into a thin line while he thought. “We’ll meet in the conference room in ten. You can tell us what you know.”

* * *

“These deaths  _ could _ possibly be the result of a prolonged, stressful exorcism,” Aaron mused out loud. 

Morgan frowned skeptically. “An exorcism?” he asked. “Guys, it’s bad enough that we have  _ no proof _ that these are even murders, and now we’re going to try and link them through a religious ceremony that we don’t even know happened? I mean,  _ maybe _ there could be an unsub who disguises killings as exorcisms, but how did he cause a heart attack and death by dehydration?”

“Some people believe an exorcism is a very real process of vacating the body of a demon,” Aaron said. “Stress like that could easily cause this.”

“Before we all start telling ghost stories, maybe we should talk to someone who knows more about this,” Rossi said, cutting off Morgan’s rapid-fire reply. 

“I know someone,” Aaron said. “I’ll give him a call.”

“I’m going to visit someone, too,” Rossi said. 

“Morgan, Prentiss, I want you both to stay in the office, don’t go investigating anything until we’re on firmer ground,” Aaron said. “I don’t think I need to tell you we’re walking a very thin line here.”

“I didn’t know you knew anyone in the religious sphere,” Rossi murmured to Aaron as they walked away. 

“I go to church now sometimes,” Aaron said, turning away to hide his grin at Rossi’s shocked look. 

* * *

Spencer sounded surprised as he answered. “Aaron?”

“Hi,” Aaron said, not letting himself slip from his professional voice. “We’re working on a case right now and I wanted to ask you about something.”

“Of course,” Spencer said. Aaron heard his voice make the subtle change from personal to business. “What do you need to know?”

“We have two seemingly healthy young men who died of different causes, one of a heart attack and the other of dehydration, and we believe they may have died during exorcisms. The families aren’t cooperating very much and there isn’t even evidence of murder, but it’s our working theory.”

“Are you wondering if people often die during exorcisms?”

“I guess,” Aaron said. “Or if it’s plausible to have one last that long, or be that stressful.” 

“Do you think they consented to exorcisms, or were they forced?” Spencer asked. 

“My guess is forced,” Aaron said. 

“There is a lot of contradicting pseudo-evidence when it comes to exorcisms,” Spencer began, sounding like a journal. “People who truly believe that they’re being possessed will often come out of the ritual faster and with less overall stress done to their bodies, whereas people who are being forced to submit to one due to behavior that may be caused by some other mental illness will fight for a very long time. If these were troubled individuals and they had no choice, I would cautiously say that yes, they could be severely injured from the stress.”

“Thank you,” Aaron said.

“What made you think exorcism?”

“The mother of one of the men said her son’s soul had been in the possession of evil,” Aaron said. “She said he was cursing God, but now his soul is at peace. She seemed to know more than she was telling. And we found scuff marks on both floors from the beds they died in.” 

“Do you have the name of a priest?” Spencer asked. 

“No,” Aaron said. “Actually, the only connection we can make between the two men is that they both knew one of my agents, and they both went to Spain about four months ago.”

“You know there’s a church in Glacia that gets over one hundred thousand pilgrims yearly?”

“Yes,” Aaron said. “Actually that’s where they went.”

There was a pause. “Four months ago, a priest died there.”

Aaron froze. “What?” 

“I remember reading about it—a priest had a heart attack and died and services had to be suspended for a while. Someone was quoted saying that it was unexpected, since he wasn’t at risk for a heart attack at all.”

“Thank you, Spencer,” Aaron said. “We’ll look into it.”

“Another thing,” Spencer added. “An exorcism has to be sanctioned by the Vatican. If you’re right and that’s what’s happening here, they should have record of it, unless someone is performing them illegally. I’ll see if I can find the records for this area for the last few months.”

“Thank you,” Aaron said. He let his voice relax. “I’ll see you later.”

“Okay,” Spencer answered warmly. “Goodbye.”

* * *

Aaron decided last minute to go with Rossi, Morgan, and Prentiss to talk to Rossi’s friend about their possible profile after they conferred with Garcia about the priest’s death in Spain. Aaron had never been to the cathedral that Father James worked in and as he stepped inside, it made him wish he was in Spencer’s listening to him talk instead of here, working on a case. 

Aaron wasn’t paying attention as they walked around into the back room, but then he heard a very familiar voice and his head snapped up. Spencer was there dressed in his robes, leaning forward with his hands on the table, running his finger down a paper while he talked to another man. “Spencer!” he said in surprise without thinking. 

Rossi turned and followed Aaron’s stare. 

Spencer’s head lifted and his eyes lit up. “Aaron,” he greeted. 

Aaron heard Rossi clear his throat and he quickly schooled his expression. Now that everyone was paying attention to them, he needed to make an excuse for the familiar greeting. 

“I…didn’t realize you would be here,” Aaron said, and damn near literally kicked himself.

“You know Father Reid?” the man Spencer had been talking to asked as he walked forward and held out his hand. “Hi, I’m Father James. Dave, wonderful to see you again, as always,” he said, briefly grasping Rossi’s hand before looking expectantly back at Aaron. 

“Oh—yes,” Aaron said. His face felt hot and he hoped his cheeks weren’t reflecting his temperature. “I’ve started attending his church recently. He’s a wonderful speaker.” 

Aaron glanced at Spencer and noticed he had lowered his head and was blushing lightly, biting his lip against a grin. 

“He is a marvelous speaker, isn’t he?” Father James asked. “Did you know he has an IQ of 187?” 

“Um—no, I didn’t,” Aaron said. 

“He’s a genius,” Father James said. “Just you wait, he’s going to change the world.” He looked over his shoulder at Spencer and grinned at his obvious embarrassment. “Have to show you off, you know.” 

Aaron cleared his throat and carefully didn’t look at Spencer’s face any more than he had to as he suggested that they move on to the profile. He learned quickly that he had to avoid looking at him at all while he was talking, because every time he did, the memory of kneeling down between his legs and taking his cock into his mouth flooded his mind. 

It was a very long meeting. 

* * *

As the meeting finally ended and the team walked away with newfound confidence and a possible name, Aaron lingered for a moment to talk to Spencer. “I didn’t know you were coming,” he said, soft enough so that no one else could hear. 

“I didn’t know you were, either,” Spencer said with a smile. He reached up and tucked his hair behind his ear and bit his lip. “Call me when you’re off work?”

“Of course,” Aaron said. He knew Rossi was watching, so he held out his hand and said in a louder voice, “A pleasure to see you, as always.”

Spencer smiled his careful, knowing smile and nodded. 

When Aaron turned around and saw the look on Rossi’s face, he knew the older profiler had seen the hair tuck and the lip bite. To almost anyone else they might just seem like personal quirks, but Rossi…oh, Rossi would be able to read mountains from that single speck. 

As they left the building and walked to their car, Rossi murmured sweetly, “Aaron, can I talk to you for a moment?” and then grabbed Aaron’s jacket and pulled him into the ally. 

“What, Dave?” Aaron asked, annoyed, straightening his clothes. 

“Please tell me that I didn’t just see what I think I saw.”

“And what do you think you saw?”

“It looked to me,” Rossi said, “Like you are  _ sleeping _ with a  _ Catholic priest _ .” 

Aaron scowled. “Well, I’m not,” he said. 

“Oh? So that man in there, Reid, must just remind you of the person you’re sleeping with.” 

Aaron didn’t answer. 

“So you are.”

“Not…exactly,” Aaron finally said. 

“But whatever it is you’re ‘not exactly’ doing, you’re doing it with him,” Rossi said. 

Aaron searched desperately for any lie that could save him but just ended up floundering for words. 

Rossi clucked his tongue. “Christ, Aaron,” he said. 

“It isn’t what you think!” Aaron protested. 

“You said that. Care to elaborate?”

“I—it’s—” Aaron stammered, pinching the bridge of his nose and squeezing his eyes shut. “Fuck.”

“You could probably say that again.”

“You are not helping!” Aaron said, glaring at Rossi. “Garcia does  _ not _ get to know.  _ No one _ does. He could lose his career.”

“Answer me this, how does a gay man spend enough time in that world to become a priest without becoming too bitter with its teachings first?”

“He’s…” Aaron started, then decided to let the term slide. “Well, you heard what Father James said, he’s a genius. It only takes him a few years to complete any field of study, less if he’s only working on one at a time. I just wish he’d chosen the FBI, he’s an incredible natural profiler.”

“Makes sense,” Rossi said, “IQ  _ is _ partially a measure of pattern reading ability, and that’s pretty much what we do. It’s not surprising.”

“He never told me his IQ,” Aaron said. “But he can read 20,000 words per minute and has an eidetic memory.”

Rossi’s eyebrows shot up. “Can I ask why he chose religion, of all fields?”

“No.” Aaron left no room for discussion. 

Rossi huffed. “You care about him.”

Aaron’s voice softened. “He saved me.”

Rossi watched him for a few more moments before saying, “Good enough for me.”

Aaron looked at him. “No one else knows,” he ordered. 

“No one else,” Rossi promised. 

* * *

Aaron left as soon as they caught the priest. Paperwork about going over his country’s head to Italy be damned, it was late and he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Spencer’s neck looked against the black collar, about the mark he knew was still lingering on his skin. He felt like a teenager, but he didn’t care. 

As soon as he had Spencer through the door he pushed him up against a wall and kissed him hungrily.

Spencer hugged him tightly and broke the kiss after a few minutes. “You caught the guy?”

Aaron nodded. “You helped a lot,” he said. 

“I’m glad,” Spencer said. 

“You could have warned me you were going to be at that meeting,” Aaron said as they made their way into the kitchen. Spencer sat down on one of the breakfast stools while Aaron rummaged through the fridge. 

“I didn’t know you were going to be there,” Spencer apologized. 

“I was just surprised,” Aaron said, pulling out a carton of milk. 

“Rossi knows, doesn’t he,” Spencer said. 

Aaron froze for a moment. “Well—yes,” he finally said. “He did notice.” He grabbed a glass and walked over to the counter, leaning against it and pouring the milk before looking across at Spencer. “How did you know?”

Spencer shrugged. “I’ve read all his books, I knew that the way we acted is something he could read easily, and I definitely saw him figure it out.”

Aaron laughed just as he took a sip and had to take a moment to compose himself. “You’re telling me that you profiled him profiling?”

Spencer tilted his head, then grinned. “I guess I am,” he said. 

Aaron shook his head in disbelief. “You,” he said, “Should have been a profiler.”

Spencer watched silently while Aaron finished the glass. As soon as he set it down, the priest leaned forward. “Are you quite finished?” he asked. 

Aaron glanced over his shoulder. “I was thinking of eating something…” he said. 

“Then you can eat later,” Spencer said. “I’ll even make food for you. But I don’t think I can stand looking at you without touching you much longer.”

Aaron’s head whipped around and he stared at Spencer, who was looking back with lust-darkened eyes. “You,” he said, “Are a fast learner.” 

Spencer slid off the stool and walked slowly around into the kitchen. Aaron took a step back and hit the inside corner of the counters, where Spencer then pinned him. “I have an IQ of 187,” Spencer said. “Of course I’m a fast learner.” He slipped his hands under Aaron’s jacket and rubbed his shoulders, sliding his thigh between his legs and pressing up. Aaron gulped for breath, food suddenly the farthest thing from his mind. 

Spencer brushed a brief, almost-kiss against Aaron’s lips before he grabbed his tie and loosened it enough to access the buttons on his collar. As he undid them, slowly, Aaron realized he was carefully not touching him. As soon as Spencer had enough of the shirt open, he leaned down and blew on the exposed skin. Shivers broke out all over Aaron’s body. 

Spencer repeated the process for the rest of his shirt. He left the tie on and stopped Aaron from taking it off. He pulled the shirt out and finished unbuttoning it and then pressed a single, warm kiss right on Aaron’s stomach before sinking fully to his knees. He cupped one hand between Aaron’s legs and opened his mouth, resting it over Aaron’s crotch. He breathed out slowly, hotly, and Aaron’s knees shook. His hands settled on Spencer’s head. 

Spencer started undoing his pants. Aaron was torn between the instinct to close his eyes and lose himself to the sensations and the desire to watch everything Spencer did. Where had the confidence come from? 

Spencer pulled Aaron’s erection out and rubbed his cheek up and down along the length. He kissed the very tip and then flicked it with his tongue before trailing kisses and small licks all the way down and then all the way up again. He rubbed Aaron with two fingers and kept his touches light, teasing, as he blew gently on the aching flesh. Aaron couldn’t believe how such a light touch could be so mind numbingly tortuous. 

Spencer tormented him like that until Aaron was coated in sweat and gripping the counters to keep himself from collapsing. And then Spencer placed a single, firm kiss against his head, licked the pre-cum that was already leaking out, and looked up. He began stroking Aaron gently, almost lazily. 

“I have a surprise for you,” Spencer said. 

Aaron gulped. “What?”

Spencer’s confidence faltered for a moment as a blush painted across his cheeks. “I went to the bookstore today,” he said, glancing up.

“And?” Aaron managed to ask. 

“I read every single book they had about gay sex.” He grinned at the look that appeared on Aaron’s face. “I have a  _ lot _ of ideas,” he added when it became apparent that Aaron couldn’t speak. 

Aaron whispered something under his breath that made Spencer chuckle softly. 

“Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain,” he said, and then before Aaron could reply, he wrapped his lips around Aaron’s cock and began sucking. 

Aaron’s head fell back and he groaned as the wet heat surrounded him. He could feel Spencer’s tongue tracing the veins along his length, feel the way his throat tightened whenever he sucked a little too deep. Aaron didn’t think his legs could hold him up anymore. “Spencer,” he said, his voice tight. “Can we—can we move to the bed?”

Immediately Spencer stopped. He stood slowly, slinking his clothed body against Aaron’s mostly naked one. He kissed Aaron as soon as he was on his feet and then took his hand. 

They shed their clothes as they moved towards the bedroom and they were both naked as they crawled into the bed. Spencer lay on his back and stretched his arms out over his head. Aaron took both of his wrists and pinned them with one hand, using the other to slip down between their bodies and stroke Spencer firmly while they kissed. Feeling a bit more in control of himself, Aaron nipped at Spencer’s jaw. “So tell me more about these ideas of yours,” he said.

Spencer nudged Aaron’s face with his own, making Aaron pull away to look at him. Spencer met his eyes directly as he spoke: “I want you to take me.”

Aaron swallowed. “Are you sure?” he asked. His voice didn’t feel quite steady. “If you aren’t ready for that, it’s okay, we can wait…”

“Nervous?” Spencer teased. 

Aaron opened his mouth to deny it, then paused, closed it, and nodded. 

“So am I,” Spencer said. “But I want this. I’ll tell you what to do.”

“Okay,” Aaron finally said. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest as he waited for Spencer to instruct him. Oh, of course he knew the basics of how men had sex, knew the technical mechanics to it all, but he had no idea how to make it  _ good _ .

“So um…” Spencer said. “I’ve never done this, and it might hurt a little but don’t let that bother you.”

Aaron’s brow creased. “I’m not going to do something that hurts you,” he said. 

“It’ll be okay, I promise,” Spencer said. “And if it isn’t, we’ll learn from it and get it better the next time.”

Aaron wished he had more blood in his brain because he was pretty sure there was something wrong with that sentence, but it was  _ so _ hard to think with Spencer lying on the sheets looking like that. 

Spencer lifted his hips into Aaron’s and any more protest Aaron might have had in his mind vanished. “It’ll be okay,” Spencer repeated. 

Aaron nodded and kissed him. “Tell me what to do,” he said. 

“Um—well—” Spencer said between kisses. “It’ll be easier if I’m on my hands and knees.”

Aaron frowned. “I want to see your eyes,” he said. 

Spencer smiled with obvious pleasure. “Maybe we can do that later,” he said. “But this will be more comfortable.” 

Aaron nodded but didn’t let go of Spencer’s arms. “How about if,” he said, “You tell me everything now, and then we can just focus on this without you having to stop to give me instructions.” 

Spencer cocked his head, then nodded. “I like that idea,” he said. 

“Good,” Aaron said. He kissed Spencer once and then moved down to his neck and collar. He sucked at the hollow between the collarbones, feeling Spencer’s fluttering pulse against his lips. Spencer sucked in a breath and Aaron moved down his chest. He started circling his tongue around one of Spencer’s nipples and paused when he realized there were no instructions forthcoming. “Well?” he asked. 

Spencer groaned softly. “Sorry,” he said. “You’re making it hard to concentrate.” 

“Good,” Aaron said, and kept kissing his body while he talked, voice breathless. Aaron liked seeing when he could interrupt the stream of textbook-sounding speech by nipping at the right place and causing Spencer to moan. More than once it earned him a halfhearted swat on his head. 

Aaron took Spencer’s erection in his hand and touched his lips to the tip just as he finished explaining. He pushed his hips up into Aaron’s touch. “Is that all?” Aaron asked, before taking Spencer into his mouth. 

Spencer nodded. “Any questions?” he managed to ask.

Aaron shook his head, his mouth too full to answer. Spencer’s head fell back and he let out a slow breath, resting his hand on Aaron’s shoulder, making soft noises whenever Aaron moved his mouth in just the right way. He was getting better at this and was determined to keep up with Spencer’s learning pace, as difficult as it was. It required paying constant attention to the other man’s reactions, cataloging the noises he made and figuring out which meant he had just done something perfectly. 

Finally when he was sure Spencer wouldn’t be able to take much more he pulled off, chuckling softly at Spencer’s disappointed breath. “Are you ready?” he whispered. 

Spencer nodded. 

Aaron licked Spencer’s cock once more and sat up, running his hands up and down his thighs. “I need you to turn over for me now,” he murmured. 

Spencer nodded and rolled over, shifting up onto his knees and resting his head on his arms, holding his backside up in the air. “I feel ridiculous,” he said with a soft laugh. 

“Well you look beautiful,” Aaron said, kissing Spencer’s skin. He rolled away for just a moment to grope around in his nightstand. His fingers closed around the little bottle and one of condoms he kept in there and he came back to Spencer. “Sure you’re ready?”

“Aaron,” Spencer said, amused. 

In response Aaron squeezed out some of the lube and began carefully prepping him as he’d been instructed. Spencer hissed softly and shivered, protesting about the cold, but it didn’t take long before he was relaxed and taking deep, even breaths. “That actually feels good,” he murmured. 

Aaron smiled. He used his free hand to reach under Spencer’s body and stroke him slowly in time with his fingers. Spencer pushed back against him. “I want you,” he said. 

Aaron slowed. “You’re sure?”

Spencer nodded. “Are  _ you? _ ”

Aaron withdrew his fingers without another word. He pressed a single kiss to the base of Spencer’s spine and then pushed himself up onto his knees and rolled the condom on. He leaned over the younger man, pushing his cock snugly up against his body. He rubbed slowly and kissed all the way down Spencer’s spine until he was at the base again. He straightened and gripped himself, stroking a few more times, then placed his head against Spencer’s crack. He rubbed some more lube onto his length, took a deep breath, and started pushing in. 

Immediately Spencer’s hands gripped the sheets and he tensed, hissing. 

“Relax,” Aaron murmured. “You know it’ll be better if you relax.”

Spencer let out a breath and nodded and Aaron felt his muscles loosen slightly. He kept pushing, moving slowly, pausing whenever Spencer needed it, until he was buried inside him. “Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’m in.” 

Spencer reached back and grabbed Aaron’s hand and squeezed. “Go,” he said. 

Aaron pulled out, held his breath for a moment, and then moved his hips forward, shoving himself in with a single motion. This time, he paid attention to how it felt, and had to fight back a groan. Spencer was hot, tight. It was different from sex with a woman, but only that: different. Still incredible. Aaron set a steady rhythm of moving in and out, leaning forward and holding himself up on one arm so he could press his lips to Spencer’s back while he rested the other on the younger man’s hip. 

“Tell me if you need to stop,” Aaron said against his skin. 

“No,” Spencer said. His voice was tight. 

They stayed like that for a long time, with Aaron directing most of the movement, before he felt a cramp growing in his legs and shifted his stance just slightly. It put him at a different angle and the next time he pressed forward, Spencer gave a startled cry, his back arching. 

Aaron froze. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Spencer gasped. “I think you—”

Aaron repeated the motion and Spencer cried out again. “Good?”

Spencer groaned. “Go faster,” he said. 

Aaron obeyed. Hearing Spencer enjoying the experience made it so much better for him and he wrapped his hand around the slender waist to get better leverage. His fingers brushed against Spencer’s cock and almost on instinct, he took it in hand and started stroking to the same rhythm as his thrusts. Spencer was gasping and moaning with each new press. 

Finally Aaron couldn’t take it anymore. “I need to see your eyes,” he said. 

Spencer nodded shakily and Aaron pulled out. Spencer collapsed down and rolled onto his back and Aaron bore down on him, kissing him as he hooked his arms under Spencer’s legs and lifted him up. Pushing in was easier this time and almost immediately he was able to find the spot that made Spencer writhe. Once he had, he leaned down and kissed him heatedly. Spencer’s arms wrapped around his neck and his fingers gripped his hair. Aaron moved to his neck, biting down on just the right spot that he knew the other man loved. 

Spencer whimpered and bucked up against him, saying Aaron’s name over and over. Hearing his voice like that drove Aaron almost crazy with need and he nipped all up and down the younger man’s neck, being as careful as he could not to leave marks. He felt Spencer’s hand on the side of his face, turning it, and he followed the guide until their mouths pressed together. The kisses were sloppy, ungraceful, but they tasted like Spencer and that was enough. 

Aaron didn’t know how long they stayed like that, rocking together, but they were both sweat slicked and trembling when he started to feel the tightness in his belly that meant he was close. He barely had time to give Spencer warning before he was frozen in ecstasy, buried completely in the other man, feeling his orgasm crash over him. He came down from the high with a harsh gasp and looked at Spencer’s face. 

Spencer was still tense, still hard. He had stilled as Aaron did and now looked up at him with pleading eyes. 

Aaron reached down and gripped him firmly and shoved his hips forward with very careful and very purposeful thrusts. He rubbed Spencer up and down as fast as he thought he could handle and was immediately rewarded by a sharp yell as Spencer pushed back towards Aaron. 

Aaron couldn’t take much more of the tight sensation around his now sensitive cock and was about to tell Spencer he needed to stop when Spencer suddenly arched up and clenched the sheets, crying out as he came. Aaron slowed the speed of his rubbing but didn’t stop, even as Spencer sagged. He stroked him gently for a few more moments as he pulled out, making the priest hiss softly. He pulled the condom off and tied it and got up to throw it away in the bathroom. 

Aaron returned with a warm washcloth and crawled back onto the bed. The first thing he did was lean over and kiss Spencer, who was still catching his breath, before gently cleaning his chest and abdomen. 

“Aaron,” Spencer murmured when Aaron had finished. He opened his eyes. 

Aaron lay down next to him. “Mm?”

Spencer rolled towards him and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I liked that,” he said, sounding surprised and shy at the same time. 

“Me too,” Aaron said. He wrapped his arms around the younger man and held him as they rested together. 

Aaron was dozing off when he heard Spencer ask, “Are you still hungry? I did promise you food.” 

“Yeah,” Aaron said, “But not enough to move right now.” He reached up to stroke Spencer’s hair. “You never told me about your IQ.” 

Spencer opened his eyes and looked at him. “It’s just a number,” he said. “The tests are biased, anyway, they aren’t an impartial judge of intelligence, which I don’t believe can be quantified.” 

“You still never told me,” Aaron said. 

Spencer bit his lip. “People treat me differently once they know. Either I’m a freak or some kind of prodigy.” 

“Did I treat you differently?”

“No,” Spencer said. He sounded amazed. “You didn’t.” 

“You’re the same person before and after a quantified intelligence rating,” Aaron said. 

Spencer looked like he wanted to say something, but he stopped himself, licked his lips, and kissed Aaron one more time before murmuring, “Good night.” 

“Good night,” Aaron whispered back. The words  _ I love you _ went through his mind, unspoken, and he wondered if Spencer had thought the same thing.


	8. Chapter 8

Aaron had a blissful few weeks with nothing but paperwork and consults and being able to go home every night to Spencer before he got a phone call and that all changed. 

He was sitting on the couch watching the news with Spencer’s feet in his lap. Spencer was reading a textbook Aaron had brought home for him about criminal negotiation, occasionally making remarks or asking questions. His phone rang. He looked at the number and recognized it as a Massachusetts area code, but nothing else. He muted the television. “Hello?”

“Aaron Hotchner?”

“Yes, who is this?” Aaron asked. 

The woman gave him her name and then said, “I’m a caretaker for Tom Shaunessy.” 

Aaron sat up straighter at the name. “How is Detective Shaunessy?” he asked. 

“Retired,” the woman said. “And very sick.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear it,” Aaron said, still confused. 

“Actually that’s why I’m calling. Mr. Shaunessy’s health is fading rapidly and I don’t think he’ll last much longer. He’s been asking for you.”

Aaron frowned. Did the man have Alzheimer’s? “For me?” he asked. “There must be some mistake, I only—”

“I assure you there is no mistake,” the woman said. “He even warned me you would be confused, but you are the person he wants to see.”

“Okay,” Aaron said. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. You’re still in South Boston?”

The woman confirmed that and gave him the street address. Aaron hung up. 

“A case?” Spencer asked. 

“Not exactly,” Aaron said. He rubbed his hand over his face. South Boston was a nine hour car drive, with perfect traffic. If he left now… Maybe he could convince Garcia to let him use the jet. Or rather, convince Garcia to forge the records saying this trip was for a case. “Someone I worked with a long time ago wants to see me, I guess he doesn’t have much time left.”

“I’m sorry,” Spencer said, putting down the book and sitting up, moving closer to Aaron. He kissed Aaron’s shoulder while he called Garcia’s cell and asked her to manipulate the proper documents before he requested use of the plane. 

“I have to go,” Aaron sighed as he hung up. He turned towards Spencer and pressed their lips together before standing. “I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

* * *

He got back in the following morning, called Spencer to let him know he was there safely, and went straight into the office. He pulled a file that should have been buried long ago but somehow always managed to stay in his desk drawer and began reading. A few hours later, his phone rang again. He stood up as he answered, dreading what he was about to hear. 

It was the same nurse as before, telling him gently that Tom Shaunessy had just passed away. Aaron thanked her and hung up before walking to JJ’s office and instructing her to watch out for any strange killings in Boston. He left without giving her a chance to reply and locked himself in his office, waiting for the case that he knew was about to come. 

He didn’t have to wait long. 

* * *

Returning from Boston, Aaron felt more tired than he had in a long time. He kept telling himself that Foyet was caught, Foyet was caught, that soon he would be home and he could rest in Spencer’s arms and forget the last week. He closed his eyes as a memory washed over him. 

_ "Well here, use mine. You’ve convinced me.” _

_ “Dave—” _

_ “No no, you hung up on him,” Rossi continued. “You practically killed them yourself. Go ahead, get it over with. Don't worry about us, we'll get this guy without you.” _

_ Aaron tried to interrupt him again, but Rossi wasn’t having any of it.  _

_ “Hey, I was retired! Should I blame myself for every victim that got killed while I was on a book tour? Look, if you want to end up like Shaunessy, like Gideon, blaming yourself for everything, you go ahead, but that voice in your head is not your conscience, it's your ego. This isn't about us, Aaron, it's about the bad guys, that's why we profile them. It's their fault. We're just guys doing a job. And when we stop doing it someone else will. Trust me. I know.” _

_ Aaron couldn’t help but smile and gestured that Rossi should put the gun away. “A gun, Dave? It’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?” _

_ “My wife always said I had a flair for the dramatic.” _

Aaron pushed it from his mind and turned to stare out the window. They were minutes away from landing and he ached to be at home. 

As soon as they were in, though, Rossi convinced him into his office and brought two mugs of coffee. He added a splash of whisky to his and Aaron declined and Rossi sat down. 

“So tell me about your life,” Rossi said. 

Aaron raised an eyebrow. “You know about my life,” he said. 

“I know about your life at work,” Rossi said. “Otherwise I know you’re living with a man, but that’s it. Tell me more.”

“Why?” Aaron asked. “This feels like an interrogation.”

“Why? Because I’m your friend, and I’m curious. I’ve barely even gotten to meet the guy. Are you going to invite me over for dinner at least?”

“Dinner?” Aaron repeated. The idea of eating dinner with Spencer and Rossi was bewildering, but somehow inviting. “I’ll ask Spencer. You know he’s read all your books?”

An almost smug look came to Rossi’s face. “Is that so?” he asked. 

“Well, he was curious about profiling,” Aaron said. He took a sip of his coffee. “I wasn’t there to point him in the right direction and he’d read them all by the time I got home from work, nothing I could do about it.” He took another sip to hide his grin when Rossi started glaring.

“You know what I’d like to say to you,” Rossi began, but was interrupted when the door opened. He turned around and Aaron looked up. 

JJ was standing there, looking ill. “He escaped,” she said. “Foyet escaped.”

Aaron and Rossi both stood up and went to the bullpen, coffee forgotten. 

It wasn’t long after that, while they looked in dismay at the schematics found in Foyet’s house, that Garcia looked up at Aaron. 

“They’re going to find them, right?” she asked. 

Aaron’s mouth drew into a tight line. “No,” he said. “They’re not.” He stood up. “It’s almost midnight. Go home, everyone. We can’t do a thing about it now.” 

* * *

Aaron crept into his apartment as quietly as he could, hoping that Spencer was asleep by now instead of waiting up for him. The lights were all off, but as he hung up his coat and took off his shoes, his eyes adjusted and he realized there was a dim light coming from the direction of the bedroom door. 

He opened it carefully and peered inside, then smiled. Spencer was asleep under the covers with a book folded open on his chest. Aaron undressed quietly and showered thoroughly with the water as hot as he could stand. He pulled pajamas on and padded over and carefully removed the book from his lover’s hands. He set it down on the nightstand and lay down as quietly as he could.

Spencer shifted. “Aaron?” he mumbled.

“Hey,” Aaron said. He couldn’t keep the worn sound from his voice. “Go back to sleep.”

Spencer ignored him and opened his eyes. “I didn’t know you were going to be back tonight,” he said. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” Aaron said.

“Is everything okay? You always call when you land.” 

Aaron sighed. Damn pattern readers. “I was going to, but then Rossi distracted me and then we got a call that our guy escaped.” 

Spencer sat up. “He  _ escaped? _ They let him escape?”

“They didn’t let him escape,” Aaron said. “He was planning it for years.” 

“What happened?”

“He drank his own blood and got sent to a hospital, where he crawled out through the ventilation system. They found the plans in his house.”

Spencer watched Aaron’s face. “He’s dangerous, isn’t he,” he said, voice quiet. 

Aaron nodded. He couldn’t look Spencer in the eyes as he thought about the deal he could have made, the people who had died and the people who were  _ going _ to die. Maybe if he’d made it…he was still young, still healthy. He could outlive Foyet. They could have guessed at his age, they knew he was at least ten years older now, if Aaron was careful with his health he could live for a long time still—

“Something’s wrong,” Spencer said. 

Aaron closed his eyes. He heard the blankets rustle and then felt hands on his shoulder, gently guiding him over until he had his head in Spencer’s lap. He buried his face into his lover’s shirt. 

“Tell me,” Spencer said. 

So Aaron did. He told Spencer everything, about the deal Foyet had made with Shaunessy ten years ago, about the deal he had offered Aaron, about the way he had stabbed himself to hide from them, about the way he indiscriminately killed people with no remorse whatsoever, about what he had done to Morgan, and about his fears that he should have accepted the deal. 

Spencer was silent for a long time when he finished. Even though the priest’s hands were still petting his hair, Aaron started to fear that Spencer thought he should have made the deal too, and he felt tears well up in his eyes. He was about to pull away so that Spencer wouldn’t have to touch him anymore when he heard him take a deep breath. 

“But Aaron…” Spencer said, “You couldn’t have taken that deal. You—” His voice faltered, and when he spoke again, Aaron could barely hear him. “You could be killed on your next case, and then he would start killing again, and then what would happen?”

Aaron raised his head and looked up at Spencer. “I…”

“Your job is dangerous,” Spencer said, his fingers roaming Aaron’s face. “I know you’re careful, as careful as you can be, but things happen. I—” This time his voice broke completely and he turned away.

Spencer was right. Foyet made deals with law officers. It wasn’t just the power play, it was a gamble that he wouldn’t have to wait long. All the while thinking of his own death, Aaron had never thought of dying in the field. Slowly he sat up. He turned Spencer’s face back to him. “This isn’t about Foyet anymore, is it,” he said. 

Spencer shook his head. His eyes were bright. “He almost killed Morgan. He  _ could _ have killed Morgan. What if that had been you, what if you hadn’t been unconscious, what if—”

Aaron silenced him with a kiss. Spencer shuddered and clung to him. 

“Why are you thinking about this now?” Aaron asked as he pulled away. 

“I…” Spencer said, licking his lips and glancing down briefly. “I know your job is dangerous, and I know you’ll never stop, and I’d never want you to. But sometimes I just can’t help but think about what could happen…”

“But why now?” Aaron insisted. 

Spencer sighed. “I found an article about New York.” 

Aaron stiffened. New York. New York, where by nothing more than dumb luck, he’d been the one to survive the explosion. 

“I try to not worry,” Spencer continued. “Of course I  _ know _ you’re in danger all the time, but I never actually let myself realize it before.”

Aaron kissed him again. 

“I’m sorry,” Spencer finally whispered. “I didn’t mean to…just, you couldn’t have taken that deal. Not only could he be killing again sooner than you’d realize, but it would have been wrong. You don’t make deals with them.”

“Thank you,” Aaron said, and he meant it. He lay back down with his head in Spencer’s lap and closed his eyes, sinking gratefully into the feeling of just being close. “You know, Rossi asked me if he could come over for dinner,” he said. 

A beat of silence and then, “So he invited himself?”

Aaron chuckled. “He has a way of doing that without it ever seeming rude.”

“Are you going to have him over?”

“What do you think about it?” Aaron asked. 

“He knows Father James…” Spencer said, sounding uncertain. 

“He already knows you live with me,” Aaron said. “He swore not to tell anyone, and Dave is good on his word.”

“I guess it could be interesting,” Spencer said. 

“You don’t sound convinced.” 

“I get nervous with new people,” Spencer said. 

“You meet new people all the time at the church,” Aaron said. 

“That’s different,” Spencer said. “I know what I’m doing there.” 

“You know what you’re doing here, too,” Aaron told him. 

Spencer laughed softly. “No, I really don’t,” he said. 

Aaron looked up. “Spencer Reid,” he said, rising. “You are the most amazing man I’ve ever met, and even if you don’t think you know what you’re doing, I promise you, you do. We’ll start slow, just dinner, okay?”

Spencer searched his face for a few moments before nodding. “Okay,” he said. 

“Good,” Aaron said, laying back down, this time on his pillow so Spencer could lay down as well after he turned the lamp off. They drew close together, entangling their legs and kissing softly for a few minutes before they were both asleep. 

* * *

_ Foyet stood over him with blood dripping from this mouth. Aaron knew somehow that the blood wasn’t just his, it was the blood of everyone he had ever killed. He collected it with every kill and practiced drinking it the same way he had studied the building schematics. Aaron looked down. Foyet held a beating heart in his hand and a bullet in the other. Morgan’s. He could see Morgan then, too, and his eyes were closed. He was asleep. Aaron knew he needed to stay asleep. “Would you like to make a deal now, Agent Hotchner?” Foyet asked, the words resonating with painful force even though Foyet didn’t open his mouth to speak them. “No!” Aaron shouted. He couldn’t make a deal, he wouldn’t. The pool of blood at his feet grew bigger. “Be careful, Agent Hotchner,” Foyet warned, and Aaron saw that the force of his yell had roused Morgan. “Would you like to make a deal now?” Aaron spoke as quietly as he could. Morgan’s life depended on staying asleep. “No,” he whispered, but it was too loud. Morgan opened his eyes. Aaron tried to run to him to tell him to stay asleep, but he couldn’t move his limbs. Foyet lifted his hands, the heart and the bullet, and brought them closer together. The bullet moved into the heart and it stopped beating. Aaron screamed and Foyet laughed, spraying him with blood. Then Foyet turned and it was Spencer who was sleeping. Foyet picked Spencer’s heart up. “Would you like to make a deal now?” Aaron couldn’t seem to stop screaming, no matter how hard he tried. Spencer opened his eyes and Foyet grinned, baring blood-stained teeth— _

Aaron woke up gasping, hearing laughter ringing in his mind and seeing blood even when he opened his eyes to the dark room. His entire body felt numb and it was several long seconds before he tried moving, pushing himself up and rubbing his hand over his face, feeling tears on his cheeks. 

He felt the mattress shift and heard a tired sounding, “Aaron?”

“Yeah,” he said hoarsely. “Sorry.” 

A hand on his arm. “Nightmare?”

“Yeah.”

“C’mere.” 

Aaron hesitated, then felt Spencer’s tug at his arm and reluctantly lay back down. Spencer moved towards him and he rolled. Spencer drew him closer and wrapped his arms around his head and shoulders, pulling him into his chest. Aaron’s fingers found Spencer’s shirt and he gripped tightly. It smelled like laundry detergent and faintly like musk and the familiar aroma calmed him. Spencer’s hand rubbed warmly over his back and Aaron breathed out slowly. He could hear Spencer’s heartbeat and took solace in that steady, even sound, but the image of Foyet holding his beating heart was suddenly vivid when he closed his eyes. He held on tighter and shuddered. 

“Will talking about it help?”

“No,” Aaron said. He raised his head. “Please, can we just…” He wet his lips. “I need to kiss you.” 

There was a beat of silence, and then Spencer was tilting Aaron’s head up with his fingers and pressing their lips together. Aaron pressed back and rested his palm between them over Spencer’s heart. Spencer covered Aaron’s hand with his own and curled their fingers together. Aaron rolled back and Spencer moved with him, swinging one leg over Aaron’s body. He rested on his knees and Aaron’s hands settled on his hips in a firm grip. The kiss remained unbroken, and Spencer’s hands moved to either side of Aaron’s face, holding him gently. 

All it took was a small shift of Spencer’s body and Aaron could tell his lover was hard. He pulled out of the kiss. 

“Sorry,” Spencer whispered. “I didn’t mean to let you feel…”

“No,” Aaron said. “That’s what I want. Just give me a few minutes to catch up.”

Spencer gave a satisfied hum and went back to kissing him, moving his hips more purposefully now. Aaron lost himself in Spencer’s smell, his taste, his touch. This was almost what he was craving, but even as he let Spencer undress him and even as he pressed up into the heat of his lover’s mouth and then felt the coolness of the lube replacing it, he could tell he wanted something different.

Spencer stripped out of his own clothes and settled over him. He reached back and gripped Aaron and started lowering himself down, but Aaron reached out and put a hand on his chest. He suddenly realized with almost painful clarity what he was aching for. “Wait.”

Spencer stopped and looked up. Aaron couldn’t make out his face but he was sure it was confused, maybe even worried.

“I need to feel you,” Aaron said. 

A moment’s silence. “You don’t want…”

Aaron took a nervous breath. “I need to  _ feel _ you,” he said, and then his voice dropped to a whisper. “In me.  _ Please. _ ”

Spencer hesitated, then stretched out over him, holding himself up so he could look into Aaron’s eyes. “Are you sure?”

Aaron nodded. 

“Okay,” Spencer said. He started to reach for the drawer where the condoms were, but Aaron grabbed his hand, stopping him. He brought it up to his mouth and kissed the palm. 

“No,” he murmured. “Just you. I just want you.” 

He heard Spencer’s breath catch. “Aaron,” he whispered, then kissed him. He shifted his weight back and Aaron closed his eyes, listening to Spencer move about preparing himself. 

“Are you scared?” he asked when it took longer than he expected. 

“Yes,” Spencer admitted. 

“I trust you,” Aaron said. “Please, I just—I really need this right now.”

Spencer didn’t answer him, but a few seconds later Aaron felt pressure. He tensed in surprise when Spencer pushed a finger in, feeling nothing like he had expected. 

Spencer worked silently, gradually adding another finger, and then another, until he was apparently satisfied that Aaron was relaxed and ready enough for him to continue. He twisted his hand a few times before pulling all the way out and shifting up. He pushed Aaron’s thighs apart and Aaron lifted his hips up. He held his breath as he felt Spencer’s cock brush against him. 

“Breathe,” Spencer murmured. “You need to breathe.”

Aaron nodded and started breathing again, closing his eyes and readying himself. He felt pressure, similar to the fingers and yet different, and then stretching. He groaned and clenched the sheets, biting his lip against the strange feeling and forcing himself to relax as the feeling grew stronger. And then … the movement stopped and he opened his eyes, seeing Spencer hovering over him, feeling a  _ fullness _ that he never had before that, to his surprise, he  _ really liked _ . 

Spencer’s fingers brushed his forehead. “Okay?” he whispered. Aaron could hear the shake in his voice. 

Aaron nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Feels good.” 

Spencer laughed breathlessly. “Yeah,” he agreed. He backed out carefully and pushed forward again and Aaron groaned. The stretching was strange and kind of uncomfortable, but it was worth it. Spencer moved slowly and Aaron knew it was to let him adjust. When the strangeness of it all eased, he whispered to Spencer to go faster. He trailed his hand down his body and settled it over his cock, barely rubbing, glad to enjoy the new sensations coursing through him and watch his lover’s face. 

Even in the dark, Aaron could tell that Spencer had his eyes closed and he was biting his lip. His brow was creased, just a little, and the look reminded Aaron of when he was studying something. He wanted to kiss him now just as much as he did whenever he was reading, but he had his arms on either side of Aaron’s chest and was holding himself too far up for Aaron to reach.

“I want you closer,” he whispered. 

Spencer nodded and paused, catching his breath. Aaron knew he was scanning through books in his mind. “Lift your legs,” Spencer said, sitting up and leaning back. “Like a reverse sit-up.”

Aaron obeyed, pulling his legs back with his knees bent. Spencer followed, hooking his arms around the back of Aaron’s knees and then leaning forward easily, resting on his elbows. Aaron grabbed the back of his head and pulled him into a kiss, slipping his tongue into his lover’s mouth as Spencer began pushing into him again. 

As soon as Spencer filled him completely, Aaron felt something entirely new and it made him gasp. He dimly heard Spencer make a pleased sound and then he thrust back in. Aaron arched his back, pressing back as pleasure shot through him. Before long he was moaning every time his lover entered him. One of his hands fell from Spencer’s shoulder and he slipped it between their bodies, gripping himself. They were pressed so close together that he didn’t have room do to more than hold his cock, but it was enough. As Spencer whimpered into a kiss, trembling, heat flooded Aaron’s groin and he bucked up. His muscles tightened around Spencer and then he exploded, shouting and pulling Spencer’s hair. He felt Spencer freeze over him but it seemed far away through the haze of his orgasm. 

When he finally came down from his climax, Aaron heard and felt Spencer breathing harshly against his neck. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly, stroking from his head down to his back, murmuring soft encouragements. Spencer started rocking again, his thrusts growing shorter, harder. Aaron wrapped his legs around his waist, pulling him as deep as he could. 

The pitch of his gasps changed and then Spencer bit down on Aaron’s collar, shuddering as he came. Aaron could feel it as Spencer filled him, moments before he sagged, making a sound that was almost like a sob. 

Neither of them moved for almost a minute and then Spencer pulled out and Aaron lowered his body back down, stretching his legs out fully. Spencer lay on top of him and Aaron rubbed his back, closing his eyes. 

“Thank you,” Aaron whispered. 

Spencer kissed his jaw, murmuring something that Aaron didn’t understand. His lover was exhausted, so Aaron let him sleep, enjoying the memory of being filled, of feeling Spencer alive and pulsing and inside him. It didn’t take long before he was asleep again, and this time, his rest was deep and dreamless. 


	9. Chapter 9

Aaron was waiting outside in his car for Spencer to finish with his Saturday night meeting at the church. It was taking longer than they usually did, like Spencer had warned him it might, and he’d fallen asleep listening to a radio talk show. A tapping on the window snapped him awake and he looked up to see Father McReynolds standing there. Aaron reached up and clicked the key forward so he could roll down the window. “Yes?” he asked. 

“Were you waiting to see someone?” the older priest asked. 

“Yes,” he said. “But you were all in the back.”

“You could have waited inside,” Father McReynolds said. “The doors are always open.” 

“I know,” Aaron said. He looked past Father McReynolds and saw Spencer standing in the doorway of the church. He waited for a moment, and then disappeared back inside. 

“Well anyway, we’re done now,” Father McReynolds said. “I’m going home, but there are still some people inside. We’ll see you tomorrow?”

Aaron forced a smile and nodded. 

Father McReynolds walked away and Aaron let out a relieved breath. He decided he’d better get out of the car and at least make a show of walking inside. As he walked up the stairs, the other two resident priests passed him on the way down. They nodded to him in acknowledgement. 

Spencer was waiting inside. Aaron made sure the doors were shut before mouthing, “Are we alone?” towards Spencer. 

Spencer nodded and Aaron walked forward and hugged him tightly. Spencer returned the embrace. 

“What did McReynolds say?” Spencer asked. 

Not even the distinction of  _ Father _ , Aaron noted. “He asked me what I was doing. I said I was waiting for you to finish so I could talk to someone.” 

Spencer breathed out slowly. “It scared me to see you talking to him.” 

“I know,” Aaron said. “I’m sorry, I’ll wait farther away from now on.” 

“Thank you,” Spencer said. Then his eyes lit up. “But oh, guess what!”

“What?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer’s grin was huge. “I get to speak tomorrow!”

Aaron hugged him again. “That’s wonderful,” he said. He was about to kiss him when they heard the sound of the door handles lifting and jumped apart. 

Aaron was expecting to see Father McReynolds walking in, but instead, it was a frail young man with pale skin and hollow cheeks. His eyes were dark and framed by stark sleepless bruises and he had curly, unkempt hair. He hugged one arm across his chest, eyes darting around. As soon as he saw Spencer, his eyes lit up. 

Aaron looked at Spencer and saw him tense. It was subtle, but Aaron noticed. And then he smiled, and it was a more forced smile than Aaron had ever seen on him. 

“I—I was hoping you’d be here,” the boy said, and Aaron was struck by his voice. Thin, shaky, hoarse. It sent shivers down his spine. 

“Um…” Spencer said, looking in Aaron’s direction. 

“Oh…” the boy said. “I can wait, if you’re…”

“No, I’m not busy,” Spencer said. He looked at Aaron and took one of his hands, pressing it firmly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Aaron hesitated. “Are you sure it’ll—”

Spencer shook his head once, shortly, looking right into his eyes, silencing him. “Tomorrow,” he repeated, and turned back to the boy. 

The boy smiled, looking relieved, and Spencer turned away. The boy also turned and began walking towards the confessional box. As soon as the boy wouldn’t see, Spencer turned back and met Aaron’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he mouthed. 

Aaron gave him a reassuring smile before heading away, but he couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling in his stomach as he drove home and tried to sleep. 

* * *

Aaron lay in bed for five hours and managed to rest for a few, but he woke up an hour before he had to and couldn’t fall back asleep. He got out of bed, turned the alarm off, and got dressed to head over to the church. 

A few worshippers had already arrived and the confessional box was open and empty. Aaron headed into the back room and quietly locked the door behind him. He was surprised by the wave of relief that washed over him when he saw Spencer sleeping on the couch. He walked over and knelt down, brushing his hand over Spencer’s forehead. 

Spencer didn’t react. Aaron leaned in and kissed him gently. 

“Mm?” Spencer frowned and shifted, then opened his eyes. “Aaron?”

“Hey,” Aaron said. 

Spencer shot up. “What time is it?” he asked, rubbing his hand over his eyes. 

“Still early,” Aaron said. “Service doesn’t start for an hour and a half.”

“Oh,” Spencer said, looking around blearily. He lay back down and sighed. 

“When did you go to sleep?”

“I think about an hour ago,” Spencer mumbled. 

“ _ Spencer _ .”

“I know, I know,” Spencer said. He turned his face into the pillow. 

“You were talking to that boy?”

Spencer nodded. “I haven’t seen him in a while,” he said, his voice muffled. “I’d kind of hoped…”

Aaron knew he couldn’t ask details, so he settled for pressing his lips to Spencer’s temple. 

“You said it’s an hour and a half until the service?” Spencer asked. 

“Mhmm.”

“McReynolds will be here soon. He gets here early. You should go.” 

Aaron frowned but nodded. He kissed Spencer’s cheek. “Get through your sermon, then we’ll go home and sleep, okay?”

Spencer’s eyes shot open. “My sermon!” he said, sitting up and pushing his hair out of his eyes. He swore, something Aaron rarely heard. 

“You forgot to plan one?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer nodded and rubbed his face with his hands. “You need to go,” he said. “And I need to work.”

Aaron kissed him. “Try not to overdose on caffeine in the next hour, okay?” he said.

Spencer smiled wearily at him, and Aaron left. He walked to a coffee shop that was a few blocks away and stayed there trying not to fall asleep while he waited nervously for the sermon to start. 

* * *

Spencer was tired, Aaron could see that immediately as he began talking. His voice wasn’t as vibrant as normal and he stood in one place almost the entire time. The only thing that didn’t seem to be affected was the way he spoke with his hands, gesturing and enunciating carefully. His hands made up for the lack of energy in his voice, puncturing sentences and emphasizing important points. Aaron couldn’t stop watching them. 

When Spencer finished and Father McReynolds concluded the mass, Aaron felt ready to drop. He almost didn’t even have the energy to wait outside for Spencer to finish talking with the people who came up to him afterwards, but somehow managed to get up and make it through the doors before sitting on the front steps and leaning against the pillar, basking in the sun. He fell asleep in minutes. 

He awoke with a start with a hand on his shoulder. Spencer was there. Aaron smiled and rose to his feet without a word and they walked to his car. Spencer was practically dragging his feet and his eyes closed as soon as the car was moving. 

They made it home and as Aaron locked the door behind them, Spencer moved into the bedroom, shedding his robes on the way. Aaron pulled off his tie and shrugged his jacket on the floor before slipping his pants off and unbuttoning his shirt. He crawled into the bed in his boxers, curling up around Spencer as he pulled the covers over both of them. 

“You did great today,” he murmured, stroking Spencer’s cheek. 

“I could have done better.” Spencer didn’t even open his eyes. 

“You were excellent,” Aaron said. He touched his fingers under Spencer’s chin. He could feel the stubble that was the result of him not getting to shave that morning. “I love you,” he whispered. 

Spencer was already asleep. 

* * *

Over the next several weeks, Spencer spent more long nights at the church than usual, or at least since he had started actually living with Aaron. Aaron lost sleep on those nights, sometimes couldn’t fall asleep at all until he heard the key in the door and felt Spencer’s weight next to him on the mattress. He hadn’t realized just how integral Spencer had become to his everyday life. 

Aaron became more of a regular at the coffee station in the break room when they weren’t away on a case than he had ever been before, due to a mix of staying up late worrying and staying up late between Spencer’s legs. Last night had been one of the former.

As he stood there pouring himself his second cup of the day while Prentiss waited for him to finish, he yawned. Moments later he heard, “Tired, Hotch?”

Aaron looked over and saw Rossi leaning against the counter, wearing a look on his face that could mean no good. He settled for a simple, “Yes.” 

“Up late taking confession?” Rossi asked. 

Aaron sent a glare in Rossi’s direction. The older profiler just smirked. 

“I didn’t know you were Catholic, Hotch,” Prentiss said. 

“I’m not,” Aaron said shortly. He set the pot down and walked back to his office. 

He only had a few minutes of peace before there was a knock on the half-closed door and JJ looked in. 

“What is it, JJ?” Aaron asked. 

“Someone called and asked to set up an appointment specifically with you today,” JJ said. “He’s on hold—I told him I would ask you, since you don’t usually do that kind of thing.”

“Did he say what it was about?”

“Ah, no, he said he’d rather speak directly with you,” JJ said. “He did say I should mention his name, Spencer Reid?”

Aaron straightened. “Of course I’ll take it,” he said. “I’ll call down and let security know he’s coming.”

“Alright,” JJ said, and disappeared. 

Aaron leaned back in the chair, worry eating at him. Spencer hadn’t come home the night before. He’d called in the morning to let Aaron know he was alright, but that was it. What was wrong that he needed to see him at work?

He didn’t have to wait long to find out. Half an hour later Spencer walked into his office and closed the door, looking drawn. Aaron stood up and closed the blinds before hugging him tightly. “Are you okay?” he demanded. 

“I’m fine, I promise,” Spencer said. “But I need to talk to you.”

He sat down in the chair facing Aaron’s desk while Aaron sat on the other side. Spencer leaned forward and Aaron grasped his hands tightly. “What is it?”

Spencer met his eyes. “Is there any ongoing investigation of serial murders of prostitutes in the local area, by either you or local departments?”

Aaron blinked, straightening. “Not that I know of,” he said. “Why?”

Spencer bit his lip, thinking for a moment. “I’m bound to not reveal anything that I’m told in the confidence of a confession,” he said. “However … I was told something that could arguably be outside the seal of confession.” 

Aaron tilted his head. “What was it?”

Spencer hesitated. “I said arguably. It could have also arguably have been within the seal. And on its own it’s useless. But, maybe, paired something existing, it could mean more. If I believe that, I would be willing to say more.” 

“But not unless?” Aaron asked. 

“Not unless,” Spencer said. 

Aaron leaned back in his chair, trying to figure out what Spencer could have been told. How could the seal of the confessional be in question, and what could only mean more paired with an investigation? Had someone confessed to details of a murder, maybe in third person? Or was it more subtle than that? Spencer had the natural talent to be a profiler, it could be a culmination of words and actions. But nothing concrete. 

Spencer was suspicious, but unwilling to betray someone’s trust until he knew there was a reason to. 

“I’ll talk to Garcia,” Aaron promised. “If there’s something going on, she’ll find it.” 

“Thank you,” Spencer said, giving him a tired, grateful smile. 

“Why did you come see me at work?” Aaron asked. “You know you can talk to me any time.”

“I know,” Spencer said. “I needed to talk to you as Agent Hotchner.”

Aaron nodded. He played the game of shifting identities every day. He lifted Spencer’s hand and kissed the back. “Are you going home now?”

Spencer nodded. “That was my plan.” 

“Why don’t you stay here, at least while Garcia’s looking into this?” Aaron asked. “You look exhausted, and you could get some sleep.” And he didn’t want to admit it, but he wanted Spencer close to him right now. 

“Are you sure?” Spencer asked. “People won’t think that’s weird?”

“Oh, people will probably think it’s weird,” Aaron said. “But they can also suck my balls.”

Spencer’s eyes widened and his mouth opened with a laughing gasp. “Aaron Hotchner!” 

Aaron pressed his lips together, hiding a smile as best as he could. “You’re a bad influence on me, did you know that?” he said as he rose. He leaned across the desk and kissed Spencer lightly. “I’ll go talk to Garcia, try to get some rest.” He opened the blinds again as Spencer curled up on the loveseat that Aaron had in his office and closed his eyes. Aaron left the door closed but not latched as he left. 

He knocked on Garcia’s door before walking in. 

“Garcia, I need you to look into something,” he said. 

“Just say the word, bossman,” she said, spinning in her chair. “What dirty little secrets do you need me to uncover?”

“This isn’t official,” Aaron said. “But I’d like you to see if you can find any recent murders of prostitutes in the area and compile them all in a file for me, and also find out if any local departments are investigating serial prostitute homicides.”

“How wide is my search radius?” Garcia asked.

“Start with the D.C. area and work out from there. Keep it to a hundred miles.”

“That’s a wide radius for one person, sir,” Garcia said. 

“I didn’t say there was a person,” Aaron said. “Just see what you can find.” 

He was walking back to his office when he was intercepted by Strauss. “Ma’am,” he said, trying to pass by her. 

“Are we a homeless shelter now, Agent Hotchner?” she asked as soon as he had gotten by. 

Aaron stopped. “I’m sorry, ma’am?” he asked, turning deliberately. 

“There is a man sleeping in your office,” she said. “I will ask again, are we a homeless shelter?”

“That’s Father Reid,” Aaron said. “He requested to speak to me about some rather sensitive issues, and he’s staying here until I’ve had Technical Analyst Garcia look further into the matter for me.”

“Sensitive issues?” Strauss asked, raising a dubious eyebrow. 

“Having to do with an unclear seal of confession and potential evidence,” Aaron said. 

“And he came to  _ you _ about it? Whatever for? Why not the local PD?”

“He assisted us as a civilian expert on a previous case,” Aaron said. “I think he’s comfortable with me.” 

“Fine,” she said. “I still expect your report later, and I expect him to be gone or in the proper waiting areas as soon as your business is concluded.” 

Aaron inclined his head slightly before walking away. 

Rossi was standing in the middle of the walkway in front of his office. “You still haven’t invited me over for dinner,” he said. 

“Don’t even,” Aaron ground out. 

Rossi looked at him innocently. “Don’t even what?”

“Make any cracks about him being here,” Aaron said in a low voice, taking Rossi’s arm and pulling him to the side. “Strauss already asked me about it and I don’t want more people noticing him than have to.”

“What kind of cracks would I make?” Rossi asked, eyes wide. 

“I don’t know, something about taking office calls in the middle of the day being unprofessional,” Aaron said. 

“Oh, please, Aaron,” Rossi said. “I was going to ask you if you had time to help me with a consult.” He started to walk away, then glanced back with a wink. “Besides, my joke would be  _ way _ better than that.”

Aaron glared at him before going into his office. He left the door all the way open. 

Spencer was asleep and Aaron settled down quietly at his desk to keep working until Garcia got back to him with any results. 

* * *

Almost two hours later Garcia burst into his office, talking loudly. “Sir, I have the results here, and—” She noticed Spencer and stopped. “Oh! Sorry,” she whispered. “Um, who…?”

Aaron held out his hand. “The file, Garcia,” he said. 

“Oh, right,” she said, and handed it to him. He opened it and started flipping through the pages. 

“There isn’t a lot of evidence,” Garcia said. “Prostitutes’ deaths don’t generate a lot of paperwork, as you know. However, I did find a sharp increase in murders involving them starting about six months ago, across multiple departments, counties, and states.”

Aaron got to a graph she had created showing just that. “No local PDs are investigating?”

“None, sir,” Garcia said. “I called every department who’s had one of these murders in the last six months.”

Aaron turned the page and found a map with a red dot indicating every body found. There was a clear epicenter. His felt numb as he stared at it.

“And…sir, as if that weren’t enough, there’s something else…” 

Aaron flipped past the map and froze. It was a photo of a young woman’s body. Her shirt had been shoved up over her face and her body was cut open. But even through the blood and the pulled back skin, the shape of the original cut was clear. Aaron turned through page after page of photos all showing the exact same thing. “Garcia,” he said slowly, “They’re cut in the shape of…”

“I tried not to look, sir,” she said, “But every single one has that.” 

Aaron looked up at her. “Why hasn’t anyone picked up on this?” he demanded. “This is a clear signature.”

“Well, sir,” she said, “The murders all take place in different departments, and they’ve gone in a very specific order through them. It means that only one prostitute shows up dead in each every six weeks or so, and my guess is, the last one’s file has already been buried by the time the new one shows up.”

Aaron shook his head and closed the file. “How many total?”

“Almost two dozen, sir.”

“Thank you, Garcia.” It was a dismissal, and she understood, leaving quietly. 

Aaron looked over at Spencer to find the younger man’s eyes open and looking right at him. 

“You were listening?”

Spencer nodded. “There’s something?”

“In the last six months, 22 prostitutes have died from blood loss and injuries caused by crucifix shaped wounds in their abdomens.”

Spencer sat up, staring at Aaron. “ _ What? _ ”

“Can you tell me more now?” Aaron asked. 

“Make it an official investigation,” Spencer said. “And I’ll tell you what I can. Is there any physical evidence from the scenes?”

“No,” Aaron said. 

Spencer pinched the bridge of his nose and whispered something under his breath before looking up. “When will you talk to your team?”

“As soon as possible,” Aaron said, rising. “I’ll give this to JJ now and then we’ll meet as soon as she compiles everything together.”

“Can I be there?”

“Of course,” Aaron said. “Wait here.”

* * *

They met in the conference room half an hour later. Aaron and Spencer were there before any of the others and Aaron carefully noted each person’s reaction as they came in and saw a stranger sitting there. Everyone looked puzzled, except for Rossi, who looked like he wanted to say something inappropriate. 

“Everyone, this is Father Reid,” Aaron said. “He’s joining us today.”

“That’s where I recognize you from,” Prentiss said. “You worked on that case a while back.”

Spencer nodded. 

“So what do we have?” Morgan asked.

“Serial homicides of prostitutes in the D.C. and surrounding areas,” JJ said, showing a map.

“We’re sure it’s the same guy?” Rossi asked. 

“Yes,” JJ said, and flipped to the next slide. Four of the pictures were there, ones that clearly showed the cross shaped cut. Aaron saw Spencer straighten out of the corner of his eye. 

Morgan flipped to that point in his file. “Well that’s a signature if I’ve seen one,” he said.

“It isn’t the most efficient way to cut open a body,” Prentiss said. “Maybe the first few victims while he was experimenting and getting to know his way around, but he should have figured out there are easier ways.”

“So the shape has meaning to him,” Morgan said. “A cross.” 

There was a pause, and then everyone in the room but Aaron looked at Spencer, who swallowed. 

“The victims cross state lines,” Aaron said. “Which means we are now officially in charge of the investigation.” Now he, too, turned to Spencer. “Is that enough for you to tell us more?” he asked. 

Spencer folded his hands on the table. “A young man started coming to see me about a year ago,” he said. “During that time, we never spoke outside the Seal of the Confessional. Six months ago, he stopped.”

“When the murders started,” Rossi said. 

Spencer nodded. “A few weeks ago, he started coming back.” 

The image of the frail boy jumped into Aaron’s mind. “Did he confess to the murders?” he asked. 

“I can’t tell you that,” Spencer said, keeping his eyes down. “I can tell you that last night, he had blood on him. He was very upset, he never even made it to the confessional. I tried to get him to talk to me wherever he was comfortable. We ended up standing outside, and he was talking about how quickly blood cools down, and how she should have been more grateful, because she now had the image of the Lord in her forever.” 

“And you weren’t under the Seal of the Confessional,” Rossi said. 

Spencer shook his head. 

“Did he say anything else?” Aaron asked. 

“No,” Spencer said. “I told him to seek help, that there are people who will help him, if he needs it. He said the blood was from a bloody nose.” 

Aaron felt sick at the thought of Spencer talking to a killer by himself instead of being at home with him. “Do you know his name?” 

Spencer hesitated, his fingers clenching. 

“He came to you with blood on him,” Rossi said. “He didn’t go into the confessional. You can tell us, it could save lives.” 

“Nathan Harris,” Spencer said. 

Morgan picked up the phone at the table and hit the speaker button before dialing an extension. 

“Speak, mortal,” came Garcia’s voice. 

“I need you to look up everything you can about someone named Nathan Harris,” Morgan said. 

“Consider it done, chocohunk!”

Spencer glanced at Aaron questioningly. 

Aaron just shook his head, stifling a sigh. “We don’t have any physical evidence from the crimes,” he said. “And nothing to tie them to anyone So we can’t even bring him in for questioning, not without scaring him off.” 

“Wait,” Prentiss said, looking at Spencer. “You said he had blood on him  _ last night _ .”

Spencer nodded. 

“There’s a fresh body,” Prentiss said. “If we can find it, we could find evidence that other PDs have overlooked.”

“They don’t generally spend too much time on prostitutes’ bodies,” Rossi said. 

“Aaron, Garcia said that he rotates districts, didn’t she?” Spencer asked. 

Aaron felt the questioning looks at the familiar name and ignored them. “That’s right,” he said, flipping to that page. “Rossi, you and Prentiss go down to the Springfield PD and tell them we think there’s a body in their district somewhere. Find her. Morgan, I want you to go work with Garcia, see what she has on Harris. JJ, go with him. If he has any relatives, talk to them and ask them if they’ve noticed anything, but don’t let them know what’s going on. Father Reid…” Aaron hesitated. “If we don’t find anything, I need you to talk to him again. We’ll give you something to record with, and—”

“I am not wearing a recorder,” Spencer said. “Not when I might go into a confessional.” 

“We need some kind of physical evidence,” Aaron said. 

“I have an eidetic memory,” Spencer said. “You can question me under oath.”

“It’s much easier to persuade a judge with—”

“Hotch,” Rossi said sharply, glaring at him. “We can’t compel a civilian to wear a wire. This is a thin enough line already.”

“What do you need me to ask him?” Spencer asked quietly. “I can try to do it outside somewhere.” 

Aaron looked at him. “I need you to get him to talk about this cross cut. If he describes it on his own, we have him. Ask him to go into more detail, say…say…”

“He wants help,” Spencer said. “I’ll try to make him understand that’s what it’s for.”

“Good, do that,” Aaron said. He looked at the rest of them. “Stay in contact, I’m going to instruct Father Reid in case he needs to talk to him again.” 

The team left quickly and efficiently while Aaron and Spencer went back into his office. Aaron closed the door. He looked at Spencer. Spencer bit his lip and looked away. 

“I’m sorry,” Aaron said. 

Spencer nodded. 

“He was that boy I saw, wasn’t he,” Aaron said. 

Another nod. 

Aaron had to physically grip the door handle to keep from walking over to Spencer and holding him. The blinds were open. He couldn’t close them now. “You should go,” he said, his voice unsteady. 

“I know,” Spencer said. He walked towards the door. Aaron didn’t open it. Against his better judgment, he grabbed Spencer’s wrist and pulled him into the corner where no one could see them and pressed their mouths together. 

Spencer grabbed his jacket and clung to him, gasping when they finally drew apart. 

“Come home tonight,” Aaron said in a rough whisper. “Don’t go talk to him.”

“Aaron, I—”

“ _ Come home tonight _ ,” Aaron begged. 

Spencer swallowed and nodded. “I’ll go home now,” he said. “I’ll be waiting.”

“I’ll call you if we find anything,” Aaron said. 

“Thank you,” Spencer said. He kissed Aaron once more, briefly, then pulled away and left as quickly and as gracefully as he could. 

Aaron let out a long breath and leaned back, running his hand over his face. It was going to be a long day. 

* * *

As soon as Aaron got home, he had Spencer against a wall and was kissing him desperately as he shed his clothes. All those nights spent up worrying, Spencer had been sitting with a serial killer, pouring out his entire soul and probably trying to get the boy to do the right thing. Aaron knew it hurt him to act as he had, knew Spencer would see this as a failure on his part, even with as little as he had admitted, and the need to protect him from that boy both physically and emotionally was overwhelming. 

They didn’t speak; Aaron felt too raw, and knew Spencer could sense it. They didn’t even make it to the bedroom. Aaron backed Spencer up against the table and reached past him, pushing everything aside to clear a spot while his already-naked lover fumbled with his belt buckle. Aaron sucked on Spencer’s lower lip as he lifted the up and shoved his pants down to his ankles. Spencer wrapped his legs around Aaron’s waist and leaned back, holding onto his shoulders as he braced himself. 

Aaron spat onto his hand, rubbed himself briefly, and shoved forward. Spencer clenched his jaw against a pained sound and his nails dug into Aaron’s skin. Aaron held him tightly, pressing his face into the crook of Spencer’s neck as he hunched over him. His thrusts were short and hard and he could feel Spencer’s cock pushing against his belly. 

One of Spencer’s hands slipped from Aaron’s shoulder to grip the table for support. “ _ Nnn— _ ” He groaned through his teeth. Aaron grabbed Spencer’s hair and pulled, forcing the younger man’s head back, exposing his neck completely. A fierce possessiveness tore through him and he bit down. 

Spencer’s mouth fell open and he cried out. Aaron felt nails digging into his shoulder blade and then suddenly Spencer was coming, hot and hard, without either of them touching him, catching them both completely by surprise. 

Aaron pushed all the way in and held there, feeling Spencer strain in his arms, hearing his sobbing gasp as the ecstasy crashed over him and then flooded out of his body, leaving him trembling. He rested his face against Aaron’s neck and pressed his lips against it, kissing repeatedly. Aaron rubbed his back and slowly began moving again. “Come here,” he murmured, and turned Spencer’s face up to kiss him. They inhaled together, touching and stroking. Aaron rocked slowly now, suddenly content to take his time and just hold the younger man in his arms and listen to his quiet sighs and feel his breath against his cheek. 

Aaron warned him breathlessly right before he came. Spencer kissed him deeply as he did, rubbing the back of his neck and whispering seductive encouragements against his lips. Aaron shuddered as he slipped out of the orgasm, breathing heavily. He felt Spencer’s fingers against his face and he turned into the touch. 

“I was really worried about you,” he finally said. 

“I know.”

“You were in danger and I wasn’t there.”

“I wasn’t in danger, his profile indicates—”

Aaron silenced Spencer with a kiss. “I know, I know,” he said. “I know that. But I hate the thought of you with him alone.”

Spencer sighed and rested their foreheads together. 

Aaron kissed him again as he pulled out. Spencer let out a long breath and relaxed, sliding off the table as Aaron pulled his pants back up. He tried to go by but Aaron kept him trapped there. He looked up and down Spencer’s body, admiring him. He could see his cum running down the insides of his legs. “That wasn’t very sanitary,” he said, unable to keep the laugh from his voice. 

“No,” Spencer agreed, shaking his head. But he was smiling. 

They collected their clothes and cleaned up before Aaron heated up some leftovers and they sat down together on the bed while he ate. 

“Were you able to get anything done on the case today?” Spencer asked. 

Aaron sighed. “No,” he said. “All we could do right now is request that he come talk to us, and judging from the lack of evidence at all of the scenes, we think he would be smart enough to link that back to talking to you, and we don’t want to scare him off of that line of communication. I told the team you’d be there tonight to see if he shows up.”

“Should I—”

“ _ No _ ,” Aaron said quickly, then took a breath to compose himself. “No,” he said, calmer. “Just…please, I can’t…”

“You’re losing objectivity, Agent Hotchner,” Spencer murmured. 

“I know,” Aaron sighed. 

“Tomorrow then,” Spencer said. “And you can stand guard if you must.”

“I have Jack tomorrow,” Aaron said. 

“Then send Morgan if you’re really worried.”

Aaron’s scowl showed just what he thought about the idea of sending Morgan to watch over Spencer’s safety instead of him. 

“ _ Or _ ,” Spencer continued, “Since his profile doesn’t suggest in the slightest that he is talking to me for anything more than absolution, you could trust me, and let me talk to him like I always do. He gets nervous when other people are around and doesn’t open up. What do you think a powerful alpha male sitting in there is going to do to him?”

Aaron nodded reluctantly. 

Spencer yawned. Aaron leaned over and kissed him. “Are you as tired as I am?”

Spencer nodded. 

They got ready for bed in silence before crawling under the covers and curling up together, falling asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Aaron was playing Sorry! with Jack two nights later, smiling every time he son bumped one of his pieces back and giggled with malicious glee. He was trying to concentrate—his time with Jack was precious to him beyond anything—but it was the second night in a row Spencer was waiting at the church in hopes of Nathan Harris arriving and he was having trouble pushing his anxiety from his mind. He couldn’t decide which was worse: knowing exactly what the danger was—a man who was quite probably a serial killer but who should have no interest in Spencer—or lying awake trying to reassure himself there was nothing to worry about while fearing that there was. 

At least he could calm himself with the fact that Morgan was sitting in an unmarked car outside the church. He and Spencer had agreed on a compromise on that regard.

“Where’s Spencer?” Jack suddenly asked. He had become very fond of the priest. 

“He’s at work, buddy,” Aaron said. 

“But it’s night,” Jack said. 

“Sometimes I have to work at night, too, Jack,” Aaron said. 

“But you catch bad guys,” Jack said. Aaron could see that his interest in the game was quickly waning. “And they come out at night.”

“Spencer’s helping catch a bad guy,” Aaron said. 

Jack’s eyes lit up. “Really?” he asked. 

Aaron smiled. “Really,” he said. “You ready for bed?”

Jack shook his head. “Can we go help Spencer?” he asked. 

Aaron wished. “No,” he said. 

Jack pouted. “Can we pretend play?” he asked. “You be the robber and I catch you.”

“Okay,” Aaron said, leaping to his feet. He pulled out his hands in the shape of guns and pointed them at Jack. “Reach for the sky, Sheriff,” he growled. 

“Not in your life!” Jack cried, pulling out his own “guns.” It was all Aaron could do to keep his face straight at the obviously misremembered line from a Western. “Drop ‘em, Mister!”

Instead of “dropping them,” Aaron ran. There weren’t many places to go in the apartment, something he missed desperately about a house, so they ended up having a shootout from across the bed, yelling bangs and hits. Finally Aaron allowed himself to stagger and he fell clutching his chest. Haley had once questioned the violent nature of games like these, and Aaron had argued that he’d never interviewed a serial killer with a history of playing cops and robbers with a strong, loving father figure. Haley had told him to leave his work at work and stop profiling their son. 

Jack ran around the bed and pounced on Aaron, who caught him with an “Oof!” and fell back. 

“Gotcha!” Jack gloated. 

“You sure did,” Aaron said, lying on the floor. Jack snuggled up on top of him. 

Aaron was able to get him to bed not long after that and he sat up watching late night news on low volume sipping at a scotch. 

He’d fallen asleep when his phone started ringing and he jolted awake, scrambling to answer. He didn’t look at the name before he answered. “Hello?”

“Hotch.” It was Morgan. 

“What is it, Morgan?”

“Sorry if I woke you,” Morgan said. 

“I asked you for developments, it’s okay.”

“Father Reid called just now and said he got details that match the murders from Harris. We’re going to arrest him as soon as he comes out of the church. Rossi wants to handle the interrogation tomorrow.”

Relief washed over Aaron. “Call me as soon as you have him,” he said. 

“Sure thing,” Morgan said. 

Aaron finally allowed himself to relax. Everything was going to be okay. He fell asleep not long after with that thought in his head. 

* * *

Aaron woke up to the sound of cartoons and opened his eyes. The TV was playing quietly and Jack was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, staring up at the screen. 

“Way too close, Jack,” Aaron mumbled. “Back up.” He groped for his phone as his son begrudgingly obeyed. No missed calls. Hadn’t Morgan promised to call him back? 

Almost at that exact same moment, the phone started ringing. Rossi. 

“Tell me you have good news,” Aaron said.

“Not exactly,” Rossi said. “Harris slipped Morgan, he has no idea how. We’ve got local PDs looking for him.”

“And Spencer?”

“You mean Father Reid?”

Aaron swore to himself. “ _ Yes _ , I mean Father Reid.” 

“Just reminding you to be careful,” Rossi said. “He’s fine, don’t worry. I think he’s heading home.”

“Call me if anything happens,” Aaron said. 

“I will,” Rossi promised. 

Aaron hung up and looked at Jack. “You want some breakfast?” he asked. 

Jack spun around. “Pancakes!” he said. 

“You had pancakes yesterday,” Aaron said, amused. 

“I know,” Jack said. “They’re my favorites.” 

“Then pancakes it is,” Aaron said. As he started making his way into the kitchen, he noticed Jack scooching forward. “And if you don’t get any closer to the TV,” he said, “I’ll even make them chocolate chip Mickey Mouse pancakes.”

Jack immediately unscooched several feet. 

Aaron smiled and started a pot of coffee for himself. 

* * *

There was a familiar knock on the door right as Aaron placed one Mickey Mouse shaped pancake with chocolate chips on the counter in front of Jack, who was climbing up onto one of the breakfast stools. He opened the door and hugged Spencer before letting him in. Spencer pulled his bag over his head as he headed towards the kitchen. 

“Spencer!” Jack cried. “Pancakes!”

Spencer smiled and sat at the other breakfast stool. “Did you make those?” he asked. 

“I helped!” Jack said. 

“He put in the chocolate chips,” Aaron said proudly. He grabbed a mug for Spencer from the cabinet and filled it with coffee and sugar and slid it over to him. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“Did Rossi call you?” Spencer asked. 

Aaron nodded. 

“Well,” Spencer said, “Probably he told you everything already. Nathan left, and Morgan missed him. He got out of the car and then couldn’t find him. We think maybe he saw and realized.” 

“But he told you…you know?” Aaron asked, glancing at Jack. 

Spencer nodded. “Everything matches,” he said. 

“Did you catch the bad guy?” Jack asked, looking up from his plate. 

Aaron reached over with a napkin and wiped a chocolate smear from Jack’s cheek while Jack protested. “He asked where you were and I told him you were catching a bad guy,” Aaron said. 

“Ah,” Spencer said. “No, Jack, he got away. But we’re going to find him.”

“I know,” Jack said. “Daddy always catches the bad guys.”

Spencer glanced at Aaron and smiled, but Aaron could see the fatigue in his eyes. “His picture is out,” Spencer said. He took a long swallow of coffee. 

“Are  _ you _ okay?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer hesitated. “I…feel bad,” he said. “He came to me for help, and…I failed him.”

“You did everything you could,” Aaron said. “Some people just…”

Spencer still looked sad. Jack looked between the two adults, his face confused and a little worried. He reached over and put his hand over Spencer’s, who looked startled. 

“Dad says you can’t be mad at yourself for what bad men do,” Jack said. 

“That sounds like very sage advice,” Spencer said, smiling at Jack before moving his eyes to meet Aaron’s. Aaron grinned slightly to hide his embarrassment. 

After he finished his breakfast, Jack ran back to the couch to continue watching cartoons. Spencer wrapped his fingers around the mug and looked down into it. Aaron refilled his own mug and leaned across the counter, holding his hands over Spencer’s. “Are you okay, really?” he asked, keeping his voice soft. 

Spencer glanced over his shoulder to make sure Jack was engaged in the television. “I will be,” he said. “I know I did all I could, I just wish…”

“I know,” Aaron said. He shook his head. “I can’t believe Morgan missed him.”

Spencer bowed his head. “I need to tell you something,” he said. 

Aaron frowned. “What is it?”

“I gave him my cell phone number, and told him to call if he needed to talk.”

Aaron straightened. “Has he?”

Spencer shook his head. 

“We need to give Garcia the number, so she can monitor the calls.” 

Spencer looked worried. “If he does call…”

“We’ll have you talk to him and see if he’ll tell you were he is,” Aaron said.

“And arrest him,” Spencer said. 

“Yes,” Aaron said. “Maybe he didn’t connect Morgan to you, or even if he did, he still trusts you and has been seeking your confidence. Chances are he’ll call when he feels desperate.”

Aaron handled calling Garcia and giving her Spencer’s cell while Spencer sat with Jack in the living room and taught him card tricks. After that Aaron took the opportunity to retreat into his bedroom to finish some paperwork that had been piling up while Spencer entertained Jack for the day. 

After, the three of them went to dinner at a nearby Red Robin before driving back home. Spencer lingered in the doorway. This was normally when he left, to preserve their image in front of Jack. 

“Would you do something for me?” Aaron asked. 

“Of course,” Spencer said. 

“Stay at your house tonight.”

Spencer’s eyes hardened. “No,” he said, drawing away. “You know I hate it there.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “But I don’t want you in the cathedral with Harris out there.” 

“He wouldn’t hurt me,” Spencer said. 

“You don’t know that,” Aaron said. “I’ll agree it’s unlikely, but he’s a violent sexual sadist and if he figures out you helped us… We don’t even know why he was attracted to you in the first place.”

Spencer looked down at his hands. “I can’t stay in that house,” he said. 

Aaron only hesitated for a moment before saying, “Then stay here.”

Spencer looked back up. “Are you sure? What about Jack?”

“Jack can know you sleep here,” Aaron said. 

“Have you talked to Haley?”

Aaron sighed. “Not yet,” he said. A mixture of being away on cases and just plain avoiding the subject with her hadn’t given him the chance. 

Spencer nodded slowly. “I’ll stay,” he said. “If you want me to.”

“Of course I want you to,” Aaron said. 

“Then okay,” Spencer said, shyly, stepping inside. Aaron locked the door. 

“Jack?” Aaron called. 

Jack came out of his room. “What?”

“Spencer’s going to stay here tonight, okay?” Aaron said. 

Jack frowned. “Like a sleepover?”

“Exactly like a sleepover,” Aaron said. 

Jack’s eyes got huge. “Spencer!” he said, running over and grabbing the priest’s hand and tugging. “Sleepover! Come tell me about the dinosaurs!”

Aaron could only smile as Jack dragged Spencer away into his room and leaned in the doorway, watching as Jack pulled out his box of toy dinosaurs and dumped them all on the floor. “Sit!” he told Spencer, and sat on the other side of the pile. He picked up one of the figures. “What’s this one?”

Spencer answered, and that went on for almost an hour before Jack started to get sleepy. Aaron swooped in and got him ready for bed and tucked him in while Spencer got ready in their room. Aaron joined him not long after. He sat on the edge of the bed and held out a drawing that Jack had just made. Spencer propped himself up on his elbow and took it. 

It was a big house and a little house. In the window of the big house was a face with long yellow crayon strokes for hair and a red lipped smile. In front of the little house were three figures, two taller ones, one with short black hair and the other with short brown hair, and a smaller figure, with short yellow hair. The brown-haired figure was holding something and they were all smiling. 

“Jack says that’s you teaching him about dinosaurs,” Aaron murmured. 

Spencer smiled and handed the picture back. “You should put that on the fridge,” he said. “Children whose artwork is displayed tend to have stronger self-esteem and higher expectations for their creative endeavors.”

“Good to know,” Aaron said, and left to do just that. 

When he returned he turned out the light and slid into bed, pressing a simple kiss to Spencer’s lips before he pulled the covers up and wrapped an arm around his waist. 

“I like this,” Spencer said softly. 

Aaron smiled even though Spencer couldn’t see it in the dark. “Me too.”

* * *

Aaron dropped Jack off at school the next morning before going to work. JJ was keeping in touch with the local departments about the search for Nathan Harris, letting Hotch know every hour or two how it was going. So far, there had been nothing. 

It was mid-afternoon when Aaron’s cell phone rang. He looked at the caller ID. Haley. He answered immediately. “Haley? Is everything alright?”

“I don’t know, Aaron,” she said. She sounded angry. “ _ Is _ everything alright?”

“Ah…” Aaron said, looking around as if he would find something in his office to help him out here. “Is it?” he finally ventured. 

“No, it isn’t,” Haley said. “Maybe you’d like to tell me why, when I picked Jack up from school today, he told me all about how he had a sleepover with Spencer last night.”

Aaron almost groaned. “Listen,” he said. “I can—”

“I thought we were going to talk about this!” Haley said. 

“And we are,” Aaron said. “But I wasn’t about to call you to ask permission.”

“Why, too busy with your  _ boyfriend? _ ”

“It isn’t like that at all,” Aaron said, keeping his voice low. “Besides, what does it matter if Jack knows I love another man?”

“Love?” she asked, her voice faltering, but only for a moment. “It matters a lot. This is something sensitive, I wanted to talk to him before he saw it! But you had to go rubbing it in his face!”

“Haley!” Aaron snapped. “There was nothing for Jack to see! There’s an unsub loose right now who has ties to Spencer, and I didn’t want him out alone, so I asked him to stay. Jack didn’t see anything.”

“Did he sleep on the couch?”

“No, he slept in  _ our  _ bed.” 

“Aaron!”

“He’s too young to know what that means!” Aaron said. He could see JJ walking towards his office. “Haley, I have to go. We’ll talk soon, alright? I’m sorry if this was too fast for you.”

“Fine,” she said. “Soon.” The line ended just as JJ opened the door. 

“Everything alright, sir?” she asked, seeing the look on Aaron’s face. 

“It’s fine,” Aaron said. “What do you have?”

“Still nothing,” JJ said. “I’ll let you know as soon as anything comes up.”

“Thank you, JJ,” Hotch said. She left and he returned to his work.

About five minutes later, there was a soft knock on the door. “Come in,” Hotch said. 

Garcia walked in. 

Hotch set his pen down. Garcia didn’t come to his office very often. “Garcia?”

“Sir,” she said, wringing her hands.

“Do you need something?”

“Not…no, not exactly,” she said. 

“Then…”

“It’s just—” she said, “Well—I was reading about when a priest is allowed to break confidence and what he’s allowed to say and what he isn’t, and from what I saw, even what Father Reid told us might be considered too much. Like, if he had to testify, he could get in a  _ lot _ of trouble.”

Aaron frowned. “What? Even…there isn’t any grey area?”

“Well, there’s some amount of disagreement, obviously,” Garcia said. “But it’s mostly about child abuse, and even still, the vast percentage all believes that it’s an impassable line. Even as vague as he was, it was probably too much.”

“What could happen to him?” Aaron asked. 

“He could be defrocked, maybe even excommunicated.”

Aaron let out a frustrated breath. “He’s our only solid evidence unless Harris confesses. If he has to testify…”

Garcia nodded. “Do you think he knows?”

“He knows,” Aaron said, pinching the bridge of his nose.  _ He just didn’t tell me. _ “That was why he waited until we were absolutely sure something was even going on. Thank you, Garcia.” 

Aaron had a hard time concentrating on his work after that. Anxiety about what could happen ate away at him and he barely noticed the time that passed until JJ’s next visit. She knocked and opened the door slightly, poking her head in. “I haven’t heard anything yet, but…”

Aaron’s phone buzzed once. He picked it up. Text message from an unknown number. Frowning, he opened it. 

_ Don’t say anything when you answer. He’s on the other line. – S _

Aaron’s eyes widened. “JJ, this might be it,” he said. “Tell Morgan and Rossi to get in cars and tell Garcia to see if she can track the number calling Spencer’s phone.” His phone started ringing. He waited until JJ had closed the door before opening the phone as silently as possible. 

_ “—me where you are,” _ Aaron heard. It was Spencer’s voice. 

_ “I can’t…” _ It was the boy’s voice, that thin, rattling voice that Aaron couldn’t forget.  _ “There are people looking for me.” _

Spencer had dialed him in on a conference call with Nathan. Carefully, Aaron put the call on mute and then put it on speaker, rushing downstairs in time to jump into a van with Rossi. 

“Do you know where he is?” Rossi asked. 

“No,” Aaron said as he strapped on a vest. “Spencer’s trying to get him to say.”

“Should I go somewhere?”

“Head towards D.C.,” Aaron said. “Maybe he stayed close to the church.” 

Rossi nodded and flipped the lights as they pulled out. Aaron turned up the volume on the phone so they could listen. 

_ “Spencer, I’m scared.” _

_ “I know you are, Nathan, and that’s okay.” _

_ “What do I do?” _

_ “Start by telling me where you are. We’ll figure everything else out from there, okay?” _

_ “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone! I—I—”  _ Nathan sounded like he was crying. 

_ “I know, I know,” _ Spencer soothed.  _ “Let’s just get you somewhere safe first.” _

_ “Why can’t I stop seeing these things?” _

_ “Nathan—” _

_ “Why did I hurt those girls?!” _

_ “Only you know that, Nathan.” _

The conversation between the two went on for another ten minutes before Spencer was able to coax a location out of Nathan. Aaron’s head shot up. “That’s just a few blocks away from the church,” he said, and then swore. “Spencer’s going to beat us there.” And Spencer still had the line open with Nathan so he couldn’t call him and tell him not to go.

Rossi flipped open his phone. “Morgan!” he said. 

“Yeah Rossi.”

“We’ve got a location.”

* * *

They screeched to a halt, sirens blaring, at the intersection that Nathan had given. Aaron jumped out of the car with his gun drawn, sprinting towards the nearest ally. 

He almost ran into Spencer, who was standing just a few feet in, wearing his robes with his hands raised in the air. Aaron skidded to a halt just in time. Spencer glanced back at him and then slipped his phone into a pocket before slowly raising his hand back up. 

Nathan was on the ground with his back to a dumpster. He had a gun in his hands. As soon as he saw Aaron, he swung the gun towards them and Aaron immediately had his pointed right back.

“You called cops?” Nathan demanded, his voice cracking. 

“They’re here to help you,” Spencer said gently. 

“How are they going to help me?” There was a wild panic to Nathan’s voice that had Aaron on edge. “They’ll just lock me away and then fry me!”

Rossi appeared at Aaron’s shoulder and Morgan was there on the other side of the ally a few moments later. 

“You don’t know that,” Spencer said. 

“Of course I do! I killed them! I killed all of them!”

“You’re sick, Nathan,” Spencer said. “You need help.” 

Nathan shook his head. His hands were shaking as he moved the gun back and forth between the four men. “No,” he said. “I’m—I’m not sick, I just—”

“You need help.” 

“I don’t need it from any of you!”

“Of course you do,” Spencer said. His voice was calm and full of endless kindness. He took a step forward. 

“Spencer!” Aaron hissed. 

Spencer ignored him and took another step. “Why did you come talk to me, Nathan?” he asked. 

“I…” Nathan looked distressed. “I just…”

“You came and talked to me because you knew what you were doing was wrong,” Spencer said. “And I failed you, and I’m so, so sorry, but we can help you now if you just put the gun down.”

Nathan shook his head. 

“Just put the gun down, okay? I promise you, everything will be alright.” 

Nathan’s voice was small and frightened. “I don’t want to hurt anyone,” he said. “I never wanted to hurt anyone.” 

“But you did,” Spencer said. “You couldn’t control it, and you know it was wrong. If you come with us now, you won’t be able to hurt any more people.” 

Nathan nodded, and for a moment, Aaron thought he might put down the gun down, but then he had it pointed at his own head. 

“Nathan!” Spencer said. “You don’t want to do this!”

“I’m a monster,” Nathan sobbed. “This is the only way to fix everything!”

“This won’t fix  _ anything _ , and you know it won’t. You came to me for help, but you also came to me for forgiveness. How will you get that if you kill yourself?”

“It won’t matter,” Nathan said. 

“Of course it will!” Spencer said. “You deserve to be at peace with yourself, and the families of those women deserve the chance to face you.”

Nathan’s expression faltered and his breath hitched. 

“If you do this now,” Spencer said, “You’ll never have the chance to forgive yourself, you’ll never be absolved. The only way to make this right is to put the gun down and go with them.”

Aaron held his breath, sure for an instant that Nathan was going to shoot himself, but then the boy’s fingers relaxed and the gun fell to the ground. Morgan was there in moments, grabbing him and hauling him to his feet. Aaron and Rossi holstered their guns and Rossi went to help Morgan handcuff him. 

Spencer’s shoulders sagged with relief and he took a deep breath. 

Morgan and Rossi led Nathan away. Nathan stopped as they passed Spencer and looked at him. His eyes held betrayal, pain, fear. “I trusted you,” he whispered. 

“Nathan…”

“ _ I trusted you! _ ” the boy screamed, lunging forward. 

“Hey!” Morgan shouted and grabbed him, hauling him away. 

Spencer collapsed against the wall and held his hand over his eyes. Aaron touched his shoulder, briefly, and then led him back out onto the street. 

Morgan was holding Nathan’s arm while they waited for a police car to arrive. Rossi had climbed into the SUV and was on the phone with someone. 

Spencer turned away, unable to look at Nathan’s face. He hugged himself. Aaron had to bite down on his lip to keep from touching him. 

“Aaron…” Spencer whispered. His eyes were wide. They were pointed at the ground but it looked like he wasn’t seeing anything. 

“You did the best anyone could do,” Aaron said quietly. 

“I betrayed him.”

“To help him,” Aaron said. “He doesn’t want to hurt people, and now he can’t.”

“But if I could have helped him stop…”

“You know that’s impossible,” Aaron said. “He’s too sick. He needs more help than you could give.”

Spencer shuddered. “He trusted me.” 

Aaron frowned and glanced over his shoulder. Rossi was in the car and Morgan was occupied with greeting the arriving officer. Aaron put his hand on Spencer’s back and gently but firmly led him back into the ally. He looked around, and then hugged him tightly. 

“You aren’t allowed to blame yourself for this,” Aaron said, mouth pressed close to his ear. “You helped that boy, you probably saved his life.”

Spencer clung to him. “What if he never trusts again?”

“He’ll also never kill again,” Aaron said. “Which do you think is better?”

Spencer pulled back and looked into Aaron’s eyes. “I had to, right?”

“You had to,” Aaron said. 

Aaron wasn’t expecting it, and he doubted Spencer was either, but the next moment found them pressing together in a desperate kiss. Spencer’s hands were tight on his arms, Aaron had one wrapped around his waist and the other around his shoulders, fingers tangled in his hair. Aaron pushed him back against the wall and their exhaled together. Spencer made a quiet sound and Aaron echoed it, noses brushing, and then as soon as it had started, it was over, and they were standing apart. 

Spencer let out a slow breath and closed his eyes. 

“I have to get back,” Aaron said. He heard the brief chirp of sirens that meant the cop car was pulling away. “Will you be okay?”

Spencer nodded. “I will be,” he said, and then offered Aaron a smile. “I guess I did just save someone’s life.”

Aaron smiled back. “You did,” he said. “And everyone he would have hurt. You should be proud.” 

Spencer followed him out. Rossi was still on the phone and Morgan was getting into the second car. Aaron reached out and shook Spencer’s hand, murmured that he’d see him tonight, and then got into the car with Rossi.

* * *

Aaron gave Nathan to the State of Maryland, because even though he had killed fewer people there than in Virginia, Virginia was second only to Texas in number of prisoners sentenced to death, and he didn’t think Spencer could handle that. Nathan stood a better chance in the Maryland court system. As soon as the paperwork was finished, Aaron left for home.

He hadn’t forgotten about the matter of what Spencer had risked to bring this to their attention. Nathan had confessed more than enough, always seeking forgiveness, and no one would need to try to involve Spencer in the trial. It didn’t change what he had come close to losing. Earlier hadn’t been the right time to talk about it, but now…

“You lied to me,” Aaron said as soon as he was home, facing Spencer, who was sitting on the couch. 

“I did?”

“You led me to believe that what you were telling us was permitted.”

“There are differing opinions about that,” Spencer said. 

“But the official stance of the Church,” Aaron said, “Is that you shouldn’t have even told us what you did.”

Spencer met his gaze calmly. “I believe that when it comes to life and death, exceptions can be made. And Nathan wanted to stop.”

“You knew that you might have to testify,” Aaron said. “What would have happened then?”

“I would have been excommunicated.”

“And you didn’t tell me!” Aaron said, his voice rising. 

Spencer frowned. “Because you would have tried to stop me.”

“You don’t know that,” Aaron said. “You alerted us to the problem, we might have found him without anything else.”

“It would have taken longer,” Spencer said. “More women would have died.”

“We could have worked something out,” Aaron said. “We could have—”

“I couldn’t wait any longer,” Spencer said. “If he killed one more person because I was trying to save my  _ job _ —”

“You risked  _ everything _ —”

“It’s mine to risk,” Spencer snapped, rising to his feet. “ _ You _ put everything you have into saving people, why can’t I?”

“It was risking your entire career,” Aaron said. “My career  _ is _ saving people.”

“So is mine,” Spencer hissed. “Don’t you  _ dare _ try to tell me not to do everything in my power to—”

“Were you ever going to tell me? Or were you just going to wait until you’d been excommunicated?”

“Of course I would have, as soon as anything happened.”

“But not before.”

“Aaron, I  _ knew _ some of those girls,” Spencer said. “They come from all backgrounds, some of them Catholic. They want to be forgiven like everyone else. I couldn’t wait.”

“You think I would have stopped you?”

“I know you would have stopped me.”

Aaron winced. It was true. “So you lied instead.”

“I lied to you to stop him!” Spencer said. 

“But you still lied,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “I could have helped figured something out that didn’t put you at risk. I thought you trusted me more than that.”

“I do!” Spencer protested. 

“Well you’re doing a good job of showing it,” Aaron said, and he regretted the sarcasm in his voice as soon as the words left his mouth. 

Spencer drew away, looking startled, and then turned on his heel and walked to the door, pulling it open. He grabbed his coat and stepped out, then paused and turned back slightly. “I risk everything for you, too,” he said quietly, and then the door was closed and he was gone. 

* * *

The following morning Aaron got into work a late, which meant he had to walk past Morgan and Prentiss smirking at him. Even an idiot would have figured out he was seeing someone by now—hell, Garcia had known that much after the first  _ week. _ He just thanked his lucky stars that Rossi wasn’t in the bullpen too, because he couldn’t take any wisecracks about Spencer right now, but almost as soon as he sat down in his office, he saw the older profiler walking by the windows. 

Rossi didn’t pause in the slightest, just rounded the corner and strode over to Aaron’s desk. He threw something down on it without a word. 

Aaron frowned at him in confusion and then looked. 

It took him a moment to figure out what he was looking at. It was a cheap tabloid newspaper and Aaron was about to ask Rossi what it was for when he realized what the featured picture was and his entire body went numb. 

It was a little pixelated, but it was clearly him and Spencer, locked together in a kiss up against a brick building. Aaron was wearing his Kevlar and Spencer was wearing his robes. Above it all was the bold, screaming headline: “ **SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE?** ”

“Oh god,” Aaron whispered, standing up. He felt sick. 

Spencer had slept at the church. 


	11. Chapter 11

“I have to go,” Aaron said when Spencer didn’t answer his call. He had his bag and was walking by Rossi in moments, but the older man stuck his arm out, stopping him.

“You need to know this,” Rossi said. “The article has both of your names, full names, and where you work. It came out this morning, and local networks are already picking the story up.”

Aaron felt the ground tilt a little. “ _ What? _ ” he choked. 

“Not as a major headline yet, but it could be soon,” Rossi said. “Come on, a gay priest? They’re going to tear him apart with everything that’s happened recently. Don’t let him leave the apartment.”

“He’s at the church,” Aaron said. His own voice echoed in his ears. 

Rossi lowered his arm without a word and let Aaron go by. 

He barely glanced into the bullpen as he headed for the elevators, but JJ and Garcia were there now. It appeared that one or both of them had discovered the story and all four of his teammates were staring at him. He felt even more eyes on him as he hit the button with more force than necessary. When the elevator finally arrived and the door closed behind him, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. 

Aaron drove to the church as fast as he could, but even pushing as far as he dared past the speed limits it was an almost 30 minute drive. As he got to the off ramp, his phone buzzed. He flipped it open. “What is it?”

“Hotch…” It was JJ. “I’m getting calls from news networks asking for statements. What do you want me to—”

“You tell them that it’s none of their damn business!” Aaron snapped. 

There was a long pause. “I’ll just say no comment, then,” JJ finally said, her voice quiet. 

Aaron winced. He had never yelled at her before and she didn’t deserve it now. “I’m sorry, JJ,” he said. “Please just hold them off. If you have to, tell them that my personal life is completely unrelated to the FBI and you don’t know anything. I have to go.”

He pulled up in front of the church less than a minute later and jumped out, looking up. 

There was a crowd out front and most of them looked like reporters. Aaron couldn’t see through it and he sprinted up the steps three at a time and forced his way through, wondering why they were being so tame. When he got to the edge, he froze. 

Spencer was standing there, facing the open doors. His fists were clenched and he was staring at the ground. Father McReynolds was standing in the doorway, gesturing angrily and speaking loudly. Aaron’s throat closed. The reporters were recording it, getting more than enough material for a story.

“—lied to the people of this church, lied your fellow pastors, lied to your senior pastor, lied to yourself, lied to everyone but God Almighty, and if it were possible, you would have lied to Him too! You indulged in vile, immoral sin and misrepresented the ways of the Lord. Your spirit is weak and you are no longer fit to guide the spiritual lives of others, not while your own has wandered so far from the path. You must renounce this immoral liaison and seek penance, or you will never be fit to stand before the Lord. Will you renounce?”

There were people behind McReynolds. Aaron recognized a few of them as regular churchgoers. They all wore ugly expressions. 

Spencer lifted his head. “I won’t,” he said. 

“So be it,” Father McReynolds said. He turned and walked through the crowd back into the church, his robes swirling about him. 

Almost instantly, the crowd of reporters surged forward. Aaron managed to stay in front of them and he reached out, wrapping his hand around Spencer’s arm. 

Spencer jerked away and spun around, bringing his other arm up in front of himself defensively. When he saw Aaron, his eyes widened and his arm lowered. Aaron was dimly aware of microphones being shoved at them. 

Aaron was trying to think of how to get them out of there when one of the men who’d been standing in the church stormed forward. Before he could react, the man had grabbed Spencer’s shoulder and spun him around and landed a punch squarely across his face. Spencer stumbled back into Aaron. Aaron caught him and then pushed Spencer behind him in time grab the man’s next would-be punch out of the air. He spun the man easily, wrenching his arm behind his back and holding him there. “Do you want to get arrested for assault?” he threatened. 

The man struggled and then hissed in pain as Aaron pushed his arm up, putting strain on his shoulder. The man looked over his shoulder at Spencer. “If I find out you ever set so much as a finger on my son!” he shouted. Aaron tightened his grip. 

“I never!” Spencer said, then grabbed Aaron’s arm. “Let it go,” he begged. 

Aaron fought back a growl and released the man, who turned around. Aaron stood in front of Spencer. 

A woman stepped forward and stood next to him and the man put a hand on her shoulder. Her eyes were narrowed with hate. “Faggots,” she hissed, and then spat on the ground in front of them. People in the church echoed her angrily. 

Aaron had to force himself to turn around. He put his hand firmly on Spencer’s back and guided him, because his lover looked like he was in shock. He held his arm out and kept his head lowered as they pushed through the crowd of reporters. Questions hurled at them from every direction. 

“Is the picture genuine? Were you aware you were being photographed?”

“Do you have any comment on the situation?”

“Father Reid, do you have anything to say about the intolerance of the Church?”

“Aaron Hotchner, is this the reason for your divorce a year ago?”

“Do you have anything to say about the recent child molestation accusations?”

Aaron got Spencer into the car first then climbed in himself, slamming the door shut. He locked the doors, started the engine, and began moving forward. Even the most determined reporter would get out of the way of a moving car, and they were free from the crowd in a matter of moments. 

As soon as they were out of sight, Aaron saw Spencer slump forward, holding his hands over his face. He didn’t know what to say, what to do, so he just reached over and squeezed Spencer’s shoulder. 

Spencer didn’t look at him. He raised his head and stared out the front and swallowed heavily. “How did they know? What  _ picture? _ ”

Aaron sucked in a breath. Spencer didn’t know. He had woken up only to be greeted by Father McReynolds and the others, and still had no idea what had happened. 

“Someone took a picture,” Aaron said, his voice tight. “Of us kissing in the ally. It got published this morning.”

Spencer inhaled sharply. 

They didn’t speak for the rest of the drive home. 

* * *

As they walked into the apartment, Aaron still more or less guiding Spencer in, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and silenced the third call from Strauss. If he didn’t get back soon, she was going to string him up. He led Spencer to the couch and sat him down and knelt down in front of him. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, reaching up and tucking a lock of hair behind Spencer’s ear. 

Spencer just nodded and took a deep breath. His eyes were blank. 

“I know you’re not okay, so I won’t ask if you are,” Aaron said. “But please tell me what I can do.”

Spencer swallowed heavily. “I just—” he said, in a voice that sounded strangled by the effort to keep himself composed. “I don’t—I don’t know.” 

Aaron’s phone buzzed again. He silenced it without looking. “I have to go,” he said. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Stay here, alright?”

Spencer nodded. 

Aaron stood. Spencer’s eyes still hadn’t focused on anything and he didn’t want to leave him like this. He hesitated, then pressed a kiss to his lover’s forehead. “It’ll be alright. We’ll get through this.” As he said it, a stab of guilt went through him. If it weren’t for him, Spencer wouldn’t be in this mess. He wouldn’t have even been at the church if Aaron hadn’t started their fight last night. .

Spencer reached out and took his hand, squeezing tightly for a moment before dropping it. 

As much as he hated himself for it, Aaron left. 

* * *

Walking into Quantico and hearing everything hush the moment he stepped through the doors was a unique experience for Aaron. He ignored everyone as he walked by and went straight for Strauss’s office. He didn’t bother knocking, which startled her, and gave him a moment of gratification. She was on the phone and gestured to him to sit as she finished the call. 

“Agent Hotchner,” she said, fixing him with a  _ look _ . 

“Ma’am,” he said. 

“I do not enjoy my agents being the subject of public scandal,” she said. 

“I assure you I enjoy it even less than you do.”

Strauss pursed her lips. “I cannot, of course, reprimand you for having a personal life,” she said. “But the FBI does not need to be brought into this kind of…” She hesitated, trying to pick the right word, then continued on without. “Of course it wouldn’t matter if he was just a regular civilian, but the press is hot for the child molesting priest angle right now—”

“He is not a child molester!” Aaron interrupted, half rising out of his chair. 

“Of course he isn’t,” Strauss said. “But he is apparently gay, and you should know as well as I do that some people do not see the distinction.” 

“Do you have anything to actually say to me, or may I return to work?”

“I would like to know what you plan to do about this,” Strauss said. “Especially since it could damage your working relationship with local offices if the story carries far enough.”

“I don’t believe this will go nationwide,” Aaron said. 

“Ted Haggard went nationwide in a matter of days,” Strauss said. 

“Now wait,” Aaron said. “Ted Haggard was outed by a prostitute and accused of meth use and cheating on his wife while preaching anti-homosexual messages. Spencer Reid and I are in a stable, monogamous relationship and he has never raised a voice against gay people.” 

“But he’s still a Catholic priest,” Strauss said. “Or was, anyway.” Aaron had never hated her more than in that moment. “So it could travel. I’m going to ask that you just stay under the radar on any cases until this blows over. The FBI has a public image, too, and we don’t need it to include priest seducers.”

Aaron narrowed his eyes slightly at her. “Are we done?”

“We’re done,” Strauss said.

Aaron left without another word. He headed straight for his office. When he opened the door, he stopped. His entire team was inside. 

“Don’t you all have somewhere to be?” he asked as calmly as he could as he stepped in. 

“Hotch,” JJ said gently. She stepped forward and placed her hand, carefully, on his arm. “We’re so sorry.”

Aaron thought about snapping that unless one of them had taken the picture they had nothing to be sorry for and could get out of his office, but the earnest look on JJ’s face stopped him. He thought back to how he’d yelled at her and sighed. “Thank you,” he said. 

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Garcia grumbled. “Who cares about two men being together nowadays anyhow?”

“The Church,” Prentiss said, looking at Aaron sympathetically. 

“How is Spencer?” Rossi asked. 

Aaron rubbed his hand over his face. “I think he’s in shock,” he said. 

“What happened?” Morgan asked. 

“He was at church this morning and from what I can tell, he got yelled at by the senior pastor for a while and by the time I got there, reporters were already swarming. A guy managed to punch him.”

“I hope you arrested the bastard,” Morgan said, shaking his head. 

“Spencer asked me not to,” Aaron said. 

Rossi gave a short, ironic laugh and shook his head. “So why are you here now?”

“Strauss called me back in to tell me to avoid tarnishing the FBI’s image any more than I already have.”

JJ scoffed. “Like she would know anything about the FBI’s image,” she said. “I’ve handled the press, no one’s even calling anymore.”

“They got plenty of footage from the church anyway,” Aaron said. “It’ll run as a story tonight if they don’t get anything better.”

Prentiss rolled her eyes. “Where’s a sniper case when you need one.” 

There were a few hesitant laughs and then silence. 

Then JJ took a deep breath. “I’m really sorry that we had to find out this way,” she said. “I mean, obviously we could tell there was someone, but, I know it would have been better for you both to be able to introduce him at the right time.”

“Thank you,” Aaron said, and he meant it. 

“Go home, Hotch,” Rossi said. “We’ll cover your paperwork and call you if we get a case.”

Aaron hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Of course we’re sure,” Morgan said. “Split it five ways and it won’t take that much longer.”

“We’ll all help, sir,” Garcia said. “We agreed.”

Aaron looked around at their faces, blinking a little extra quick and hoping that none of them noticed, and knowing that all of them did. These people were his family, no matter how much he tried to keep himself appropriately distant. “Thank you,” he said, keeping it to that, because he wasn’t sure he trusted his voice to be steady right now. He turned to go, but JJ stopped him with pressure on his arm. He turned back, opening his mouth with a question, and then she was wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly. He froze. 

“Hotch, I’m really happy for you that you found someone,” JJ said. 

“Um—thank you,” Aaron repeated.

“And he seems like a total sweetheart,” Garcia said.

Aaron glanced at her with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well he does,” Garcia said. “Like when he was sleeping in here—”

“Garcia,” Aaron said, raising a hand. He extracted himself from JJ. “Thank you,” he said again, not knowing what else to say. He hoped his eyes would say the rest as he looked around at all of them. 

“Go,” Rossi said. “He just lost his career, this won’t be easy.”

Aaron nodded once and was gone. 

* * *

Aaron locked the door to his apartment behind him and dropped his bag, rounding the corner. The television was on, muted, and he could see the top of Spencer’s head over the couch. He let out a sigh of relief and went to him. 

He didn’t say anything as he sat down, just put a hand on his lover’s shoulder. Spencer bowed his head and then leaned into the touch before crumpling, pressing his head into Aaron’s lap. 

“I’m so, so sorry,” Aaron whispered, rubbing his back.

Spencer was still for a long time other than the even rising and falling of his chest. Then he shifted slightly so he was lying on his side. Aaron brushed his hair with his fingers. 

“How are you doing?” he asked softly. 

Spencer took a deep breath. “I’m trying to feel calm,” he said. “But—” He broke off and clenched his eyes shut, gripping Aaron’s leg. “It’s hard,” he said. His voice was rough. 

“You don’t have to be calm,” Aaron said. 

“I’m trying to stay mindful,” Spencer said. “It’s um…it’s about viewing life objectively and distancing your mind from the things that happen, taking on a calm and curious view to everything, and—” He stopped. “I can’t—um—can we forget about last night? For now?”

Aaron’s stomach twisted. “I was being an idiot,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

“You weren’t, you were just worried,” Spencer said quietly. “You didn’t want…” He paused, then laughed bitterly. “You didn’t want  _ this _ to happen.”

Aaron’s phone rang. Rossi. He apologized softly and answered. “Yes?”

“Do you remember Father James?” Rossi asked. 

Spencer turned his head and Aaron knew he could hear Rossi too. “The one who helped us on that case,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Rossi said. “Well, he just called me, and asked if I knew where to find Spencer, because he’d like to talk to him.”

Spencer tensed. Aaron squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. “Dave, I really don’t think—”

“He just wants to help,” Rossi said. “I promise. I told him I’d ask.”

“Hang on,” Aaron said, and held the phone to his shoulder. “What do you think?” he asked. 

Spencer hesitated. “I…”

“You don’t have to see him.”

“I’d…I’d like to,” Spencer said. “Can he come over?”

“Of course,” Aaron said, and relayed the message. Rossi thanked him and hung up.

Aaron and Spencer stayed where they were until the knock on the door about 40 minutes later. Spencer sat up and Aaron got up to answer the door. Spencer followed him. 

Father James was standing in the hallway, wearing jeans and a short-sleeved collared black shirt with the traditional white band around his neck. He smiled apologetically. “I hope I’m not intruding,” he said. 

“Not at all,” Aaron said, and stepped back. 

Father James entered and Aaron closed the door. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the older priest hug Spencer tightly and then lean back, keeping his hands on his arms. “My dear boy,” he said, with genuine fatherly affection. “Let’s have a seat and talk, shall we?”

Spencer nodded, keeping his head down. Aaron announced as unobtrusively as possible that he would make coffee and retreated to the kitchen to do just that. 

He stood in front of the pot while it brewed, staring at the ripples. He could hear the quiet murmurs of Father James, and occasionally Spencer, behind him. When the pot was full, he took down three mugs and filled them. He left room for cream or sugar in one, took his black, and added sugar to Spencer’s. When he turned around, holding two of them, he saw Father James and Spencer sitting on the couch, facing each other. Spencer’s head was still bowed. 

Aaron walked over, feeling like  _ he _ was the one intruding, and set the coffees on the table. Father James was holding both of Spencer’s hands in his own and he thanked Aaron, declined cream or sugar, and asked Aaron to join them. Aaron returned with his mug and a chair from the table and moved the coffee table and sat with them. 

Father James turned towards him. “Spencer will almost certainly be stripped of his title,” he said. “And I’m sure that  _ someone _ will petition the Vatican for his excommunication.” He took a sip of coffee. “However, this is not without precedence. The Church is not unfamiliar with the issue of gay priests—there are more than most people realize—and there are those who even live openly to their congregation. The difference here is that those who can remain in the clergy while being out live celibately, which…” He glanced between the two of them. “Forgive me, but I don’t believe that’s the case here.”

Aaron cleared his throat and Spencer blushed. 

Father James smiled kindly at them both, then sobered. “Any priest who broke his vows, with either a man or a woman, would face the same consequences. So he might not be excommunicated, there’s hope. Catholics are as divided on the issue as the rest of the world.” He turned to Spencer. “I cannot tell you how happy I am for you that you’ve found someone to love who loves you in return.”

Spencer lowered his eyes and smiled slightly. “Thank you,” he murmured.

“Thank you for taking care of him,” Father James said to Aaron. 

“He takes more care of me,” Aaron said, looking away. 

“Whatever the case,” Father James said. He settled back more comfortably into the couch. “Every time I’ve seen him the last few months he’s seemed happier, and now I know who to thank.” 

Father James stayed until he finished his coffee, talking with them the entire time. Aaron could easily see the mentor-like relationship he had with Spencer. Father James was obviously one of those who had treated Spencer like some kind of prodigy after he found out about his IQ, but it didn’t mean he didn’t care about him. Then he thanked Aaron for the coffee and hospitality and turned to Spencer. “If you ever need a place of worship, or just a place to be, my doors are always open.”

“Thank you,” Spencer said. 

Father James hugged him once more and stepped out into the hall. He stood there for a moment, then turned back. “You know I can’t officially approve, and I’ll keep praying for you,” he said, “But all that aside, I am truly, truly happy for you. Take care.” He pulled the door shut behind him. 

Aaron locked the door and turned around. Spencer had walked to end of the kitchen counter, facing away from him. Aaron walked up behind him and circled his arms around him. 

“I’m glad he came over,” Spencer said. 

“So am I,” Aaron agreed. 

Spencer sighed and turned around. Aaron backed away only far enough to let him move before trapping him again. 

Silence fell over them and Aaron could feel their unfinished conversation from before Rossi called looming. Judging from the way Spencer was biting his lip, he could too. 

Spencer spoke first. “You have to know that I trust you,” he said. “Because if you don’t…”

“I do know,” Aaron said. “I’m sorry, for what I said. I was hurt that you acted without giving me the chance to help you, but I know you thought about it and I know you made the best decision.”

“Thank you,” Spencer said. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Aaron hugged him tightly. “I just want to be able to protect you,” he said. 

Spencer’s arms wrapped around him and he hugged back. “You do protect me,” he said. “You make me feel safe and wanted and strong. I don’t know if I’d have the courage for this without you beside me.”

“You would,” Aaron said. “I know you would.” He leaned back to look at him. He frowned. A bruise was starting to blossom under Spencer’s left eye where the man had caught him. Aaron reached up and touched it gently and Spencer winced, also reaching up and gingerly feeling the area. 

“I forgot about that,” he said. 

“Let’s get some ice on there,” Aaron said.

After Spencer had a bag of frozen corn to hold to his face he sat at the counter, watching Aaron rummage around in the fridge. Finally he stood up, put his hands on his waist, and sighed in defeat. “Does take-out sound okay for lunch?” he asked.

“Take-out sounds amazing,” Spencer said. 

* * *

So lunch was Chinese take-out accompanied by silly and unrelated fortunes, followed by Aaron calling JJ to ask her to e-mail him some of the consults that needed to be worked on. He and Spencer curled up on the couch and Spencer watched him work, offering insight and asking questions that Aaron found incredibly helpful as he filled out the accompanying paperwork. He discovered that it was very useful having someone around who could read through an entire case’s notes in a matter of minutes and accurately answer questions about the smallest details.

Dinner was the rest of the Chinese followed by watching a movie that was playing on TV while Aaron sipped at scotch and Spencer had amaretto, which Aaron had recently discovered was his lover’s drink of choice.

And then a preview for the evening news came on. Aaron tensed and Spencer sat up when the picture of them appeared next to the newscaster. 

“More scandal in the Catholic Church?” she asked. “Find out what this local priest was hiding, and how his congregation is reacting, tonight at 10.” 

Aaron watched Spencer carefully. He was staring at the TV. He’d barely done anything today that might indicate he was upset about what had happened, but Aaron knew better. He was either hiding it or it hadn’t hit him yet, but that couldn’t last forever. 

Then Spencer rubbed his hand over his face. “Can we go to bed?” he asked. 

Aaron finished the last of his scotch and nodded. He turned the television off and saw Spencer’s shoulders slump as he did. He stood up and held out his hand, pulling Spencer to his feet. 

After they had both climbed into bed, Aaron pulled the covers up and Spencer turned the light off. He rolled back towards Aaron and curled up next to him. Aaron kissed him once, gently, and kept a hand on his waist as they fell asleep.

* * *

Aaron woke up in the middle of the night to a strange sound. He opened his eyes and stared into the dark, trying to figure out what it was for a moment before he placed it. It was the sound of someone crying who was trying very hard to stay quiet. Aaron took a moment to note his body position—he must have rolled over at some point because Spencer was behind him—before turning. He could see the outline of Spencer’s body. He was also facing away. Aaron reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “Spencer?”

As soon as he spoke, Spencer dissolved into open sobs. Aaron sat up slightly and pulled Spencer closer to him so that he could hold him and bent over, pressing a kiss to his hair. He tried his best to just support him and soothe him, but it soon became clear that his lover was too upset and wasn’t going to be able to calm down anytime soon.

“He called me disgusting, he said—” Spencer suddenly choked. “—said that I was a freak of nature—”

Aaron’s temper flared. He briefly reflected that it was probably good he hadn’t been there to hear that part and tightened his hold on the younger man. “You,” he said, “Are  _ not _ a freak of nature. I’ve met freaks of nature. You are  _ nothing _ like them.”

“But it isn’t right—it isn’t natural—what if—what if we—” Spencer’s hand found Aaron’s wrist and gripped tightly.

Aaron knew he couldn’t take it personally. “Shh,” he soothed, and carefully maneuvered Spencer up and coaxed him out of the bed into the bathroom. He stood there, hugging himself, while Aaron turned the water in the tub on and held his hand under the stream until he was satisfied with the temperature. He took Spencer’s hands in his own and brought them up to his mouth, kissing the knuckles, and then gently undressed him. 

Once Spencer was naked Aaron shed his own clothes and then guided him into the tub. He drew the curtain shut, turned on the shower, and wrapped his arms around Spencer from behind. Spencer’s head hung and Aaron supported him while he cried. 

Slowly, very slowly, the tears stopped, and the tension drained from Spencer’s body. He sagged and Aaron caught him, carefully lowering him down until he sat in the tub, taking deep gulps of air. Aaron grabbed a washcloth and lowered himself down, ignoring his protesting joints and refusing to think about how long it had been since he had sat in a small porcelain bathtub. He leaned forward and kissed Spencer’s shoulder and rubbed his back with the cloth in slow circles while the water ran down over them. He didn’t know how long they stayed there.

The room was filled with steam when Aaron felt Spencer’s hand slide over the arm he had around his waist and squeeze. He set the cloth aside and circled his other arm around and Spencer’s hand covered that one too. Aaron kissed his shoulder once more and then reached back and turned the water off. 

Aaron stood first and stepped out, grabbing a towel to rub over his hair, then reaching for his robe. Behind him, Spencer rose and stepped out of the tub, touching Aaron’s shoulder and turning him back. 

Aaron pulled his robe on just in time to feel Spencer’s hands cup his face and pull him into a deep, breathtaking kiss. 

“I’m so sorry,” Spencer whispered against his mouth. “I didn’t mean it. This is right.  _ We _ are right.”

Aaron looked into Spencer’s eyes, which were bloodshot and underlined by dark circles. The bruise on his cheekbone had swollen and darkened. But above all that there was absolute love and surrender on his face. Aaron thought he had never looked more beautiful. He couldn’t stop himself from drawing him into another kiss. And then…

“I love you,” Spencer said. “I love you so much, Aaron, I—I  _ love _ you.”

Aaron kissed him again and again. “I love you,” he answered against Spencer’s lips. “I love you  _ so much _ .” 

They stood in the bathroom together until Aaron wrapped his arms and a towel around Spencer and used it to dry him off. He finally rubbed it over Spencer’s hair and then dropped it aside and hugged him again. Spencer rested his head on Aaron’s shoulder, starting to shiver. 

Aaron led him back to the bed and coaxed him in, climbing in after he took his robe off. Once the covers were up, Aaron lay behind the other man with one arm curled around his waist. Spencer was exhausted and asleep in a matter of moments, but it took Aaron longer. There were too many thoughts going through his mind.

Aaron knew the coming days weren’t going to be easy, but he knew they were going to be better. They  _ had  _ to be.


	12. Chapter 12

Aaron woke up the next morning to an empty bed. He frowned and rubbed his eyes and got up, grabbing his robe and tying it around himself before making his way into the main room. Spencer was sitting at the counter, holding a mug of coffee in his hands and reading the newspaper.

Aaron came up behind him and put his hands on his shoulders and kissed the top of his head. “Morning,” he murmured. “How are you?”

Spencer inclined his head slightly. “Better,” he said. “Sleep helped.” He took a drink from the mug. “Look, we weren’t even mentioned on the front page.” 

Aaron leaned over him and looked. Spencer was in the middle of the newspaper. There was a short article about them next to a black and white version of the picture. He skimmed the article, keeping his hands on Spencer. There was a succinct description of the event at the church with a quote from Father McReynolds assuring his congregation that they would not allow a priest with active, unrepentant sin in his life to guide their spiritual lives, and another from JJ saying that Aaron’s personal life was not the concern of the FBI and she was not qualified to speak on his behalf. 

“I’m going to the church,” Spencer said as soon as Aaron finished reading. 

Aaron stared at him. “What?”

Spencer turned and kissed him. “Can you drive me there before you go to work?”

“But why?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer frowned. “I’m not going to be ashamed of this,” he said. “They have every right to cut me loose, but they’re going to say it to my face.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Spencer was quiet for a long moment. Then he sighed and said, “I didn’t say I’m okay. I said I’m better. But not okay.”

Aaron kissed his forehead. “I have to get ready,” he said. “Leave in about twenty?”

Spencer nodded.   


* * *

When Aaron came back out, Spencer was still sitting at the counter. He turned around when he heard the door. He was biting his lip and glancing between Aaron and the floor. 

Aaron raised an eyebrow. “What?” he asked as he walked over, straightening his tie. 

“I…have an unusual request,” Spencer said. He leaned back, resting his elbows on the counter. 

“What’s that?” Aaron asked, leaning forward and kissing him. 

Spencer smiled into the kiss before turning his head and clearing his throat. “I want you to mark me,” he said. 

Aaron raised an eyebrow at him and touched a spot on Spencer’s shoulder that was hidden by the shirt, where he knew there was still a lingering bruise.

Spencer covered Aaron’s hand and then guided it up to his neck. He pressed Aaron’s fingers right below his pulse point. “Here.”

“People will see it there,” Aaron said. 

“Exactly,” Spencer said. He looked to the side, clearing his throat.

It took Aaron a moment. “You want people to see my mark?”

Spencer nodded. “I…I know it’s strange,” he said, his voice getting quieter. “But…I have to talk with McReynolds, and…the idea of having it, of him being able to see it, makes me feel stronger.” He glanced back. “Please don’t profile that.”

“Of course not,” Aaron said. He kissed him again. “You’re sure?”

Spencer nodded. 

Aaron knew that once Spencer was sure about something, he had no hesitation. So he leaned forward and kissed him once more and raised his hand up as he did, touching the indicated spot with his fingertips. Spencer tilted his head away, baring his neck completely to Aaron. Aaron made a low, pleased sound. They didn’t have very much time, but he couldn’t resist taking a moment to enjoy the trust in that movement. It still thrilled him and took his breath away. He pressed his lips to the younger man’s neck. “Spencer…” he murmured. “I…” He couldn’t think of the right words. 

“I know,” Spencer said. Aaron felt his fingers thread through his hair. He kissed, and then took the skin lightly between his teeth and sucked. 

Spencer hissed softly and tensed. The grip on Aaron’s hair tightened. 

Aaron didn’t stay there for very long, just long enough for him to know the skin would bruise. He pulled back and looked at the reddening mark. He kissed it once more and straightened. 

Spencer lifted his hand and touched the spot. He closed his eyes and Aaron watched as a brief look of peace came over his features. He kissed him, and wished so desperately that the peace could stay there, but he knew it would end. He drew away. 

Spencer opened his eyes. The stress stole back over his face. 

“Let’s go before I decide that taking you to bed is better than keeping my job,” Aaron said. 

That got Spencer to laugh, even if it was just a little. Aaron considered it a victory.

* * *

Aaron insisted on walking inside with Spencer, even though it was going to make him late. There were more people there than usual for a weekday, most of them sitting in the pews and praying. Father McReynolds was standing in the front talking to a few more. No one noticed them. 

And then Aaron heard a quiet, “Father Reid?”

They both turned to see a young woman.  _ Bethany _ , Aaron’s mind supplied. A girl who talked to Spencer often.

Spencer smiled at her as bravely as he could, and Aaron could tell he was terrified of what he was about to hear from someone he obviously cared about. 

“I hoped I’d see you,” she said. “I just want you to know, I don’t care. I think love is beautiful, no matter what it looks like, and there’s no way it could be evil. I hope you find a more accepting church, I know they’re out there.”

“Thank you,” Spencer murmured, and he looked comforted. He turned to Aaron. “Why don’t you go to work?” he said. “I’d like to do this alone.”

Aaron didn’t like it, but he understood. “I’ll see you tonight?”

Spencer nodded, then hesitated, and then kissed Aaron softly on the lips. A thrill went through Aaron at the open touch, but he managed to keep his face calm as he left. 

* * *

“Come in,” Aaron said automatically to the knock on his office door. He didn’t even look up until he heard a very familiar throat-clearing. His head shot up. 

Spencer was standing there, smiling patiently at him. He looked tired. 

Aaron rose and walked around his desk and fought the desire to hug him because there was a clear shot down the hallway to Garcia’s open office door. Instead he opted for reaching out and squeezing his arm. “How did it go?” he asked. 

Spencer’s eyes moved to the side. “I’m an unrepentant sinner and my soul is damned until I forsake my immoral desires and say about a thousand Hail Marys.” He paused. “For every time we’ve kissed. Maybe a million more for every time we’ve had sex. He was a little exaggerative. And I don’t have a job anymore,” he added. “Or won’t, as soon as the Archbishop says so.”

Aaron sighed. “I’m so sorry,” he said. 

“We knew this could happen,” Spencer said, and shrugged. The gesture looking forced. “Actually I came to tell you, I’m going to go see my mom, for a few days.”

Aaron’s heart sunk but he managed to keep his face neutral. This would be good for Spencer. Spencer was more important right now.

“I have to get out of this city,” Spencer said, softer. He looked back up. “I found a flight that leaves in four hours, so I need to catch the bus soon. But I—I wanted to see you first.”

Aaron nodded. He understood. 

Spencer bit his lip. “Can we close the door?”

Aaron didn’t need to ask him why. He snapped the blinds shut with a deft flick of his wrist and Spencer took a step to the side so he could close the door and flip the lock. It looked unprofessional. He didn’t care. He turned to his lover and cupped his face and leaned in, brushing their lips together. 

“I’m going to miss you,” he whispered. 

Spencer pressed forward and the kiss became soft and warm. Aaron sank into it, relishing the way Spencer’s tongue drew over his lip, the way he tasted, the way he smelled, the way his body was firm and steady against him. Every time they tried to stop, one of them drew the other back in. 

“I love you,” Spencer murmured against Aaron’s lips.

Aaron echoed him and then hugged him tightly. “Be safe,” he said. 

Spencer leaned back and quirked a smile at him. “I’m supposed to say that,” he said. He stepped away, reluctantly, and put his hand on the doorknob. “Call me if you get a case?” he asked. “Though I guess it’s more like ‘when.’”

“I will,” Aaron promised, and then Spencer opened the door and he stepped out and Aaron was watching his lover walk away. As soon as he disappeared from sight, Aaron looked down. He could feel the eyes of everyone in his team on him from the bullpen so he retreated back into his office, opened the blinds again, and left the door open. 

Rossi was there moments later. 

“Please not now,” Aaron said. 

“I was just going to ask how you are,” Rossi said. Aaron looked at him and he held out his hands. “Honest.”

“I’m fine,” Aaron said. “I’m not the one who just lost his job.”

Rossi nodded. “How’s he handling it?”

“I think he was prepared for it, in some ways,” Aaron said. “Last night was hard.” He glanced up in time to see Rossi struggling against pointing out the obvious innuendo. The older profiler opted for clearing his throat instead.

“That’s good,” he finally said. 

Aaron smirked. “You must really be worried about me if you passed that one up,” he said. 

Rossi scoffed. “I passed it up because its simplicity was beneath me,” he said. 

“Right,” Aaron said, drawing the word out sarcastically. “Kind of like how all those ‘bishop’ jokes were beneath you, too?”

“Touché,” Rossi said. 

* * *

Less than an hour later, Aaron found himself sitting in the conference room listening as JJ explained the arrest and claims of William Hightower, who said he had killed ten people and hidden the bodies in Canada and would only talk to the FBI. 

Aaron sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose when the team finally all looked to him for a decision. This was the way life would have it, he thought. The last thing he wanted right now was a case. Especially one that was taking him to Canada. Still…

“It’s too many bodies to take chances,” he said, looking back up. “Grab your bags.”

* * *

Aaron called Spencer from the Detroit police station as soon as he could slip away to somewhere private. 

“Have a case?” Spencer guessed as he answered. 

“Yeah,” Aaron said.

“Where are you?”

“Detroit,” Aaron said. “Canada, soon, if we can convince them that’s something really is happening.”

He heard Spencer sigh. “I don’t have to tell you to be careful,” he said. 

“No, you don’t,” Aaron said. “I will be. How’s your mother?”

There was a pause. “She recognized me long enough to ask what happened to my face, but now she thinks I’m a student who needs help in class.”

“I’m sorry,” Aaron said. “Does that usually last long?”

“Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. Mostly it only lasts the day, and then the next day the chances are the same for being recognized or not.”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Spencer said. “It’s really good to see her. I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Aaron said. “I mean, I always miss you when I’m away, but it feels different with you not at home.”

“I know what you mean,” Spencer said, and Aaron could hear the smile. “So…listen, I had an idea I wanted to ask you about.”

“What’s that?” Aaron asked as he peered through the blinds at his team. They were still talking to Hightower. 

“When we’re both back, I was thinking we could…you know…” He cleared his throat. “Get dinner or something.”

“Get dinner?”

“Yeah!” Spencer said. His voice raised in pitch the way it did when he was either excited or nervous. “Since we don’t have to worry about anyone finding out, we could actually go out to dinner together, and hold hands and not care if anyone sees us and share a dessert, and then see a movie, only not a movie because I don’t think either of us really like movies, maybe a museum…”

Aaron couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “Are you asking me out on a date?” he asked, unable to keep the soft laugh out of his voice. 

“In a manner of speaking, if you’re using a standard definition of a date, but if you’re using it in a colloquial sense—”

“Spencer.”

“Yes. I am asking you out on a date.”

“I accept,” Aaron said. Then he chuckled. “I feel like I’m twelve.”

“I graduated from high school when I was twelve,” Spencer said. 

Aaron rolled his eyes. As he did, he noticed Rossi looking his way with a raised eyebrow. He nodded in response. “I know you did,” he said. His voice slipped back into a more professional tone. “I have to go.”

“Okay. Be safe.”

“I will be,” Aaron promised. “I love you.” Saying it still gave him butterflies. 

“I love you too. Bye.”

Aaron closed the phone, sighed, closed his eyes for a moment while he took the mental step over to Agent Hotchner, and rejoined his team. He wanted to end this case as soon as possible.


	13. Chapter 13

The case didn’t last long, not even a week, but Aaron knew flying back that they were all completely exhausted. Even Rossi, who usually managed to bounce back faster than all of them, looked beaten down and Prentiss, the headstrong, stubborn, compartmentalizing Prentiss stared dejectedly out the window. 

Aaron remembered too late that Spencer wasn’t going to be home when he got there and that crushed him into the ground just a little bit more, and then he was angry with himself for being greedy. Spencer needed this time with his mother, needed time to collect his thoughts away from the man who had cost him something dear. So Aaron drove home to an empty apartment, set his gun on the table, and went right for the scotch. 

He heard the faint shuffle behind him coming from the bedroom and for a moment, his heart soared, because Spencer was home, and then instinct quickly abolished his joy and replaced it with something sickening. He knew he didn’t want to see what was there, but he turned around all the same.

Foyet stood there in his mask. He leveled a gun at Aaron and cocked it. “You should have made a deal,” he said, and fired.   


* * *

It must have been because he was so goddamn tired from the pig farm, but Aaron went down far too easily and Foyet pulled off the mask, holding the knife under his chin. 

“Hello, Agent Hotchner,” he said. 

Aaron forced himself to keep his eyes open. He was not going to look away from this. If Foyet was going to kill him, he was going to have to look right into Aaron’s eyes while he did it, and he would see someone who was not afraid of him. 

“Long time no see,” Foyet said conversationally. “I saw your picture in the paper and I thought I’d drop in and congratulate you.”

Aaron narrowed his eyes. 

“I never would have guessed it, actually,” Foyet said. “The great and noble Aaron Hotchner bedding a sweet, innocent priest. Did he consent? Did he like it?”

Aaron clenched his jaw. He was not going to give Foyet the satisfaction of a reply. 

“Well, no matter,” Foyet said when it became apparent that Aaron wasn’t going to give him anything in response. He masked his disappointment well. “This is  _ our _ moment, anyway. Let’s not spoil it by thinking about the other man, hm? Where is he, anyway?”

“Are you going to kill me or waste all our time together talking?” 

“I couldn’t do that to your boy,” Foyet said. “No, you and me, we’re going to have some fun.”

After that, the pain began, and the memories became clouded. The only thing sharp about them was the edge of the knife sliding into his body and Foyet’s voice slipping into his ears. 

“Tell me, Aaron, do you like feeling me slide inside you?”

The agonizing, slow pull of the knife, twisting. 

The blade traced over his skin and Foyet selected a new spot. 

“I believe profilers see the act of stabbing someone as a sign of impotence, is that correct?” The knife started sliding in. “So the knife is like a substitution for a cock…I guess that means you like this? Is it this nice when he pushes in?”

Torturous pain, centered and throbbing around the metal, and streaming out hotly into his body.

_ Don’t make a sound, don’t make a sound— _

“Or are you the one who does the fucking, pretty little thing that he is?”

His teeth ground inside his head and he couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not. 

The pain stretched on past Aaron’s awareness of time. Foyet was cruel and delicate enough to keep him gripped to consciousness, torn from the relief of blacking out over and over. He remembered Foyet showing off his own scars, the revulsion that swam over him. 

The last thing Aaron remembered was Foyet moving down his body and crouching in front of him. “Your boy might be jealous…so why don’t I leave him a present to find?” 

Bile rose up in Aaron’s throat when he realized what was about to happen. 

“Maybe this will change the way you profile…”

And then his existence exploded in agony before fading completely. 

* * *

He had dim memories of opening his eyes to a white room and seeing shapes moving about over him. He tried to speak and found there was something in his throat. He tried to raise his hand to shoo away the annoying beeping from beside his head and he couldn’t move. Why couldn’t he move? And why did it  _ hurt? _

Then he felt a sharp prick and everything faded again.

* * *

The first thing Aaron saw when he opened his eyes was Prentiss’s back. 

“Emily,” he rasped. 

Prentiss turned around. Rossi, JJ, and Morgan appeared next to her. 

“Hey, Hotch,” Prentiss said gently. “How do you feel?”

“Foyet,” Aaron said, clenching his eyes shut.  _ Where am I? _ He tried to keep his breathing steady. “Foyet was in my house—”

“Shh,” Prentiss soothed, taking his hand. “You’re in a hospital, you’re going to be alright.”

Aaron nodded. He had so many questions, but his throat was so dry…he settled for the one that burning at the forefront of his mind. “What did he take?”

“We don’t know,” Prentiss admitted. 

“What did he leave?”

“He left you with Morgan’s credentials at the hospital.”

A doctor appeared and informed the team that they needed to leave so Aaron could rest. The team quietly agreed and Prentiss and JJ squeezed his hands. Rossi and Morgan nodded to him and then they were gone and Aaron was listening to someone gently tell him about the damage done to his body. 

One wound in particular made Aaron nauseous. 

_ “Why don’t I leave a present for him to find?” _

He slipped out of consciousness shortly after that. 

_ Spencer. _

* * *

“There you are.” 

Aaron frowned and looked in the direction of the voice. Rossi was sitting there with one leg crossed over the opposite knee, holding a magazine in his lap. 

“You’ve been asleep for a long time,” Rossi said. “Feel better?”

“No,” Aaron said. “Can I have water?”

Rossi poured him a glass and helped him drink. 

“You probably have questions,” Rossi said. 

Aaron nodded. 

“Ask whatever you need to.” 

So Aaron did, and Rossi answered everything, explaining in gentle, brutal detail exactly what had happened and what they knew. Foyet had brought him to the hospital with Morgan’s credentials and they had no idea what he’d taken from Aaron’s apartment. Nothing seemed out of place and there was no useful physical evidence. They didn’t know how he’d gotten in, and they didn’t know where he was now. 

“Has anyone called Spencer?” Aaron asked. 

“Not yet,” Rossi said. “We wanted—”

“Don’t call,” Aaron said. 

Rossi straightened. “What?”

“He’s visiting his mother.”

“Don’t be an ass, Aaron, he’ll want to be with you.”

“He’ll find out when he gets back, let him be.”

Rossi raised an eyebrow at him. “If--and this is a wildly hypothetical, completely ridiculous if--if you were  _ my _ lover and you didn’t let me know about something like this, I would slap you when I got back.”

“Then thank god you’re not my lover,” Aaron muttered. He craved Spencer’s presence right now more than anything. But he couldn’t bring himself to call him away. 

“Aaron Hotchner, I am not going to let you make a stubborn fool out of yourself,” Rossi said. “You’re still in shock, but what do you think happens with this hits you and you’re alone?”

That made Aaron pause. It was true that he felt very little right now, but that wasn’t going to last forever. “Fine,” he whispered. “Number’s in my phone.”

Rossi had apparently already found it. He opened his phone.

“Does Haley know?”

Rossi paused. “She knows,” he said. “She’s bringing Jack.”

Aaron let out a slow breath and closed his eyes.

Rossi went out into the hallway to talk and Aaron could faintly hear the tone of his voice, very kind and careful as he informed Spencer of what happened. 

“He’ll be here as soon as he can,” Rossi said as he reentered the room. 

Aaron barely heard him. The need for sleep was overwhelming him again. 

* * *

The next time he woke up, Aaron found himself alone in the room. He clenched his firsts and winced as the first thing he felt was awful, throbbing pain, coming from all over. A nurse appeared shortly after that and checked him over, asked him how he felt, and left quickly after he snapped at her. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep again. That was easier. 

“Aaron?”

Aaron opened his eyes. Haley was standing in the doorway, holding Jack. Jack had his arms around Haley’s neck and his eyes were huge as he looked at his father. Aaron sat up. As much as it hurt, he sat up, because this was his son, and he still needed to be his son’s hero. 

“Rossi called, he said…” Haley took a step forward. She cleared her throat. “God, I’m so sorry, Aaron. Are you going to be okay?”

Aaron nodded. 

Haley came over and sat down. She held Jack in her lap. “Do you want to give daddy your picture?” she asked gently. 

Jack shook his head and buried his face in Haley’s blouse. She sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I think this scares him.” She leaned over and reached into her purse and pulled something out. “He drew this for you.”

Aaron took the paper and unfolded it. It was him, smiling, wrapped up by something and surrounded by a rainbow and a sun in the sky. 

“It’s a bandaid,” Haley offered, smiling through her sudden tears. 

“Thank you, Jack,” Aaron said. 

“Um…listen,” Haley said. “I’m sorry, for what I said on the phone. I’m just…I’m not sure how to deal with all of this, and I just want to keep Jack safe…”

“I should have asked you,” Aaron said. He didn’t want to fight. “I promise we’ll talk, as soon as I can leave.” 

Haley smiled gratefully. She reached out and curled one of her hands around Aaron’s. He squeezed back gratefully. 

“I saw the picture,” she said. “The one on the news.”

Aaron nodded. 

Haley cleared her throat. “...Where is he?”

“He was visiting his mother,” Aaron said. “He’s coming back now.”

“I’m glad,” Haley said. “He’ll be able to take care of you.”

Aaron’s stomach clenched and he nodded. 

“Jack says you’re happier,” Haley said. “When Spencer is there.”

Aaron blinked quickly to keep his eyes clear. “I am,” he said, looking away. 

“We should go,” Haley said. “Jack? Say goodbye, okay?”

Jack finally turned around. He was crying. Aaron lifted his hand up to his son’s face. “What’s wrong, buddy?”

“I don’t like it here,” Jack said. “I want you to get better.”

“I will,” Aaron promised. He took Jack’s hand. “But I need you to be brave for me, okay? Do you think you can do that?”

Jack nodded and Haley instructed him to kiss Aaron on the cheek. She kissed the corner of his mouth, and then they were gone. 

Aaron watched them disappear around a corner and closed his eyes. 

* * *

Aaron was sleeping—dreaming—when something gripped his mind.  _ Important _ , he realized, and tried to hold onto it. But he couldn’t escape the dream he was in no matter how hard he tried. He needed to place whatever it was he was sensing, because he knew that it was important beyond anything else, and that would pull him awake. 

It was a sound, he finally realized, and with that knowledge, he was able to follow it back up to the world of consciousness. There.  _ There. _

Spencer’s voice. 

Aaron woke up with a gasp and then winced as the pain slammed back into him. He tried to say something but his throat was too dry. He forced his eyes open and looked. 

Spencer was standing on the other side of the window to his room. Aaron was looking at his profile. He had a hand to his mouth and his eyes were clenched shut and he was nodding. 

Then a hand came up and settled on Spencer’s shoulder and Rossi stepped into view. He was talking, keeping his eyes on Spencer’s face.

Spencer nodded again and asked something. Aaron could hear the timbre of his voice but he couldn’t make out the words. 

Rossi answered, glancing towards Aaron. When he saw he was awake, he stopped. 

Spencer turned. He met Aaron’s eyes, and then he was moving through the door to Aaron’s side. He stopped, and he looked terrified.

“I…” he said, searching for words. He swallowed. “How do you feel?”

Aaron reached out and took his hand and brought it to his lips. He almost sobbed in relief to just be able to touch this man, feel the warmth of his skin. Only Rossi’s presence at the foot of his bed stopped him. 

Spencer looked up at Rossi, looking worried that Aaron didn’t answer. Rossi nodded reassuringly and Spencer turned back. He lifted his free hand and pressed it to Aaron’s forehead, smoothing his hair back. 

“He’ll probably need water,” Rossi offered quietly. “I’m heading home, but call me if you need anything, okay?”

Spencer nodded. “Thank you,” he said. He turned back to Aaron as soon as Rossi was gone. “I need my hand,” he said, apologetically. 

Aaron let go and Spencer poured water into the plastic cup by his bed. He held it out, but didn’t let Aaron take it. Instead, he guided it to his lips. Aaron covered Spencer’s hand and drank. Spencer set the cup aside when Aaron declined more with a brief shake of his head and pulled the chair over. He sat down and took Aaron’s hands in his and squeezed. The grip was almost painful. He was staring at Aaron’s chest. 

“You’re doing a good job of pretending like you’re okay,” Aaron finally said. His voice was hoarse. He cleared his throat. 

Spencer’s jaw clenched. He took a deep breath through his nose. “I’m—I’m not supposed to be the one who isn’t okay,” he finally said. His voice was dangerously close to breaking and so was his composure. “Are you…”

Aaron looked at him sadly. “What did Dave tell you?”

“I think everything,” Spencer whispered. 

Aaron nodded. Rossi was a good friend. He’d know that Aaron wouldn’t want to talk about it, not yet, not in such a procedural way. Spencer knew what he had to. Knew about all the wounds that Rossi knew about. Didn’t know about the one that he hadn’t spoken of yet.

“Oh god,” Spencer suddenly said. “I can’t—” He lifted one of his hands to his mouth, pressing against it. He bent forward and his shoulders shook silently. “I’m so glad you’re alive,” he finally choked, once he had regained enough control to speak. “When Rossi called and said something had happened, oh god, I thought—” He took a harsh breath. “I’m sorry,” he said, and now his voice  _ was _ broken. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here—”

That made Aaron snap to attention. He squeezed the hand he still held. “No,” he said. “You don’t ever think that. He would have killed you.”

Spencer clenched his teeth and tried to wrench some amount of control back into his body. “Aaron—fuck—” He let out a short breath, brushing the tears from his cheeks ad glaring at his lap as he did. “I’m supposed to be the one who’s helping, not turning into a useless mess.”

“Right now, do whatever you have to,” Aaron said. “But—”

Spencer looked at him. 

Aaron swallowed. “I’m going to need you to be strong, later,” he said, and it tore at him to admit it. “You’ve read books about victims—”

“Do  _ not _ use that word,” Spencer said. 

“ _ Listen _ to me,” Aaron said. He took a deep breath and it made the wounds ache. “I can’t do this alone.”

Spencer nodded. He seemed to take strength from Aaron’s voice.

Aaron closed his eyes, suddenly exhausted. He felt Spencer’s hand press back to his forehead. “Tell me about your mother,” he said. 

There was a hesitation. “My mother?”

Aaron nodded. “I want to hear your voice. How was seeing her?”

Spencer answered. He brushed his fingers through Aaron’s hair while he spoke and squeezed his hand, keeping his voice steady and even. It was exactly what Aaron needed and it lulled him back into the dreamless sleep he was craving. 

* * *

“I want you to know,” Rossi said, mouth full of Jell-O, “That this is cheating and I still expect to be invited to dinner.”

“I’m starting to think that you have a bet riding on this,” Aaron said. “‘Who can get invited to Hotch’s for dinner to meet his new boyfriend first?’ kind of thing.”

“I most certainly do not,” Rossi said. “The bet was for who could figure out who you were sleeping with first. I won, but for obvious reasons couldn’t collect my payment.”

Spencer was sitting on the other side of the bed holding one of Aaron’s hands and flipping through a newspaper he had propped against the bed with the other. He’d barely moved from that spot for a few days, at least while he was allowed to stay in the room for public visiting hours. He hadn’t been able to tell what was missing from the apartment, either. He looked up from the paper. “You had a bet about that?”

“They make bets about everything,” Aaron said.

Spencer raised an eyebrow and turned back. 

“We had one for who he was sleeping with, too,” Rossi said. “But no one got that right.”

Aaron turned towards Spencer to see his reaction and caught a glimpse of the front page. He used their joined hands to push the newspaper up. 

Spencer noticed. “Oh, that,” he said, and closed the paper, holding it up for both Aaron and Rossi to see. “The Archbishop made a statement condemning my actions and officially, ah, removed me from my parish duties.”

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer’s smile looked tired. “Are you?”

Aaron didn’t have an answer.

“I’ll be right back,” Spencer said. He set the paper down, squeezed Aaron’s hand, and left. 

Aaron turned to Rossi. “Foyet is still out there.”

“We’ll catch him,” Rossi said. 

“Dave…he left me alive. He drove me to the hospital.”

“He’s a psychopath, you can’t take it personally.”

Aaron frowned. “You know that’s not… He gets off on power and watching people suffer, and I’m his focus. He had power over my life and death and made sure to keep it that way. And now I’m still alive and he can still make me suffer through other means.”

Rossi sighed. They both knew what Aaron was leaving unsaid. “There’s no way he doesn’t know.”

“He talked about him,” Aaron said, looking away. “He said—” He broke off. “God, the things he said…”

“You have to trust your team,” Rossi said. “We’ll find Foyet. We’ll get him.”

“We have to,” Aaron said. He looked at his friend. “Spencer isn’t an idiot. He has to have some idea…”

“If he’s as intuitive as you say he is…”

“Then I’ll know that Foyet could use me to manipulate and hurt Aaron?”

Aaron and Rossi both looked at the door. Spencer was leaning there.

“I had thought of it,” Spencer said, his gaze dropping to the floor. “And you don’t need to be a profiler to figure that out.”

“I should go,” Rossi said. He nodded his farewell to Aaron, said goodbye to Spencer, and walked past him out the door. 

Spencer closed the door behind him when he was gone and walked back over, sitting down. He took Aaron’s hands and looked right into his eyes. “What happens now?”

“I don’t know,” Aaron answered. He squeezed Spencer’s hands. “I want to go home.”

Spencer leaned forward and stroked Aaron’s hair. “They said you can leave in the morning if you stay stable.”

Aaron nodded. He would stay stable. Foyet was well-versed in anatomy and he wanted Aaron alive. He had more in store for him. He would have killed him if he didn’t. 

He was anxious to be home. He didn’t like it here in the hospital, didn’t like the people looking at him, didn’t like the constant beeping reminder of his own incapacitation. Most of all, he didn’t like not being truly alone with Spencer. 

But there was another reason he wanted to go home. He needed to find out what Foyet had taken. 

* * *

It felt like hours after he woke up the next morning, but Aaron’s attending doctor finally arrived with prescriptions for painkillers and instructions for recovery at home. 

“Do you have someone who is going to be with you who most of the time who can help?” she asked. 

“I’ll be there,” Spencer said. 

She nodded and handed the prescriptions to Aaron and began explaining what each one was for. She had a narcotic for the worst of the pain, an ibuprofen-based medicine to help with any swelling and for when he could stop the narcotics, a full course of antibiotics to take, and a topical antibiotic salve to keep the healing sites as clean and comfortable as possible. 

After the doctor finished describing those, how to change the bandages and when to remove them entirely, and stressing that Aaron needed to stay more or less still while he was healing, she paused. She tapped a finger on the back of her clipboard. “As for the…” She trailed off and looked at Aaron questioningly. 

Aaron closed his eyes. “Go ahead,” he said, deciding to take the easy way out. Easier for the doctor to say it. “He should know.” 

“As for the genital damage—”

“The  _ what? _ ” Spencer gasped. Aaron heard him turn. “He—what did he  _ do? _ ”

The question was directed at Aaron, not the doctor. “Stabbed me,” he answered. He opened his eyes and looked up. 

Spencer looked horrified. He looked the way Aaron thought he should be feeling, but he didn’t feel anything at all. 

“The damage was clean,” the doctor said, deciding to continue. “Actually all of your injuries were surprisingly clean, there weren’t any jagged tears. That will help with the scarring.” She cleared her throat and turned to Spencer. “He should avoid sexual activity for a while,” she said, having by now correctly guessed at their relationship. “It’s hard to say exactly what the long-term effects will be, but Mr. Hotchner was brought in very early, which isn’t always the case with these kinds of injuries, and that allowed us to repair the tissue right away. Tentatively, I think everything will heal back to normal, though there might be some loss in sensation. Still, all in all, things could have been much worse. I’d say you’re a very lucky man.”

Aaron felt sick then.

Spencer turned towards her. “Thank you, doctor,” he said, voice cold.

Her eyes widened, then she frowned, taking the hint, and left. 

“She doesn’t know better,” Spencer said as soon as the door was closed. 

Aaron swallowed heavily. “Lucky,” he said, his throat tight. He laughed shortly. “I wouldn’t call this lucky.”

Spencer kissed his forehead. “I’m so, so sorry,” he whispered, keeping their heads resting together. “We’ll get through this, okay? We’ll figure everything out.”

Aaron nodded. He looked past Spencer’s head towards the wall and didn’t speak for a long time. Finally he said, “She’s right, though, you know.”

“About what?”

“About me being lucky.”

Spencer raised his head. “What?”

“I’m lucky I found you,” Aaron said, simply.

“Aaron,” Spencer whispered. He stroked his fingers down the side of Aaron’s face. Aaron caught his hand and held it tightly, looking up into Spencer’s eyes. Tears were sliding silently down his cheeks. “What he did…”

Aaron looked away.

“I…” Spencer hesitated. “You didn’t tell me?”

Aaron heard the unspoken,  _ Why? _ “I didn’t know how,” he said. “I—”  _ I was ashamed. _

“Why did he…”

Aaron latched onto that. Safe, familiar, profiling question. “He gets off on control and making others suffer. He started out with short-term control, holding people at knifepoint for a few minutes before killing them. Then he made the deal with Shaunessy and probably discovered something new with long-term control and fear. He’s experimenting with me, with seeing how long and how intense he can make the pain.” He paused, took a breath to steady himself. “With this—this—” He stopped, struggling. 

“Injury,” Spencer said quietly. 

“Injury,” Aaron said, latching onto the word. “It’s emasculating, it’s a show of dominance, it’s a physical and a psychological wound that will last for…” He swallowed. 

Spencer kissed his forehead again and Aaron knew it was probably the only thing he could think of to do. But it was enough. For now, it was enough. 


	14. Chapter 14

Aaron was expecting to experience a lot of things when he got home, but sickening fear when he looked at the doorway to his bedroom was not one of them. He gripped the table for support and felt his heart rate speed up. He scanned the area. There was a square of new carpet that didn’t quite match the rest, but only because of the age differences.

“Who?” he asked, gesturing, because it was easier than anything else he was thinking about. 

“Dave and Emily came over and did the carpet,” Spencer said. He set Aaron’s go bag down and walked over to the spot. He touched the wall. “Dave caulked over the hole and got the right paint from the complex.” He turned around and gestured towards the kitchen. “Garcia left frozen meals and JJ brought the flowers. Morgan installed the alarm and got the complex to change the lock.”

“The alarm?” Aaron asked, and went back over to the door to look. 

“If anyone opens it without keying in the correct code within thirty seconds, it sends a call out to local police  _ and _ Garcia’s cell.”

Good, Aaron thought. He could just picture himself explaining to a very worried and frantic Garcia that he’d just forgotten what the code was. That was exactly what he needed.

Spencer saw the look on his face. “They’re just trying to help,” he said quietly. 

“I know,” Aaron said. By all accounts, he should be grateful, touched,  _ anything _ but angry at the idea of anyone but Spencer and him in their home. 

_ How did he get in? _ Aaron wondered. There had been no sign of forced entry.

That reminded him of the other thing he needed to know. 

_ What did he take? _

“You still haven’t noticed anything missing?”

“I told you, I—”

“ _ Nothing? _ ”

“Isn’t it possible that he—”

“ _ Something _ is missing,” Aaron snapped, going to stand in front of the couch. He started scanning the room. 

Spencer followed slowly. “It was a different MO, couldn’t something else have changed?”

“Not this,” Aaron said. Nothing jumped out at him. He found himself staring at the doorway to the bedroom again and his gaze dropped to the carpet. No blood stains now, but they’d been there. He’d felt them growing. The blood had soaked his shirt and cooled and the overwhelming sensation from the memory, the one that rivaled even the staggering pain, was the  _ cold _ . 

_ —Fingers and toes that had gone numb long ago, giving up their blood to save the center of his body and cold, cold blood against his skin. It pooled beneath him on the floor and the carpet became wet and sticky and he could feel it seeping down into the wood, wondered briefly if it would be the way they found him, when the downstairs neighbors noticed the stain coming through, if anyone would notice the stain coming through, and he knew that beneath that fresh new carpet, right below, there would be— _

A touch to his hand made him jerk away and raise his arm, sending the other one to his hip to rest on his gun, the one he’d insisted on wearing for the trip home.

“Aaron!”

The startled cry yanked him back to clarity and Aaron stared at Spencer, who was cringing, eyes flicking between his hand on his gun and his face.

Aaron turned away and raised his hand to his face, fingers shaking. Spencer caught the other one. Aaron flinched. 

_ “No, you and me, we’re going to have some fun.” _

“Spencer,” he said hoarsely. 

“You need to lie down,” Spencer said. 

“No, I have to find—”

“ _ No _ , you don’t. If I haven’t found it yet, you won’t either.  _ Please _ .”

Only a small, small voice of reason won out in Aaron’s head. Spencer’s memory was powerful. He had doubtlessly searched every inch of the place. Aaron wouldn’t fare any better right now. So he allowed himself to be led towards the bedroom, but he stopped when he saw something on the table. He went to it and picked it up. It was a newspaper article that had been cut out and set there carefully. It had his face and the title, “FBI Agent Attacked In His Home.”

He heard Spencer gasp. “I’m so sorry!” Spencer said. “I didn’t want you to see that, I didn’t leave that, it must have been—”

“Dave,” Aaron said. “He left this.”

“I’m so sorry,” Spencer repeated. “I didn’t notice it or I would have—”

“It’s okay,” Aaron said. “This is important.”

“Why?”

“It’s important to know exactly what Foyet knows, see every way he’s getting something out of this. It helps with predicting what he’ll do.”

“Surely you aren’t working this case,” Spencer said. 

“Of course I will be,” Aaron said. 

“Isn’t that a massive conflict of interest?”

Aaron shrugged. “Even if it is.” He was reading the article. The description was starting to make him feel lightheaded. It was too soon, even reading it was making him feel that knife—

Spencer noticed the reaction and took the article away. “Come on,” he said, and continued leading Aaron away. But when Aaron reached the new square of carpet, he halted. 

“It’s just carpet,” Spencer said quietly. “You’re safe right now.”

Aaron nodded, took a deep breath, and stepped forward. The ground tipped beneath him for a moment and then Spencer’s hand on his shoulder grounded him and his chest heaved with a harsh gasp. His heart was pounding, his instincts screaming at him to  _ run, run— _

He took another step. Spencer stayed next to him the entire time as it took him almost a minute to cross the small space. 

He expected relief in the bedroom, but all he found was more dread, more revulsion. Foyet had hid in here and waited. He felt a breeze. He looked up. 

The window was open. There was a fan going. 

“I’ve been airing it out,” Spencer said. 

Aaron looked at him, and then at the bed. 

“New sheets,” Spencer said. “The only person who’s touched them is me.”

Aaron nodded and let Spencer guide him to the bed. He kicked off his shoes and pulled off his holster and set it on the nightstand. Spencer tried to help him undress but Aaron flinched away, so he turned the covers down instead. When Aaron was down to his boxers and undershirt, he crawled in carefully, moving slowly to accommodate the stitches. Only when his head touched the pillow did he felt exhaustion settle over him. Spencer sat on the edge of the mattress next to him and pulled the covers up. He held Aaron’s hand, rubbing his thumb over the back. 

“Stay with me?” Aaron said. 

Spencer paused, then nodded, and crawled in on the other side.

They couldn’t hold each other the way Aaron craved, not yet, so they held hands instead, their arms touching and Spencer’s head close to his. He wanted to say something but he could feel the narcotics pulling at his mind, urging him to close his eyes, and the way Spencer was rubbing his hand, finally lulled him to sleep. 

* * *

He woke up alone with the feeling that he had been out for a long time and he felt more awake than he had since first opening his eyes in the hospital bed. He took a few minutes to blink the sleep away from his eyes. He knew he didn’t want to be in a bed anymore so he sat up and carefully swung his feet over the bed to the ground. He stopped there and winced, then gritted his teeth and stood up. The door was closed. He carefully pushed it open and stepped out. 

The room felt warm and smelled fresh. The radio was playing softly and Spencer was standing in front of the stove stirring something. Aaron held his arm around his stomach and looked at the carpet before looking back at Spencer. He wanted that man more than he wanted to avoid the hidden bloodstain so he took one step, then another, and suddenly he was past the square and walking to him. 

Spencer heard the steps and turned around. “Hey,” he said. “How do you feel? You were asleep for a long time.”

“How long?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer stirred the pan once more, turned the heat down, and closed the distance between them, reaching out. Aaron lifted his hand in response, and then a sudden wariness went through him and he drew it back and turned his head. His heart was pounding. He felt Spencer stop, heard him draw back. 

“We left the hospital yesterday,” Spencer said after a moment of hesitation. “I thought you’d wake up when the painkillers wore off.”

“Speaking of,” Aaron said, wincing. 

“Here,” Spencer said, and Aaron looked back in time to see him pull the bottle out of his pocket. He handed it over, staying an arm’s length away. 

Aaron let their fingers brush as he took it and read the instructions. He sighed. “Side effects drowsiness.”

“You could try the ibuprofen,” Spencer said. “See if just that’s enough.”

Aaron nodded and went to get it and Spencer turned back to the stove. 

After Aaron had taken the prescribed dosage and the antibiotic he closed his eyes. He could hear Spencer moving in the kitchen and more than anything he wanted to walk up to him, carefully press against him, but that moment when he’d tried—

His pulse was still too fast. He turned around and made himself walk over. “What are you making?” he asked. 

“Oh,” Spencer said. “Mint syrup, with some basil.” 

Aaron stood at his side, close enough to touch but not doing so. 

Spencer glanced up and smiled hopefully. “It’s good in tea,” he said. 

Aaron took a deep breath and covered Spencer’s free hand with his own. Spencer turned his wrist and linked their fingers together. 

“Do you want to talk?” Spencer asked. 

“No,” Aaron said, because what was there to talk about except what had happened, and he didn’t want to think about that. 

“Aaron…”

“I’m okay,” Aaron said. He let go of Spencer’s hand.

Spencer tried to reach out again but Aaron took a step away.

Spencer turned the stove off and moved the pan to the side. He grabbed Aaron’s hand and pulled him until he could face him directly. “You don’t need to do this,” he said.

Aaron looked away. “Do what?”

“Distance yourself.”

“I’m not,” Aaron said defensively. 

Spencer leaned in and Aaron immediately stepped back. When he saw the look on Spencer’s face, his shoulders slumped and he covered his eyes. He heard Spencer sigh. 

“I’m not going to leave you,” Spencer said softly. 

Aaron shuddered when the words hit too close to the fear that was lurking in the back of his mind.

“ _ Why _ would I leave?” Spencer asked. 

“What do I have left to offer you?” Aaron asked. 

“What do you—” Spencer began, sounding aghast. “How can you even  _ ask _ me that?”

“I—”

“Look at me.”

Aaron didn’t move. 

“Aaron,  _ look at me. _ ” When Aaron still didn’t move, Spencer grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand down and turned his face. “You are the  _ only _ person in the world who has ever loved me like this for exactly what I am. I’m not going to leave you.”

Aaron looked into Spencer’s eyes. They were determined, fierce, and steady. He cleared his throat. “I’ll try,” he said. It was all he could give right now. 

Spencer’s eyes softened. “I’m here for you,” he said. 

Aaron nodded. 

“It’ll get better,” Spencer said. 

“Yeah,” Aaron said. 

“Tell me what I can do?”

Aaron tried to smile. “Tea sounds amazing,” he said. 

Spencer looked relieved to have a task to do so he set off to start on it while Aaron walked carefully to the couch and sat down. Every movement was slow and deliberate and performed with the utmost care, because he was afraid that with every stretch, he was going to pull the wounds open again. They were healing as much as they could, but they were nowhere near closed. And they  _ hurt _ . 

Spencer joined him with tea and they sat together in silence for a long time while Aaron sipped at it. 

“Do you remember that night here? With the fortune cookies?” Spencer asked suddenly.

Aaron smiled despite himself. “Otherwise known as the most frustrating night of my life,” he said. 

“Surely not  _ the _ most frustrating,” Spencer said.

Aaron looked at him. “I assure you,” he said. “ _ The _ most frustrating.”

Spencer’s smile was embarrassed and pleased. “We’ll finish that, someday,” he said.

Aaron just nodded. He wished he could say that with the same confidence. But what would happen if he never…

No matter what Spencer said, Aaron couldn’t imagine that he would want to stay with a broken man. Much less a broken, scarred man who had a serial killer interested in making his life miserable. 

Maybe it would be better for Spencer if he…

Aaron tried to shake the thought away, but he couldn’t bury it completely. 

Maybe…

* * *

Spencer helped him wash his hair in the sink later that night. Aaron relaxed under the feeling of long fingers gently rubbing his scalp and it was almost enough to make him drift off, but not quite. There was one more task that had yet to be done tonight. The bandages had to be changed and the salve had to be applied. 

Aaron sat on the toilet in sweatpants pulled down to his hips to expose the injuries on his chest. He hadn’t been able to look at himself in a mirror, but looking down at his body was easier. The wounds were ugly and red with black stitches, but neat, carefully placed, even in size, and straight. Aaron repressed the gut reaction to close his eyes and made himself get used to the sight.

Spencer approached with the bottle of salve and a damp washcloth. He knelt in front of Aaron and carefully dabbed each wound. Aaron gritted his teeth and closed his eyes against the pain. It wasn’t as bad as it had been, he could take this. 

But then he felt Spencer’s fingers on his waistband and his eyes shot open and he grabbed his wrist. 

Spencer looked up at him. “You need—”

“I’ll do it myself,” Aaron said. 

“Let me help you—”

“I said I’ll do it myself!”

Spencer drew away. “I don’t care, I just…”

“Well I do. So get out and let me.”

Something unfamiliar flashed through Spencer’s wide eyes, but he nodded, handed Aaron the washcloth, and left. 

Aaron waited until the door had closed and then let out a shaky breath. He pulled his pants down and looked at himself. 

Stiches. Goddamn  _ stiches. _

What if he never healed, not completely? What if he never felt again, could never please Spencer again, never heard his lover crying out in his arms again--

Aaron felt tears welling up in his eyes and he quickly washed himself, trying as much as possible not to look, and stopped that train of thought. He would find out those answers eventually, but right now, worrying wouldn’t do him good. 

He told himself that he was just waiting until the right time to cross that bridge. 

Even if he knew, in the back of his mind, that he never really planned to. Because he didn’t think he could bear it if he found out he was never able to love Spencer again.

When he crawled into bed and turned out the light, he allowed Spencer to press against his side, to put a hand over his arm, but he didn’t react. All he wanted to do was roll over and push him into the mattress and kiss him and take him into his mouth, but he stayed still. 

“Aaron?”

Aaron swallowed until he felt his throat was clear enough to speak. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Aaron closed his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek against a sob. “Yeah.”

* * *

The searching began the next morning. Spencer sat quietly at the table. He obviously knew there was nothing he could do to stop Aaron from this search and until he was allowed to look to his satisfaction, he was going to be on edge. 

Aaron started in the bathroom. He took everything out of the medicine cabinet, catalogued what was there, made a note in the back of his mind that it would be very easy to take an old bottle without anyone noticing. 

But Foyet liked things to be noticed. So whatever it was, it was obvious, right under their noses, and they just weren’t realizing it. He put the bottles away. He checked razors, shampoo, soap, towels, cleaning supplies under the sink. Nothing.

Next was the bedroom. He moved methodically through the closet, counting the shirts and ties. The drawers were next—socks, underwear, pants, undershirts, all neatly in place and nothing looked out of order. 

After he’d examined every corner of the main bedroom he moved to Jack’s. It shared a door with the bathroom that Aaron kept locked when Jack wasn’t there and he noted with a hint of relief that it was still locked. Not because it meant Foyet hadn’t been in there, which he almost certainly had, but because it meant Foyet wasn’t trying to tell him something. Nothing looked out of place, but Aaron still went through everything he could think of. Toy chest, closet, desk, crayons, bed, under the bed, posters… nothing jumped out at him. He had to lean against the wall for a moment, blinking quickly. He’d been most scared to search this space, and the relief was enough to wind him. 

When he felt steady again he went into the living room and he could feel Spencer watching him as he scanned the walls. All the artwork he had was there. The DVD holder was still full, the blinds were present… Aaron scowled and turned on the couch and tore the cushions off, looking for—he didn’t know what. Anything out of place.

Nothing.

He prowled around the room, touching everything in sight, searching for anything that looked out of place, new,  _ different… _

His search took him to the kitchen and that room took much longer than any of the others. Every spice jar, every cereal box, every can of food was pulled out of the cupboards and laid out and inspected. By the time Aaron had finished putting all of those away and started on the dishes, Spencer had risen and walked over. 

“He took  _ something _ ,” Aaron growled before Spencer could even speak. 

“I know,” Spencer said. “I wanted to see if I can help.”

“You’ve already looked,” Aaron said, digging through a drawer.

Spencer nodded. 

“Foyet likes to have an impact,” Aaron said. “He would have taken something obvious.”

“We’ve probably seen whatever it is already,” Spencer said. 

Aaron stopped and looked at him. 

“The way the brain absorbs visual information is far less accurate than most people think,” Spencer said. “Because the brain itself tricks you into thinking that you’re aware of everything around you. But that would be too much information to be processing all at once all the time, so we work more on templates, filling in individual details as we come across and use them.”

“So?”

“So,” Spencer said, “We aren’t going to realize what’s gone by looking at what’s here. We’ll realize what’s gone when we go to use that thing specifically.”

Aaron huffed. Then he winced. 

Spencer was there immediately, hand on his back. “You’ve been moving around more than you should.”

“I have to finish,” Aaron said. 

“I know,” Spencer said. “But let me help.”

Aaron nodded. 

So Spencer helped him go through everything in the kitchen, piece by piece, inspecting every cookbook for missing pages, checking every box in the pantry for missing food. 

Nothing. 

They found  _ nothing. _

Aaron would have started the entire search over again, if Spencer hadn’t stepped in and stopped him. But even as he sat on the couch, his gaze never stopped roaming. 

What was he missing?

* * *

Haley called Aaron the next morning. 

“He’s been asking to see you,” she said. “I know the visit isn’t scheduled for another week, but, in light of everything…”

Aaron held his breath, too scared to speak in case she changed her mind. 

“Can we come over? And you and I can talk?”

“Of course,” Aaron said. 

“Will, um, will Spencer be there?”

Aaron frowned. “Yes,” he said. “And I’m not going to make him leave.”

There was a pause. “I’d…feel more comfortable if he didn’t hear our conversation.”

“He can play with Jack in his room.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Do you really want Jack hearing our conversation, either?”

“No,” she said, then sighed. “I’ll be there in about half an hour.”

“We’ll see you then,” Aaron said. 

Spencer came out of the bedroom as Aaron hung up. “Haley?” he guessed. 

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “We’re going to talk.”

“Now?”

Aaron sighed. “When else?”

Spencer nodded. 

“Can you watch Jack for us?”

Spencer smiled but looked a little uncertain. “She’ll let me?”

“She isn’t going to have much of a choice once he drags you away.”

* * *

True to his prediction, as soon as Jack had hugged his leg, the boy looked around for Spencer and ran to him and grabbed his hand, tugging. “Spencer Spencer!” he said. “We learned about planets!”

“Oh?” Spencer asked. He glanced up at Aaron and Haley, silently asking permission, and when he received their nods, let Jack pull him away. “Which is your favorite?”

“Mars!” Jack said and then the door closed. 

Aaron sighed, looked at Haley, and gestured at the table. “There’s coffee, would you like any?”

“I’ll have some,” Haley said, and sat while Aaron poured two mugs. He remembered exactly how she liked hers made and he could feel her eyes on him as he prepared it before turning around. 

She smiled hesitantly. “Are you feeling better?”

Aaron sat down. “I’m healing,” he said. 

“When do you think you’ll…”

“I go back in about a week to get the stitches taken out,” Aaron said. 

She nodded and silence lapsed between them. 

Finally Aaron said, “Why do you have a problem with Jack seeing a relationship between Spencer and me?”

Haley looked away. “I just…it’s…it’s not what I was raised to believe in, Aaron. And even if you’re…” She gestured vaguely. “…with him, behind closed doors, I just don’t know what I think about Jack seeing it.”

“It’s not like he’ll see any more than he did with you and me,” Aaron said.

“But it isn’t  _ right _ ,” Haley said. “I don’t want him to grow up thinking—”

Aaron’s hand hit the table, startling her into silence. “Don’t you ever,  _ ever _ say that in front of Spencer,” he warned in a low voice. 

Haley kept her composure well. “I’m sorry, Aaron, but I was taught these values. Besides, weren’t you raised the same way?”

“I was,” Aaron said. 

“So?”

“So I’ve come a long way from what I was raised as,” Aaron said. He frowned. “You should know that.”

“But a man and a woman…” She took a breath, steadied herself. “Two men together isn’t  _ right _ ,” she said again. “How could you start thinking otherwise?”

Aaron looked at his hand, still flat on the table. “Because I know what evil is,” he said. “I’ve seen it. And once you’ve seen that…it puts a lot into perspective. Two people who love each other and just want to be together? That isn’t even on a scale of things that matter.”

Haley gripped her mug. “I don’t want Jack to get made fun of at school.”

“Neither do I,” Aaron said. 

“So what happens if he starts talking about two daddies?”

“Haley,” Aaron said. “We’re hardly at that point. Jack has never even seen us kiss.”

“He knows you sleep in the same bed.”

Aaron shrugged. “I told you he doesn’t know what that means.”

“He’ll know it’s what married couples do,” Haley said. “What if he mentions it?”

Aaron sighed. “I don’t know,” he said. “I do know that I’m not going to hide from him. But he’s your son too, and I’m willing to compromise.”

“I don’t like the idea of Spencer sleeping here when Jack does,” Haley said. 

“Well, that’s going to be too bad, because this is where he sleeps every night,” Aaron said. 

“Then can he sleep on the couch?”

“Haley,” Aaron said again, very patiently. He shook his head. “He sleeps in our bed, that is non-negotiable.”

“Then how are you willing to compromise at all?” she asked. 

“Legally, I am entitled to a certain amount of time with Jack per month,” Aaron said. “During which I am allowed to be as open as is appropriately possible around him about my relationship with Spencer. That means I am allowed to tell him that I love Spencer, I am allowed to kiss Spencer in front of him, and I am allowed to explain to him that two men falling in love is a very natural thing.”

The look on Haley’s face would have been funny if Aaron wasn’t so disappointed to see it there.

“I’m also allowed to have sex with Spencer behind locked doors once Jack is asleep,” Aaron added, just for the sake of making her look more horrified. He could feel the flicker of doubt as he spoke, but shoved it aside. This was not the right time to worry about that. “And you won’t find a judge in this country who will disagree with me on those points. However, I’m willing to refrain from all of those until Jack is older.”

Haley let out a slow breath. “Thank you,” she said.

“I’m not done,” Aaron said. 

Her knuckles tightened and she looked back up. 

“I said  _ compromise _ .”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“I want you to never teach him anything negative about gay people,” Aaron said. Haley opened her mouth to protest, but Aaron held his hand up. “You don’t have to teach him anything positive, I wouldn’t make you do that. But I do not want you telling him that love is just for a man and a woman.”

“Or?”

Aaron raised an eyebrow. “Or I’ll consider the agreement to not explain to him that I’m in love with Spencer void.”

Haley thought for a long time. Then she sighed. “Alright,” she said. 

They sipped their coffee in silence for a little while before Haley looked up. “Aaron?”

“Mm?” 

“You weren’t…I mean, you didn’t meet him until after…?”

“I didn’t meet him until after the divorce,” Aaron said. He glanced at her purse, and Haley shifted uncomfortably. “And if I had met him before, I wouldn’t have pursued him.”

“You were never there,” Haley said. “What was I supposed to…”

“It’s done,” Aaron said shortly. 

“I am sorry—”

“I said it’s done.”

Haley swallowed and nodded. “I have errands,” she said. “Um—why don’t you, keep Jack for the day, and I’ll pick him up tonight.”

Aaron nodded once. 

Haley rose, looking uncertain. “Aaron…I know a lot has happened between us, but, you need to know that I still care. And I am happy for you, even if…” She trailed off. 

“Thank you, Haley,” Aaron said quietly. 

She picked up her purse and let herself out. 

Spencer emerged from Jack’s room a few minutes later. “Did I hear the door?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. He rubbed his face. 

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked in a whisper, obviously trying to keep Jack from hearing, whatever he was doing. 

Aaron turned so he could look at him more directly and nodded. 

“So we’re keeping Jack?”

“Just for the day.”

Spencer gave him a pleading look that almost made Aaron laugh. “Jack?” he called. 

Jack looked out from behind Spencer’s legs. “Yeah?”

“Why don’t you come out here and tell me about planets?”

The five-year-old came tumbling out of the room, excitedly spewing barely-comprehensible facts that Aaron could tell were based in truth  _ somewhere _ , like how there was a storm of eyeballs on Jupiter or how Neptune had spots like chicken pox. He climbed up into the chair and dropped a handful of marbles onto the table and started moving them around in demonstration, chattering nonstop.

Spencer followed more slowly, coming to stand behind Aaron. He slipped a hand onto his back and rubbed in large, soothing circles while they both listened to Jack.


	15. Chapter 15

“What’s the verdict?” Spencer asked after Haley left with Jack later that night. 

Aaron didn’t look at him. “We’ll act the same around Jack as we have been,” Aaron said. “You can sleep here when Jack is here, and Haley won’t teach him anything negative about same-sex couples.”

“That’s fair,” Spencer said. He followed Aaron into the bedroom and lingered in the bathroom doorway. Aaron wasn’t sure if he wanted him to stay or go. “Aaron?”

“Yeah?”

Spencer took a deep breath, possibly to steady himself. “Do you want to talk?”

Aaron clenched his fists. “No.” 

Spencer walked forward and Aaron was expecting a fight, or at least a chastisement. Instead Spencer just rubbed his back and said, “Okay.”

Now Aaron was the one who needed to steady himself. He swallowed heavily. It would be easier to push Spencer away if he was trying to get closer, but he wasn’t. He was waiting for Aaron to come to him. It was a taunting, torturous strategy. Aaron wanted to give in, wanted to crawl into Spencer’s arms and hide in the sound of his voice, but he didn’t dare allow himself that comfort. It was for Spencer’s own good, he told himself. 

Or, if he was being honest with himself, and Aaron usually was, it was also because he was scared of what he would learn about himself once he was there. 

He gave in that night in bed and allowed Spencer to lean carefully over him and kiss him. But it felt distant, and it didn’t last. 

* * *

Aaron searched the living room again the next morning while Spencer was in the shower and the knowing look that his lover offered him when he came out of the bedroom, towel around his waist and his hair damp and touseled, made Aaron cringe guiltily. Spencer didn’t say anything, just leaned over and kissed the top of his head and quietly asked what he’d like for breakfast. 

The day passed in relative silence with occasional conversation. Spencer was being unbelievably patient and Aaron could feel his resolve wearing down with every understanding, calm answer. He snapped at him more than once and retreated as much as possible, going so far as to not let Spencer help him clean any of his wounds anymore. 

Spencer had figured him out completely and they both knew it was just a matter of time. 

But Aaron knew that he was going to do everything in his power to push Spencer away before that time came. 

That night, as Aaron brushed his teeth, Spencer leaned in the bathroom doorway and watched him silently. It was a comfortable silence, something like the close companionship they had shared so well before—

Then Spencer shifted and the feeling of the silence shifted palpably. Aaron let his doubts back in, set the shields back up. He was dangerous. He was broken. He needed to do this. 

“How’s the pain today?” Spencer asked.

“I’m fine.”

“You won’t look at me.” 

Aaron winced. 

“I know…” Spencer began, sounding hesitant. He trailed off to think for a few moments. “I know you’re scared, of a lot of things, and—”

“And what, you understand?” Aaron said, his voice harsher than he’d intended. He could practically  _ feel _ the shock. 

“No, I—I’m here, to help, with anything.”

Aaron closed his eyes.  _ Hold me, help me, kiss me until I forget— _

The thoughts were banished. He swallowed the lump and blinked away his tears. “I don’t need help.”

“Yes you  _ do _ .”

Aaron whirled on Spencer, glaring, and to his credit, Spencer’s only moved one foot back. He held his ground otherwise. 

“You think I don’t see what you’re trying to do?” Spencer said. His face was steady but his voice was shaking. 

“Enlighten me.”

“You’re hurt, you’re scared, you’re pushing me away because you think you’re helping me and because you’re ashamed and you don’t know if you’ll ever heal completely and that thought  _ terrifies _ you.” Spencer took a breath. “God, Aaron, you said it yourself, I’ve read books about victims! You asked me to be strong for you, and I am  _ trying _ but—you won’t even  _ look _ at me!”

“I’m looking at you now,” Aaron said in a quiet voice. 

“No,” Spencer whispered, shaking his head, looking into his eyes. “You’re not.”

Aaron narrowed his gaze, and then grabbed the back of Spencer’s neck and pulled him into a kiss, but not the kind he knew they were both craving. It was hard. He didn’t allow any of the emotion out,  _ couldn’t _ let Spencer know how much he was hurting to be so close and still so far away.

Spencer made a startled sound and tried to pull away but Aaron grabbed his arm and shoved him into the wall. Every wound in his chest throbbed but he kept Spencer trapped in the kiss until the younger man finally managed to turn his head away.

“Don’t do this to me,” Spencer choked. “I can’t leave you, I  _ can’t— _ ”

Something broke inside of Aaron. He dimly heard Spencer talking, saying that he had promised, that he loved Aaron too much, that he didn’t even have anywhere to leave  _ to _ , but suddenly the only thing he knew was that he close enough to kiss Spencer, so he took the younger man’s chin in his fingers. Spencer turned back easily, his words dying, and Aaron allowed himself to  _ actually _ kiss him. 

This kiss was just as hard, but now it was equally desperate. They clung to each other and Aaron could taste salt from tears—he didn’t know whose—on their lips. And  _ oh god _ this was what he wanted, this man, his touch—and Aaron’s resolve was slipping so fast he knew it was a lost battle. They were pressed so close that his wounds were screaming at him but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. He lifted his hand to Spencer’s jaw, and—

_ Agony _ ripped through Aaron’s body and his legs gave out. He dimly felt Spencer grabbing him and catching him before he hit the ground and he sobbed harshly. Pain radiated from between his legs and killed any desire to kiss Spencer again. Spencer was asking him what had happened, what he had done, how he could help, and Aaron pushed him away, staggering to his feet. He gripped the sink and fought the swell of nausea. 

The pain faded, slowly, and Aaron reached for his pill bottles with shaking hands once he felt he could move again. Spencer lingered, afraid to touch him, but similarly unwilling to leave. Aaron didn’t know if he was grateful or not. 

Once in bed, Aaron allowed Spencer to touch his hand, but nothing more. They fell asleep in silence. Aaron could hear Spencer crying.

* * *

The apartment was silent the next morning when Aaron woke up. He reached over. The bed was cold. He sat up slowly, tentatively. The pain seemed less this morning than it had been the previous one. Still…

He made his way groggily to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. When he took the bandages off this morning, they would stay off. As he started unwrapping them, he wished he had Spencer there to help. It was awkward doing it himself. 

After making sure the wounds were clean and showing no signs of infection he swallowed his pills and brushed his teeth. He took his time. Maybe by the time he was done, he’d be hearing Spencer’s footsteps coming into the bedroom…

But the silence stayed heavy. Aaron finally, reluctantly, dressed and left the bedroom to begin making coffee. He felt a shiver go down his spine as he passed over the carpet. 

As soon as he sat down with his mug and the newspaper, his phone started ringing from his room. Rossi’s ring? Aaron got up, hoping it was a consult, because he desperately needed to take his mind off things. 

“Hello?”

“Aaron.”

Aaron closed his eyes. Rossi’s voice was a mixture of caring and patronizing. “What is it?”

“I wanted to ask how you’re doing.”

“I’m doing fine, Dave,” Aaron said. “Why are you really calling?”

“Would you believe it was just concern for your welfare?”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “I hoped it was a consult.”

“You think I would need to call you for a consult?”

Aaron frowned and didn’t dignify that with an answer.

“Still there?”

“Why are you really calling?”

Rossi clicked his tongue. “I saw Spencer sitting in Starbucks, before work,” he said. “He was at a table, reading. I just wanted to make sure…”

Aaron sighed. “We…I…it’s fine.”

“You know I don’t believe you.”

“I know.”

“Let him help you.”

“I’m—I’m trying.”

“You know he loves you,” Rossi said.

Aaron swallowed. “I know.”

“Then whatever you did to put that look on his face, make it right.”

* * *

Aaron refrained from calling. He finally heard the key in the lock as the sun was setting. He was at the table, facing away from the door. He closed the folder he was looking at and waited. 

The door closed, the lock slid into place. Aaron heard a few footsteps, and then the light flipped on. He blinked. He hadn’t realized how dim it had gotten.

“Sitting in the dark?”

“I guess I didn’t notice…” Aaron said. The footsteps stopped right behind him. “Had a good day?”

“It was insightful. I’ve had better.”

Aaron fidgeted with the file. 

“What are you working on?”

“Nothing.”

“Foyet, isn’t it. How did you get those? Kept them in your bag?”

“I do keep open case files on-hand.”

There was a long silence. 

“Are you going to look at me?”

Aaron winced. 

“Aaron, if you don’t want me here, that’s your choice.” The words sounded rehearsed and tired. “But you are going to have to say it to my face. You are going to have to  _ look _ at me, and tell me to leave. Or else I’m staying, and I’m going to help.”

Aaron nodded. 

“So which is it?”

Aaron’s fists clenched. He turned around.

Spencer’s eyes were tired and bloodshot. His face looked drained and his body looked like he was barely managing to remain standing. He didn’t look as steady as his voice sounded. Aaron glanced down and saw his fingers tapping rapidly against his leg.  _ Too much caffeine, _ he surmised.

“Aaron,  _ please _ ,” Spencer said, and  _ now _ his voice sounded like he looked. “I know you know what your answer is so just  _ say _ it.”

But that wasn’t true, Aaron realized. He didn’t know. He couldn’t stop watching Spencer’s fingers. He knew what he wanted to do, and he knew what he needed to do. 

_ But is it really? _

He took a deep breath. “I—” But he couldn’t speak, not with the fingers tappingtappingtapping— His hand shot out and he grabbed them, squeezing tightly. He tried to say the words, tried to tell Spencer to leave, that there was nothing but pain for him here, but the words died before they even hit his lips. “Stay.”

Spencer took a deep, ragged breath, and it sounded like absolute relief, but there was still doubt. “ _ Look at me _ and tell me you want me to stay.”

Aaron lifted his head. He looked right into Spencer’s eyes. “I want you to stay,” he begged. “ _ Please _ .”

Spencer swallowed and nodded. “Then you have to let me help you,” he said. 

“I will,” Aaron said. He looked away. “But—but not yet.”

Spencer lifted Aaron’s hand and kissed the back. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

* * *

The breaking point came a few days later when Aaron stood up from the table and tried to go into the bedroom. The quality of the light hitting the wall from the small overhead fixture was the exact same and something about the smell of the room—

Aaron saw Foyet standing there, pointing a gun at him. Immediately he could feel the knife and the cold with such intensity that he staggered. When a figure appeared in the doorway he panicked and backed away, prepared to defend himself, because this was  _ not _ going to happen to him again, when a familiar voice cut through the panic. 

He heaved a breath and the vision cleared. He had enough time to flinch before Spencer’s hands were on his arms and he tried to twist away but the other man wouldn’t let him. He sagged, sobbing harshly, and allowed Spencer to lead him to the couch. He was aware enough to notice that he hadn’t tried to lead him over the patch of carpet. 

When he was sitting and Spencer was kneeling in front of him, settled between his legs, Aaron wrapped his arms around himself and turned his head. Spencer reached up and touched his jaw, licked his lips briefly, and then began talking. 

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a very real thing you’re facing here. You’ve been through something traumatizing in your own home that was severe enough to overcome your familiarity with the space. Your sense of safety here has been significantly damaged and I know how much you don’t want to talk about it, at all, but I’ve been researching and there is a lot of new information about what causes PTSD and what some of the best ways to avoid it are. 

“When you experience something that is suddenly psychologically traumatizing, your brain doesn’t always have time to process the information with the frontal lobe and the memory gets trapped, so to speak, in the hypothalamus, which is responsible for very primitive emotions. Fight or flight, that kind of thing.” Spencer paused for a moment, licked his lips. “When humans talk about trauma, it gets rationalized and processed, but when they don’t, very little things can set off flashbacks and anxiety. One of the reasons so many more soldiers came back from Vietnam with PTSD than World War I was the amount of time they had to travel back. When they spent weeks on a ship, they were given time away from the world to talk and process, but during Vietnam when they could be flown back in a matter of days and were suddenly on the streets again, they lost that debriefing time. 

“That’s what you have here, debriefing time, and I’m here to listen. You would never let anyone you care about act the way you are now, and I’m not going to let you, either. You  _ need _ to talk about this, before it’s too late and the damage is permanent.”

Aaron started to protest, but Spencer still wasn’t done. 

“Even if you don’t want to do this for yourself, then you’ll do it for your career,” the younger man said. “What do you think is going to happen to an agent who has PTSD like you do?”

“They would be retired from the field,” Aaron said. 

“Let me help you,” Spencer said. When Aaron still respond, Spencer squeezed his knee. “Do it for Jack,” he said. 

That made Aaron stop and look back. “For Jack?”

Spencer nodded, then licked his lips again and looked to the side. Aaron had seen the combination of those two things enough times to know it meant the younger man was thinking on his feet, and when he spoke, the words would be a tumble. 

“You’re Jack’s hero, and you know it,” Spencer said. “And more than anything, you want to keep being his hero, right? And to do that, he needs to think that you aren’t afraid of anything, because that’s where a child’s faith in an adult comes from, believing they aren’t afraid of anything at all. And if you have a flashback while you’re walking to your bedroom and Jack sees—”

Aaron held his hand up. Spencer stopped talking. 

“Okay,” he said. He took a deep breath. Imagining Jack’s absolute faith in him wavering was too hard. His shoulders slumped as the inevitability of talking hit him. “What—what do I do?”

“Tell me what happened.”

“You know what happened,” Aaron said in a flat voice. 

“I know what Rossi told me happened,” Spencer said. “I know what was done to you, but I don’t know what you experienced.”

“I can’t,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “I was so scared, I can’t feel that again—”

“Start simple,” Spencer said. “Don’t think about how it felt, just tell me what you were doing, what you saw.”

Aaron nodded and gulped down a breath. He could do that. “I came home, after the case. I locked the door. I took my gun off. I went to the scotch.”

“Why did you go to the scotch?” Spencer asked. 

“It was a hard case,” Aaron said. It felt  _ years _ away now. “You weren’t here.”

Spencer nodded. “Then what?”

“I heard something,” Aaron said. “In the bedroom. I thought it was you and I was so relieved that you were home after all, but then I realized…”

“Keep going,” Spencer encouraged. 

“I turned around and he was standing there,” Aaron said. He could  _ feel _ the adrenaline filling his veins. “He had his mask on. He told me I should have made the deal—” Spencer’s hand squeezed his. “—And then he fired into the wall. I tried to fight him but he was ready and I was exhausted…” Aaron closed his eyes and the memory overwhelmed him. “I can’t do this,” he said. He started shivering. 

“Yes you can,” Spencer said. “Stay with me, look at me.”

Aaron obeyed and latched onto the familiar voice and opened his eyes. The images faded. He nodded. 

“I don’t need detail,” Spencer said. “I just need you to tell me what happened after that.”

“He got me on my back,” Aaron said. He could feel the memories just on the edge of his mind, fighting to break back in, but he focused on the facts. “He taunted me and talked to me and he started stabbing me. It lasted for…” He gripped Spencer’s hand. “And then I must have passed out. I only remember the hospital after that.”

Spencer kissed Aaron’s knuckles. “Good,” he murmured. 

“Is that…?” Aaron asked hesitantly. 

“That’s all,” Spencer said. “That’s the first step. You created an episodic memory of the event and that’s something you can look to in the future, instead of reliving the entire thing. Eventually, as time passes, the memory will resemble more of a semantic memory.”

“Have you been taking psychology classes?” Aaron asked. 

“I’ve been reading psychology textbooks and research specifically having to do with PTSD and memory,” Spencer said. 

Aaron let out a slow breath. “That’s really it?” he asked.

Spencer nodded. “For now. Are you okay?”

“I’m…okay as I was before,” Aaron said. “But not worse.”

“Keep processing the memory,” Spencer said. “That, more than anything, will help the flashbacks. And talk to me about anything you feel like talking about, whenever you feel like talking about it.”

Aaron nodded. Maybe he could have hope for this—

But the memory of the painful throbbing between his legs was still with him. Even if he could have hope for his mental health, there was still no way of telling…and even Spencer wouldn’t be able to help with that if he didn’t heal. 

“Stitches out tomorrow,” Spencer said, hopefully. 

“Yeah,” Aaron said. Dread settled in his stomach. “Stitches out tomorrow.”


	16. Chapter 16

Aaron stood in front of the bathroom mirror looking at himself. The stitches had been out for three days. Nine red lines, straight as a knife’s edge, scattered over his chest, were all that remained. If he wasn’t careful, they could still tear open. The doctor had ordered him to another week of rest before he would clear him for office duty, and another week after  _ that _ before he would clear him for the field. Aaron already felt like clawing through the walls, he couldn’t imagine what one more week was going to do to him. He rolled his shoulders and reached up to rub his upper arms. Before Foyet he’d started most days with a series of push-ups, nothing much, but enough to keep his muscles toned. His arms were itching from the inactivity. His legs, his abs, his whole body was burning with the need to move. 

He couldn’t move, he couldn’t find what was missing, he couldn’t help his team, he couldn’t feel safe in his own home—

Aaron could feel the anxiety swelling in his chest and he gripped the counter, bowing his head.  _ Relax, _ he told himself.  _ Need to relax. _

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply through his nose, counted to five, and then out through his mouth. He heard Spencer’s voice in his mind explaining the technique. 

_ “The process of mindfulness meditation begins by focusing on a central rhythm, like breath, and then attending to thoughts as they wander before returning back to the original focus. During mindfulness meditation, a person should not try to keep their thoughts from wandering, but instead, let them wander at will and attend to each new subject nonjudgmentally as their thoughts and focuses shift over time…” _

He focused on his breath.  _ Breathe in, count five, breathe out. Breathe in, count five, breathe out.  _

_ Foyet. _

The knot came back to his stomach. 

_ What do you feel? _ Spencer’s voice coached.  _ Discern the individual feelings _ .

Helpless, angry, violated. As Aaron identified each emotion, the knot loosened a little. But not all the way. He was missing something. 

_ Breathe in, count five, breathe out. _

Embarrassment. Shame. Humiliation. 

There it was. He was humiliated to be caught so easily in his own home, shamed by his weakness, too embarrassed about his injury to let Spencer look at him. 

_ How can I let him stay with me? _

Aaron’s breath turned suddenly ragged and he felt his heart quicken. 

_ Broken broken broken— _

His hands were shaking. He could feel his focus fading and the spiral of fear go deeper and deeper into his belly. What would Spencer think of him if he never healed properly?

_ I have to tell him, I have to tell him to leave. _

Aaron lifted his head and stared into his reflection’s eyes. He looked haunted even to himself. The flashbacks had slowed, but it wasn’t helping the nightmares that woke him up every night. He hadn’t told Spencer about those yet, but he knew the other man suspected. There was no way to miss the darkening circles under his eyes. 

The nightmares weren’t about the attack, though. Spencer was helping him with those memories. The nightmares were about finally being with Spencer again and realizing he was too injured and damaged to make love to him. Sometimes in the dreams Spencer was too repulsed with the scar to become aroused, so Aaron couldn’t even pleasure him. In the worst of them, when Aaron tried to kiss him, Spencer turned his head away in disgust.

Of course he  _ knew _ that Spencer would never turn away from him, he was too kind, and Aaron wasn’t so far lost to his illogical fears to think that Spencer didn’t love him anymore. But he couldn’t shake the lingering feelings of shame and dread.

Aaron blinked. His mind had wandered. He gently refocused himself to his breathing.

_ Breathe in, count five, breathe out _ .

* * *

Aaron was reclining on the couch when the door opened. That would be Spencer back with the groceries. He kept flipping through the folder. “Hey,” he called. 

No answer. He heard the five-digit code being punched into the alarm system and more footsteps. “Spencer?”

Still silence. Aaron frowned and pushed himself up and looked over the back of the couch. His blood ran cold. 

Foyet was standing there with a gun to Spencer’s head. Even as Aaron opened his mouth to shout, he knew it was too late, and Foyet pulled the trigger. Spencer’s body crumpled to the floor and Aaron followed it with his eyes, feeling like he was watching the whole thing in slow motion. He tried to get up but he couldn’t, for some reason he couldn’t move, and then he looked down at himself and saw why. He was bleeding again, every wound gushing blood that was pinning him to the couch. He could see Spencer’s body and he screamed and screamed and screamed while Foyet laughed and laughed and laughed—

Aaron opened his eyes with a gasp and sat up. He was covered in a cold sweat and shaking. He looked around. He was in bed. He had come here to relax and think, the last day before he went back to work, and must have fallen asleep. He rubbed his hand over his face, trying to shake away the lingering images from the dream.

He swung his feet over the side of the bed and walked out into the main room. 

Spencer was sitting at the table, very much alive. Relief washed over Aaron. “Hey,” he said. 

Spencer looked up with a weary smile. “Hey,” he said. He was holding what looked like a hand-written letter in his hands. “How was your nap?”

Aaron frowned. “I’ve had better.”

“I’m sorry,” Spencer said. 

Aaron shrugged. “What’s that?” he asked, walking over. 

Spencer swallowed. “It’s um…it’s a letter, from Nathan.”

“Nathan Harris?”

Spencer nodded. “He was convicted on three counts of second-degree murder. His lawyer tried for involuntary manslaughter by means of insanity but it didn’t work.”

“He wrote you to tell you that?”

Spencer shook his head. “No,” he said. “He wrote to thank me.”

Aaron walked over and looked over Spencer’s shoulder at the sprawled, messy handwriting. “To thank you?”

Spencer nodded. “He says that he came to me because he thought I could help him, but when I couldn’t, he started coming back because he knew that I was the only one would turn him in, and that he forgives me, and is grateful to me for making sure he couldn’t kill again.”

Aaron gripped Spencer’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Spencer shrugged. “I knew that he wanted me to help him.”

“Still. He’s thanking you for turning him in.”

Spencer nodded again. 

Aaron sighed. “Come sit with me,” he said. 

“I’m fine, Aaron…”

“Please,” Aaron whispered. 

The tone of his voice made Spencer look up. His eyes widened when he saw Aaron’s face. 

“I really need to hold you right now,” Aaron said. He needed to feel that Spencer was alive, and he needed a reminder why he was about to break his lover’s heart. 

* * *

They sat together on the couch with Spencer leaning carefully against Aaron. Aaron kept his arms around Spencer and Spencer had a loose grip on his wrist, slowing moving his thumb up and down. They hadn’t spoken for a long time.

“I love you,” Aaron said. 

“I love you too,” Spencer said. The smile was clear in his voice. 

“No, I  _ need _ you to know that I love you.”

Spencer tensed. “Of course I know,” he said. 

Aaron took a deep breath. “Foyet talked about you.”

“I know.”

“I never told you.”

“You yell at him in your sleep sometimes,” Spencer said softly. “Talk to him.”

Aaron’s heartbeat sped up. He didn’t remember any of those dreams. “So,” he said hoarsely, “So you know why I have to do this.”

Spencer sat up and whipped around. “Aaron,  _ don’t _ .”

Aaron wanted to close his eyes when he saw the fear on Spencer’s face, but he forced himself to keep them open. Spencer had asked one thing of him, that he look at him. 

“You need to go,” Aaron said. 

Spencer’s mouth fell open in shock. “Aaron, you can’t…”

“I can’t let you be with me,” Aarons said. “There’s a psychopath interested in making me miserable. The further you are away from me, the—”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ say better.”

“It’s true,” Aaron said. “I can’t give you safety, I can’t give you a lover—”

“You don’t know that,” Spencer said, desperate. “The doctor said—”

“He said  _ might _ ,” Aaron said. 

“He doesn’t know for certain!”

“Even so, there’s still Foyet,” Aaron said. “You’re in danger as long as you’re with me.”

“But…” Spencer said, his voice choking. “Where am I supposed to  _ go? _ ”

Aaron couldn’t answer. 

“Did you forget that I lost the closest thing to a home I’ve ever had because of you?” Spencer demanded.

He was getting angry, Aaron noted. That was good. “I didn’t forget,” he said, softly. 

“This is all I have,  _ you _ are all I have!”

“I can give you money for a hotel,” Aaron said.

Spencer flinched. He pulled away. “How can you…”

Aaron swallowed. It was getting hard to keep looking into Spencer’s eyes. “You asked that I look at you,” he said. “So this is me, looking at you, telling you I don’t want you here.”

Spencer was the one who closed his eyes. “But what will you do?” he asked.

“Me?”

Spencer nodded. “Who’s going to take care of you?” he asked, his head bowed. 

“I’ll take care of myself,” Aaron said. He reached out to touch Spencer’s arm. 

Spencer jerked away. “ _ Don’t  _ touch me,” he snapped. He stood up. “I’ll come back tomorrow when you’re at work to get what I need.”

Aaron kept his eyes open until he heard the door slam, and then he turned his face into the cushions and sobbed. 

_ What had he done? _

* * *

Waking up the next morning without Spencer there to quietly support him was its own special hell. Aaron didn’t even make it through his shower before he was doubled over on the ground gritting his teeth against the tears. Only the knowledge that he needed to go to work got him on his feet again. He needed to prove to his higher-ups, and himself, that he could still do his job. 

Aaron swept the apartment with his eyes when he finally felt steady enough to leave the bedroom. It had become a regular habit, hoping every time that he would realize what was missing. Spencer had quoted some research about visual processing to him that explained why it was highly unlikely he would just notice it now, especially after all this time, but Aaron still looked. His eyes wandered over to the kitchen and for a brief moment he expected to see Spencer sitting at the counter sipping coffee and reading the newspaper. 

Aaron pulled his phone out and looked at it. He was worried and felt like kicking himself. Where had Spencer stayed? He’d refused the offer for a hotel room, and Aaron knew he would never stay in his house. 

_ I’m such an idiot. _

Whether it was for kicking Spencer out or for not making sure he was somewhere safe, Aaron wasn’t sure, but he felt lower than he thought possible from the guilt. Should he call?

He stared at his phone for a long time, debating, then the image of Foyet ambushing Spencer outside of the apartment complex flooded his mind and his fingers were hitting the buttons before he was even really aware of it. He held the phone to his ear and prayed.

“Hello?” Spencer’s voice was wary.

Aaron gasped in relief. “I just—I just wanted to make sure you were somewhere safe.”

“Thought of that a little late, didn’t you?”

“I just…”

“Is that all?”

_ No, I love you, come back to me, _ Aaron thought, but all he said was, “Yes.”

“Then yes, I found somewhere safe to stay.”

“Where?”

“Why the hell do you care?”

Aaron could hear the pain that Spencer was trying to hide with anger. “Because—because I need to know that you’re safe and I need to know where you are if Foyet surfaces.”

There was a long pause. “I’m at Father James’s house. He’s letting me stay until I can find a job and get a place.”

Aaron felt his legs get weak from the absolute relief that swept over him. 

“Aaron?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t call me again.” The line went dead. 

Aaron shoved every other emotion that tried to overwhelm him aside and focused on one thing. Spencer was safe. He was with someone who cared about him. He was with someone who could take care of him without subjecting him to the dangers of a psychopath. 

_ Father James can’t love him _ . 

Aaron shuddered. 

_ Neither can I, not anymore, not in the way he deserves. _

But no matter what he tried to tell himself, Aaron couldn’t stop from feeling like he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life. 

* * *

Garcia was waiting for him when he got to work, standing next to his office door with a huge grin and a plate of cookies wrapped in pink saran wrap. A little voice in Aaron’s head told him to be gracious and accept the cookies and thank her—she was only trying to help—but instead he ended up snapping at her to act more professionally and closing his door in her face. 

Well, that would do it. The whole team would know within the hour that something was Wrong with Hotch. He sank down behind his desk, picked up the first file in his inbox, and started working. The team had helped as much as possible with covering his paperwork, but there was still plenty for him to catch up on. He was grateful for it. The more work he had, the less time he had for his mind to wander. 

The day passed without interruption. The only person who dared enter his office was JJ, who arrived with a consult and left very quickly. 

When he closed the last file of the day, Aaron sighed and leaned back. He looked out into the empty bullpen, and then noticed a light coming from the other side of the upper level. Garcia’s office. With a twinge of guilt, Aaron gathered his belongings and stood up, stretching his stiff joints, and headed over. 

The door was cracked slightly so Aaron knocked and then pushed it open. Garcia was sitting in there at her screens playing Tetris. Kevin Lynch was standing next to her with one hand resting on the back of her neck. They both turned around. 

Their reactions were textbook, Aaron noted. Kevin’s eyes narrowed and he squared his shoulders while Garcia immediately looked apprehensive, but a little hopeful. 

“Technical Analyst Lynch,” Aaron said, nodding his head once in greeting. “I need to speak with Technical Analyst Garcia.”

Kevin might be a protective boyfriend, but he also wasn’t a fool, Aaron noted approvingly. He wasn’t going to argue with proper titles and an establishment of hierarchy. He did offer Aaron a look of warning as he walked by, though, and Aaron had to admire him for his bravery. 

As soon as the door closed, he took a step forward. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I had no reason for snapping at you and I shouldn’t have.”

Garcia smiled immediately. “Oh, sir, it’s okay,” she said brightly. “I know you’re going through a lot.”

“It’s still no excuse,” Aaron said. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Is there anything I can do?”

Garcia turned around for a moment and then turned back, holding the plate in her hands. She held it out. “You could take these,” she said. 

Aaron smiled. “Thank you,” he said, and accepted the gift. 

“All forgiven,” Garcia announced, beaming. “You and Spencer can get all cozy and share them, I made enough for two.”

Aaron’s smile faltered, and a moment later, so did Garcia’s.

“Sir?” she asked. “Is everything alright with…?”

“It’s fine,” Aaron said. “Thank you again.” He didn’t give her a chance to reply as he left, but he could picture the worried look on her face as he walked away. 

* * *

Aaron was impressed with Rossi’s restraint. He didn’t ambush him in his office until Wednesday. 

“Let’s get lunch,” Rossi said. 

Aaron raised an eyebrow at him. “Why?”

“So I can pick your brain,” Rossi said, moving his head back in a  _ come on _ gesture. 

Aaron knew he wouldn’t be able to squirm his way out of this one so he grabbed his coat and followed his friend to the garage. 

Rossi drove and they ended up at a little lunch bistro. Rossi had apparently been there before and didn’t even look at the menu. Aaron was able to evade the conversation he knew was coming for a little while by carefully perusing every single item, but eventually their coffee came and they placed their orders, and the menu was taken away. Aaron felt very exposed without it. 

“So what happened?” Rossi asked. His voice was surprisingly gentle. 

“With what?”

“Don’t play that game with me,” Rossi said. “You’ve been here long after hours for two days straight, you get here early, you snapped at Garcia, she’s convinced there’s something horribly wrong, and you look miserable.”

Aaron looked out the window. “I made Spencer leave.”

“Why?” Rossi asked, and there was no judgment in his voice. 

“Foyet,” Aaron said. 

Rossi was quiet for a minute. “Is that the only reason?”

Aaron winced. 

“Aaron?”

“It…isn’t really something I want to talk about,” Aaron said. 

“Okay,” Rossi said, to Aaron’s shock. “The Foyet reason, at least, makes sense, and I can’t judge you for it. If you want to talk about the other one, you know you can.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “Thank you, Dave.”

Their soup arrived and the conversation shifted to more comfortable topics. When their salads came, Rossi flirted with the waitress for a few moments while Aaron smiled fondly. Rossi was a good friend. No matter how much he loved to tease and torment, he knew the correct time and place, and Aaron was grateful. 

When they finished their meals and the check and a pair of truffles were placed in front of them, the conversation lapsed into silence. Suddenly Aaron wanted to tell Rossi everything.

“Dave?” he asked quietly. 

“Yes Aaron?”

“Foyet…he did something else to me.”

Rossi’s gaze focused. He waited. 

Aaron swallowed. “Do you know how many times he stabbed me?”

“Nine times,” Rossi said. 

Aaron shook his head. “Ten.”

He heard Rossi sit up straighter. He didn’t ask, didn’t press, just kept waiting. 

Aaron didn’t even know how to describe… He wished he could just send the knowledge to Rossi without saying it. He tried to speak and found his voice completely dead. He cleared his throat and tried again. “He…what he did…he…” Aaron couldn’t say it. He just couldn’t. 

Rossi waited a little longer before asking, “If you were describing something he had done to a victim, what would you say?”

Aaron blinked. “Genital mutilation,” he said automatically, not even needing to think about the term, and then he paled and looked at Rossi in horror. 

Rossi was staring back at him. “Aaron…”

“Oh god,” Aaron whispered. “I—”

“Did he…take…?” Rossi asked carefully. 

Aaron shook his head. “Stabbed, like everything else.”

Rossi looked relieved. “Will you ever be able to…?”

“I don’t know,” Aaron said, looking back out the window. “All the doctor could say was I  _ might _ .”

“And you didn’t want Spencer to feel trapped into staying with you,” Rossi said. 

Aaron nodded. 

“Aaron, I understand and agree with you if you’re acting because of Foyet, but if you’re acting because of this, then you’re a damn fool. You think he really cares if you can’t get it up?”

Aaron gritted his teeth. “Dave…”

“No, listen. There’s nothing you could do to him before that you can’t now,” Rossi said. 

When Aaron flushed and started to protest, Rossi held up his hand. “You can buy replacements,” he said. “You could make sex every bit as good for him as it was before. It’s  _ you _ who lost something, is it fair to make him leave because of that?”

“I ... don’t know,” Aaron said. 

“Well, it isn’t,” Rossi said. “Not if you still love him, because I know he still loves you.”

“You—how?”

Rossi suddenly looked like he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “I talked to him yesterday,” he said. 

Aaron stared. “You  _ what? _ ”

“Father James invited me over for dinner,” Rossi admitted. He spared Aaron a glance. “It’s more than you ever did, I’ll say that.”

“Dave,” Aaron growled, having to fight down a surge of jealousy. “Get to the point.”

“Fine,” Rossi said. “You are that man’s  _ soul _ , Aaron. And if you really are trying to protect him from Foyet, then I will support you all the way. But if you’re pushing him away because you’re scared of facing what you lost, then I’ll say it again, you are a  _ damn _ fool.”

The waitress came by to collect the card that Rossi had set on top of the bill without Aaron noticing and the conversation paused while she was there. As soon as she was gone, Aaron leaned forward. He spoke softer now, more aware of the people around them. “It’s both,” he said. “I don’t want Foyet to see him as target and I don’t want him to feel stuck with me.”

“So after we catch Foyet?”

Aaron paused. “I—I don’t know,” he said. 

“You better figure it out,” Rossi said. “Besides, you still don’t know for sure if the damage is permanent.”

Aaron shook his head. 

Rossi glared at him for a few more moments before his expression softened and he sighed. “I’m so sorry,” he said.

“I know,” Aaron said. “Thank you.”

“You know this changes his profile,” Rossi said. “He isn’t just trying to hurt you, he’s trying to establish dominance over you.”

Aaron nodded. 

“And sometimes,” Rossi said, “That extends to possessions as well. And viewed from the outside, at least, you are the dominant and Spencer belongs to you.”

“I know,” Aaron said. 

“We’ll catch him,” Rossi said. “And once we do, you can drag your sorry ass over there and ask Spencer to come back.”

Aaron laughed shortly. “Beg, more like,” he said.

“He was pretty pissed,” Rossi agreed.

Aaron winced. 

The waitress returned with their receipt. Rossi signed it, added an extravagant tip, and stood up. “Come on,” he said. “Back to work.”

Aaron touched his arm as he walked by, making Rossi pause and look back. 

“Thank you,” Aaron said quietly. 

Rossi smiled. “Anytime you need someone to kick sense into your thick head, call me.”

* * *

Feeling slightly more justified in his decision to keep Spencer safe from Foyet didn’t do much to help Aaron ward off the depression that settled over him every time he was in the apartment. With Spencer gone his rhythm felt off and coming home at the end of a case, which had once been an anticipated joy, was now a crushing sorrow. 

The only thing that kept Aaron coming home was the knowledge that he needed to have a place for Jack to stay during his visits that felt maintained and lived-in. He was headed there now, just barely in time for his first scheduled weekend with Jack since he’d returned to work. He was running on three hours of sleep that had been snagged in the corner of a rural Wyoming police office and his neck ached, but all that mattered was that the case was over and he wouldn’t be alone tonight. 

Haley looked confused when she arrived and realized Aaron was by himself, but she hugged him, kissed him on the cheek, and left without asking. Jack immediately ran to his room to put his backpack down and reappeared moments after the door closed, clutching what looked like a homemade sundial, constructed from a paper plate, cardboard, tape, and markers. 

“Spencer!” Jack called, then looked at his father.

Aaron’s heart broke. He set Jack’s bag down and knelt in front of his son. “What do have there?” he asked.

“A sundial,” Jack said, looking down at it. “It’s for the sun.”

“What does it do?” Aaron asked. 

“It’s for time,” Jack said. “We had to make them outside with the shadows.” He pointed at one of the marks. “This is recess time.”

Aaron smiled. “It’s very nice,” he said. 

“Where’s Spencer?” Jack asked. 

“He isn’t here,” Aaron said. 

Jack’s face fell. “But I want to show him!”

“I know, buddy,” Aaron said. “He would be very proud of you.”

“But I had a question,” Jack said. 

“Maybe I can help,” Aaron offered, silently praying that the question would be one he knew. 

“Do you know who invented sundials?” Jack asked, looking hopeful. 

Aaron searched his memory. Nothing. “Ah…ancient people used them to tell time,” he said. “Before clocks.”

“Oh,” Jack said, and turned away, looking disappointed. He walked into the kitchen and Aaron heard the fridge open.

Aaron sighed and stood up, taking Jack’s bag to his room. He walked back into the main room to find Jack standing there frowning at him. 

Aaron’s mind raced. Did Jack blame him for Spencer leaving? Was Jack even old enough to think like that? What if he started thinking of his father as someone who couldn’t stay in a relationship?

“Where’s my picture?” Jack demanded. 

Aaron frowned. “Your picture?”

Jack grabbed his hand and pulled, then pointed at the front of the fridge. It was scattered with magnets and school photos and report cards. “My picture,” he said. 

Aaron looked at the fridge, frowning, then his eyes widened and he stopped breathing. The picture Jack had drawn of Spencer teaching him about dinosaurs, the one that had Aaron standing next to them and Haley behind them in the house. 

_ “Children whose artwork is displayed tend to have stronger self-esteem and higher expectations for their creative endeavors.” _

Spencer had told him that, and Aaron had subsequently put the picture on the front of the fridge. He stared. It was gone. It was  _ gone _ . 

Aaron fumbled for his phone and snapped it open. He hit a speed dial and held it to his ear. He heard the other end answer and without waiting for the person to greet him he blurted out, “I know what he took.”


	17. Chapter 17

Within an hour, Rossi, Prentiss, and Haley were in Aaron’s apartment. When he’d called, Rossi had told him to stay there with Jack and that he’d be right over. Aaron had then called Haley back, because there was no way he could go to her and reveal her location, even though he knew that if Foyet had just been watching carefully he would already know. Rossi had arrived with Prentiss shortly before Haley. 

Aaron sat on the couch with Jack in his lap and Prentiss sat next to him. Rossi was standing to the side and Haley was pacing back and forth in front of him. 

“Are you  _ sure? _ ” Haley asked for almost the dozenth time.

“I’m sure,” Aaron said. Jack sat quietly with his head resting against Aaron’s chest. He gripped his father’s shirt, very obviously aware of the tension he had created. 

“And you didn’t realize until now?” Haley asked.

“Not until now, no,” Aaron said. 

“How could you not notice that your own son’s drawing was missing from the fridge!” she asked, her voice rising in pitch. 

Prentiss stood up and walked over Haley, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Let’s go sit down,” she asked gently. “Jack? Why don’t you show me your favorite toys?” 

Jack slowly climbed out of Aaron’s lap and took Haley’s hand. Prentiss led them away into Jack’s room and shut the door. 

Aaron let out a slow breath and looked at Rossi. “So what kind of threat is this?” he asked. 

Rossi shrugged. “Honestly, Aaron? It looks like a threat against all three of them. The drawing had you, Haley, Spencer, and Jack on it, right?”

Aaron nodded. 

“He’s already made a threat against you,” Rossi said. “You’re still alive, and very much by design. Going after them would be worse than anything else he could do to you.”

Aaron closed his eyes. “What do I do?” he asked. He heard Rossi sigh. 

“You know what I’m going to say,” Rossi said. 

“I know,” Aaron said. “But I need to hear someone else say it.”

“No matter what you do, Jack is going to be in the most danger,” Rossi said. “He’s your son, and nothing will ever change that. He will  _ always _ be the best way to hurt you. By proximity, Haley is in danger because if Jack lost his mother, he would be heartbroken. And you might not love her anymore, not the way you used to, but you will always care about her. You’re just that kind of man.”

Aaron nodded.

“Nothing you do will ever distance them far enough from you,” Rossi said. “The only way you can keep them safe is to hide them. Witness protection.”

“It’s a strained system,” Aaron said. “They’re already overworked. How am I going to convince them that Haley and Jack need protection?”

“I think we can convince them,” Rossi said. “Family of a an FBI agent.”

“And Spencer?” Aaron asked, dreading the answer. “He would hate being isolated like that.”

“And I’m not sure they would take him, not being direct family and with no direct threat,” Rossi said. “You have to distance yourself from him in Foyet’s mind.”

“I’ve already made him move out,” Aaron said. “What else can I even do?”

“The media hasn’t quite dropped interest in him,” Rossi said. “There’ve been a few protests at the church by equal rights organizations, enough to keep his name out there.”

“But what does that…?”

“We have to convince Foyet you don’t care about him,” Rossi said.

Aaron wrapped an arm around his stomach. He didn’t want to hear this. 

“Leak another story,” Rossi said. “About your messy break-up.”

“Fuck,” Aaron said. 

“I’ll ask JJ to help me write it,” Rossi said.

“What are you going to say?” Aaron asked. 

“It’ll just be reports of him moving out,” Rossi said. “Maybe a few witness statements about hearing loud yelling.”

“You’re doing a lot to help my reputation,” Aaron said. 

“I’ll make sure Strauss knows it’s a plant,” Rossi said. 

“You can’t say where he is now,” Aaron said.

Rossi raised an eyebrow at him. “Do I look like I’m new to this game? Of course not.”

“Or anything that will hurt his reputation even more,” Aaron said. 

Rossi pondered that for a moment. “What if you were caught cheating?”

Aaron winced. “I don’t suppose you have any better ideas?”

Rossi shook his head. 

“Then do it,” Aaron said. 

Rossi stepped forward and squeezed Aaron’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “But Spencer has to think that it’s real.”

Aaron’s head shot up. “What? But—”

“You would recommend the same to anyone else,” Rossi said. “His reaction has to be genuine, it’s his best protection. Foyet can tell the difference as easily as we can.”

Aaron’s breath became unsteady. “No—no, I can’t hurt him like that.”

“Would you rather Foyet hurt him instead?”

Aaron buried his face in his hands. “No.”

“I’ll call witness protection and get Haley and Jack in,” Rossi said. “And I’ll try my best to get Spencer in with them, but if they don’t take it, we’ll have to go with the story.” 

“Can’t you…”

“I don’t have any strings with witness protection, Hotch,” Rossi said. “ _ No one _ has strings with wit-tec.”

Aaron nodded.

“But I’ll try,” Rossi promised. 

“Thank you,” Aaron said. 

Rossi started to walk away, then paused. “I swear to you we’ll put him behind bars,” he said. “And then get him in the chair.” He disappeared into Jack’s room.

Aaron heard voices and a few minutes later, they all reemerged. Haley was holding Jack and had tears running down her cheeks. Aaron rose to his feet and took his son and hugged him tightly, pressing his face into Jack’s hair and inhaling deeply. He met Haley’s eyes. “I’m so sorry,” he said. 

Haley put on a brave smile. “Just catch him,” she said. 

Rossi was holding Jack’s things. “I’ll follow you out,” he told Haley. “Prentiss will ride with you.”

Haley nodded and held her arms out for Jack. 

Aaron didn’t want to let go, but he handed the boy over and watched the entire procession leave. He locked the door, keyed in the alarm code, and the last thing he remembered from that night was staring into the bottom of a glass of whisky. 

* * *

Rossi silently handed him the paper with the published story on Monday morning. Aaron accepted it and gripped it tightly, staring at the page. There was a picture of him talking to a young blonde. He had his hand on her arm. The picture was pixelated enough and her hair was obscuring her face, but Aaron recognized the outfit. She’d been a victim’s brother a few months ago. He frowned in confusion. He’d been wearing a vest and suit when he talked to her, he remembered that clearly, but in the picture he was in jeans. And the background was wrong. 

“Garcia photoshopped it,” Rossi explained when he saw Aaron’s confused look. “Anyway, it’s all in there, and you can’t tell who she is from the photo.”

Aaron handed the paper back. “And Strauss knows this is a plant?”

Rossi nodded but didn’t take the paper. “You don’t want to read it?”

“Not really, no,” Aarons said. 

“Keep it anyway,” Rossi said and walked away. 

Aaron made for his office but JJ intercepted him on the way. “Case,” she said apologetically.

“Happy Monday,” Aaron said dryly, and followed her into conference room. 

* * *

Aaron was never grateful for a case, because it meant people were getting hurt somewhere, but he came damn close for this one. It got him out of Virginia and away from the temptation to run to Spencer and fall on his knees and tell him it was a lie, it was all a lie, and beg him to come back. 

But he was in Denver, Colorado, watching as crime scene techs fished the body of a brunette woman out of the Platte. Raped, throat slit, hastily dumped, no reason to hide her well. She still had one high heel on and was in an evening dress. She’d likely been downtown for dinner and drinks the previous night. 

The unsub had a transparently easy profile, but unfortunately, he was one of the hardest kind to catch. And while Aaron couldn’t be thankful, he could be glad to have something to focus on for a long time. 

After they gave the profile to the local officers, there was nothing more to do but go to the hotel and sleep. Until they figured out a pattern and a hunting ground, all they could do was increase patrols and pray for a miracle. 

In Aaron’s case, though, it wasn’t go to the hotel and sleep. It was go to the hotel and sit on the bed and stare at his phone. It would ring. Soon enough, it would ring. 

It finally did at ten o’clock. Midnight in Virginia. He picked the phone up and answered and held it to his ear. “I’m here,” he said, his voice hoarse.

He heard a breath. “Is it true?”

Aaron swallowed. He couldn’t answer. 

“What the paper said, is it true?” Spencer demanded. 

“Yes,” Aaron said, and his voice sounded dull to him. 

“Don’t you fucking lie to me,” Spencer said. 

“I’m sorry, it’s true,” Aaron said. 

“What’s her name?”

“Emily,” Aaron said immediately, the first name that came to mind. He swore to himself.  _ Emily? _ Because that didn’t sound like an obvious lie. 

“But—when?”

“After cases,” Aaron said. “I went to her for one night before I went home.”

“Aaron, please, if this is something to trick Foyet,” Spencer said, and his words were desperate. “ _ Please _ , if he’s watching me I already look like my heart’s broken, I can’t stop crying, and I—I—”

Aaron closed his eyes when he heard Spencer sob. Tears ran down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I wish I could tell you it isn’t true but I can’t.”

There was no sound coming from the other end of the line and for a moment Aaron thought the call had dropped, but then Spencer whispered, “Why?”

Aaron forced the words out. “I missed being with a woman.”

“You—”

“But that was it, I swear,” Aaron said. “I’m so sorry, I should have told you, but I swear I lo—”

“Aaron—”

“Spencer, I still—”

“Aaron!”

Aaron stopped. 

“Please don’t say it,” Spencer said. His voice was broken. “I can’t—I can’t hear you say it.”

Aaron nodded, his eyes still closed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Was I…that bad?” Spencer asked in a small voice.

Aaron almost lost his resolve right then and there.  _ No! _ his mind screamed while his mouth said, “You aren’t a woman.”

Spencer took a harsh breath. “I know you, Aaron, and I’m still not convinced this isn’t a lie.”

“I wish I could tell you it isn’t.”

Spencer was quiet for a long time. “Where are you?” he finally asked. 

“Denver,” Aaron said. 

“Be safe, okay?” Spencer asked quietly. 

“I will be,” Aaron promised. He heard the connection end. He bowed his head and with the phone still to his ear, whispered, “I love you.” And then his shoulders shook and he clenched his fist and he yelled and threw his phone as hard as he could. He heard two distinct pieces fall to the ground and lifted his hand to his face and sobbed. 

* * *

Less than two months later, Aaron found himself stepping down as unit chief because he simply didn’t have the energy or drive to keep the position, and he knew if he stayed there, he would get himself fired. Strauss was breathing down the back of his neck at every turn and Aaron could feel himself getting ground further and further down with every new body and every night in an empty bed. His depression returned, he couldn’t sleep, and he felt—he felt like he had before he’d met Spencer. Empty. Hopeless. Wondering what it would be like, really, to eat a bullet. 

As surprising as it seemed, Foyet was the only thing keeping Aaron going. He needed to stay in the FBI so he could catch him, and once he caught him, he could throw himself at Spencer’s feet and explain everything and plead for him to come back. 

His scars were all healed as much as they were ever going to be. They were thin and unobtrusive and the doctor thought they might even pale more over time. That was the benefit to getting stabbed neatly with a razor-sharp knife. At least the sites healed well. That was what the doctor kept telling him. She also kept telling him that he was lucky to have survived with almost no complications. 

Almost. 

Aaron hadn’t been aroused once since the attack. Sometimes he woke up hard, but that wasn’t true arousal. He was scared to try, and even more than that, lacked the desire. There were people in the world who could enjoy fantasizing about beautiful strangers, but Aaron was not one of them. Maybe it his nature or maybe it was leftover from his upbringing, but Aaron was only able to fantasize about the person he loved, and it felt wrong to use Spencer’s memory like that. 

He went to bed every night finding himself wishing he wouldn’t wake up the next morning. And every night, he was terrified that it might actually happen. 

And every night, he dreamt about Spencer and woke up in a cold sweat, gasping, unable to wipe the bloody images from his mind.

* * *

“I’m worried about you,” Rossi said. “I don’t think you’ve done anything but work on the Foyet case in your free time for months.”

Aaron looked up. He felt  _ old _ . “We need to catch him.”

“You’re running yourself into the ground,” Rossi said. “Haley and Jack are safe, Spencer is safe, and unless you take care of yourself, you won’t be able to be there for them.”

“I’m not there for them now,” Aaron said. 

“Other people are,” Rossi said. “Haley and Jack have their agent, Spencer has Father James.”

“Please go.”

“What do you think he’s going to do if you’re gone?”

“He already thinks I cheated on him,” Aaron snapped. “Now get out.”

Rossi looked at his friend sadly, then nodded, and backed out. He shut the door quietly behind him. 

Aaron looked down at the document on his desk. The words swam in front of him. The vision in one of his eyes cleared abruptly as a tear fell down onto the paper. Angrily, Aaron wiped his eyes and sat back. He looked out the window at the dark clouds. They matched his mood in every way possible. 

Maybe Rossi was right. He was so,  _ so _ tired. He should leave early and try to get some sleep. 

_ Spencer has Father James _ . 

Aaron looked down at the file. He had been worrying about that for a few weeks now. He wasn’t convinced anymore that Foyet would leave Spencer along just because he thought he didn’t matter to Aaron anymore. The more he looked over the victims, the more he worried that Foyet might go after him for fun, or out of spite for costing him the chance to hurt Aaron. So was Spencer really safer with Father James, who likely had no alarm and no gun? Or would he be safer with Aaron? 

But something kept stopping him, and Aaron knew what it was. He was so, so scared of learning that he could never make love to Spencer again, and he was worried that might doom their relationship. They might well always be friends, but lovers? 

He hated himself for the pure selfishness of that fear. 

Aaron rubbed his hand over his face. His thoughts felt slow and messy and unorganized. He needed a good night’s sleep before he made a decision about this. He also needed to consult his team, because he wasn’t that stupid, not yet. 

Aaron caught Rossi’s eyes as he left the office. His friend gave him a smile that Aaron tried to return. He didn’t feel like it succeeded, but he knew Rossi would understand. 

* * *

_ Spencer climbed into Aaron’s lap and wrapped his arms loosely around his neck, grinning down at him. He settled himself comfortable and Aaron rested his hands lightly on his waist, not really holding him but ready to at any moment. “You’re playful,” he remarked. _

_ “I lost my virginity to a beautiful man less than a month ago and he hasn’t been here for almost a week,” Spencer said. “I’m going crazy waiting for him.” _

_ “What a drag,” Aaron said. “What are you going to do?” _

_ “Well as soon as he gets home, I’m going to climb on top of him and make him desperate to fuck me.” _

_ Aaron smirked. “How are you going to do that?” _

_ Spencer leaned forward and pressed his lips to Aaron’s ear. “Like this,” he murmured, sliding his hand down the front of Aaron’s body and pressing warmly over his crotch. Aaron started breathing faster, head tilting back. Spencer undid the button and the zipper and reached into his pants, gripping him and rubbing up and down. “After I get him hard,” he whispered, “I’m going to make him suck my cock until I come and then bend over so he can fuck me.” _

_ “You lead prayer with that mouth?” _

_ “I do a lot of things with this mouth.” _

_ Aaron groaned. That voice and that hand were going to make him explode. Spencer’s hand felt so good, so real, and it had been such a long time since he’d felt like this… _

_ Such a long time… _

_ Why had it been so long? Something was wrong, he wasn’t supposed to be able to— _

Aaron opened his eyes with a harsh gasp. He felt dizzy and the images and sensations from the dreams lingered over him. And one had felt so good,  _ still _ felt so good…

Aaron’s eyes widened as full awareness of his body came over him. His hand had slipped into his pants and he was gripping himself. He was hard. He rubbed up and down experimentally and gasped. It felt so good,  _ so  _ good and he wasn’t going to be able to stop, not now, not even if he wanted to. He closed his eyes and turned his face into the pillow and grabbed hold of the Spencer in his dream, imagining that it was  _ him _ stroking up and down. He opened his mouth and lifted his free hand, sucking on two fingers, wishing they were Spencer. He remembered the way Spencer used to moan when Aaron sucked him off, the way his voice would get high and breathless right before he came. Aaron groaned quietly and his grip tightened. He jerked faster and breathed harder. “Spencer,” he whispered, then his voice got sharper. “ _ Spencer! _ ”

He was crying when he came and the release was nothing more than physical. He barely even felt it and moments later he found himself dissolving into sobs, clutching his pillow and crying so hard he knew his heart had finally shattered.


	18. Chapter 18

Aaron groped around on his nightstand as soon as his sobs had lessened and found his phone. Rossi’s speed dial was muscle memory and Aaron pressed it almost without thinking. 

“Hotch?” Rossi answered, sounding bleary and confused. 

“Dave,” Aaron said, trying and failing to keep his voice steady. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” Rossi’s voice sharpened considerably. 

“I can’t keep going like this,” Aaron said. He sat up and pulled his hand out from under the sheets, clenching it into a fist. His fingers were sticky with his own ejaculate and it made him sick to his stomach. “I can’t, I—I feel like I’m losing it, I need him here.”

Rossi was quiet for a few moments. “Are you safe?” he finally asked. 

“Yes.”

“You do realize if you see him, you’re putting him right back in danger, and that’s why you pushed him away in the first place.”

Aaron swallowed and his shoulders slumped. “I know,” he said. “You’re right, I…”

“When you say you feel like you’re losing it…”

Aaron laughed shortly. “Knowing that this might end and I might get to see him and Jack again is the only thing keeping me from suicide by unsub.”

“Don’t joke about that,” Rossi snapped.

Aaron had to take a moment to gather the courage to answer. “Who’s joking?”

Silence. Then Aaron heard a creak. 

“Stay there, okay?” Rossi said. “I’ll call you back in a minute.”

The line went dead. 

Aaron stared at his phone then got out of bed and stripped down. He balled up his soiled clothes and threw them in the hamper before going into the bathroom to wash his hands. He ran the water until it was hot and held his fingers there until it hurt too much and he had to pull away. As soon as he finished drying his hands he heard his phone ring again. 

“Dave?”

“Alright, listen,” Rossi said. “I called in a favor from a friend. If you want to go see him, he’ll need a police guard, and I have one standing by. I’ll admit it’s unlikely that Foyet is physically watching right now, since it’s been so long and scrutiny is up so high in this area. But he’s somewhere close so he can watch you, even if it’s just through the news, so chancing it is not an option.”

“I don’t think Foyet will leave him alone, even if he thinks he doesn’t matter to me,” Aaron said.

Rossi thought about that. “Why?” he asked. 

Aaron explained his reasons, thinking that Foyet might just go after him out of spite, that he might see right through their attempted ploy, that he could see as well as everyone else that Aaron was falling apart and it had started when Spencer left. 

“Yeah,” Rossi said with a sigh. “So no matter what we do…we should see if we can get a guard around him.”

“We should have done that right away,” Aaron said. 

“I hoped the story would be misleading,” Rossi said. “But with you the way you are, it isn’t working.”

Aaron laughed bitterly. “I keep failing him.”

Rossi huffed. “Look, it’s late, why don’t you sleep on this and we’ll get all the details worked out tomorrow—”

“Can the guard go over there in two hours?”

“What?”

“Tonight,” Aaron said. He was suddenly pacing, wide awake, adrenaline and nerves shooting through his body. “I—tonight, I have to see him.”

“Aaron,” Rossi said, in a voice that was obviously supposed to calm his anxious friend. 

“Please, Dave, tell me if you can get the guard there in two hours or not.”

“I…yes, he said he could assign an officer immediately.”

“Tell him two hours,” Aaron said, and hung up, scrambling for clothes. He dressed, started to slip his phone into his pocket, then paused and pulled it back out. He dialed. “And, Dave?”

“You’re welcome,” Rossi said.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Thanks.”

* * *

Aaron wasn’t quite sure how he got out of his apartment and into his car, but he found himself on the interstate peering through the rain for the correct exit. His heart was hammering and there was a sick terror in his stomach of what he was about to do, but he also knew that it was his only choice. 

Father James lived on a quiet residential street in a modest but comfortable neighborhood. Everything was still except for the patter of the rain that soaked through his clothes. There were dozens of places for a violent psychopath to hide and Aaron felt like eyes were staring at him from every single one as he walked up to the house and rang the doorbell. 

A light turned on upstairs. Aaron held his breath. Footsteps moved down creaking stairs and there was a moment of silence when the person inside looked through the peephole before he heard the slide of a deadbolt and the click of a lock. The door opened. 

Father James stood on the other side of the glass door wearing a bathrobe and looking blearily at Aaron. “It’s the middle of the night,” he admonished.

“I know,” Aaron said. He swallowed heavily. “Please, can I…”

Father James pursed his lips as he thought. Finally he nodded once. “Stay here,” he said. “I’ll let him know. But he doesn’t have to talk to you.”

Aaron nodded. 

The door closed again. Aaron knew if he tried the glass door he would find that one locked, so he waited. The stairs creaked again and a few minutes later, the light upstairs switched off. Aaron’s heart sank. He waited a while longer and then turned around and started walking back to his car. 

The door opened behind him. 

Aaron turned. 

Spencer was standing on the other side of the glass. The hallway light was on behind him. He was wearing a long sweater and sweatpants and had his arms crossed over his chest to hold his shoulders. His hair had gotten longer. It fell just past his chin now. 

Aaron walked back to the door, seeing the way Spencer seemed to flinch with every step. The younger man looked like he wanted to bolt, but he stayed where he was. Aaron reached the top step, took a deep breath, and pressed his hand to the glass. 

Spencer swallowed and his eyes flicked to Aaron’s hand before moving back to his face. “Are you okay?”

Aaron shook his head. 

“Did something happen?”

Aaron laughed shortly. Almost the exact same first words as Rossi. “No,” he said. “Nothing happened.”

“Then…”

“I shouldn’t be here,” Aaron said. “I really shouldn’t. Even if I think you’re still in danger here and should be with me, it’s the middle of the night, but I—I really can’t help but wonder—and I can’t keep going like this, I just  _ can’t _ , because I’m falling apart and I can’t—I can’t—” He choked on his own words and fell silent. 

Spencer hesitated, licked his lips, then stepped forward and held one of his hands out, placing it against Aaron’s on the other side of the door. 

Aaron held his breath. 

“I thought I was here because I was unsafe with you.”

“I think you’re in danger here, too,” Aaron said. 

Spencer frowned. “So you came in the middle of the night instead of during the day with your team to discuss new arrangements?”

Aaron winced. “We’re assigning an officer.”

Spencer’s voice turned hard. “Was it a lie or not?”

“We wanted to make Foyet think that you meant nothing to me,” Aaron said. “Because we couldn’t hide you the same way, and he wouldn’t care if you were living with me or not, that was too easy, so we planted the story to make him think that I—but he can tell as well as everyone else that I’m breaking down and it changed when you left and he’s smart enough to realize that it just doesn’t—”

Aaron heard the lock being flipped and his head shot up. Spencer gently pushed the door and Aaron had to step back so it could open fully. And then Spencer was standing there, no barriers between them, and Aaron was frozen. 

“Was it a lie or not?” Spencer repeated. 

Aaron swallowed. “It was a lie,” he said. “I would  _ never _ —”

Spencer reached his hand out. “Come inside,” he said quietly. “You’re soaked.”

Aaron reached out and took his hand and felt the shock that went through his body at the simple touch. His fingers closed around Spencer’s and he stepped forward into the house. The door closed behind him. Spencer didn’t move back. It left them standing close together, almost touching but still not quite. 

“Spencer,” Aaron whispered, leaning forward.

Spencer turned his head away. “This isn’t fair, Aaron,” he said. 

Aaron drew back. 

“What changed that you’re suddenly here?”

Aaron hesitated. “I—I had a dream, about you,” he said. He allowed the hope he was feeling to creep into his voice. “I’m better,” he said. “I can feel, I could be with you.”

Spencer made a disgusted noise. “Do you really think that’s what I care about?”

“No, but—”

“ _ You _ were scared of finding out you’d lost that part of yourself,” Spencer said. “And when you got too scared, you kicked me out, after you asked me to help you and after you asked me to stay. And now you’re going to try coming back, because you aren’t scared anymore, to give me the good news?” Spencer stepped backwards, shaking his head. “I could have helped, I could have been there with you, and I wouldn’t have judged you or cared, and…and I thought you knew that.” His voice got softer and he lifted his arm back across his chest like a shield. “I’m not so shallow that I’d say I love you and not mean it.”

Aaron felt ugly and exposed. Everything Spencer said was true. A tight ball coiled up in his stomach and made him want to retch. But he swallowed against his shame and lifted his chin. It left his neck open to Spencer’s piercing gaze and his heart hammered in his chest. “What do you want?” he asked, looking him right in the eye. 

Spencer bit the inside of his cheek, thinking. The silence stretched on and Aaron was about to apologize for bothering and back out, when Spencer shifted his stance and set his jaw. “I want you to stay,” he said. “Because I’m too tired to think about this right now and I want to go back to bed, but god help me, I still love you and I don’t know why.”

Aaron nodded, trying not to look too relieved. “Father James won’t…”

“He won’t mind,” Spencer said, watching Aaron with a look that could only be described as calculating. 

Aaron relaxed a little. “I’ll—um—I’ll take the couch, then…”

“You will not,” Spencer said. “The guest room has a double and you’re going to sleep there with me.” He turned on his heel and headed up the stairs. 

Aaron let out a slow breath, trying to calm down, and followed. 

The room looked lived in and Aaron recognized Spencer’s few belongings scattered around the surfaces. The covers on the bed were tossed back and there were two pillows, but one of them was sideways and the case looked strange. Spencer pulled off the sweater and crawled back in, pushing the pillow back for Aaron to use.

Aaron toed off his shoes and shrugged off his jacket, then hesitated. He’d pulled on jeans and a t-shirt. “What do you want me to…”

“Whatever you’re comfortable in,” Spencer said.

Aaron nodded and stripped down to his boxers and slid cautiously under the covers on the other side. Up close, he realized what was wrong with the pillowcase. It was a shirt. It was  _ his _ shirt. He looked at Spencer. 

“I took it with me,” Spencer said. There was no apology in his voice. 

Aaron nodded. He settled down, uncomfortably aware of how close they were without actually touching. He took a breath, wanting to say something but unsure of what, but before he could fumble his way through a sentence, Spencer’s fingers pressed against his lips. He stilled. 

“Don’t,” Spencer said softly. He took Aaron’s wrist and guided his hand to settle on his waist. “Just this. Okay? Please?”

“Just this,” Aaron agreed. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of Spencer’s bare skin. He felt Spencer’s hand come to rest on his chest and heard the younger man sigh softly. He mustered all of his courage and covered Spencer’s hand with his own. 

Spencer immediately tensed, and then relaxed, and moved forward so he could settle his head against Aaron’s shoulder. 

Aaron closed his eyes and didn’t fall asleep for a long time.

* * *

Aaron woke up to his phone alarm the next morning. He immediately reached out. The bed was empty but warm. He opened his eyes. 

Spencer was sitting on the edge with his back towards him, bent forward. Aaron drew his hand back. This wasn’t the time for friendly morning touches. 

“Do you know one of the reasons I chose the clergy was because of the vows of celibacy?” Spencer said. 

Aaron frowned. “Why…?” he asked, his voice groggy. 

“I never thought I’d meet someone who could want me,” Spencer said. “So it seemed like a good choice to make a living in a field where that wouldn’t matter, and I could just tell myself I was alone because of the vows.”

Aaron winced. “I love you,” he said. 

“I know,” Spencer said. He shrugged and rolled his shoulders back before lifting his arms over his head and stretching. Aaron watched the way the muscles in his back and arms moved and remembered the times he’d bent over that body, kissed that skin, felt Spencer arching beneath him— 

“You have work to get to,” Spencer said.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. He sat up and discovered he was hard and hoped Spencer hadn’t noticed. “I want you to move back in with me.”

“I’m not ready,” Spencer said, shaking his head. He stood up and turned around. “You said there’s an officer assigned to this house now?”

Aaron nodded. 

Spencer thought about that for a few moments before his eyes refocused on Aaron. “You should go,” he said, and walked out of the room. Aaron heard a door shut somewhere in the house and sighed. 

He dressed quickly and splashed water on his face and used some of Spencer’s toothpaste to rub around in his mouth with his finger. He looked at himself in the mirror and cringed. Unshaved, unshowered, haggard. Because Strauss didn’t already have enough reasons to be keeping an eye on him. But he didn’t have time to go home before work. Maybe he could sneak into the bathroom with his go-bag and shave once he was there. 

He crept down the stairs, hoping he could get out without anyone noticing, but Father James was there to intercept him. 

“Sit down and have some coffee and eggs,” he said. “I won’t have a guest in my house leave hungry.”

Aaron offered him a grateful smile and followed him into the kitchen. Spencer was sitting there in a different sweater and holding onto a mug like it was going to protect him from the world. He watched Aaron warily and Father James squeezed his shoulder as he walked by. 

Aaron ate quickly and thanked the priest, who smiled in response, and got up to leave. He was almost to the front door when he felt a light touch on his shoulder and turned around. 

Spencer stepped forward into his arms and hugged him so tightly it was almost painful. Aaron squeezed back, pressing his face against his hair. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. 

“I know,” Spencer answered. He didn’t let go for at least another minute. When he finally stepped back, he looked unsteady. He offered a brief smile, then ducked his head and disappeared back around the corner. 

Aaron took a breath to steady himself, feeling equally shaky, and left. He could see the officer in the unmarked car a few houses down and as he climbed into his and set his trembling hands on the steering wheel, he realized he had no words to describe what he was feeling. 

* * *

Rossi at least looked sympathetic as he walked forward and handed Aaron a file. “Case,” he said. “And this one is going to be hard.” 

Aaron opened the file and saw a picture of four bodies all laid out on the lawn, covered by white sheets. He flipped through the rest of the pages. Mother shot. Son shot. Son shot. Daughter drowned. 

“Family,” Rossi said. “Father's overseas in the military. And guess who’s been getting fanmail from the unsub.”

Aaron closed his eyes. “Unsubs were never known for their appropriate timing.”

“No, they weren't." They started to walk into the bullpen. “You look awful,” Rossi said. “How was your night?”

Aaron shrugged. “I’ve had better.”

“Hotch.” Rossi stopped walking. Aaron stopped next to him. “I need to know where your head is right now, before we go into this.”

Aaron took a deep breath and nodded. “I’m okay,” he said. “I’m better. I spent the night there, he let me stay with him. It could be okay, someday.”

Rossi nodded. “Then let’s go." 


	19. Chapter 19

Aaron’s phone buzzed in his pocket while he was talking with the local lead detective about where the bodies had been found. He pulled it out, glanced at the name, then apologized and excused himself. “Spencer? Is everything okay?”

“Foyet hasn’t come by knocking on the door, if that’s what you’re asking,” Spencer said. “Just, there was something that I…”

Aaron lifted a hand and covered his heart, trying to will it to stop racing. “This isn’t a good time,” he said. 

“Oh,” Spencer said, sounding embarrassed. “Case?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “I’ll call you when I can, okay?”

“Okay. Be safe.”

“I will,” Aaron said. He hung up and ducked back under the crime scene tape. 

Morgan assigned Aaron and Prentiss to go interview Karl Arnold shortly after that. They had driven to Hampton so first they had to drive two hours back to Quantico. Aaron drove so he had to wait until they were on the jet to pull out his phone and hold it open. His finger lingered over the call button. 

“Sir?” Prentiss asked. 

Aaron looked up. 

“I was wondering if you could let me know what I should expect from Arnold.”

Aaron glanced back down at his phone. “Can it wait?”

“Oh!” Prentiss said. “Yeah, of course.” She hesitated. “How are things with Spencer?”

Aaron sighed. “Prentiss, I really don’t…”

“Right,” she said. “Yeah.” She took a few steps back, then turned and went and chose a seat in the opposite corner of the jet. 

Aaron called and held the phone up to his ear. 

“Hi,” Spencer answered. 

“Hi,” Aaron said. 

“That was fast, are you flying back?”

“No,” Aaron said. “I’m going to Red Onion State to interview a prisoner there who might know something about this unsub.”

“Oh,” Spencer said, and sounded disappointed. 

“You wanted to talk to me?”

“Yeah,” Spencer said, and Aaron imagined he could hear him fidgeting nervously. “I just…I thought of something I wanted to say.” 

Aaron waited. He heard Spencer take several deep breaths, as if he was trying to gather the courage to speak. 

“Are you still there?” Spencer asked. 

“I’m still here.”

“Okay,” Spencer said. He took another deep breath, then began speaking: “Aaron, I gave you everything I was, and because of it I lost everything I had.” He paused and Aaron knew that was as far as his rehearsed script went. Spencer took another breath. “It’s been months, it’s been—it’s been long enough for me to try to move on and do something with myself. I’m trying to find some kind of pattern, or, or focus— _ something _ . Have some kind of normal life where I can go to work and pay rent. You knocking on the door at three in the morning isn’t— _ can’t _ be part of that. So if you’re in this, I really…I just really need you to be sure, okay?”

“Okay,” Aaron said. His voice was rough and he knew Prentiss could hear him. He winced and cleared his throat and tried again. “Okay.” Not much better. 

“Because I really don’t think I could handle getting back into this and losing you all over again.” 

“I…I need to make sure of something first,” Aaron said. When Spencer didn’t answer immediately, he plunged on. “Being close to me is still going to be dangerous, and maybe every time you see me the risk will go up. We’ll keep you guarded until this is over, but being near me won’t help anything, and I need to make sure you know that.”

“Why are  _ you _ willing to put me back in that danger?” Spencer asked. 

Aaron winced. “Because I’m falling apart without you. And I don’t know if you’re even safe where you are.”

There was a silence, probably while Spencer bit his lip or pushed his hair out of his face or paced to the other side of the room. Then, “I know it’s dangerous. But I only feel like half of myself without you. And I was willing to face that with you the whole time.”

“I know,” Aaron said quietly. “And I’m sure I want you back.”

Spencer laughed shortly and it sounded almost hysterical. “God,” he said. “I can’t believe I’m really willing to go back into this.”

“If you need to wait—”

“No I don’t need to wait. I dream about you every single night. Half the time I—” Spencer stopped, and his voice lowered, making Aaron suspect that Father James was likely nearby somewhere. “Half the time I wake up right after I’ve—and I’m frustrated and I’m lonely and no matter how much I keep trying to move on, I can’t, so, no, I don’t need to wait.”

“Spencer…”

“This doesn’t mean I’m going to just fall right back into your arms. There are still things that I…that I need to talk to you about, but they’re not suited for the phone.”

Aaron nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Would it be…completely inappropriate to ask if you’re okay?”

Spencer made a strange noise. “Yeah,” he said. “It would. Especially considering you’re the reason I don’t know the answer to that question.”

Aaron sighed. “Thought so.”

“So that was all,” Spencer said. “Um.”

“I’ll come see you when I’m back,” Aaron said. 

“Okay, yeah,” Spencer said, sounding relieved. “That would be great.”

“And Morgan assigned me to a prison interview,” Aaron said. “So if it leads anywhere, we might catch this guy soon and it’s a short flight back.”

“Morgan assigned  _ you? _ ”

“Oh,” Aaron said. “I stepped down, Morgan’s the team leader right now.”

“ _ Why? _ ”

“This…isn’t the best time,” Aaron said. “Later? When I’m back?”

“When you’re back,” Spencer agreed. 

There was a short, awkward silence before Aaron cleared his throat. “So, goodbye,” he said. 

“Yeah, goodbye.”

Aaron flipped his phone shut and sighed and lifted his hand and pinched the bridge of his nose. How could this possibly be so complicated?

Maybe he’d figure that out someday. But first things first, he needed to apologize to Prentiss and prep her for Arnold. 

* * *

The interview was going about as well as could be expected, Aaron reflected as he watched Prentiss coax details out of Arnold. His phone rang and he stepped away just as Arnold began to describe the rapes of the young girls, silently thanking Morgan for the perfect timing. After filling him in on the results of the interview—he was sure now that Arnold’s admirer was not their unsub—and getting the order to stay with the interview, he hung up and returned his focus to the interview room. Something was nagging at him, but he didn’t know what. Arnold was acting strange, and he hadn’t mentioned Aaron’s lack of a wedding ring yet, something Aaron had been sure he’d do right away to try to throw him.

It soon became clear that he wasn’t going to give Prentiss anything other than gory details so Aaron reentered the room and sat down, trying to lead Arnold back to something useful. He managed to coax out some information about the unsub, but something about the way Arnold said “he’s just getting warmed up” caught Aaron’s attention—especially since Prentiss had already postulated this killer was female—but when he got the call that the team was on the correct trail, he and Prentiss packed up. 

They were about to leave and Aaron was already shifting his focus to what he was going to do when he got home, and what he was going to say to Spencer, when Arnold called his name, telling him he had one more thing to say. 

Aaron glanced at Prentiss, who just made a disgusted noise. “Let’s get this over with,” she said and walked back into the room. Her flirty look was gone and she wasn’t even bothering to make her expression neutral as she sat down. Her contempt was openly displayed. 

“What do you want?” Aaron asked. 

“I can’t believe you haven’t found him yet,” Arnold said, leaning back in his chair and looking smug about himself. 

“We found the killer,” Aaron said. “A woman.”

“Oh, that isn’t who I was talking about,” Arnold said. “You have no idea, do you, no idea how close he is.”

Aaron had to fight to keep the expression of shock off his face when he realized just what— He reached out and took Arnold’s letters. 

“Hotch?” Prentiss asked. 

“Some people might think he’s the reason you lost your ring,” Arnold said. “But I know better. So does he.”

Aaron flipped through letter after letter—simpleminded fans, fools, idiots, hate mail—realizing with growing dread what he could find. 

“He’s watching you, you know,” Arnold said conversationally. “Oh is he  _ ever _ watching you. And when he has you, I’m going to celebrate.”

An envelope. Aaron turned it upside down. 

Film negatives spilled out onto the table and Aaron grabbed the first one, holding it up to the light. The picture was small but it was one that had been burned into Aaron’s mind. Kissing Spencer against the wall of an ally. Three strips of that exchange, everything from the hug to Aaron walking back to his car. The other strips were filled with pictures of him and Spencer: walking out of the apartment building, through the bedroom window, leaving a cafe, Spencer giving a sermon, Aaron at a crime scene. 

After the envelope came the articles. Arnold had every single article that had been published about either Aaron or Spencer since the kiss. The first, the one that had outed them, had the Reaper’s sign drawn in bright red ink. The planted article about the break-up and the cheating had “such lies” written across it.

Aaron threw the papers down and stood up. He walked out of the room, hearing Arnold laughing behind him. 

“He knew you’d come!” Arnold called after him right before Aaron slammed the door shut and set off down the hallway. He ignored the inmates’ yells and was barely aware of Prentiss struggling to keep up. He knew exactly where he was going. 

Aaron stalked into the warden’s office and walked forward and slammed his hands down onto his desk, startling the man into spilling his coffee. 

“Why the hell wasn’t the FBI informed that one of your inmates has been receiving film negatives of me?” he demanded before the man had a chance to recover. 

The warden’s eyes widened and he set his mug down. “I wasn’t aware, Agent Hotchner,” he said, rising to his feet. “They must have slipped through, we’ll look into it immediately—”

“You better the hell look into it immediately!” Aaron shouted and turned to storm out and almost ran over Prentiss in the doorway. 

“Sir—”

“We’re leaving,  _ now _ ,” Hotch said, pulling out his cell phone to call the pilots back to the plane. After he’d done that, he called Morgan to check on the status of the case, and upon being told that their unsub was dead, explained everything he’d just found. “Tell Rossi,” he instructed. “And  _ make sure _ that house is guarded!”

* * *

Even though he called Spencer once every hour the entire journey home, Aaron couldn’t allow himself to relax in the slightest until he was at the front door and the younger man was standing in front of him. Aaron grabbed him in a hug which Spencer allowed for a few moments before pulling away. 

“Now tell me what this is about,” Spencer said. Aaron had been scarce with the details and more interested in confirming that he was still alive. 

“Foyet has been watching us for months,” Aaron said. “The man I was interviewing, Foyet has been sending him articles and photos, pictures of you and me, some from before that article was published. And from the looks of it, he’s the one who took that picture.”

Spencer turned pale. “He’s been—watching?”

Aaron nodded. 

“How closely?”

Aaron hesitated, but the stubborn look that came into Spencer’s eyes as soon as he saw the pause made him realize that secret keeping wasn’t going to help. “There were pictures from your sermons,” he said. “If he took them, he was in the church. And there are some through the window at my apartment.”

“Any of, y’know?”

Aaron shook his head. “I don’t think we ever left the blinds open.”

Spencer nodded absently. 

“Prentiss and Morgan are going now to figure out where the ones in the apartment were taken,” Aaron said. “And Garcia is seeing if there’s a way to tell where they were developed.”

“And you?”

“I’m staying right here,” Aaron said. 

Spencer frowned. “Is the risk any greater today than it was yesterday?” he asked. 

“There’s no way to tell that—”

Spencer gestured to the police car on the street. “I have that officer sitting out front, do I really need you here too?”

Aaron felt a rush of embarrassment. “I thought you’d want…”

Spencer blew out a breath. “Of course I…but I still needed time to think, to figure out what’s going on, how I’m even feeling…I mean, I’m torn between wanting to ride your cock and wanting to knee you in the balls.”

Aaron almost choked at the language and then he realized a second later that Father James was standing in the entryway and he  _ did _ choke. 

Spencer was scowling, then he frowned in confusion, and when he realized that Aaron was focusing on something behind him he whirled around. His hands shot to his mouth. 

Father James, for his part, looked mildly shocked but more amused. “Ah, if you’d like to come inside, Mr. Hotchner?” he offered. 

Aaron cleared his throat. “If Spencer’s okay with that,” he said. 

Spencer turned back to look at him. He was bright red. He nodded. 

Father James led them into the kitchen and gestured for Aaron to sit down at the small breakfast table. When Spencer didn’t follow, Father James raised an eyebrow at him and they had a silent conversation before Spencer glowered and sat down across from him. 

“There’s coffee from this morning,” Father James said. “You could reheat that, but I doubt it’s any good by this time of day. Feel free to make more if you’d like, or help yourself to anything in the kitchen.” He started to leave, then paused and turned back. “And Spencer, my boy, please try to be polite.”

Aaron rubbed his mouth to hide the amused smile at seeing Spencer, quite literally, slump in his chair and sulk. But when the sulk turned into a glare and turned on him, the smile vanished. 

“So now there’s a crazy psychopath who’s been stalking us,” Spencer said. 

Aaron nodded. 

Spencer sat up straight, the moment of childish slumping gone, and clasped his hands together on the table. “And this crazy psychopath knows that that entire— _ thing _ —was a lie, and could at any time decide to come kill me because it would hurt you.”

Aaron sighed. “Yes.”

Spencer bowed his head and lifted his hands to his forehead and Aaron could see they were shaking. “I’m still ready to face this with you,” he said. “But I’m scared.”

Aaron swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know,” he said, trying to keep his voice gentle. “And I know that you and I…I know there’s still a lot to work out between us before we’re okay.” Spencer nodded. “But right now my only goal is keeping you safe and finding Foyet.”

Spencer glanced up and smiled slightly. “Your only goal?” he asked. 

“Well,” Aaron said. “My most important goal.”

Spencer bit his lip, then held out one of his hands, palm up, on the table. When Aaron hesitated, Spencer lifted his eyes and looked at him. Aaron reached out and covered Spencer’s hand with his own and squeezed. Spencer tightened his grip in response and rubbed his thumb over the back of Aaron’s hand. 

“I’m sorry I’m being so spastic,” Spencer said. 

Aaron said nothing. 

“It’s just, I’m having trouble figuring out what I’m feeling and thinking and now there’s been a killer sitting in my sermons and taking pictures of me and I think I’ve gone into overdrive a little.”

“We have more definitive evidence of a threat against you,” Aaron said. “The option of witness protection might be—”

“No,” Spencer said. 

“Spencer—”

“No, Aaron, listen to me. If I went into witness protection, I’d be alone. I wouldn’t be able to reach out and connect with others, I don’t think I could stand that. Not unless you went in with me, and I don’t think that’s a choice.”

Aaron sighed. “No, it’s not.”

“So we’ll do our best to keep me safe,” Spencer said. “I know what he looks like, there’s an officer out there, it’ll be okay.”

Aaron shifted uncomfortably. Spencer didn’t know what Foyet was like. He gripped his hand tighter. 

“Aaron,” Spencer said softly.

Aaron looked at him. 

“You’re, ah, hurting me.”

“Oh!” Aaron said and immediately let go, pulling his hand away. Spencer reached out and grabbed him before he could withdraw completely and held Aaron’s hand in both of his, gently guiding him back. He lifted Aaron’s fingers and kissed his knuckles, then sighed and bowed his head. “What should I do?” he asked, and Aaron could hear the fear in his voice. 

Aaron lifted his other hand and pressed it to the side of Spencer’s head and stroked his hair. “We’ll keep this house guarded,” he said. “Just don’t go anywhere without telling someone first—me, or your officer. And you can’t go anywhere alone.”

Spencer nodded and he was silent for a long time, turning his head to look out the window. Aaron watched him look around the yard, then shift his gaze to the table and the kitchen. He seemed to decide something. 

“I think I should…” Spencer began, then stopped and shook his head. 

“What?”

Spencer wouldn’t look at him. “I think I should move back in with you,” he said. 

Aaron’s heart nearly stopped for a moment. “You…”

“But not for us,” Spencer said. “Only because I don’t want to put Father James at any risk. I can’t stay here, he’s always been so kind to me and I can’t justify bringing that kind of danger to his home.”

Aaron let out a shaky breath. “Okay,” he said.

“You wouldn’t mind?”

Aaron laughed shortly. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s more than I was hoping for.”

“It doesn’t mean…”

“I know,” Aaron said. 

Spencer lifted Aaron’s fingers to his mouth and kissed them again and closed his eyes. He tilted his head into Aaron’s touch. 

Aaron cleared his throat. “Earlier, you said there was something else you wanted to talk about, but not on the phone?”

Spencer shook his head. “Not right now,” he murmured.

“Okay,” Aaron said. 

Spencer sighed. “I should go tell Father James that I’m leaving.”

“Do you want me to…”

Spencer bit his lip. “If you could stay…it shouldn’t take me more than an hour to pack.”

“I’ll wait,” Aaron said. 

Spencer waited a few more moments, holding Aaron’s hand tightly, before he sighed and let go and stood up. He walked through the kitchen into what looked like a living room from the little Aaron could see of it. Aaron heard quiet voices. He turned to look outside, trying not to overhear. Bitter, day-old coffee suddenly sounded like just the thing. 

* * *

Aaron was still sitting at the table looking outside, sipping the coffee and watching the sky grow darker when Father James came into the kitchen and sat down at the table across from him. 

“Father…” Aaron said. “I…”

Father James held his hand up. “You know that Spencer never really had a father, and I’ve tried my best to be there for him. And he’s a brilliant young man, but he’s very lost right now. You need to know that.”

Aaron nodded, keeping his eyes on the table. “Is it…it’s my fault, isn’t it,” he said. 

“Not…entirely,” Father James said. “Though I would say that yes, you are the cause of most of it.”

Aaron scowled and it made Father James chuckle. 

“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” the priest said. “I know you’re trying to do what’s best for both of you. But, ah, if I could make a suggestion…”

Aaron looked up. 

“He fears abandonment. His father, his mother, his church, you… Just know that the next time you leave, you’ll lose him.”

Aaron nodded. “I know,” he said, his voice tight. 

“Oh…” came a voice from Aaron’s left. He and Father James both turned to see Spencer standing in the doorway. “I’ll um, I’ll let you talk,” he said. 

“Nonsense,” Father James said, and waved him over. He stood. “You’re finished packing?”

Spencer nodded.

Father James hugged him. “I still expect to see you sometimes,” he said. “Alright?”

“Alright,” Spencer said. “Thank you so much, for everything.”

Father James smiled. “It was my pleasure,” he said. 

Aaron rose and Father James walked them as far as the entryway before saying his farewell and heading down the hallway. 

Aaron looked at Spencer, who looked back. He was holding a single duffle bag and had his messenger bag slung over his shoulder. 

“Ready?” Aaron asked. 

“Not yet,” Spencer said. He set the duffle down and then straightened and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s waist. Within moments they were locked in a kiss that was hard, desperate, longing, and as soon as he recovered from his shock, Aaron’s arms wrapped around Spencer and he held onto him as tightly as he was able. His heart throbbed with a mix of pain and joy, because he knew there was still so much hurt between them, but Spencer still loved him, despite all the odds, and they would make it through this. They  _ had _ to make it through this. 

Spencer was the first one to pull away. He picked up his bag and Aaron opened the door. Spencer paused on the front porch and took a deep breath. “I’m still…” he said. 

“I know,” Aaron said. “Come on, the officer will follow us home.”


	20. Chapter 20

Aaron followed Spencer into the apartment and lingered at the door after he locked it and keyed in the alarm’s code, giving the younger man a few moments to adjust. Spencer took a deep breath and took a few steps forward, looking around. He set his bag down and hugged one arm across his chest as he walked up to the table and looked down at it. Aaron followed slowly behind him. 

Spencer touched his fingers to the table and a strange look went across his face. “At the time I never would have thought…” he said softly.

Aaron came up next to him. “At the time?”

Spencer swallowed. “The last time we were together, it was here. You asked me to come home instead of going to wait for Nathan.”

Aaron cast his mind back to that day. When he’d realized that Spencer had been hearing confession from a sexual sadist he’d been gripped with fear and become desperate to have Spencer in his arms. They hadn’t even made it to the bed. And Spencer was right, it was also the last time they’d been together. 

“I hadn’t even realized…” Aaron said. 

Spencer laughed shortly. “A lot happened after that. I wouldn’t expect you to remember.”

“No, but…” Aaron reached out and brushed his fingers over Spencer’s arm. “You do.”

“Of course I remember,” Spencer said. He flinched away. 

Aaron lowered his arm. “I wouldn’t have believed it, either.”

Spencer didn’t answer. 

“I guess it just…goes to show how much you need to take advantage of the time you have with the people you love,” Aaron said. “You never know when…”

Spencer looked at him. His eyes were bright. “When what?” he asked. “When the person you love makes you leave because he doesn’t want you anymore?”

Aaron’s eyes widened. “No!” he said, resisting the urge to grab Spencer’s shoulders and shake him. “That wasn’t it!”

Spencer took a step back, like he could see what Aaron wanted to do. “Well what does it look like?” he demanded. “You were perfectly content to keep me around while you needed help but as soon as you realized you might never have sex again you made me leave!”

Aaron tried to interrupt, to explain that no,  _ no, _ that wasn’t it, but Spencer kept going. 

“I know what you said and I know you believe it was to keep me safe, but Aaron, you came to find me in the middle of the night after a wet dream! How am I supposed to believe that it was to keep me safe when you want me back as soon as your cock is functional again? How am I supposed to believe that you care about anything except—except—” Spencer turned away and pressed the back of his hand to his mouth, grabbing the chair with his other hand when he stumbled. 

Aaron no longer cared if Spencer wanted to be touched. He stepped forward and grabbed him from behind and pulled him to his chest in a tight hug. As soon as he did Spencer crumpled. Aaron caught him and lowered to the floor and knelt, holding him. Spencer slumped forward and started sobbing. 

“I’m so sorry,” Aaron said through his own tears. “I can’t tell you how much I wish I had never hurt you. Everything I did, I thought I was doing what was best, but I was so wrong and if I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, then I will. Sex with you is—is one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced, but I would give it up forever if you needed me to, because loving you and knowing that you love me is even more amazing. Because I do, I love you so much it hurts, and I would rather have you and never be able to touch you again than have you be gone.” He stopped, breathing heavily, almost shocked himself at the outpour. 

Spencer’s shoulders were still shaking. He held one of his hands over his face and swore and pulled away. 

Aaron felt like his heart was breaking when Spencer rose to his feet and walked away, but then the younger man stopped and turned and looked down at him. “If you don’t follow me right now, I swear I might never have the courage to do this again.”

Aaron was on his feet in a heartbeat, worried and confused, and he followed Spencer through the apartment and into the bedroom. As soon as he was inside, Spencer stopped. Aaron stopped too, and then Spencer whirled around and grabbed his jacket and pushed him back, slamming him against the wall and claiming his mouth in a hard kiss. 

Aaron was frozen in shock for longer than he would have liked and by the time he felt he was in control of his body again Spencer’s hands had moved beneath the jacket to his shoulders and he was pushing it off. Aaron rolled his shoulders to help and opened his mouth to Spencer’s tongue, gasping as it slid along his. 

The jacket dropped to the floor and within seconds Spencer’s fingers were yanking at the knot in his tie until it was loose enough to be pulled off. 

Aaron tried to turn his head away. He knew he needed to say something, knew that Spencer was furious and upset and not in a stable mindset, but oh god, it felt so good to be kissed with that hunger again. When Spencer was the one who stepped back, Aaron felt like the entire room had tilted beneath him. “Spencer—”

“Take those off,” Spencer said shortly, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it away. He started to push his pants down. 

“Are you sure you—” Aaron started to say, stepping forward. 

Spencer whirled on him and grabbed his shoulders and shoved him back up against the wall. “I said  _ take them off, _ ” he said, voice low, “Or I will do it for you.”

Aaron’s heart was beating so hard he couldn’t tell if it was from excitement or fear or a mix of both. He cursed the buttons on his shirt as he undid them, finishing when Spencer finished undressing completely. With shaking hands, he pushed his pants down and kicked them away. 

Spencer stepped back in as soon as he was naked and their bodies slid together. Spencer put his hand on the back of Aaron’s neck and kissed him again, and there was nothing careful at all about the motion. Spencer was forceful, demanding, and Aaron never even thought about resisting. When Spencer’s fingers wrapped around their cocks and held them together, Aaron exhaled harshly. Spencer took his lower lip between his teeth and pulled as he started moving his hand. 

Aaron couldn’t help himself as he pushed forward. He wrapped his arms around Spencer and held him tightly, because it was getting difficult to focus on the kiss as Spencer’s fingers moved over him. He was hard in less than a minute and Spencer had been hard to begin with. Aaron’s head fell back against the wall and Spencer’s mouth moved to his neck, sucking and biting. 

Aaron didn’t know how long it lasted, Spencer pinning him against the wall and making mark after mark up and down his throat while he rubbed their lengths together. Just as Aaron thought he wouldn’t be able to last any longer Spencer’s hand lifted away and he was left gasping, trying to pull back from the edge he was teetering over. 

Spencer bit down on his collar, making Aaron yelp and jump. “Get in the bed,” Spencer said in a low voice, stepping back far enough for Aaron to get by. “On your knees.”

Aaron didn’t even think about disobeying. He walked to the bed and crawled on top, getting on his knees and lowering his head down to the mattress. He used his arms to support himself, heart racing, and his breath hitched with nervous anticipation. 

He felt Spencer climb behind him after grabbing something from the nightstand drawer. Within moments, a lubed finger was pressing at him and he groaned as it slid in. It moved in and out, and after several strokes, a second one pressed in beside it. Spencer was quick to add a third and he took the longest with those. Aaron forced himself to relax. 

And then the fingers were gone and hands were gripping his waist, one of them still slick, and Aaron held his breath. Spencer’s cock rubbed up and down his ass for a few moments before just the tip was pressing against him. The hold on his waist tightened and Spencer shoved forward. 

Aaron clenched the sheets and ground his teeth against the cry that threatened to come out his mouth and moaned instead. He heard Spencer make a strange sound, almost like choking, but he didn’t have enough time to analyze it before the other man bent over him and began slamming his hips into his body. 

Spencer’s movements were fast and hard and rough and all Aaron could do was hang on. His own cock was straining with the need to be touched but he resisted, instead concentrating on the noises Spencer was making and the way it felt to have him buried inside. 

Suddenly it all stopped and Spencer was out. Aaron froze in confusion and fear and then the hand that grabbed his shoulder and made him roll over onto his back answered his questions. Spencer moved between his legs and pushed in again and leaned forward, taking Aaron’s mouth in another kiss. 

Aaron spread his legs and lifted his hips so he could grab Spencer around the shoulders and pull him closer and kissed back just as desperately. His hand found the other man’s hair and he held on, meeting every one of Spencer’s thrusts with his body. He found himself groaning with every push and before long, Spencer was covered in sweat and making quiet, vulnerable sounds. Aaron kissed him for as long as he could before Spencer bowed his head with exhaustion and then Aaron just held him tightly. He could already tell that tomorrow he was going to  _ hurt _ , but he held on. 

And then, to both his shock and relief, Spencer’s fingers slid between their bodies and wrapped around his cock. Aaron sobbed at the touch and strained and moments later he was coming. He dimly heard himself shout Spencer’s name as his entire body pushed up from the mattress with the tension and ecstasy that shot through his muscles. He crashed back down with a shudder. 

Spencer was still moving on top of him so Aaron kept his hips lifted into the air. His lover—his  _ lover _ —was close. His whole body was taut and his breath was becoming ragged. Aaron had no warning except for the bite that suddenly sank into his shoulder moments before Spencer shoved in and held there, frozen. Aaron held him as close as he could. 

When Spencer came down from the orgasm he did so with a sobbing gasp and he collapsed onto Aaron, causing Aaron to also fall completely to the mattress. Spencer pulled out and hid his face in the crook of Aaron’s shoulder, catching his breath. Aaron slowly stroked his hair, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what had just happened. 

Gradually their breathing slowed and Spencer rolled away slightly, still staying mostly on top of Aaron but moving to a more comfortable position. He whispered something. 

“Mm?” Aaron had to ask. 

Spencer lifted his head. “I said, I didn’t mean to do that.”

Aaron laughed shortly. “You seemed pretty determined.”

Spencer lowered his head back down. “I meant to sleep on the couch tonight, and then I meant to calmly discuss all of that in the morning.”

“We discussed something in there?” Aaron asked dryly. 

“I mean about the sex, about—about what I was worried about,” Spencer said. 

“I know,” Aaron said. He continued to pet Spencer’s head. “If you still want to sleep on the couch…”

“Fuck you,” Spencer said, but it wasn’t mean-spirited. “All I want to do right now is somehow get under the covers and go to sleep.”

Aaron considered that. He could feel Spencer’s cum dripping out of him and his own was on both of their chests. “We should shower and put the blanket in the laundry first,” he said. 

“Fuck you,” Spencer repeated.

Aaron smiled. “Under the covers and sleep it is,” he said.  


* * *

Aaron woke up before his alarm the next morning and the first thing he felt was the soreness that had settled over his muscles. He suppressed a groan and opened his eyes. Spencer was lying next to him, curled on his side, holding his arms close to his chest. His was breathing softly and evenly and his hair had fallen partially over his face. Aaron reached out and brushed it back, tucking it as best he could behind his ear. 

Spencer opened his eyes sleepily and looked at him. Aaron paused, not sure if he was welcome or not, but Spencer turned his face into the touch and shifted closer. Aaron curled his arm around Spencer’s chest and touched their foreheads together. “Are you okay?” he asked quietly. 

“Mm. Maybe.”

“Do you want to shower first, or should I?”

“Just wait a while.”

Aaron closed his eyes and they lay quietly together. After a few minutes, Spencer uncurled and slid his leg between Aaron’s and wrapped an arm around his waist. He made a sleepy noise that Aaron couldn’t decipher. 

“Did you sleep okay?” he asked. 

“Better than in a while,” Spencer answered. 

“Can I get anything for breakfast?”

“Aaron.” Spencer opened one eye. “I don’t need you to look after my every want.”

“But I want to,” Aaron said. 

“Then I want to just enjoy this for a little longer,” Spencer said. 

Aaron quieted and focused on running his hand up and down Spencer’s side. Spencer sighed softly and tucked his head against Aaron’s shoulder. 

Aaron found himself tracing patterns with his fingers on Spencer’s back. He could tell from the breathing that Spencer wasn’t asleep but his body felt relaxed. Aaron tried his best to enjoy the moment but knew that any minute his alarm would go off and they would have to get up and one of them would shower and then Spencer would be dressed with his shields up, and then Aaron would have to leave for work and might not see him for weeks and how was he supposed to concentrate on a case when he knew Spencer was alone with nothing more than a self-installed alarm system and a marked car out front to guard him—

“Aaron,” Spencer murmured.

“Hm?”

“Your pulse just sped up,” Spencer said. 

“Worrying,” Aaron said with a humorless laugh. 

“About me?”

“Yeah.”

Spencer kissed his neck. “Please don’t,” he said. Then he made a contemplative noise. 

“What?” Aaron asked. 

“Your neck,” Spencer said. “Sorry.”

“My neck?”

Spencer shifted back to free his arm and traced a finger down the side of Aaron’s neck. He hissed. The skin felt raw. “I’ve never wanted to do that before,” Spencer said. 

“What does it look like?” Aaron asked, trying to think of what he could wear. 

“Well…”

The alarm went off. Spencer sat up and reached over Aaron to turn silence it. 

Aaron groaned. “I guess I’ll find out,” he said, and rolled onto his back. “Okay, you or me shower first?”

“I’ll go,” Spencer said, and climbed out of bed. Aaron watched him disappear into the bathroom and buried his head in his pillow once the door had closed. What on earth were they doing? This had to be all kinds of emotionally damaging and there was absolutely no way it was a proper coping technique for what they were going through. 

Spencer came out of the bathroom about ten minutes later naked and toweling his hair. Aaron heaved a sigh and got up. He took a step and stopped, wincing. Walking and sitting were going to be difficult today. Would Advil even help that?

Spencer noticed the wince and glanced at him. “Sorry,” he said.

“No you’re not,” Aaron said. 

Spencer smiled faintly. “No,” he said. “I’m not.”

Aaron got the first look at his neck as soon as he closed the door and he was startled by the sight. There was a whole trail of dark bruising up and down the side, stretching from his jaw to his collar. He swore under his breath. No shirt was going to cover that up. No  _ scarf _ was going to cover that up, or at least, not one that he would be able to get away with wearing. If he could get into his office without attracting attention…if he walked backwards past the bullpen so that side of his neck would be to the wall… Aaron had the urge to smack his palm to his forehead but he restrained and got into the shower.

When Aaron was toweled off, shaved, and dressed he found Spencer in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee, wearing boxers and one of Aaron’s old college sweatshirts. Spencer handed him the mug and pushed forward a bowl of oatmeal.

“Are we okay?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer shrugged and kept his gaze on the counter. “It feels natural to be here,” he said. “I didn’t think it would.”

Aaron regarded him as he began eating. “That isn’t what I asked.”

“I don’t know the answer to what you asked.”

Aaron sighed. The shields were definitely back up. All he could do was keep his lowered and wait for Spencer to come to him. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said quietly. “I didn’t have nightmares last night.”

Spencer’s gaze snapped up to him. Aaron continued to eat in the silence while Spencer regarded him and thought. 

Finally Spencer asked, “What did you think would happen, when you published that story?”

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer looked back down and traced a pattern along the counter. “You thought that you would push me away and trick Foyet. But what did you think was going to happen after you caught him and I still believed you were having an affair?”

Aaron sighed. “I didn’t think that far ahead. I just wanted you safe and as far away as possible.”

Spencer laughed shortly. “What were you going to do if I wouldn’t come back?”

“I don’t know,” Aaron said. “I didn’t let myself think about it.”

“You did really fabulously without me, didn’t you,” Spencer said. “Morgan’s the team leader, and the barcode on your scotch bottle is different from both the one you had on the table, which was brand new, and the one you had in the cabinet. That means you’ve gone through at least two bottles in a matter of months, which means your average rate of drinking increased by—”

“Spencer,” Aaron interrupted. “I—I don’t have time for this right now.”

“Right,” Spencer said. “Of course.”

Aaron finished the oatmeal and leaned across the counter and kissed Spencer quickly. “When I get home, I promise.” He downed the rest of the coffee and stood up, allowing himself to wince one more time. 

Spencer was resting his head in his hand, watching him. “You know that shirt doesn’t hide…”

“I know,” Aaron said, unable to keep the laugh out of his voice. 

“Rossi’s going to love it.”

“He is,” Aaron agreed. Spencer smiled at him and he smiled back, then walked around into the kitchen instead of heading to the door. 

Spencer turned around so his back was to the counter and rested his elbows on it. Aaron cupped his face in his hands and kissed him. Spencer’s hands circled his waist and Aaron stayed there long after the timer in his head told him he needed to leave. Spencer was the one who finally lifted a hand to his chest and pulled back. “You’ll be late,” he said. 

Aaron sighed and kissed him once more before touching their foreheads together. “Tell me you know I love you,” he said. 

“I know you do,” Spencer said. 

“While I’m gone,” Aaron said, “I want you to think of every reason you’re angry at me. And then you can tell me all of them and I’ll start doing whatever I have to do to make up for them.”

Spencer considered that for a moment and then nodded. 

“Good,” Aaron said.

“Go to work,” Spencer said. “Call me if you get a case.”

“I will,” Aaron said. He pulled away reluctantly, already dreading what Rossi was going to say. 

* * *

Aaron, being late, had to deal with walking through a full bullpen. He came up with the solution of holding his cell phone to his ear, talking to absolutely no one, and letting his arm fall over his neck at just the right angle to cover most of the bruising and got all the way to his office without any second glances. He even managed to avoid having to say good morning to anyone because of the “conversation.” 

Aaron closed his office door behind him and closed his phone with a relieved sigh. He walked over to his desk and sat down, counting down the seconds in his head until Rossi showed up. 

Rossi was about two minutes late and Aaron was starting to wonder if he was even here today when the door opened. Aaron rested his chin in his hand, twisting his hand back to cover his neck, and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

Rossi raised an eyebrow in response. “You okay?” he asked. “I heard the officer was relocated to your apartment.”

“Spencer moved back in with me,” Aaron said.

“That was fast,” Rossi said. 

Aaron just looked at him. 

“Well,” Rossi said, peering, “I just wanted to see if you were alright. I assume he did it to keep Father James out of the Foyet mess.”

“That’s right,” Aaron said. 

“You know I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sit like that.” 

Aaron glared. It would have worked on anyone but Rossi. Rossi, the infuriating ass that he was, just took a step closer and tried to get a better look. 

Aaron decided it was like a band-aid. Just get it done with. He lowered his hand. 

Rossi’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow.” 

Aaron waved his hand. “Go on, get it out of your system.” 

“He must have been pissed,” Rossi said. 

“Do you really have to profile?”

“It doesn’t take profiling to tell that a natural sub had to be pissed to do that,” Rossi said matter-of-factly. 

“It’s profiling to decide that he’s a natural sub,” Aaron said. 

Rossi just gave him a look and Aaron scowled. 

“I’ll ask again,” Rossi said. “Are you okay?”

“You seem to ask me that a lot,” Aaron said. 

Rossi shrugged. “You seem to need it a lot.”

Aaron glanced out the window into the bullpen and his voice got softer. “He has his shields up but he isn’t pushing me away,” he said. “It just needs time.”

“Alright,” Rossi said. “Just keep in mind that sometimes swallowing your pride and sleeping on the couch is the right choice.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

“Ah—there, see?” Rossi said. “You don’t believe me. But trust me, it’ll happen, and you’ll go without a fight, and then you’ll thank me.”

“I told him to make a list of every reason he’s mad at me while I’m at work today,” Aaron said. “So he can read it off to me when I get home and get it off his chest.”

Rossi smirked. “Couch night, for sure.”


	21. Chapter 21

Aaron met with the rest of team later in the day. He walked into the conference room last and sat down, carefully, and immediately opened the folder set at his chair. “Yes, I’m aware,” he said before any of them could say anything about his neck. “Now let’s move on.” 

“Okay,” Morgan said. “We found the apartment that the pictures were taken from. Guy said a photographer offered to pay him $50 to use his window because it had the exact angle of the street he needed. He was able to ID Foyet as the photographer.”

“And the warden at Red Onion State called this morning,” Garcia said. “They aren’t sure which envelopes the negatives came in, or even if they did come in an envelope. But they have a record of every piece of incoming mail and the return addresses and I’ve searched all of them and got zilch, except that one of the names doesn’t exist and the address was phony.”

“Where did the address say it was from?” Aaron asked.

“Virginia,” Garcia said. “Not too far from here. But the street and house don’t exist.”

“And is there any way to find out where the film was developed?”

“Not yet, sir,” Garcia said. “I’m still looking into it.”

“Where does that leave us on finding him?” Aaron asked, already knowing what the answer was. 

Garcia still sounded reluctant. “Absolutely nowhere.”

“We’re still tracking his medications and his known aliases,” Morgan said. “No hits yet.”

“We’re not going to find him until he wants to be found, are we,” Prentiss said. 

There was an uncomfortable silence. 

“Thinking like that certainly won’t help,” Aaron said, closing the folder. “Everyone slips eventually, we just need to keep watching.”

“And if he doesn’t slip before he decides to make his move?”

No one answered that. 

* * *

Aaron tried his best not to leave too early, but he still managed to finish his paperwork much faster than he otherwise would. He even lingered around JJ’s office for a while asking her about possible new cases that might be crossing her desk before she shooed him out. But the end of the day arrived, he was still in Virginia, and he had two choices right now: go home, or go visit the only other member of the BAU who was still here. Rossi. 

Aaron strongly suspected that Rossi was staying late to make sure that  _ he _ wouldn’t. He wasn’t about to let the older man call him a coward, or say something that would snarkily imply it. The last thing he wanted to hear right now was a well-timed witticism about his balls. So home he went. 

Spencer was inside sitting on one of the breakfast stools. His only reaction to Aaron’s entrance was to move his eyes towards him in what  _ might _ be considered a greeting. Other than that, he stayed still. 

“How—” Aaron started to ask. 

“Reason number one,” Spencer said, straightening and turning to face him. “You made me leave after you asked me to stay.”

Aaron winced and walked past him into the bedroom to set down his bag and take off his jacket. He walked back out.

“Reason two, you made me leave because of something you were scared to learn about yourself. Reason three, you  _ said _ it was to keep me safe.” Spencer held up his hand to silence Aaron’s protest. “Reason four, you actually  _ believe _ it was to keep me safe. You said you’d listen,” he said when Aaron tried to protest again. 

“Can I get a drink and listen from the couch?” Aaron ventured. 

Spencer raised an eyebrow at him. “If you pour me one too,” he said. 

“What about eating dinner?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer glared at him. 

“Drinking hard alcohol on an empty stomach wouldn’t be good for me,” Aaron pointed out. 

“Fine,” Spencer relented. 

“Thank you,” Aaron said. He felt the daggers on his back as he rummaged through the fridge and pulled out a plate of leftovers. “Do you want any?”

“I ate,” Spencer said. 

Aaron put the plate in the microwave. “How was your day?”

“I spent it thinking of reasons I’m angry with you,” Spencer snapped. “How do you think it was?”

“Fair enough,” Aaron said. When the microwave beeped he pulled the plate out and leaned on the counter across from the other man and started eating. “Would it help if I offered to sleep on the couch tonight?”

Spencer looked surprised. “I…actually, yes, I would appreciate that.” He paused and then added in a softer voice, “Thank you, Aaron.”

_ David Rossi one, Aaron Hotchner zero, _ Aaron thought. Not like he was ever going to tell Rossi that. Still, it had softened the look on Spencer’s face considerably, and he was grateful. He ate in silence with Spencer watched and when he was finished he stalled by loading the dishwasher.

But eventually the number of things to clean ran out and Aaron had to go hunting in his liquor cabinet for the amaretto. He’d shoved it to the back when Spencer left, hated even the sight of that damn bottle, but now it was something to be carefully handled. He poured a drink for Spencer, a drink for himself, and then they both sat down on opposite ends of the couch. 

“Reason five?” Aaron asked softly. 

Spencer took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Reason five,” he said. “Having me move out was not enough. You had to publish a story about me moving out and you having an affair. Reason six, you lied to me.” 

Aaron sat and listened quietly to every reason Spencer had to be angry with him. It was a long list. He felt a few of them were exaggerations (like the reason that he was the cause of Spencer accidentally swearing in front of Father James), but he wasn’t about to point that out right now. He sipped at his scotch and nodded frequently. And then Spencer said something that shocked him. 

“The last reason,” Spencer said, his voice suddenly getting much quieter, “Is that you made me leave and that left you alone, right when you needed someone the most, and you didn’t take care of yourself. I love you, and you hurt yourself. I can’t even describe how much it hurts to see that you’re in pain, knowing that I could have helped if you’d just let me stay.”

Aaron’s breath caught. “Spencer…”

Spencer downed the rest of his drink and stood up, looking a little hazy. “And those are all my reasons,” he said.

Aaron rose and tried to help him, but Spencer pushed him off and went into the bedroom and closed the door. 

Aaron stared at the door and then resigned himself to a night on the couch in the boxers he was wearing and a blanket from the hall closet. 

* * *

Aaron was woken up in the middle of the night by a hand on his shoulder. He scowled first—it had taken him how long to get comfortable enough on the cushions that seemed to want to slide everywhere—then blinked open his eyes. “Spence?” he muttered, staring at the fuzzy dark shape in front of him. He blinked again. 

“This is stupid,” Spencer said. “And I’m still glad you offered. But come to bed.”

Aaron sat up, rubbing his face. 

“It’s like you said,” Spencer continued. “We should spend as much time with the people we care about as possible. You could get called out on a case tomorrow and get killed. So, come to bed.”

“Can I play that card whenever you’re mad at me?” Aaron asked. “I might go out on a case tomorrow and get killed?”

“You can try,” Spencer said. “I can’t guarantee it will always work.”

Aaron followed Spencer into the bed and curled up gratefully behind him. He wrapped his arm around Spencer’s waist and pulled him flush. Spencer covered Aaron’s hand with his own and linked their fingers. 

“I missed this,” Spencer whispered.

“So did I,” Aaron said. He could feel sleep tugging at him and he sighed, settling into the pillow and relishing the feeling of a mattress and a warm body to share it with.

* * *

As luck would have it, Aaron did get called out on a case the following morning. He was gone for the next four days searching for a little girl who had gone missing, the second one in two weeks. The first one had wound up dead and they were determined to find this one before that happened.

Aaron was the one who found the basement door. He crept down the stairs with his gun and flashlight raised, as quietly as he could in case the unsub was down there with the girl, listening to them search his house. Aaron couldn’t see anyone in the basement so he lowered his gun slightly. There were still plenty of places for someone to hide. Keeping his back to the wall, he shone his light on every box. 

A noise came out from behind one of them and Aaron snapped to attention. He walked over and pushed the box aside with his foot. A little girl with tangled hair and huge eyes stared up at him, clutching a blanket to her chest. 

Aaron’s sigh of relief was audible. “Is he in here?” he asked the girl, moving his gun to the side. When she shook her head, Aaron holstered it. “I have her, in the basement,” he said into his radio. He knelt and picked the girl up and she wrapped her arms around his neck. 

“We found him,” came Prentiss’s answer. “Morgan’s chasing.”

Aaron walked up the stairs. JJ was at the top waiting for him and she held her arms out. Aaron handed the girl over and saw JJ’s eyes well up with tears as she hugged the child and carried her out to the waiting ambulance. The frantic parents would be here soon. 

Aaron heard shouting in the back and went out to see Morgan hauling the handcuffed man back by the scruff of his neck. Prentiss came up beside him to watch. 

“If only they all ended like this, huh?” she asked. 

Aaron could only nod and allow himself a faint smile. But they wouldn’t all end like this, which was why he needed to fix things with Spencer, as soon as possible. 

* * *

When Aaron got home that night, he didn’t give Spencer a chance to speak. He took the younger man firmly by the shoulders and walked him backwards and kissed him deeply. “Tell me what I have to do,” he said. “Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it, I was an idiot and I don’t want to be apart from you anymore.”

Spencer’s response was to pull him back into the kiss and lead him into the bedroom. Aaron climbed on top of him and started to undress and explore his lover’s upper body with a care that left Spencer breathless. And it seemed good, it seemed so good, until Aaron went to Spencer’s neck and started to kiss. 

One moment he was focusing on Spencer’s pale skin, and the next Aaron felt a leg hook around his body and found himself on his back. The entire balance shifted and not long after that Spencer was shuddering inside of him and pulling out and Aaron was staring at the ceiling, panting, wondering what had just happened. Spencer pulled the covers up and curled up next to him.

Spencer changed after that. He and Aaron settled into the comfortable familiarity they had shared before Foyet and Aaron could at times trick himself into believing that everything between them was fine. But night after night, Spencer was the one who flipped Aaron onto his back or his stomach and pushed into him. If Aaron ever tried to touch Spencer’s neck or anywhere below his waist, Spencer stopped him immediately. 

That was what had happened earlier that night, and now Aaron was sitting in the living room swirling scotch around in a glass and watching the way the moonlight reflected on the liquid as it moved. He couldn’t sleep and he’d carefully crawled out of bed and come out here to think. 

He wanted to be with Spencer, and he thoroughly enjoyed being taken that way. Nor did he believe that their roles had to be fixed or that either of them “belonged” in one or the other. But…

But something wasn’t right. Spencer had always yielded to him, admitted more than once that he relished being held down and having Aaron inside him. So what was wrong?

Aaron frowned and gulped down some of the liquor. He knew exactly what was wrong. He just didn’t want to be facing it, because outside of the bedroom, everything felt right again, and he didn’t want to lose that again. But it needed to be addressed, sooner rather than later, before there was too much damage between them. 

Spencer didn’t trust him, was scared to allow Aaron the same kind of possession he’d previously held. Aaron didn’t know how to fix it, but he had to try. The way they were now was never going to make them happy.

Frustrated and confused, Aaron turned his thoughts to Jack and Haley. He missed his son and he wondered if Jack missed him too. He wondered if Jack ever asked about him or Spencer. Aaron had no idea where Jack and Haley were, only the assurance of the marshal assigned to them that they were far out of Foyet’s reach. After it became clear that Foyet was lingering in Virginia to watch Aaron and Spencer, they had been moved out of the state, and that was all Aaron knew. Better that way, but it still hurt.

He finished his glass and made a face. Work tomorrow, paperwork day. Then home, and then providing there were no new cases, an evening and weekend with Spencer. When he could ask Spencer why he didn’t trust him. 

Aaron winced. Bad question. He knew why Spencer didn’t trust him. He would ask what he needed to do to gain his trust back. 

“Aaron?”

Aaron looked up, feeling guilty and not sure why. 

“Are you okay?”

Aaron meant to say,  _ Yeah, just couldn’t sleep, _ but instead what he heard coming out of his mouth was, “No, I’m not.”

Spencer came over and sat next to him on the couch. “Do I need to ask why?”

_ Do you? _ Aaron wondered. He looked at Spencer, then lifted his hand and tried to curl it around Spencer’s neck. 

As soon as fingers touched skin, Spencer jerked away, raising his arm up defensively.

Aaron let his fingers hang in midair for another moment while he met Spencer’s eyes before letting his hand and his gaze fall back to his lap. “That’s why,” he said. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Spencer pull his legs up and hug his knees to his chest. 

“I’m not angry anymore,” Spencer said. “There’s no point. It’s exhausting.”

“Have you forgiven me?”

The pause before the answer was answer enough. “No,” Spencer finally said. 

Aaron nodded. “Why?”

“I don’t trust you,” Spencer said.

Aaron looked at him. “What can I do?”

Spencer shrugged, keeping his face lowered to his knees. 

Silence fell over them. Aaron ached to reach out and pull Spencer to him and hold him and soothe his pain away. But he waited. 

The minutes stretched on. Then Spencer uncurled and shifted and lay down with his head in Aaron’s lap. Aaron rested his hand on Spencer’s hair and pet, careful to avoid touching any part of his neck. 

“You’re the person I want to go to when I’m scared,” Spencer said. “But it’s you I’m afraid of.”

Aaron gazed across the room, allowing his eyes to unfocus while he thought. “You were brave enough to tell me that,” he said. 

“I want to be yours,” Spencer said. “But how do I know you won’t do something like this again?”

Aaron couldn’t quite stifle the bark of laughter. “Chances are I won’t get another psychopath like Foyet after me again,” he said. 

“But  _ if _ ,” Spencer pressed. 

“I thought I was doing the best thing,” Aaron said. “And now I know it wasn’t. If something like this ever happened again, I wouldn’t make the mistake of trying to hide you. I know you’re strong enough to face this with me.”

“You promise?”

“I swear.”

“And you know you were an idiot?”

“I know I was an idiot,” Aaron said. “You gave everything to help me and I didn’t do the same. I want to fix that now.”

“Okay,” Spencer whispered. 

Aaron waited a few minutes for the rest of his thoughts to settle into words. “I learned my lesson,” he said. “We both know how well I did without you. I never want to go through that again.”

Spencer reached back and caught Aaron’s hand and squeezed. “I’m still scared,” he said. 

“We’ll only do what you’re comfortable with. Whatever it takes for you to trust me again.”

Spencer turned his head to look up at Aaron. “Only what I’m comfortable with,” he said. 

Aaron brushed his fingers down the side of Spencer’s face. “Of course.”

Spencer sat up and turned sideways on the couch. Aaron twisted to face him and Spencer took his face gently in his hands and pulled him into a kiss. He lay back and Aaron followed and they moved together until they were stretched out, Aaron on top of Spencer, pressing their lips together. 

Aaron followed and mirrored Spencer’s moves and touches, never going anywhere or doing anything that the younger man didn’t do first. When Spencer’s hands started wandering up his shirt, Aaron sat up to let him pull it off. When he went to move his hands under Spencer’s, Spencer turned his head away. Aaron stopped, confused. His lover hadn’t minded that before. 

“What is it?”

Spencer licked his lips briefly. “Here’s the thing,” he said. “And I should have told you this weeks ago. It’s that thing I said I still needed to talk to you about but never did.”

Aaron remembered that and nodded. 

“I can’t forget you saying that you missed being with a woman,” Spencer said. “And I’m scared that you’ll be with me and you’ll realize that you don’t like being with men or that you’ll just be comparing me and I won’t be as good—”

Aaron cut him off by kissing him swiftly. “That won’t happen,” he said. 

“But you were with a woman for most of your life!” Spencer protested. “You were never sexually attracted to men before me, how—”

Aaron kissed him again. “Before you,” he said. “I was never sexually attracted to men before  _ you _ . But, I wasn’t even sexually attracted to other women except Haley.”

“Not even as a teenager?”

Aaron hesitated. “Well…”

“Come on, of course you were as a teenager.”

Aaron felt his face getting hot. “No. Not really, not the way most people are. I enjoyed looking at people, but…” He shrugged. “I thought there was something wrong with me before I met her.”

Spencer’s eyes widened. “Really?”

“Really,” Aaron said. “And then the same thing happened with you.” He tried again to touch Spencer and the other man squirmed uncomfortably. 

“What if it was a phase with me and you really do only like women and you remember that as soon as you…” Spencer gestured with one hand. “…With me again?”

Aaron stared at him. “That isn’t going to happen,” he said. 

“But how do you know?” Spencer asked, again turning his head away when Aaron tried to kiss him. 

Aaron huffed. “I have to prove to you that I’m attracted to your body?”

Spencer hesitated, then nodded. 

Aaron thought for a few moments. Seduce. He needed to seduce. He could do that. “Do you know what I’ve been wanting to do since you’ve been back?”

Spencer shook his head. 

Aaron leaned in closer so he could brush his lips against Spencer’s ear. “Suck you off,” he said in the lowest purr he could manage. He felt and heard Spencer’s breath hitch. He also felt Spencer growing hard against his thigh. 

“Really?” Spencer asked, his voice small. 

“Really,” Aaron said. He met Spencer’s eyes and very slowly moved his hand down his lover’s body while he spoke, keeping his voice calm and even. “I’ve missed touching you, missed being able to stroke you until you’re hard before kissing you all over. I’ve missed licking you up and down and sucking on you and feeling your hands in my hair, hearing you gasp while you come in my mouth.” He continued to watch Spencer’s face. The younger man’s eyes fluttered shut and his head tilted back while listening. Aaron allowed himself a pleased smirk when Spencer licked his lips. “And if you’ll let me,” he continued in the same low voice, “I’ll do that right now, touch you and suck you until you can’t take it and you explode, because I love everything about your body and I want to worship every part of it.”

“Aaron,” Spencer whispered, his eyes closed, pushing his hips up.

Aaron’s hand had made it all the way down to Spencer’s groin without the other man noticing. He squeezed gently and stroked once through the fabric of the sweatpants. Spencer made a startled sound. “Please let me do this,” Aaron whispered back. 

“Oh god,” Spencer managed. “But what if…”

Aaron took a chance and pressed his lips right under Spencer’s jaw and kissed. No sucking, no biting, not yet. He just licked and kissed the spot. “Do you remember how you would beg me?”

“Aaron…”

“And how good it felt?” Aaron continued, still moving his hand slowly over Spencer’s erection. “Don’t you want to feel that now?”

“I…”

Aaron scraped his teeth lightly over Spencer’s skin. “Let me do this for you, let me start making up for everything I’ve done to you.” He lifted his head and looked into Spencer’s wide eyes before kissing him, pouring everything he had into that single kiss, trying to convey everything he loved about Spencer with one touch. He pulled away. “I’ve caused you so much pain, please let me do something good instead.” He kissed each corner of Spencer’s mouth. “You remember how good I could make you feel…”

Spencer’s hips pressed up into his hand and his hand came up to grip Aaron’s shoulder. 

Aaron smiled. “Do you want me to?” He lifted his hand away. 

The loss of Aaron’s touch caused Spencer to finally give in. “Please,  _ yes _ ,” he begged, and grabbed Aaron and pulled him into a desperate kiss while Aaron began rubbing him again. He slid his hand below the sweatpants and wrapped his fingers around Spencer’s hardened length and heard his lover gasp. 

Aaron lowered into the kiss while he stroked, feeling Spencer’s heated flesh under his fingers for the first time in months and feeling gratitude and joy filling his chest. “Love you,” he murmured into the kiss before shifting his weight back and breaking the contact between their lips to move down Spencer’s body. 

Aaron didn’t waste any time teasing. He tugged at the waistband of Spencer’s pants and Spencer lifted his hips up so Aaron could pull them down. When his legs were free, Spencer let one slide off the couch and lifted his other knee, leaving himself completely open. He shifted back so he could rest against the arm and watch. 

Aaron settled himself between Spencer’s legs and took only a moment to admire the younger man before kissing the very tip and taking Spencer’s cock in hand. He began kissing and licking, moving up and down the entire length until he was certain he had paid due and equal attention to every inch of skin. 

Spencer’s breath was coming in short gasps by that point. Aaron glanced up at him and saw his lover completely transfixed and moving his mouth silently. He pressed his face to Spencer’s cock and rubbed, careful to avoid the stubble on his jaw, closing his eyes to lose himself in the moment. Spencer’s fingers came to rest lightly against his cheek. 

“Aaron,” Spencer said in a voice that was tight with arousal. “Oh… _ oh! _ ”

Aaron brought Spencer’s cock between his lips and circled his tongue around the head before sucking further. Spencer’s fingers moved from his cheek to the top of his head. He dipped his head down and back up and was rewarded with a delicious moan. 

“Yes,” Spencer breathed, his fingers tightening in Aaron’s hair. “Yes, like that…”

Aaron did like that and better. He drew the experience out, wanting to savor it for as long as possible and also wanting to prolong Spencer’s pleasure. If this was his chance to show his lover that he wanted him, he wasn’t going to blow it. Every trick he’d ever learned was played, every favorite spot he’d ever found was exploited, and every minute that ticked by brought more gasps and moans from Spencer. 

Aaron ignored when his jaw started to ache and his hand began to feel cramped and focused on the way Spencer’s hips were beginning to lift off the couch. It was the sign he’d been waiting for and he sped up the rhythm of his hand and sucked and moments later, Spencer sobbed above him and shot into his mouth. 

Aaron stilled and closed his eyes, breathing carefully through his nose between swallows. He loved  _ every _ part of Spencer and he was going to prove it. He didn’t let go until Spencer’s body went limp. He lifted his head and wiped the back of his hand across his lips, looking up at his panting lover. He crawled back up and pressed his hand to the side of Spencer’s face. 

At first, Spencer flinched and Aaron drew his hand back, his heart falling, but then Spencer looked at him and stilled. His eyes searched Aaron’s face and then he grabbed Aaron and pulled him down into a crushing embrace. 

Aaron sighed with relief and hugged him back, wrapping his arms carefully around Spencer’s head and neck, pressing their cheeks together. 

“Don’t ever leave me again,” Spencer whispered. 

“Never,” Aaron swore.


	22. Chapter 22

“Do you have to go to work?” Spencer asked as Aaron started to get out of bed the next morning. 

“Yes, I have to go to work,” Aaron said. He paused when Spencer grabbed his arm. “I’ll be back tonight.”

“But what if you get a case?”

“Well, then I won’t be back tonight,” Aaron said. “And I’ll call you and do everything I can to get home as soon as possible.”

Spencer licked his lips. “What if something happens?”

“Spencer…”

Spencer’s grip tightened. “I’m scared to lose you again.”

“You won’t,” Aaron said. He slid back under the covers. “I’m careful in the field. And I know I can’t promise anything, but I’ve made it this far.”

Spencer still looked worried. 

Aaron knew from experience that having a partner who objected to his work would tear a relationship apart. He pressed his hand to the side of Spencer’s face. “Listen to me. My job is who I am. You know that. You  _ have _ to know that. And I know it makes things difficult, and I wish I didn’t have to leave so often, but I’m not stopping. I can’t. Please understand.”

Spencer lowered his eyes. “I know,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron kissed him. “It’s okay, you’re worried. But we just got back from a case, so unless every single other team is in the field, anything urgent will go to another unit, okay?”

Spencer sighed and nodded. 

“I have to go get ready,” Aaron said. “Do you want any coffee?”

Spencer shook his head. “Too tired for coffee.”

Aaron laughed shortly. “I don’t really get a choice,” he said. 

Spencer at least looked guilty about that. “Sorry,” he said. 

Aaron yawned and kissed Spencer’s cheek. “Oh, it was worth it,” he said, and got out of bed before he forgot why calling in sick in order to sleep was a bad idea.

* * *

Spencer had fallen back asleep before Aaron even got out of the shower. And Aaron, even with one cup of coffee at home and another as soon as he got into the office, was bone-tired. He sat in his office yawning and trying not to fall asleep on his paperwork. 

When someone knocked on the door, he realized he’d read the same sentence of a memo at least a dozen times and still didn’t know what it was saying. He rubbed his eyes. “Come in.”

Morgan, JJ, and Garcia walked in. Aaron blinked at them. “Yes?”

“We’re trying something new to find Foyet,” Morgan said. “It was JJ’s idea, and Garcia is going to work on it with Kevin.”

Aaron nodded. The team was fluctuating between trying to treat Morgan as the official unit chief and continuing to treat him as they always had. He could tell it was strange for them to look to Morgan first, but his own downward spiral had helped them make that transition. They continued to seek his approval for new ideas before implementing them, thought, which was probably out of habit more than anything. So instead of asking them to explain the new idea, he just said, “Okay.”

“I thought of it at the pharmacy,” JJ said. “When I realized you can substitute some prescriptions with over the counter drugs.”

Aaron leaned back. “So if you eliminate all but the medications that he wouldn’t be able to substitute…”

“Exactly,” Garcia said. “We’re going to narrow down to that list and start running a search on that exact combination. If we’re lucky he gets all his drugs at the same pharmacy.”

“Good work,” Aaron said. He reflected briefly that he should have thought of that. He’d been to his own pharmacy enough lately to know that drugs could be substituted. Was he losing his game? “You’ll let me know if you get any hits.”

It wasn’t an order, but a request. They understood. 

“Of course, sir,” Garcia said. “Actually I should be getting back to help Kevin.” 

Aaron nodded. JJ left with her and they closed the door, leaving Morgan alone in the office.

“Are you okay?” Morgan asked as soon as the door latched. 

Aaron nodded. 

“You look exhausted. If you need to take some time…”

“I don’t,” Aaron said. “I’m just tired.”

Morgan studied him. “I don’t know if I trust you to evaluate your own well-being right now.”

“I would certainly recommend against sending me into the field against an armed suspect right now,” Aaron said. “But I’m competent enough for paperwork.”

Morgan shook his head. “I know we aren’t supposed to profile, but…”

Aaron could tell that Morgan was struggling with the responsibility of critiquing the fitness of his former supervisor. Morgan had stepped into the role of unit chief extraordinarily well, but he still had a habit of deferring to Aaron, and that made what he obviously wanted to say very difficult. 

Aaron did it for him. “Morgan, if you believe that there is a problem with my conduct, or you’ve seen something that leads you to believe I am not fit for the field, you need to say so.”

“I just can’t get a handle on you, Hotch,” Morgan said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Ever since Spencer moved back in with you, I’m getting mixed messages of whether you’re becoming more depressed or more stable.”

“I’m not getting more depressed,” Aaron said. “That I can promise you.”

Morgan tilted his head. “If I asked you to go have a psych consult done, would you do it?”

“Yes,” Aaron said with no hesitation. 

“Then I believe you,” Morgan said. He nodded once and left. 

Aaron slumped. Damn he was tired. He picked the memo back up and tried once more to read it all the way through. 

* * *

Aaron found Spencer sitting morosely at the computer when he got home. He rubbed his eyes and looked up at Aaron. “Reading on a screen is really hard,” he said. 

Aaron glanced to the bookshelf that was right next to the computer desk, both tucked away on one wall of the living room. It was packed with a variety of both fiction and non-fiction books, biographies, and textbooks. He tilted his head towards them in question. 

Spencer just looked at him. “I’ve read all of those,” he said. “I’ve been here for weeks.”

“Oh,” Aaron said. “Um…”

Spencer slumped in the chair and looked back at the monitor. “I know why I can’t leave. But I’m getting restless.”

Aaron stepped forward and rubbed his shoulder. “If you don’t mind being shadowed, we could go somewhere.”

Spencer looked up. “Really?” 

“Really.”

“What about Foyet? Couldn’t he, you know, shoot me from across a room?”

“He wouldn’t try something like that,” Aaron said. “When it’s someone he cares about, he needs to watch the pain up close and take his time.”

Spencer paled by several shades.

Aaron winced. “Sorry. Still in work mode.”

Spencer shook his head and shuddered. “Apparently.” He tilted his head to the side. “Do you remember when you called me from Detroit? That case before…?”

Spencer didn’t need to specify before  _ what _ . “I remember,” Aaron said. 

Spencer’s eyes lit up but his air was still cautious. “Do you remember what I asked you?”

Aaron remembered. It had been what felt like forever, now, months, but of course he remembered. “You asked me out to dinner.”

Spencer beamed and nodded. 

Aaron smiled. “Where do you want to go?” he asked. 

“Um…where’s good?”

“Where do you like?”

“Father James and I went to a sushi place I really liked once,” Spencer said. 

“Then we’ll go there,” Aaron said, already pulling out his phone to call the local police department so they could inform the current posted officer of the change in his schedule. He reflected briefly that he’d been exhausted not moments ago and now he felt wide awake at the prospect of going out to dinner with Spencer. Was it a stupid idea? Completely. But no one could live in such a small space and not get restless and Aaron felt like he owed it to Spencer to help as much as he could. 

After he hung up, any doubts Aaron might have still had vanished when he saw the grateful way Spencer was looking at him. The younger man stood up and started to head towards the bedroom, presumably to change out of sweatpants, but Aaron caught his arm and stopped him, stepping close. He waited until Spencer turned halfway. “I know you hate living like this. I’m so sorry.”

Spencer sighed. “I know you’re doing everything you can.”

Aaron nodded. 

Spencer turned to face him fully and wrapped his hand around Aaron’s neck and brought their foreheads together. “Besides,” he added softly. “Being with you makes it worth it.”

* * *

Aaron and Spencer ate one table away from the officer who followed them to the restaurant (who was more than happy to order a sushi dinner that his office would have to reimburse him for) so there wasn’t even the illusion of privacy. Aaron knew it wasn’t what Spencer had been thinking the first time he asked him out to dinner, but right now, being here was enough. 

They got stares, of course, some from people who were shocked to see one man feeding a piece of sushi to another, and some from people who likely recognized them from news coverage, but Aaron hoped that Spencer didn’t notice them and he didn’t point them out. He did his best to keep Spencer focused on him and the meal and being out of the apartment.

But time passed and the restaurant turned off their neon open signs and eventually, they were the only three left in the space and Spencer was the one who stood up, citing the reason that he didn’t want to keep the wait staff too late. Aaron paid, they left, and the officer followed them back until they were home, where another was waiting in his car at the curb outside to take over the night watch. 

Aaron settled his hand on the small of Reid’s back as they walked to his apartment and wondered if Spencer felt the same burn. From the way he glanced at Aaron and reached back to touch him, Aaron guessed yes. They walked slowly and lingered in the hallway just outside the door. Spencer tucked his hair behind his ear and grinned shyly, the first real smile that Aaron had seen in a long time. It made his heart jump wildly in his chest.

“Is this when you drop me off at home and hope I invite you in?” Spencer asked. 

Aaron chuckled. “Something like that,” he said.

Spencer leaned back against the door and raised his eyebrows. “Well?” asked. 

“Well?” Aaron repeated. 

“Aren’t you going to try to kiss me?” 

“Oh, is  _ that _ what I’m supposed to do?” Aaron asked, reaching up and brushing Spencer’s hair away from his forehead. “Well then,” he said, and leaned in. 

Spencer’s hand wrapped around the back of his neck. “Thank you,” he murmured into the kiss, then leaned back, meeting Aaron’s eyes. “Want to come in?” 

Instead of answering, Aaron pressed into another kiss. He had his key in hand already, though it took him a few moments to get in the lock before he could turn the handle. Spencer stumbled back as the door swung in before he caught himself and they spun together, Spencer pressing Aaron against the opposite wall. Aaron kicked the door shut and Spencer flipped both deadbolts. Aaron broke from the kiss and reached around Spencer to key in the code on the alarm. Spencer ran his hands down Aaron’s chest and started sucking the side of his neck, making Aaron’s hand shake. He groaned and finally got the correct code in, then dipped down and caught Spender’s mouth with his own. Spencer exhaled harshly and fisted Aaron’s shirt and dragged him back into the apartment. They made it as far as the counter before Spencer’s fingers found the buttons on Aaron’s shirt and started working at them. Aaron slid his hands under Spencer’s shirt and thumbed his nipples, making Spencer yelp softly. 

They continued to make their way haphazardly through the room, unwilling to part for even a second, bumping teeth and knocking joints as they slid against each other. Spencer was halfway done with the buttons before he made frustrated sound and ripped them and Aaron didn’t even protest. They tripped into the bedroom, tearing at each other’s clothing and thrusting their hips together. Spencer wedged his leg between Aaron’s and reached down to undo his pants with shaking fingers, grinding against Aaron’s leg the whole time. Aaron groaned into the kiss when Spencer’s fingers closed around his cock and pulled it out. Spencer pushed him back until his knees hit the bed and he sat. Spencer dropped between his legs and started sucking. 

Aaron rested his hands on top of Spencer’s head and threaded his fingers through his lover’s hair, gripping. He fought the urge to push up into the other man’s mouth and let him control the pace. Spencer’s lips were hot against his hard flesh. Aaron’s head fell back and he struggled to keep breathing evenly. Too long, it had been too long. He dared to glance down. 

Spencer glanced back up at him and the look in his eyes made Aaron’s cock ache. With a gasp, he pushed Spencer away and grabbed him by the arms and hauled him up, standing and spinning him easily, pushing him to sit and then lay flat with his legs still dangling over the side of the mattress. He pulled Spencer’s pants and boxers off and shoved them down to his ankles. Spencer kicked them away and Aaron stepped out of his before climbing onto the bed and straddling the other man. 

Spencer’s breath caught and he stilled as he looked up at Aaron. Aaron also stilled and suddenly the room became silent but for their harsh breathing and the pounding of blood in his ears. He looked down into Spencer’s eyes, asking, pleading, begging…

Spencer tilted his head back, baring his neck. 

A possessiveness that still caught Aaron by surprise surged through him and he pressed his mouth to a spot right above Spencer’s collar. He kissed just once before biting down. Spencer made a strangled noise and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s head and neck, keeping him trapped there while he sucked at the skin. He moved up to the next patch of skin and bit down again. Spencer’s hips lifted up into his and Aaron pushed back, reaching down and aligning their cocks together so he could rub them at the same time. Spencer whined and Aaron felt the vibration in his throat against his lips. 

Aaron finally lifted his head and looked at Spencer’s neck. Blood was rushing to the area and turning his skin red and there were two clear marks. They would bruise by morning. Aaron’s heart was pounding and he claimed Spencer’s mouth in an equally bruising kiss. He sped up the rhythm of his hand. 

Suddenly Spencer turned his head away. “Take me,” he gasped. “Now.  _ Now. _ Nn— _ Aaron! _ ” Spencer cried out and bucked when Aaron swirled his thumb over the head of his cock. 

Aaron didn’t waste time, not when Spencer was writhing beneath him and begging. Condom, lube, shaking fingers breaching his lover for the first time in months, crooked in just the right way to make him beg for more. Aaron took Spencer’s length firmly in hand and stroked to the same pace as he moved his fingers in and out, and then,, he pulled his hand away and pressed in with his cock.

Spencer arched up and groaned. He immediately tightened, too much for Aaron to push forward more, and Aaron had to soothe him for a few moments before he relaxed enough. Breathing heavily and watching Spencer’s chest heave, Aaron drove in and held. 

Spencer gasped for each breath, splayed out on the mattress. His legs were pushed apart and his arms were above his head, gripping the sheets. His hair was fanned and he was biting his lip, eyes closed. “Please,” he suddenly whispered. “Everything, I—I need—please— _ nnh. _ ”

Aaron rocked, stroking Spencer at the same time. He started slowly, keeping his eyes on Spencer’s face as he moved, careful and watching, but Spencer’s sobbing pleas for more soon pushed him forward until he was barely holding back. He was hunched over his lover, driving into him, lost in the sensations his body created. Hot, tight, surrounding. He never wanted to stop but he knew at the same time that they were burning too hot to last long. 

Spencer came in his hand, shouting as he did. Aaron rubbed him and felt his fingers get coated. He watched Spencer’s face as he slid down from the ecstasy and kept pounding. Soon, so soon. He heard Spencer whispering to him and encouraging him, speaking soft words that would make Aaron blush at any other time. But now, with his cock buried completely in the other man, they only drove his lust higher. 

It started fast, so fast that Aaron almost didn’t realize what was about to happen. He closed his eyes and sobbed Spencer’s name and his hips jerked forward. His belly tightened and his legs shook and he felt Spencer’s hand against his face and heard Spencer’s voice, loving and reassuring. The moment faded too soon and he slid out with a harsh breath and collapsed to his knees. With shaking fingers he pulled off the condom and tied it. 

Spencer sat up and ran fingers through his hair and coaxed Aaron up onto the bed with him, laying both of them down. Aaron stretched out and Spencer pulled him close, holding him tightly. He brought Aaron’s face to his neck and kissed his hair. Aaron was able to glance at the clock before closing his eyes and pressing against Spencer’s skin. Only about half an hour since they’d gotten back. He didn’t realize that he was shaking until Spencer reached around and ran his hand up and down his back. 

“Shh,” Spencer soothed, holding Aaron close. “Are you okay?”

Aaron laughed breathlessly. “I’m going to take you to sushi more often,” he said. He felt Spencer’s silent laugh and fingers trailed through his hair. 

“You’re shaking,” Spencer murmured. 

“I’m know,” Aaron said. “I’m tired.” He sighed against Spencer’s neck lifted his hand to touch the mark, knowing almost instinctively where it was without looking. He brushed his fingers over the skin and felt Spencer shiver. “You’re okay with…?”

“I wouldn’t have let you if I wasn’t.”

“It was heat of the moment.”

“I can make decisions in the heat of the moment.”

“And you don’t regret…”

“Aaron, shh,” Spencer murmured. “I don’t. I promise. I wanted—” He swallowed and took a deep breath. “Yours, I’m—I’m yours.”

The emotion that surged through Aaron left him feeling weak. He exhaled against Spencer’s neck with a relieved shudder and held onto him. Spencer stroked his hair and they somehow managed to get the covers up over their bodies before falling asleep, huddled together and whispering. 

* * *

Aaron knew exactly what it meant when the ringing began early the next morning, but he still managed to hope that he was wrong. He rolled away from Spencer and groped around on the nightstand until he found his phone and lay on his back, holding it up to his ear. “Hotchner,” he answered. He felt Spencer shift closer and rest a hand on his chest, rubbing slowly up and down. 

“Sorry, man,” said Morgan’s voice. 

Aaron fought back a groan. “When is wheels up?”

“Hour from now,” Morgan said. “We have to wait for Prentiss to get back. But the case is in Washington, so we can brief on the plane.”

“Okay,” Aaron said. “See you then.” He hung up and set an alarm for thirty minutes. He could shower and grab food quickly.

“Case,” Spencer said. 

Aaron turned towards him and drew him close. “Yeah. I have half an hour before I need to get ready.”

“You should sleep, then,” Spencer said. 

“Mm, but…”

“You need to be as rested as possible.”

Aaron sighed. He was tired. Spencer was running his fingers through his hair, making it impossible to keep his eyes open. He allowed himself to relax into the other man’s arms and sleep for the precious remaining minutes before his phone sounded and he had to get up.

Spencer made him coffee and oatmeal while he showered and sat at the counter, yawning, while Aaron ate. He hugged him tightly before he left, promising into their lingering kiss that he would be home soon. 

* * *

The first thing that the team learned when they got to the small rural Washington town was that this case was personal. It was a kidnapping and the kidnapper had specifically demanded the Quantico BAU’s presence. This was the third child to go missing, but no bodies had been discovered yet. 

“Why didn’t you tell us the kidnapper wanted us?” Aaron asked. 

The local chief looked uncomfortable. “He said if we told you, you wouldn’t come, and he’d kill the hostage.”

“There are three girls missing,” Morgan said. 

“He said the first two are dead,” the chief said. 

Prentiss was looking over the notes, shaking her head. “Something isn’t right,” she said. “Why wouldn’t he leave the bodies somewhere to be found? Offer some proof? And these letters…”

Aaron took them and glanced them over. “Passive,” he said. “And scripted.”

“Very scripted,” Prentiss agreed. “And why ask for us specifically?”

An hour later, the team was still puzzling over the letters and the abduction sites, which had no pattern, and the girls, who had no similarities other than sex. Prentiss left to ask a question about the parents of the second girl. She had been gone for about a minute when a shout went up and Prentiss came rushing back in. “The missing girls!” she said. “They’re all here!”

Everyone shot to their feet and ran out and saw all three girls walking, quite unharmed other than looking a little frightened, into the station. One of them handed a note to a detective, who opened it. His eyes widened and he looked at Aaron. 

Everything started happening at once.

Aaron’s phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and glanced at the caller. It was the chief of the department whose men were watching his apartment. He answered. “Hello?”

“Agent Hotchner, I have bad news.” 

Aaron’s mouth went dry. “What is it?”

The detective handed the note to Aaron. He looked at it. Bright red print:  _ You should have made a deal, Agent Hotchner. _

“An officer went to your building to take the evening shift,” the voice in the phone said. “He found the last officer dead. Your apartment was broken into, and it’s empty.”

The ground spun beneath Aaron and he had to grab the nearest desk to keep himself standing. He felt hands grip his arms, helping to steady him. His mouth opened but he couldn’t speak. 

His phone beeped. Incoming call. Spencer’s cell. Aaron switched to that call without answering the other man. “Spencer?” he asked, hoping,  _ pleading— _

“Hello, Aaron. How’s the weather in Seattle?”

It wasn’t Spencer’s voice. 


	23. Chapter 23

“What did you do?” Aaron demanded. He was gripping the desk so hard his knuckles were white. He could tell that Prentiss was flanking him and out of the corner of his eye he saw Morgan on his phone. 

“Do?” Foyet asked. “So suspicious, Agent. What makes you think I did anything?”

“You have Spencer’s cell phone,” Aaron said through clenched teeth. “Where is he?”

“Oh! You mean what I did with Spencer,” Foyet said. “He isn’t hurt, don’t worry.”

“What do you want?” Aaron asked. 

“No, no, it’s too late for that,” Foyet said. “I have him, and you’re going to have to play now. You’ll find out more when you get back—oh, by the way, I’m sorry for dragging you all the way out to Washington, but I needed you out of the state for a while. You understand, of course.”

“I swear to god if you hurt him—”

“I’d hurry up and get back if I were you,” Foyet said. “I’ll let you know more then. Safe flight, we’ll be waiting.”

The line went dead. Aaron stared at the phone. 

Moments later, Morgan swore. “His phone turned off,” he said. “Garcia got a trace, but it looked like he was driving on the interstate.”

“Where?” Aaron asked. 

“Upstate somewhere,” Morgan said. “She can’t tell if he was going north or south.”

Aaron remembered that he had the police chief still on the other line. “Hello?” he asked. 

“Agent Hotchner? What happened?”

“George Foyet called me from Spencer’s cell phone, I believe he’s holding him.” As soon as Aaron said the words out loud, all feeling rushed out of his body.

“Understood,” the chief said. “We’ll start searching. Do you have any tips on where to start?”

Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking. “Ah…try…” But they had nothing. They had been looking for Foyet for months and they had nothing. “Start with the officer who was killed, see if anyone saw anything suspicious, maybe a car.”

“We’re already canvasing,” the man said. “I’ll let you know if we find anything.”

They wouldn’t. Aaron hung up. He felt completely numb. Canvasing. Profiling. He needed to get to his apartment and look for anything out of place, anything that might point him in the right direction—

But he was in  _ fucking Washington State. _

“Hotch!”

The voice finally broke through. Aaron looked up into Rossi’s eyes. 

“What did he say?” Rossi asked, speaking slowly and enunciating each word. 

Aaron related the conversation as best as he could. The team all looked at each other. 

“We’re going home,” Morgan said. “Go get your bags.” He stayed behind to talk with the local sheriff while the others went to grab their bags. They hadn’t made it to their hotel yet, so everything was still in the station. All Morgan had to do was explain to the sheriff what was happening, this his town had been used as a distraction, and they were free.

* * *

They were in the air in less than an hour. Aaron sat at a window and clenched his fist around his phone, praying for it to ring with good news, and stared at the ground below. The plane felt like it was crawling and he could barely stay still. He needed to  _ move _ .

Rossi sat down next to him. The only one of the team who was brave enough to approach him. Or full of himself. 

“Go away,” Aaron growled. 

“Hey!” Rossi said, and squeezed Aaron’s arm. “Don’t you snap at me when I’m here to help you.”

Aaron tensed and shook him off. “If you’re about to tell me that this team is the best at what they do and we’ll pull together and we’ll find him, you can just—”

“Why don’t you think before opening your mouth and burning bridges, huh?” Rossi said. “We’re going to do everything we can. And I know I can’t promise that we’ll find him, so I won’t—hey,  _ hey. _ ” 

Aaron had shuddered at the words and physically crumpled in on himself. Rossi grabbed him. “I’m not going to sugar coat, Aaron. I have too much respect for you for that. But you need to keep it together.”

Aaron did his best to nod. 

“I need to know something,” Rossi said. “Has Spencer been coached for this?”

Aaron nodded again.

“What does he know?”

“I gave him Foyet’s profile,” Aaron said. “I explained to him that he can’t show any fear, to just stay calm and quiet and do what he says.”

“Anything else?”

“Like what?” Aaron asked. 

“Can he pick handcuffs, does he know to look for sharp edges to cut ties, does he know how to tap out an SOS signal…”

“I—I’m not sure,” Aaron said. Those were all amazing ideas. Why hadn’t he thought to teach Spencer any of those?

“That’s okay,” Rossi said. His voice was very calm and Aaron immediately recognized it for what it was: keep the grieving family member from panicking voice. “Now, would he have left your apartment for anything?”

“No,” Aaron said. “He knew he had to stay there.”

“But your alarm system wasn’t triggered, was it?”

Aaron shook his head. 

“So somehow, Foyet gained entrance, and he was probably armed.”

“And could have just taken Spencer with him after that.”

Rossi squeezed Aaron’s shoulder. “I’ll be here if you need me,” he said, and went back to the other corner of the plane with everyone else.   


* * *

Garcia was waiting anxiously for them in the conference room. She was bouncing up and down on her soles and wringing her hands. As soon as Aaron walked in, she rushed over. “Sir!” she said. “Spencer’s phone is still turned off but if it turns on I’ll know right away. I was able to pinpoint the call, Foyet was driving on I-95, so I’m running facial match searches on all the traffic cameras to figure out which direction he was going and what car he was driving.”

“Thank you, Garcia,” Aaron said. Speaking felt like sandpaper in his mouth.

The rest of team grouped around him in a silent show of support. Aaron swallowed and crossed his arms and stared at the floor. 

“Is there anything we can do right now?” JJ asked. 

Aaron heard the double meaning in the question. He shook his head. “Local units are still canvasing,” he said. “We don’t have a starting point for a location. When Foyet wants us to know, we’ll know.” 

“He probably won’t use Spencer’s cell phone again,” Prentiss said. “He knows we can track that.”

“Garcia, could you trace a number that called Hotch’s phone?” Morgan asked. 

“I can try,” Garcia said. “If it’s another cell phone, almost certainly. I’ll go get a trace ready to go.”

“Thank you, baby girl,” Morgan said. He looked at Aaron. “What does he want with Spencer?”

“He wants to make me suffer,” Aaron said. 

“No, he wants to  _ watch _ you suffer,” Rossi said. “That’s what gets him off. We’ll hear from him eventually. He needs to be able to see your pain.”

Aaron felt dizzy. He closed his eyes. “So we wait for him to contact me,” he said. 

“And you stay here,” Rossi said. When Aaron turned sharply to him and started to protest, he glared back. “Don’t you even try it,” he snapped. “If I have to knock you on your ass to keep you from going out and doing something stupid, I will.”

Aaron clenched his fists and took a step forward.

JJ was the one who stepped between them, and was probably the only one who could have done it without getting snarled at. “Okay,” she said. “We’re all worried, so let’s just try to calm down and wait until we have something to go off of, alright?” She looked at Aaron. “No one is going to leave until we all know what’s happening.” She turned to Rossi. “And no one is going to be knocking anyone else onto his ass, got it? You’re not children.”

Aaron and Rossi continued to glare at each other for a few more moments before they mutually broke the eye contact. Aaron immediately felt guilty. He was frightened and angry and looking to lash out at the first possible target. Rossi knew that and was trying to establish a pecking order to keep Aaron from doing something dangerous, and that had made him the target. “Sorry,” Aaron muttered. 

Morgan had stayed safely away from the alpha male clash but he stepped forward now. “JJ’s right,” he said. “Let’s sit down and go over what we know about Foyet’s profile. Garcia’s working on locating the car he was driving, and once we have that, we’ll be able to start a better search.”

Aaron nodded and allowed JJ to touch his shoulder in silent support as they all sat down and began to do just that. 

* * *

Two hours later, Aaron got a text message from an unknown sender. 

_ I won’t tell you anything until I know you’re away from the rest of them. _

Aaron stiffened. Rossi saw the reaction and held his hand out. Aaron gave the phone over. 

Rossi read it and checked for a number. “Good,” he said.

“ _ Good? _ ”

“He’s letting us know what he wants,” Rossi said.

“But if I stay here—”

“Aaron,” Rossi said, shaking his head. “I’m taking this to Garcia to see if she can find the number. Of course you’re staying here.”

Aaron looked up at his friend and felt all the fear he had been shoving away wash over him. “What if he hurts him?”

Rossi paused. His mouth twitched sympathetically. “Think about what you would tell a family member in your situation. We have something Foyet wants, he isn’t going to harm his bargaining chip.”

“I would never call a loved one a bargaining chip,” Aaron said coldly. 

“I told you I’m not going to sugar coat,” Rossi said. He clapped Aaron’s shoulder before leaving.

* * *

They discovered that Foyet was using a disposable, prepaid cell phone that he had tampered with to avoid being tracked. Garcia found video of him going south on I-95 in a car with obstructed plates, but sent the make and model to the local police, who began searching. 

Aaron received the next text one hour later. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and didn’t look at it until he could make an excuse to get away from the group to his office.

_ If I didn’t know better I’d think you didn’t care. _

Aaron’s fist clenched at his side. 

“So what’s he say this time?”

Aaron whirled around. Rossi was standing there, eyebrow raised. 

“Nothing,” Aaron said. 

“Don’t you bullshit me.”

Aaron growled but handed the phone over. “What if I called him, faked it?” he asked. “He might reveal something on accident.”

“Would you ever recommend that line of action?”

“No, but—”

“Then no.”

_ But it’s Spencer! _ Aaron wanted to scream.  _ It’s different! _ “I have to try,” he begged. 

“Aaron…”

Aaron lifted a hand to his mouth and paced around the edge of the room. Rossi watched him silently, waiting with his hands slung casually into his pockets for Aaron to stop. Aaron finally rounded on him. “Dave—”

“He’s trying to get you alone. You never give into what an unsub wants, you know that.”

“But he has Spencer,” Aaron said. “He has  _ my _ Spencer.”

“And this is not the way to save him,” Rossi said. “He’ll contact us, and we’ll wait until he isn’t demanding you alone.”

“What if he never does?” Aaron asked. 

“He will,” Rossi promised. “And if we get lucky, we’ll figure out where he is before then.”

“The police can’t find that car,” Aaron said. “It’s probably under a tarp by now.”

“Don’t give up, okay?” Rossi said. “Come on, we could use your help.”

Aaron raked his fingers through his hair, nodded, and returned with Rossi. 

* * *

When the next message came, Aaron made sure to be completely alone when he read it. 

_ We’re having fun here without you. Spencer doesn’t like my games. _

It was a low, cheap trick, and Aaron knew it. But he locked the door and called.

“Aaron!” Foyet answered. “I was starting to think you didn’t care.” 

“What do you want from me?” Aaron asked, keeping his voice low.

“I think you know that.”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

Instead of answering, Foyet made a contemplative noise. “I think you should hurry and get yourself away from everyone else so I can tell you more.”

“I’m alone,” Aaron said. 

“I want you out of your office,” Foyet said. 

“That isn’t an option.”

“Poor kid,” Foyet said. “You should see how frightened he looks. Oh, he’s trying not to, but I can see it in his eyes. I bet he’ll think twice before crawling into another FBI agent’s bed. If he lives, anyway. Did you warn him about dangers like this? Probably not, wouldn’t want to scare this pretty thing away, would you. And is he ever pretty. I don’t blame you, even I can see the appeal of slipping it in this one…maybe I’ll give it a try.”

“You and I both know that you’re not a rapist, and you never will be,” Aaron said. Foyet was trying to rattle him. He wasn’t going to give the bastard an inch. 

“No,” Foyet sighed dramatically. “I guess you’re right. Think of how different life would have been if I could just rape someone and get it done, huh?”

“What do you want?”

“I want you,” Foyet said. “Turn off your phone and go buy a disposable cell. Don’t tell anyone you’re leaving or where you’re going. Keep your phone off. I’ll be calling it periodically to make sure of that and if I ever find it on…”

“Alright, fine,” Aaron said. “Only if you promise not to hurt him.”

“Now you know I can’t promise that,” Foyet said. “Especially since I’ve already done it.”

Horror rushed through Aaron and left him nauseous. He had to swallow more than once before he felt in control of his voice again. “If he’s dead—”

“He isn’t dead,” Foyet said cheerfully. “I wouldn’t waste such an expressive face. I wonder if you’ve ever realized how much he can say with his eyes? He’s a rare one, the pain translates so beautifully to his features. He makes me feel like an artist.”

“You’re a psychotic sadist,” Aaron growled.

“A rose by any other name.”

“Swear to me right now that you won’t hurt him any more, or I won’t leave.”

“Fine, fine,” Foyet sighed. “I swear I won’t harm him until I next hear from you. However, if you take too long, say, an hour, that promise will run out.”

Aaron grit his teeth and hung up. He knew better than this, he did, but right now procedure was the farthest thing from his mind. Never mind that he would string up any family member who subverted him like this on a hostage case, he had to get to Spencer. 

* * *

Aaron went to Morgan, because Rossi would have seen right through him. “I need to get to my apartment,” he said.

Morgan raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I want to see if Foyet left anything there. He likes clues and games, and I can see if he took something. It might point us in the right direction.”

Morgan considered for a moment. “Fine, but take Rossi with you,” he said. 

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Aaron said.

“With all due respect, man, I think you do,” Morgan said. He held up his hands disarmingly when Aaron took a step forward. “You’re too close to this as is, I shouldn’t even be letting you work this case. And your judgment goes wonky around this kid.”

_ Poor kid, _ Foyet had said. 

“He isn’t a kid,” Aaron snapped. 

“Fine,” Morgan said. “Guy, man, whatever. You make rash decisions when it comes to him, so if you want to go look for something, you take Rossi with you.”

“Fine,” Aaron bit, and went to go find the older man, already trying to figure out how he would slip him. 

* * *

It didn’t take Aaron long to double back into the elevator in his apartment building and lose Rossi. He’d left his badge on his desk; he knew there was no way for him to get out of this with his position in the FBI intact, and he also knew that by now he was being labeled as a possible armed rogue and others would be looking for him. Spencer’s car was gone so he had to take the SUV, leaving Rossi stranded, and he was now sitting in the middle of a Wal-Mart parking lot. He had three prepaid cell phones, because he wasn’t an idiot. He could contact his team with the other, now that his phone was off, and have a backup.

But first…

He punched Foyet’s number into the first phone and lifted it to his ear. There was an answering click. 

“Alright, I’m alone,” Aaron said. “Tell me what to do.”

“Ah, finally,” Foyet said, clearly relishing the moment. “You should have made a deal.”

“You keep telling me that.”

“And because you didn’t make a deal,” Foyet continued, “Now you get to make a choice.”

“What choice?” Aaron asked. He already knew what the choice was going to be. Him or Spencer. Foyet wanted to see Aaron give himself up willingly, and Aaron already knew exactly what his answer was going to be—

“There are two people here with me,” Foyet said. “You get to choose which one of them dies quickly and painlessly, and which one of them dies very slowly and in a great deal of pain.”

Aaron’s mind skipped a step, completely unprepared for Foyet’s answer. Before he recovered enough to speak, Foyet continued.

“The catch is,” he said, “The one that dies quickly will die before you get here and you will never see him alive again. The one that dies slowly might last long enough to say goodbye to.”

“Who else do you have?” Aaron asked, trying to keep his composure. 

“Spencer knows him,” Foyet said. “He didn’t like it when I tried to cut him, did you, Spencer?”

“ _ Who? _ ” Aaron demanded.

“Your boy has a thing for older men,” Foyet said. “Father figures. Is that who this is? His father figure? Or is that you, Aaron?”

Father figure. 

_ Father James. _

Aaron put the car in gear slammed down on the acceleration. He knew where Foyet was. “You’re a coward,” he said. “Why go after a pair of unarmed priests when you could be hunting down an FBI agent?”

“Because I prefer the bait and trap method,” Foyet said. 

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” Aaron said. “You never were one for a challenge. Ambushing couples in their cars, shooting down unsuspecting people in a bus.”

“You seem to be evading,” Foyet said.

“So do you.”

“You think you know everything,” Foyet said. “But what happens when you meet the man who’s smarter than you, who sees right through your tricks and your profiling?”

“And you think that’s you?” Aaron asked.

“I don’t know if it’s me,” Foyet said. “I guess we’ll find out at the end of the day.”

“I guess we will.”

“Time’s up,” Foyet said. “I get to choose.”

“You said I got to make that choice,” Aaron said. Stalling, desperate stalling. 

“You took too long,” Foyet said. 

“I’m the one you want,” Aaron said. Redirect his focus.

“You are the one I want,” Foyet agreed. “And I have you  _ right _ where I want you.” 

Aaron heard the crack of a gunshot and he gripped the phone. He couldn’t breathe. 

“There we go,” Foyet said. “I’ve chosen which one dies. Now as for the other…”

Aaron’s composure cracked. “Don’t hurt him,” he begged before he could stop himself.

“You don’t even know which one is still alive,” Foyet said.

“I can guess.”

“Actually it was a coin toss, so can you?”

Aaron didn’t have a response to that. It was hard to speak when his heart felt like it had stopped.

“I’m good with knives, as you know,” Foyet said, taking advantage of the silence. “But I’ve been thinking it’s time to broaden my horizons. I wonder if you could achieve the same thing with a gun…nice and slow, bleeding out. Only one way to find out, right?”

Aaron couldn’t speak. 

There was a second shot followed by a muffled scream.

“There,” Foyet said. “That looks good. Let’s try another.” 

Aaron felt the next shot like it was ripping through him. It was followed by another shriek of pain. 

“Oh by the way,” Foyet said. “If anyone other than you pulls up outside this house, I’ll kill this one as soon as I see them. And believe me, I keep my promises. Oh, uh oh.” He paused and made a contemplative noise. “I might have aimed just a little too high with that second bullet. They’re so much less precise than knives, guns. You lose the subtlety, the craft. But it might still be alright. I’d hurry, anyway, if I were you. I might get bored waiting and switch to knives if you take too long.” There was a third shot. “He won’t need that, anyway,” he said, and the connection died.


	24. Chapter 24

_ He felt blood between his fingers, hot—heard the laughter like it was through cotton— _

_ “It’s okay, it’s okay—” _

* * *

Aaron gripped the phone, barely seeing the road in front of him, before he threw it onto the passenger seat and grabbed the second phone. He dialed Rossi with shaking fingers. 

“This had better be Aaron Hotchner.” 

“_Dave_,” Aaron said. 

“Hotch, where are you? It isn’t too late to come back, we can still work this profile.” 

“It is too late,” Aaron said. He flipped the sirens on as he came to a major intersection, slowing just enough to check the cross traffic before running the red. “I spoke with him. I know where he is.” 

“Tell me where,” Dave said. “The team will go there. You need to come back.” 

“I can’t. If he sees anyone else he’ll kill him. He keeps his promises.” Aaron swallowed. “He took Spencer to Father James’s house. He—” His voice broke. He cleared his throat, blinking quickly. “He killed one of them, I don’t know which one.” 

Dave was silent for a long moment, then, “Okay. Is that where you’re going?” 

“You know it is.” 

“Then we’ll meet you there. Not in view of the house. But we’re going there now. I’m putting you on speaker, is there anything we should know?” 

“Whoever is still alive has three bullet wounds, I don’t know where,” Aaron said. He passed a backup at the next intersection by veering into the oncoming lane. “Paramedics need to get there, but no lights, no sirens, they can’t wait in view.” 

“Hotch.” That was Emily. “We’re on our way. Don’t approach the house until we get there.” 

Aaron was already turning onto the street. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t do that. I left my badge behind and I want you to know I will take full responsibility for my actions. No matter what happens, I am deeply grateful to have had the privilege of knowing and working with each and every one of you.” He flipped the phone shut, hearing Dave’s voice protesting as he did. 

* * *

_ “Tight! As tight as you can! I promise, I promise—” _

_ The air smelled like iron, and the footsteps faded— _

* * *

He parked right outside the house. The front curtains were all drawn, but he held no illusions that he was not being watched. His gun was in his hand before his feet touched the ground and he was running to the house, his breath louder than his heart and his steps. He felt his pulse in every part of his body, rapid, and he heard Spencer’s voice reciting facts about the effects of adrenaline on the human body. 

Everything felt _ sharp _ . The bright blue of the front door, the _ click _ of the latch as he pushed down, the metal against his skin. The floor creaked under his first step in, as it always had, but the warmth of sound was gone. Now it was shrieking, announcing his presence, echoing in a space that had already borne witness to something horrible today. 

Gun up, he went into the kitchen first, pulling back the drapes and opening the pantry in his sweep. He unlocked the back door, opening an access point for his team and to run later if he had to. 

The sitting room was next, and there was blood here, a dark stain on the beige carpet, a spray pattern on the chair. They’d been in front of the armchair, kneeling, probably.. No body, no sound. He was breathing too loud. Foyet would hear him. 

There was no blood trail. The body could be anywhere. 

* * *

_ “What are you doing, you need to stay still!” _

_ He barely recognized his own voice— _

* * *

He moved up the stairs, gun raised. The silence was worse than screaming could ever be. Screaming was at least a sign of life, of hope. He’d learned that a long time ago. 

With each step, he felt the blade sliding into his body. Had Spencer felt that? Was he feeling it right now? Was he even—

He turned into the first room and froze. 

Father James was on his bed, back against the headboard like he was relaxing, but the bullet wound in the middle of his forehead and his unmoving eyes told otherwise. He would be looking right at Aaron if he was alive. 

Aaron’s breath escaped him in a rush and his hand shook, then he squeezed his gun tighter and strode into the room, ignoring the body. Foyet was in this house somewhere. 

From behind, he heard a sound, something short and muffled, and Aaron whirled. Nothing was there. He wasn’t finished clearing the bedroom but he took one step forward, then another, until he was out the door and creeping down the hall. 

There were two more rooms, a bathroom and the guest room, where he had spent the night in one of his darkest moments. Had Foyet witnessed that night? His desperation had been palpable, he knew. If he had seen it, Foyet would have savored every moment. 

The bathroom was cleared in moments and then there was just one door left, already ajar, right in front of him. He slid closer, gun outstretched, and when he was close enough, reached out with his foot to push the door open. 

In the mirror, placed at a careful angle to show the bed around the corner, Aaron could see the entire room. 

“It’s nice of you to finally join us,” Foyet said. 

* * *

_ “Please, please don’t—” _

_ There was so much blood, so much blood. _

* * *

Spencer was on his back, prone on the bed, his arms pulled out and zip-tied to the bedposts. His head was hanging back over the foot of the bed and his eyes were wide, his skin white. For a short, terrible moment he looked gone— Aaron couldn’t breathe— And then Foyet pulled his arm back and a blood-covered blade came with it, and Spencer’s scream shattered the frozen moment. 

He arched up, but Foyet, straddled over his chest, kept him in place. In Foyet’s other hand was a gun, pointed at Spencer’s head. “Don’t worry,” Foyet said. “That one was superficial.” 

Aaron met Foyet’s eyes in the reflection. His gun was raised, but he had no shot. “You got what you wanted. I’m here. Let him go.” 

“Oh no, no, this is just the beginning,” Foyet said. “We’re all going to have a little fun now that you’re here.” 

“Tell me why I don’t walk in there and shoot you right now.” 

“Because we both know that before you take the second step, I can fill his brain with bullets.” Foyet said. “And he won’t be nearly as pretty if he gets shot in the face.” 

Aaron breathed in through his nose, teeth clenched. “So what now?” he said. “You’ve created a stalemate. Eventually one of us is going to give, and neither scenario ends with you leaving alive.” 

“Actually, one does,” Foyet said. “You have to love these old Victorian homes with their servant’s halls. There’s one right behind me.” 

“I’ll still catch up with you. And we both know I’d be a fool not to have support waiting outside.” 

“Outside, but out of sight, aren’t they?” Foyet agreed. “And I know you, Aaron. I know you snuck away from your team. I know you’re not wearing a wire. They have no idea what’s going on in here. It’s just you, me, and your boy.” 

“Fine,” Aaron said. “Say you get to the servant’s entrance. Say you get outside before I can catch up and shoot you. What makes you think I won’t chase you until one of us is dead?” 

“Oh, you’ll be busy in here,” Foyet said. He set the knife down and pulled his cell phone out, flipping it open and pressing a few buttons. “Want to see what I found?” 

Aaron said nothing. 

Foyet gave him an expectant look, then shrugged. “I’ll show you anyway.” He held the phone up. “Your wife looks beautiful with brown hair. Have you seen it yet?” 

The picture was too small for Aaron to see properly. His grip on his gun tightened. “You’re bluffing.” 

“Oh, Aaron,” Foyet said with a wide grin. “You know me better than that.” He pressed a few buttons. “Say anything, and your pretty boy here gets to learn first hand how it feels to bleed out from the aorta. It’s _ very _ messy.” 

From the phone came a few rings before the faint _ click _ of a connected call. 

“George?” 

It was Haley.

“Haley.” Foyet’s voice shifted into one that Haley would never recognize. “Are you at the location?” 

“Yes,” Haley said. Her voice sounded shakey, but full of the stubborn strength that Aaron had always loved so much about her. “Yes, we’re here. We’re both safe, Jack is safe.” 

“Good work,” Foyet said. “I can’t discuss your location right now, for your safety, but help is on the way. We’re going to get you out of there.” As he spoke, Foyet maintained eye contact with Aaron, the gun pressed to Spencer’s forehead. Aaron could tell Spencer was looking at him too, but he didn’t dare break eye contact with Foyet. 

“Thank you,” Haley said. “Thank you so much.” 

“It’s what we’re here for, ma’am,” Foyet said, and flipped the phone shut. He grinned. “Now, I fully believe that you could catch me if I ran right now,” he said, picking the knife back up and putting it to Spencer’s neck. “Which is why I’m going to offer you a choice.” 

“Choices and deals, is that how you do everything?” Aaron asked. “Have you ever been enough of a man to make your own decisions?” 

“Wasn’t I _ man _ enough for you when I slide inside, Aaron?” Foyet said. He rocked his hips forward, grinding against Spencer’s chest. “Or when I pierced his flesh?” 

“Spare me the melodramatics of your impotence and tell me what you want.” 

“Forgive me for savoring the moment,” Foyet said, teeth bared in a grin. “But very well.” He lifted the knife away from Spencer’s neck and moved it to his arm. “Are you familiar with the radial artery?” 

Aaron’s jaw clenched. His gave a short shake of his head. 

“I bet Spencer here is,” Foyet said, and nudged Spencer’s head with the gun. “Aren’t you, Spence?” 

Aaron gave himself permission to look down and meet Spencer’s eyes. Spencer looked back, swallowed, and nodded. 

“Why don’t you educate your dense lover?” 

“The radial artery,” Spencer said, voice hoarse, “Is the main artery of the lateral aspect of the forearm.” 

“And what happens when I cut it?” 

“Rapid arterial bleeding.” 

“What does that mean for you?” 

“I’m already suffering from blood loss,” Spencer said. Aaron blinked quickly to keep his eyes clear. Spencer’s voice was calm and steady, if weak. “And even if I wasn’t, pressure will need to be applied quickly, and maintained, or I will go into hemorrhagic shock.” 

“Smart boy, this one,” Foyet said, and ran his fingers through Spencer’s hair. “So, Aaron, I’m going to slice open this artery, and then I’m going to leave and I will see how many times I can slide into your son before he croaks. You can stay and stop the bleeding, or you can chase me. It’s your choice.” 

“I will catch you,” Aaron said. He hoped his voice sound as strong as he was trying to make it, but he didn’t think so. It was hard to tell over the pounding in his ears. “We will stop you.” 

“Promises, promises,” Foyet said, and pressed down with the knife. 

* * *

“_AARON! _” 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed that in the transfer from LiveJournal to Google Docs to Ao3 for some reason there is an extra space around italicized characters in the old material which... I might fix someday but it is not today.

For a moment, as the knife cut through Spencer’s skin, everything felt muted, sluggish. Aaron could see it happening but couldn’t stop it. Spencer’s cry came through gritted teeth, his eyes clenched shut, and Foyet’s eyes grew wide as he pulled the knife out. 

For half a heartbeat, everything was still. Then blood spurted from Spencer’s arm and Foyet rolled off the bed, disappearing from sight. Aaron was already moving forward, gun going into his holster, pulling off his belt. 

Blood soaked the front of his shirt as he slipped the belt under Spencer’s right arm, but he managed to keep it out of his eyes. He pulled the belt tight, felt blood between his fingers, hot—he could hear Foyet’s laughter from the stairs, sounding like he was hearing it through cotton—

Spencer hissed in sharply as he fastened the belt. “Aaron—” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Aaron said, making a quick mental catalog of the overall injuries. Spencer was shirtless, wearing jeans, and there was a graze wound on his right side over his ribs. His chest was riddled with lacerations and his left pant leg was soaked with blood around his thigh, but wasn’t actively bleeding from what he could tell. The second shot he'd heard. Aaron glanced to the side—

There was a hole where most of his left big toe should be. The third shot. 

Aaron kept a utility knife clipped to his holster and he grabbed it, cutting the zip tie of the uninjured arm first. He grabbed a corner of the blanket and pressed it to the wound. “Hold this, here—” 

“_Aaron,_” Spencer gasped. “Wait—” 

Aaron cut his other arm free. “Keep your arm up. Hold here, tight! As tight as you can! You’ll be okay, I promise, I promise—” 

The air smelled like iron and the footsteps were fading. 

“I’m sorry,” Aaron said. “I have to go. Keep pressure on. Do you have a phone?” 

“No, please—” Spencer tried to sit up. 

Aaron pushed him back. “Keep your arm up.” He pulled one of the phones out and punched in Rossi’s number, put the speaker on, and put it on Spencer’s chest. “Tell Dave where you are, he’ll get medics to you. I’ll come back, I promise.” 

Spencer’s face was sheet white, but Aaron didn’t dare wait any longer. Foyet had Haley and Jack. 

* * *

He held his gun in front of him as he moved down the stairs as quickly as he dared. There was no light, but at least the stairs were even. He could see the outline of the door at the bottom, ajar. He stopped behind it, holding his breath and listening. He heard nothing, braced himself, then kicked it open and stepped through. 

He had just enough time to recognize the kitchen before something struck the side of his head. He moved with it, lessening the impact, but it still toppled him sideways, and then weight was on top of him, and _ sharp _ pain blossomed in his side. He lost his grip on his gun and heard it slide across the floor. 

“That didn’t take long! Is he dead already?” 

Aaron struck out blindly, ears ringing and spots in his vision. “I see you didn’t get very far,” he ground out, managing to dodge Foyet’s next punch and scramble to his feet. 

“I know,” Foyet said, laughing, drawing away and holding his arms out. He had his gun in hand. “Oh, I know, I just couldn’t give up the opportunity to hear him die!” 

“You should have gone while you could,” Aaron said, and shouted as he rushed forward, grabbing Foyet around the waist and tackling him. He grabbed for the gun and they rolled together on the floor, fighting for control of the weapon. “Why are you still here!” he shouted. 

It didn’t make sense. Foyet should have had his escape plan ready to go, he should have been much further ahead. 

“Aaron, Aaron, A—” Aaron’s fist connected with Foyet’s jaw, knocking him back. It was long enough for him to rip his gun out of Foyet’s grasp, arm it, and get it aimed at Foyet’s forehead. 

Foyet froze, a huge grin on his face, and he held his hands out. 

“Where are Jack and Haley?” Aaron demanded. 

Foyet started laughing. 

“_Where are Jack and Haley?_” Aaron’s grip on the gun was so tight his hands trembled. 

“They’re safe, they’re safe, you think I would let anything happen to them before I do?” 

Aaron struck him across the face. “She got there on her own, so she can leave on her own. Tell me why I don’t shoot you _ right now!_” 

Foyet’s gaze shifted and his eyes lit up. 

“Aaron?” 

Aaron stopped breathing. He looked to the side, far enough to see Spencer in his peripheral. 

“What are you doing?” he said, gasping, barely recognizing his own voice. “You need to stay still!” 

“Don’t do this,” Spencer said. He took a few steps forward, moving into Aaron’s sight, and slumped against the wall. There was nothing to hold him up and he slid to the floor. The black belt stood out against his skin, his fingers lacked all color. He hadn’t brought the blanket, but instead, was pressing his fingers to the spot directly above the wound. “Don’t let him turn you into this, you can’t…” 

“He’ll never stop,” Aaron said, looking back at Foyet. “Not until he has them.” 

“You know it’s true,” Foyet crooned. “You know I’ll get out.” 

“He’s not getting away this time,” Aaron said. “I can’t let him.” 

“Please, Aaron,” Spencer breathed. “You’re better than this. Please...” 

There was so much blood. It soaked Spencer’s shirt, his pants. Aaron could see two of the bullet wounds now, one grazed his side, the other was in his leg. The third he couldn’t find. 

“Put the gun down, please...” 

“Yes, Aaron,” Foyet said. “Put the gun down now. Wouldn’t want you to turn into a murderer with dear Spencer watching.” 

_ There_. 

That was why Foyet was still here. 

_ ...But why weren’t the medics...? _

The problem was, Foyet wasn’t wrong about getting out. There wasn’t a prison in the world that Aaron believed could hold him. 

“He’ll go to jail, where he belongs,” Spencer said. “He won’t get anything less than life. _ You know that_.” 

“Oh, but with good behavior I’ll get privileges,” Foyet said. “And suddenly I feel _such _ a change of heart!” 

“He’ll never change,” Aaron said, shaking his head. 

“I’m not going to last much longer without help.” 

Aaron shook his head again. He wasn’t moving from this spot until Foyet was either dead or being handcuffed by his team. They would get here any minute. The medics would have beaten them, though, and they should already be here. “We’re in here!” he shouted. Maybe they were holding just outside until they knew they were clear. “I’m an FBI agent, I have the suspect held at gunpoint, we need help!” 

Foyet started laughing. There was blood on his teeth from when Aaron had punched him, and with the sound, he became aware of the stab wound in his side. He was losing blood, too. “Spencer,” Aaron said, “Where are the medics?” 

“There’s no signal,” Spencer said, and Foyet’s laughter grew louder. He swallowed and grimaced. “There’s a jammer somewhere, I couldn’t call anyone.” His voice was weak, but calm. “When I pass out, I’ll lose my hold on the artery.” 

“Go on,” Foyet said. “You know what you have to do.” 

Aaron swallowed and blinked quickly. He knew he was being helped by adrenaline, and couldn’t tell how much blood he’d lost. There was no telling what would happen if he tried to handcuff Foyet alone. 

“_Aaron_,” Spencer begged. “You’re better than him, please—” 

Aaron closed his eyes— 

“_AARON!” _

—and squeezed the trigger. 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really, really sorry.

“What happened after that?” Strauss asked. 

Aaron swallowed. He had kept his eyes closed for most of the retelling, but he opened them now, looking at the silent, blinking recorder in the middle of the conference table. “I knew the jammer had to be in the house, somewhere that Foyet could have reached after calling Haley and before I caught him. I searched the body, it wasn’t there. He would have needed to turn it on quickly, he didn’t have much time before I attempted to call Agent Rossi. So I looked in the bedroom upstairs.” 

Making it up the stairs had been difficult, and he ran the risk of not making it back down. The stab wound in his side hadn’t been precise like most of Foyet’s work, but a random strike, and there was no telling what the damage was and how long he had after the adrenaline cleared. Medics wouldn’t come in until they knew it was safe, and his team would be approaching only with great caution. 

“And that was when you found it?” 

Aaron blinked, coming out of the memory. “Yes,” he said. “Under the bed. He would have turned it on before going downstairs.” 

“Your team has spoken to the immense psychological pressure you were under,” Strauss said. “How do you feel about their assessment?” 

“I think they’re right,” Aaron said quietly. He looked at his hands, folded in his lap, covered with bruises. There were stitches in his side and they ached every time he took a breath. “I’m not saying that to excuse my actions, and I take full responsibility for what I did. But they are right.” 

Straus nodded. “And after you turned off the jammer—” 

_ —destroyed it with an aching sob— _

“—That was when you called Agent Rossi.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

Strauss watched him for a few moments, then sighed and took her glasses off and set them on the table. “We have a recording of that call on file, I won’t ask you to describe it.” 

Aaron swallowed. “Thank you, ma’am,” he whispered. 

* * *

_ “Aaron?” _

_ “Send the medics in, send them in right now!” _

_ The footsteps on the recording were loud, you could tell the caller was stumbling on the stairs. Rossi yelled something, but it was muffled on the recording. _

_ “Oh god, oh my god, Spencer—” His breathing was heavy into the mouthpiece. _

_ “Aaron, what happened? Where is Foyet?” _

_ “He’s dead,” Aaron’s voice sobbed. “I shot him.” _

_ “Okay, it’s okay. They’re coming in, can you hear them?” _

_ “I can hear them.” The phone hit the floor and the recording became muffled. “Spencer? _ Spencer?_” _

_ More muffled voices, footsteps, shouting. _

_ “Sir, we have him, let go. Do you know his blood type?” _

_ “It’s AB-negative.” _

_ “Okay.” _

_ There was more shouting in the background, someone kicked the phone, and nothing more could be distinguished. _

* * *

“Why not handcuff Foyet and have him taken into custody?” 

“I felt that the risk was too great,” Aaron said. “I had lost blood and he hadn’t. I couldn’t leave him alone with Spencer to look for the jammer, even handcuffed. I couldn’t safely bring him with me.” 

“What did you feel your choices were?” Strauss asked. 

Aaron took a deep breath, held it, and let it go. “I felt that my choice was Foyet’s life or Spencer’s, or my son’s if he got free.” 

“So even knowing that your wife and son were in an unknown location that only Foyet knew, you chose to shoot him.” 

“Yes,” Aaron said. “From the phone call, I knew that wherever Haley was, she would be able to leave. I also knew that we had Foyet’s cell phone, and even if the call history was deleted, Garcia would be able to find the number he had called to reach her.” 

“Which you were right about,” Strauss said. “I understand they’re settling back in at home?” 

“With Foyet gone, yes.” 

Strauss nodded and sighed. She leaned forward a little. “Please forgive this next question, but the review board has asked for your feelings about part of the autopsy report.” 

“That he was shot execution-style.” 

“Yes.” 

“I feel that it is an accurate description,” Aaron said. “He was under my control, at the time. That is how I would describe it.” 

“And what of your decision to leave your team?” 

“I knew, working from Foyet’s profile, that he would be willing to stretch out the engagement for as long as necessary to get what he wanted.” 

“You.” 

Aaron nodded. 

“Please remember to speak for the recording.” 

“Yes.” 

“So you went rogue.” 

“I took the action needed to bring the engagement to a conclusion,” Aaron said. He lifted his chin. “Too long, and he would have grown bored and killed Spencer regardless. He already proved his willingness by killing Father James.” 

“That is your official opinion?” 

“It is.” 

“Very well.” Strauss reached out and turned off the recorder. “That is all, Agent Hotchner. The review board will hand down their determination within a few days.” 

“Thank you,” Aaron said, standing. He kept his hand over his side and the fresh stitches as he walked. When he touched the doorknob, he heard Strauss stand. 

“Aaron?” 

He looked to the side, just enough to see her out of the corner of his eye. 

“I’m very sorry, for everything you’ve lost.” 

Aaron nodded his head, once, and left the room. 

* * *

“Are you ready for this?” Dave asked as he put the car into park. 

Aaron stared out the window up at the hospital. “No,” he said. “But that doesn’t change anything.” 

“Truer words,” Dave said. “Listen, are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” 

Aaron nodded. 

“Okay. If you change your mind, give me a call. I’ll be right here.” 

* * *

“They have the paperwork ready for you, sir,” the orderly said from behind him. 

Aaron nodded, looking through the window into the room. The blinds were open far enough to see inside. Someone was already waiting just past the bed, standing in the corner. There were wires and IVs and monitors, blinking lights and dripping solutions. From his own time in the hospital after Foyet, and from standing by countless victims’ bedsides, he knew what each number meant and he already knew what the room would smell like, sound like. There would be no more surprises. They’d talked about what was about to happen, and he was as ready as he ever would be. He breathed in through his nose to steady himself, then went into the room. 

Spencer looked up when the door opened, met his eyes for a moment, then looked away. 

“Thank you for coming.” 

“Of course,” Aaron said, quietly. He lingered near the door. “They think you’re strong enough for the second surgery, then…?” 

Spencer nodded. “I wanted to get this done before I go under. Just in case.” 

Aaron took a deep breath, and wondered if Spencer could hear the shudder. “Who are you giving it to?” 

“I don’t think who I give my medical power of attorney to is really any of your business,” Spencer said. “You just need to know it isn’t you anymore.” He gestured to the man standing in the corner. “This is Paul, he’s the hospital’s notary.” 

“You know I don’t need to be here for this part,” Aaron said. It hurt, more than he wanted to admit, that he would have to watch this. That Spencer was _ forcing _ him to watch this, because he wanted it. 

_ With what you forced him to watch… _

“I’m aware,” Spencer said. He opened a thin folder. The revocation form was there, marked with two different colors of highlighter, and Aaron stood silently while Spencer filled it out. “Is that everything?” he asked when he was finished, looking up at the notary. 

Paul glanced over the page and nodded, and began notarizing the document. 

It only took a minute, and with a stroke of a pen, the only legal connection Aaron had ever shared with Spencer was gone. 

“There,” the notary said. “I just need to make a scan, then we’ll be done.” He took the page to a portable scanner, hooked up to a desktop in the corner. No one spoke as he connected a USB to the scanner and fed the paper through, then he handed the original back to Spencer. 

“Thank you,” Spencer said. “Would you leave us alone?” 

“Of course. I’ll send you a copy.” 

Spencer waited until he was gone, then looked at Aaron and held the document out. “This is for you.” 

Aaron swallowed, nodded, and stepped forward to take it. He tried to meet Spencer’s eyes but he looked away. Aaron stepped back, holding the paper as though it was something fragile. “When is the surgery?”

“In a few hours.” 

“When—after—do you—” 

“I can’t,” Spencer whispered. “Not yet.” 

Aaron’s fists clenched and the paper crumpled in his grip. “You know I didn’t have a choice,” he said. “You were _ there—_”

“Yes, I was there,” Spencer said. “I was there to watch you decide to kill a man.” 

“It was the _ only way _ to keep us all safe!” 

“You had an unarmed man at gunpoint, and that was the only thing you could think of?” Spencer demanded, pushing himself up. The heart rate monitor started beeping an alert. “You could have shot him in the knee, or knocked him out, or handcuffed him to the fridge or—or—_anything _ except what you did!” 

“Sometimes,” Aaron said, “Their second chance isn’t worth the risk.” 

“You took the easy way out. You let him do exactly what he wanted, make you like him!” 

“I am _ nothing _ like him,” Aaron said, feeling heat rising to his face. He looked at the paper, then back at Spencer. “You know what? I’m glad you decided to have this done. Don’t call me when the surgery is over.” He turned and strode out of the room, hearing Spencer shout his name, but he ignored it and kept walking. 

* * *

“Hey, that didn’t take … whoa,” Dave said, as Aaron got in the car and slammed the door shut. “...Everything okay?” 

“It’s done, just get out of here.” 

“What _ happened?_” 

Aaron opened his mouth to tell Dave about Spencer’s stupid, irrational insults, but when he tried to speak, the only thing that came out was a sob. “Please just drive,” he managed. 

“Okay,” Dave said. He started the car. “Your place, my place, a drinking place?” 

Aaron managed a short laugh. “Your place _is _ a drinking place.” 

“That’s true,” Dave admitted, and put the car into gear. “My place it is.” 

* * *

“The problem is,” Aaron said, as Rossi handed him a fourth finger of scotch, “What if he’s right? What if I could have done something else? We know the kind of escape risk he is now, we could’ve taken precautions.” 

“Yeah, and he would’ve been locked down tight,” Dave said. He sat next to Aaron, still on his first drink. “If you’d managed to get him handcuffed, subdued, and found the jammer to call for help before one of you bled out. But what happens in five years, ten, fifteen? Wardens change, they forget, guards get sloppy. Foyet plays nice and they start to trust him, appeals come around and he never gets out, but he gets more privileges. You really think he wouldn’t have spent every moment planning how to escape? You didn’t have a choice. If he can’t understand that, well, then…” 

“You don’t think you and I are blinded by what we do?” 

“Well sure, but you don’t think he’s biased from the life he’s led, too? Catholic or not, he believes in the human spirit, and redemption.” 

Aaron blinked. 

“And he’s probably never seen someone shot in the head before, so that might take some time to process.” 

Aaron sighed and let his head fall back. “I don’t know why he doesn’t see why I had to.” 

“He’s upset,” Dave said. “He’s been through trauma, and everyone handles that differently. You know that.” 

“I know.” Aaron closed his eyes. After a moment, he laughed. “After everything, _ everything_, can you believe this is how it ends, _ after _ Foyet is gone?” 

“No,” Dave said. “Because I don’t believe this is how it ends.” 

Aaron opened one bleary eye to look at him. 

“Look, he’s working through it,” Dave said. “He’s scared of living the rest of his life with this memory. Hell, he’s probably already having nightmares about that.” 

Aaron’s stomach twisted. He knew how to deal with these things, he should be there to help Spencer through it, hold him when the nightmares struck. He shouldn’t be _ alone_. “_T__hanks_.” 

“Anytime. My point is, you’re a central part of that trauma, and I’m not surprised he doesn’t want anything to do with you right now. But I can’t believe it’s going to stay like that. And maybe I’m wrong. But honestly, you two make me sick with how perfect you are for each other. Just wait and see, don’t lose hope.” 

“How long do I wait?” 

“As long as it takes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I was doing a full re-work of this fic, I'd add the original signing of the medical powers of attorney as a significant moment. In Virginia between 2006 - 2009 (the year this chapter takes place in), same-sex marriage was illegal, and the state constitution had an amendment defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman. There wouldn't have been terribly many other legal options for them in their home state. 
> 
> As is, we will just have to pretend that that happened, and that it was a significant, meaningful, and even romantic moment in their relationship.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes! I promise I'm not abandoning this story. We had a tragedy in our family and frankly I forgot I was even uploading it. So I have two chapters for you today! And one is nicely Christmas-themed. I wasn't planning to post it because it didn't turn out quite like I wanted and it's not essential to the plot, but I think it has some nice parts. (It is not carefully proofread, if you spot any typos please let me know!)

Aaron looked around the studio apartment, shrugging off his coat. “Roomy,” he remarked. 

“Has everything I need,” Sean said from behind. He had Aaron’s duffle bag over his shoulder. “I warned you it was small.” 

“This is New York, I was expecting small,” Aaron said. He hung his coat on one of the nails sticking out next to the door. “This is miniscule.” 

“Well, you’ll be alone most of the time,” Sean said. He unlooped his scarf and hung it next to Aaron’s coat. “Besides,  _ you’re _ the one who wanted to crash. And you still haven’t told me why.” 

“I told you, I—"   


“Yeah, yeah, Haley has Jack, you wanted to reconnect, what a shame we don’t talk more.” Aaron couldn’t see his face, but he could hear the eye roll as Sean squeezed by and tossed his duffel onto the futon. “You don’t have to be a profiler to tell that’s some bullshit. Especially since you know I’ll be at work most of the next week. C’mon, man.” 

“Where’s the bathroom?”

Sean pointed. 

Aaron dipped his head in a brief nod and crossed the room. He closed the door behind him and locked it, then looked around. There was a single pedestal sink with cracks in the bowl and rust stains dripping down from the two old-style knobs. The unframed oval mirror was mounted on the brick wall, and to his right, there was a toilet and a small, yellowed tub and shower. 

He met his own stare in the cloudy mirror. There were bags under his eyes and the bright overhead light was doing him no favors. He took several breaths through his nose, then reached over and flushed the toilet. He straightened and turned on the cold water, splashed his face a few times, then patted his skin dry on a threadbare hand towel and went back into the main room. 

Sean was standing in the middle of the room, looking at his phone and typing something. “I just got called in,” he said. “Feel free to use the futon, I think there’s an extra blanket in the closet. Beer’s in the fridge, if you can find anything to eat it’s yours. I normally get takeout, there’s a good Chinese place a few blocks down. If you leave, you have to lock the door from the outside, there’s a spare key on the fridge.” 

“You aren’t staying?” 

“New waiter called off,” Sean said. “One of the line cooks can switch to cover, but now they need someone else on the line. I’ll probably be back around four, I’ll try not to wake you up.” 

Aaron nodded and watched his brother grab his scarf and leave. A moment later, the deadbolt was locked from the outside, and then he was alone. 

He exhaled and put his hands on his hips, looking around. Sean’s apartment was in an older building, just wide enough for a twin bed at the end of the room that sat next to the only window. The bathroom was on the same wall as the recessed area where a fridge, stove, and small counter with a sink made something like a kitchen. Sean had installed floating shelves that held a dish drying rack and what Aaron assumed was the total of his dishware, and a handful of spice jars and Cup Noodles. And quite a few hard liquor bottles. 

The futon sat in the center of the space, facing the window, and halfway between it and the bed was a low dresser with a TV on it. The cable ran down from the ceiling and Aaron followed it with his eyes to a hole in the corner above the window. Fairy lights circled the entire room, providing soft light that Aaron was sure made the spare bearable. They looked like a permanent fixture, which would mean there were no Christmas decorations, less than a week away. 

Not at all surprising. Holidays had never been a point of emphasis in their childhood home, and Christmas was no different. Haley and her family had taught Aaron a lot about what it meant to be with loved ones during this time of year, but Sean had been in that house longer than him, and he’d never settled down with anyone after leaving. 

Aaron rubbed his face. Sometimes he wished he’d gone back, done more for his little brother, but Sean had only been six when he’d escaped that place. Maybe that was why he’d never gone back. Or maybe he was too scared, or, too selfish to face his father and help his brother. 

If he’d just gone back… As an adult, he would have been strong enough, and now, Sean was just as damaged as he’d once been, if not more—

Stop. 

He couldn’t blame himself for the evil actions of other men. 

Even if Spencer did—

_ Stop _ . 

Aaron scowled at his bag, then grabbed it to change and get some sleep. 

* * *

When Aaron woke up, the light coming through the blinds told him it was day. A glance at his cell phone told him it was almost 9, a shockingly late hour for him to sleep in until. Sean was in bed, still asleep, and Aaron vaguely remembered hearing him come in sometime late. 

He went through his morning rituals as quietly as possible so as not to wake his brother, and decided to go out for coffee and food. The key was hanging on the fridge as Sean had described and Aaron locked up, heading out. 

He found a coffee cart within a few blocks and a burrito restaurant not too far from that and sat in a booth with torn red vinyl and a sticky table, eating and watching the foot traffic outside. Christmas was in four days. Twenty days ago, Spencer had effectively cut Aaron from his life. Thirty days ago, he’d been hoping to be home for their first planned Christmas together, thinking about gifts and decorations. 

Instead, he was eating a burrito and drinking burnt coffee in a restaurant that had thinned out tinsel strung over their bar and mismatched blinking lights in the window. 

He sighed and stared at his coffee, then finished it and wrapped up the rest of his burrito for later. If this was where he celebrated Christmas, he’d at least do it a  _ little _ right. 

* * *

When he got back to Sean’s apartment later that afternoon he was carrying four bags of decorations and holding a plastic tree under his arm. Sean was gone—he’d texted that he was picking up an extra shift—so Aaron had the apartment to himself and he set right about unpacking his purchases. 

* * *

Sean came home sometime around six while Aaron was watching the evening news. He heard the key in the lock behind him and turned at the waist to watch him come in. 

Sean was holding his phone to his ear with his shoulder as he jiggled the key out of the lock, frowning in concentration. “No, I told you I can’t—right, of course I understand but—no, listen, god dammit Frank … Yeah? Well fuck you too.” He muttered a curse as he finally got the key out, then grabbed his phone and flipped it shut, finally looking up. He stopped. “Uh.” 

“Everything okay?” Aaron asked. 

“I mean—yeah, just, don’t you think this is a bit much?” 

“I mean with your conversation,” Aaron said, raising an eyebrow. 

“What? Oh, yeah,” Sean said. “Restaurant owner, he’s kind of a dick. He keeps trying to get me to split my hours between his two places so he doesn’t have to pay me overtime.” 

Aaron frowned. “That’s illegal.” 

“It’s a grey area.” 

‘No, it’s actually illegal. You should file a complaint.” 

Sean snorted. “Sure, and get blacklisted from every restaurant in New York for being a troublemaker.” 

“Sean—” 

“Aaron, I’m asking you to leave it alone. This is my life and I don’t need you coming in here trying to fix it, okay?” 

Aaron opened his mouth, closed it, then nodded once. “Fine.” 

“Thank you. Now what the fuck is all this?” 

Aaron looked around at the decorations. There were colored lights strung around with the fairy lights, tinsel ringing the TV base, some assorted decorations sitting around on shelves, and a pre-lit plastic tree between the dresser and the bed. He’d hung some generic ornaments on the branches and put a star on top. “Christmas decorations.” 

“I can see that. Maybe I should ask  _ why _ the fuck is all this.” 

Aaron shrugged. “Seemed festive.” 

“Christ,” Sean said, shaking his head. “You look just like Dad.” 

Something cold went down Aaron’s spine. “What?”

“Sitting alone surrounded by cheap decorations drinking whiskey?” Sean gestured at the glass in his hand. “Classic Dad.” 

“That is not fair.” 

“Neither is the fact that you got to go to boarding school and I got to stay in that place, but here we are,” Sean said. 

Aaron’s jaw clenched. “Do we need to talk about this?” 

Sean crossed to the dresser. “God no. I just want this all gone by the time I get back.” 

“Get back from where?” 

“Work,” Sean said, rummaging around in the drawer. “Just came back for a clean shirt, they need help in front of house and I didn’t have anything nice.” He pulled out a black collared shirt. “I mean it, all of it gone.” 

“It’s just for four days, can—” 

“All of it!” Sean snapped, and left before Aaron could respond. 

* * *

Aaron took it all down. It was gone before Sean got home, sometime after midnight. He only knew because that was the last thing he’d seen on his watch before slumping over on the futon, too many fingers of whiskey gone. 

* * *

They barely spoke or saw each other for the next two days. Aaron spent his days walking around the city, trying to enjoy it as a tourist, but mostly only succeeding in reliving old cases. When he came back in the evenings Sean was at work, and would be sleeping when Aaron woke up. 

He wasn’t necessarily surprised by how events were unfolding, but it wasn’t why he’d come. So the morning of Christmas Eve he stayed in the apartment, made coffee, fried some eggs, and settled on the futon with a book. 

Sean didn’t wake up until sometime after two in the afternoon. Aaron heard him stirring and looked up to see him sitting and rubbing his eyes, peering in his direction. 

“Not going out?” 

“I came here to see you,” Aaron said. “And it’s Christmas Eve, thought I would stay in.” 

“I have to be at work in two hours.” 

“I know,” Aaron said. “That’s two more hours than we would have if I wasn’t here.” 

“Are you going to tell me what this is about at some point?” Sean asked, standing and stretching. 

Aaron closed his book, running his thumb over his book spine. “I’m sorry,” he said. “That I didn’t come back.” 

Sean had been reaching for a mug and he froze, the muscles in his neck visibly tensing. “We really don’t have to do this.” 

“You clearly still have strong feelings about it,” Aaron said. “The least I can do is apologize.” 

“That helps a lot, thanks.” 

“Then what do you want from me?” 

Sean set his mug down on the counter with a little more force than necessary, blowing out a breath. “I don’t want  _ anything _ from you. Have I ever done or said anything that would make you think that?” 

“No,” Aaron admitted. “I just…” 

“When are you going to stop deflecting and tell me what this is really about, huh? I can do a Google search, you know, and I know you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t suspended.” 

It was Aaron’s turn to freeze. “What?” 

“Christ,” Sean said. He poured cold coffee from the morning into his mug and walked back over to his bed, looking out the window. “I know about George Foyet.” 

Aaron’s throat tightened. He swallowed, and it hurt. He stood. “I have to go.” 

“Oh, so it’s fine to talk about my problems, but not yours. I see.” 

“That’s not it,” Aaron said. 

“Then what  _ is? _ ” 

Aaron shook his head and went for his shoes. 

“Is it Spencer?” 

Aaron’s breath left him so fast he felt dizzy. “I have to go,” he repeated, stepping into his shoes and striding for the door. He half expected Sean to say something else, but his brother was silent as he grabbed his coat and left. 

* * *

Dramatically storming out, Aaron mused later as he wandered through a small restaurant district, worked better if you had a key to get back in. He had his wallet and cell phone so he could get a hotel room, but after some time to walk and clear his mind, he knew that wasn’t what he wanted to do. 

So here he was, looking at Sean’s restaurant. It was small, like most places in the area, but it was full. The menu was posted outside and looked to be some sort of Mediterranean fusion cuisine. Aaron went in and was promptly greeted by a host asking how many and advising a wait. 

“I just need to talk to Sean Hotchner,” Aaron said. “Only for a moment.” 

“Oh, um, yeah, let me go see if he has a minute.” 

She disappeared behind the counter and was back quickly. “Hotch said to tell you to wait around back and he’ll be there in a minute.” 

One corner of Aaron’s mouth quirked up. “Thank you,” he said, then added, “You know he hates that nickname, right?” 

She blinked. “No, that’s what everyone calls him.” 

“I know,” Aaron said. “Me too.” He left her to make what she would of that and exited, making his way to the ally and back entrance. 

A slamming door and the rattling of a trash can lid announced Sean’s exit and Aaron waited with his hands in his coat pockets for him to pick his way over. 

“I’m guessing you need a key.” 

“Yes,” Aaron admitted. “And I wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have acted that way.” 

“I knew it would get a rise out of you and I did it anyway,” Sean said with a shrug.    
“Can’t blame you entirely.” He held out his key. 

Aaron took it, then hesitated, not sure what to say. 

“We’re closing a little early tonight,” Sean said. “I should be home in a few hours.” 

Aaron nodded. “I’ll see you then.” 

* * *

Sean knocked to be let in when he got home and Aaron let him in. They were able to kill a few minutes with talking about the restaurant while Sean changed, and then they were both sitting on the futon, looking at the blank TV screen. 

“You wanna talk about what you’re really doing here?” Sean asked. 

Aaron stared determinedly straight ahead. “Not really.” 

“Running from things, got it.” 

“I’m  _ not— _ ” Aaron started, fists clenching, then sighed. “I meant what I said, about wanting to see you.” 

“Yeah, but not enough that it’s the only reason you’re here. Sucks to be alone for Christmas, I know that. Especially when you didn’t expect to be.” 

“When did you get so insightful, anyway?” 

“I  _ am _ your brother.” 

“I suppose that’s true.” 

They sat in silence for a few moments, then Sean blew out a breath. “I don’t care if you’re gay, you know.” 

Aaron closed his eyes. “I’m not gay.” 

“Coulda fooled me, with those pictures. So were they photoshopped?” 

Aaron swallowed. “If you mean the ones of me kissing a priest … no, they’re not photoshopped.” 

“So … you  _ are _ gay.” 

“ _ No _ , Sean,” Aaron said. He rubbed his face. “But I did fall in love with a man.” 

“Bisexual?” 

“I really never thought very much about it.” 

“Alright, so, what happened?” 

“He got hurt,” Aaron said. “Because of me, because of what I do. And he was scared, and he left me. I can’t—” Aaron cleared his throat, blinking quickly. “I can’t blame him.” 

“So he’s okay?” Sean asked. 

“He will be.” 

“I found some articles about Foyet,” Sean said. “Talking about that other priest who died and Spencer having injuries, but nothing went into detail and that was the last I could find.” 

“Is that how you found the pictures?” 

“Yeah,” Sean admitted. “You called and I thought it was strange so I searched your name and found the articles about the shooting and you being on leave, and when I looked for Spencer’s name to see if there was anything else I found those tabloid pictures.” 

“Foyet took those,” Aaron said. “He must have stalked me for months.” 

“That’s … awful,” Sean said. “Jesus, Aaron.” 

Aaron took a shuddering breath. “The worst part—” he began, before his voice broke, and he lowered his face into his hand. “The worst part is not being able to help him now, not knowing how he is.” 

Sean let out a breath and squeezed Aaron’s shoulder. “But he’s alive.” 

Aaron nodded. 

“So there’s time.” The hand slid over his back and Sean’s arm went around him. “I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry I said you looked like Dad.” 

Aaron barked a laugh. “Yeah, well, I probably did.” 

“I mean, a little. But not in any important way. And you didn’t deserve that.” 

“I didn’t come back to help you.” 

“You were barely an adult. It wasn’t your responsibility, it was the state’s, and they’re the ones who failed. I’ve had a long time to think about it, and I haven’t blamed you for most of that.” 

“Thank you,” Aaron said, quietly. 

They sat for a few minutes while Aaron worked to get his breath steady again, and Sean politely said nothing of his occasional wiping of his cheeks. Then Aaron took a deep breath and sat up straight, and Sean shifted away. 

“So…” Sean said. “It’s kind of depressing in here, huh? Didn’t you buy some decorations or something?” 

Aaron looked at his brother and smiled. “Yeah,” he said. “I did.” 


	28. Chapter 28

Even though Foyet had been gone for months, Aaron continued to use the alarm system in his apartment diligently. He keyed in the code, set his keys and holster on the table, and tossed his jacket over a chair. 

The case he was returning home from had been one of the few good ones. Child abduction, and it had dragged on close to a week, but they’d found her, unharmed other than some dehydration and fright, and successfully brought the unsub in. It was as much of a win as they could ever get, and easily the best case he’d been in the field for since returning to active duty. 

He opened the fridge, looking at his options, then closed it and went to the pantry, repeating the motion. In the end he selected a box of Jack’s goldfish crackers and went to sit down on the couch. 

He was about twenty minutes into the evening news when there was a knock on the door. Aaron looked over his shoulder with a frown, put the crackers on the coffee table, and went to go look through the viewer. 

When he saw who was standing on the other side, he stopped breathing, staring for a long moment. Then he stepped back, disarmed the alarm, unlocked the deadbolts, took a deep breath, and opened the door. 

Spencer looked startled to see him. “Oh,” he said. “Hi.” 

Aaron frowned, not moving. “Hi.” 

Spencer opened his mouth, paused, licked his lips, then cleared his throat. He was leaning heavily against a cane. “I—I’m sorry, I know it’s inappropriate for me to just show up like this, but…” 

Aaron waited a beat. “But…?” he prompted. 

Spencer’s eyes lowered. “I wasn’t sure you’d answer if I called.” 

Aaron wasn’t either. “What do you want?” 

Spencer’s grip on the cane tightened, his fingers turning white. “Can I come in?” he asked, voice small. 

Aaron breathed out through his nose, jaw clenching. The tempting option was to shut the door without saying anything, but that was the petty choice, and could effectively destroy any chance of an eventual reconciliation. Which was still something he hoped or, or at least, he could vaguely remember hoping for, when he wasn’t feeling so  _ pissed _ . 

So instead of doing that, he nodded and stepped aside. 

“Thank you,” Spencer said, ducking his head a little as he came in. He lingered just beyond Aaron as he secured the door, leaning against the cane, his free hand stuffed in his pocket.

Aaron took longer than necessary keying in the code, and even then waited a few moments before turning around and  _ really _ looking at Spencer. 

His hair was shorter now, above his ears and showing off its natural curl. There were a few lingering snowflakes melting, both in his hair and on his shoulders. He looked paler than usual, and while it may have been because of the dark grey overcoat, Aaron was certain the circles under his eyes were darker. 

“Um,” Aaron said, and gestured towards the coat rack. “Please. Can I get you anything?” 

Spencer shook his head and took off his coat, but didn’t hang it up. “I…” He tucked his hair behind his ear—or would have, if it was long enough. “My mom died,” he blurted. “Last week. And, you and Father James are the only people I ever told about her, and, I just, I wondered, if I might, but I understand if you don’t…” 

Aaron stared for a moment, mouth open. “I’m—I’m so sorry,” he said. “Of course, please…” He looked around for somewhere to offer Spencer a seat, but there wasn’t a single seat in the entire apartment that didn’t hold  _ some _ intimate memory. 

Spencer made the choice for him, hanging up his coat and sitting at the table.

Aaron stood there at a loss for what to do. “Can I get you anything?” he asked again. 

“I drove…” 

“If you can’t drive later, the couch is open,” Aaron said. “Up to you. Amaretto?” 

Spencer hesitated, then nodded. 

Aaron made the drink for Spencer and poured club soda for himself. He sat down opposite from him at the table. Spencer took the glass and held it, but didn’t drink. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Spencer wouldn’t look up. “I’m not sure.” 

“What happened?” 

“Congestive heart failure,” Spencer said. He blinked a few times and wiped at his cheeks. “They were fighting it for a while, she just … her body couldn’t take any more.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Aaron said again. “Is there a service?” 

“It was on Thursday,” Spencer said. 

“Did you get to see her before?” 

“Yeah,” Spencer said. “They had an idea it was coming. It was good, she had a few good days. I think … of all the ways it could have happened, maybe this was one of the better ones. It was so much better than it could have been, and she’s not—” He covered his mouth with his hand, closing his eyes. “She’s not in pain anymore, I shouldn’t be this upset…” 

“Your  _ mom _ died,” Aaron said. “Of course you should be. You can’t try to logic your way out of this kind of grieving.” 

Spencer took a quick, shuddering breath and nodded. 

“Can I do anything?” 

Spencer shook his head, eyes still squeezed shut. “No,” he said, voice breaking on the word. “I just … needed to tell someone, and not be alone.” 

Aaron could understand that. “If there is anything, let me know.” 

“Okay,” Spencer said, nodding again and opening his eyes. “Thank you,” he added, giving Aaron a faint smile, before finally taking a swallow of his drink. 

Aaron lifted his own glass, taking the quiet moment to mentally exhale and try to get some kind of idea of how he was feeling. 

After a few moments, he accepted that he wasn’t going to be able to figure that out any time soon, so he settled for trying to avoid looking at Spencer’s neck for the time being. He took another sip, then frowned. “How did you know I would be home?” 

Spencer’s eyes widened and he took another gulp of amaretto. “Oh,” he said. “Um. That. ...Dave told me.” 

Aaron raised an eyebrow. “Dave told you?” 

“I’ve kind of … been staying at his place.” 

Aaron blinked. “ _ What? _ ” 

“I made him promise not to tell you,” Spencer said quickly. 

Aaron let out a breath. “Were you ever there when I was?” 

“ _ No _ .” Spencer’s answer was immediate. “That was one of his conditions. He wouldn’t lie to you when you were under his roof.” 

“Okay,” Aaron said. He rubbed his thumb up and down the glass. “How did that even happen?” 

“We ran into each other at Father James’s memorial,” Spencer said. “You must have told him about my house, at some point. He remembered and asked if I had anywhere to go.” 

Aaron nodded. “He’s a good man.” 

Spencer’s mouth turned up, just a little. “He is.” He finished his drink, and Aaron got up without a word to get the bottle. “How have you been?” Spencer asked, so quiet that Aaron almost didn’t hear him. 

Aaron paused, jaw clenching, then he cleared his throat and returned to the table and refilled the glass. “Fine,” he said. “I went through a formal review, I’m back in the field now.” 

Spencer nodded, not looking at him. “Haley and Jack?” 

“Good, they’re good,” Aaron said. “Back at home. Jack thinks he was on a grand adventure, Haley did such a good job keeping the truth from him.” 

Spencer smiled, gaze distant. “I’m glad,” he said. “School?” 

“High marks,” Aaron said, and he could hear his pride warming his voice. “He did a science project on dinosaurs. He asks about you sometimes.” 

“He does?” Spencer looked up. “What … do you tell him?” 

Aaron shrugged. “I tell him you’re not here anymore. Sometimes people stop being friends.” 

The expression that went over Spencer’s face was difficult to read, and Aaron tried not to think about it too hard. 

“And … you?” Aaron asked. “How have you been?” 

“Well,” Spencer said, and gripped the inside of his left arm. “I started some online university courses, and I’m working now. I’m actually starting a lease on my own place this week.” 

“That’s good,” Aaron said, hating the forced tone in his voice. “What, ah, what do you do?” 

Spencer glanced up at him with a small smile. “It’s so cliche,” he said. “You can’t laugh.” 

“I won’t.” 

“I’m a librarian.” 

Aaron couldn’t  _ quite _ stifle his laugh. “That’s—” he said, shaking his head, grinning. “That’s perfect.” 

“I know,” Spencer said, with a rueful grin and shake of his head. “Dave won’t shut up about it, it’s horrible.” 

“He’s good at that,” Aaron agreed. 

Spencer nodded, fidgeting with his glass and looking back down. 

Aaron leaned back in his chair, staring at his seltzer. He was out of small talk ideas, and Spencer wasn’t providing any. He took a deep breath. “How—” He cleared his throat. “How are you, really?” 

Spencer frowned. “Aaron, that’s not … That’s not why I’m here.” 

Aaron rubbed his face. “You show up unannounced in the middle of the night—” 

“It’s not even eleven—” 

“—After I don’t hear from you for  _ months _ , after what you did—” 

“What  _ I _ did?” Spencer demanded. 

“After you didn’t call—” 

“You told me not to!” 

Aaron closed his eyes and bowed his head, breathing out through his nose. He mentally counted to five, then looked up. “I think,” he said, “At the very least, you could let me know how you are.” 

Spencer was tense, pressed back into the chair. “Are you going to make me leave if I don’t?” 

“What—no,” Aaron said, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “No. Okay. Just … forget I asked.” He stared at his glass, then started to stand up. 

“I’m scared,” Spencer said, so quietly that Aaron almost didn’t hear him over the scrape of his chair. 

Aaron froze, staring at him. 

“Of—of a lot of things,” Spencer continued, staring determinedly at the table. The grip he had on the crook of his own arm looked painful. “Like if I never get full function of my hand back, or it never stops hurting.” 

“You’re still having pain?” Aaron sat back down. 

Spencer swallowed and nodded. “My radial nerve was damaged. I’m going to physical therapy, and treatment was soon enough that there’s a good chance of full recovery. But maybe not.” He glanced up. “They kept telling me how lucky I am the knife was so sharp.” 

Aaron’s fist clenched so hard and fast that his entire arm shook. He nodded once. “Thank you,” he said. “For telling me.” 

Spencer gave him a small smile. “I guess … thank you for asking.” He finally let go of his arm, reaching up to his neck. Aaron wasn’t sure if he was conscious of the move. “I—I know, there’s a lot, between us, but…” 

“We’ll get there,” Aaron said. Where  _ there _ was, he wasn’t sure. “Not tonight.” 

“Not tonight,” Spencer agreed. 

Aaron tilted his head, regarding the other man. “Star Trek?” 

Spencer’s eyes lit up. 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Aaron said, standing. “Original Series?” 

“Yes, please.” 

Aaron topped Spencer’s drink off and went to go get the DVD loaded. He heard Spencer make his way to the couch and when he turned around, he was already curled up on one side, snuggled up in a blanket. The corner’s of Aaron’s mouth quirked up and he took the other side of the couch. “‘Mirror, Mirror’ good?” he asked, picking up the remote. 

“It’s perfect,” Spencer said, and Aaron hit play. 


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is well right now <3

Aaron woke up early the next morning, considering how late he’d stayed up watching Star Trek, and stayed in bed for a while. It was strange, knowing Spencer was sleeping in his living room, and he still didn’t know how to feel about it. 

So he spent nearly an hour reading before his back began to protest and he got up, taking his time showering and getting ready for the day. When he finally ventured out of his room, he found Spencer still asleep, so he kept his movements quiet as he went about making coffee and breakfast. 

As he finished his coffee, he heard rustling from the couch. He filled a glass with water and went to the living room, kneeling in front of the couch. 

Spencer opened one bleary eye. “Coffee?” 

“Water first,” Aaron said, and held the glass out. 

Spencer grumbled but pushed himself up on one elbow and took it. 

“How’s your head?” 

“Been worse,” Spencer said. He tilted his head back to drink and Aaron found himself staring at his Adam’s apple, then Spencer’s hand shook and water sloshed everywhere. “Shit—” 

“It’s okay,” Aaron said quickly, taking the glass. He went to the kitchen for a towel and came back, handing it to Spencer, who dried himself and then mopped up what he could. He sat up when he was finished and covered his eyes with his right hand. His left hand—the one that had been holding the glass—he kept in his lap, fingers clenched into a fist. 

“Sorry,” he whispered. 

“It’s okay,” Aaron said again. He held the water back out. Spencer sighed and took it with his right hand, trying again with more success. When he finished the water he handed the glass back. “Did I say anything stupid?” 

“No,” Aaron said honestly. 

“Good.” Spencer looked relieved. 

Aaron stood and went to prepare Spencer’s coffee. When he came back, Spencer had straightened the pillows and folded the blanket. He was sitting again, leaning forward and rubbing his eyes. “Coffee,” Aaron said. 

Spencer accepted it, wrapping his fingers around the mug. 

“There are eggs on the counter,” Aaron said. “Help yourself to anything.” 

Spencer took in his outfit. “You’re going to work?” 

“For a few hours,” Aaron said. “Paperwork.” He took a deep breath. “I’d appreciate it if you were gone by the time I get home.” 

Spencer nodded, eyes lowered. 

“I’m going to ask you the same thing you asked me once,” Aaron said. “I’m trying to feel like myself again, get back to some kind of normal life. That can’t include you showing up in the middle of the night. I’m open to seeing you again, and talking, but not like this.” 

“I understand,” Spencer said. He gave a small laugh. “The irony doesn’t escape me.” 

“Good,” Aaron said. He hesitated, then reached out and pressed his hand over Spencer’s. “I’m so sorry about your mom,” he said, and then before he could do more than that, made himself leave. 

* * *

The office was quiet. His team was on leave for a few days and being a Saturday, the admin personnel weren’t in either. The majority of the offices around the bullpen were dark, with one notable exception. 

Aaron leaned in the doorway to Dave’s office, eyebrow raised, arms crossed. 

Dave looked up. “What are you doing here?” 

“I could ask you the same thing,” Aaron said. “Along with a few more questions.” 

Dave frowned for a moment, then his eyes widened. “Ah,” he said. “He told you.” 

“Yes, he did.” 

“You pissed?” 

Aaron blew out a breath. “No,” he admitted. “I know you promised not to tell me. How’s he doing?” 

“Couldn’t you have asked him that?” 

“I did,” Aaron said. “I want your opinion.” 

“My opinion is that you should listen to what he told you,” Dave said. “Anything happen?” 

“We watched Star Trek and he drank most of my amaretto.” Aaron sat down in the chair across from Dave. “Did you know his mom died?” 

“ _ What? _ ” Dave sat up straight. “When?” 

“Last week,” Aaron said. “The service lined up with our case.” 

Dave rubbed his face. “Damn. No wonder he wanted to stop by. Hell of a thing to be alone for.” 

Aaron nodded, looking out the window. It was another grey day, threatening to snow, and he thought about the way the flakes last night had melted in Spencer’s hair, and how badly he’d wanted to brush them away. 

“He still there?” 

Aaron shook his head. “I asked him to leave before I get home.” 

Dave clucked his tongue. 

Aaron gave him a look. “What?” 

“Oh, nothing.” 

“ _ What _ , Dave?” 

“Seems like it might have been a good opportunity to talk to him, is all,” Dave said, shrugging. “But instead you’re here.” 

Aaron shook his head. “It wasn’t the right time. Not with what he’s going through.” 

“That’s true,” Dave admitted. “ _ You _ okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Better than I would have thought I’d be.” 

“That’s good.” Dave glanced at the open office door. “You want a drink, or are you still working off last night?” 

“I didn’t drink,” Aaron said. “I thought one of us should stay sober.” 

“Probably for the best. So the offer stands.” 

“No,” Aaron said, standing. “Thank you. I actually do want to get some work done.” 

“Suit yourself,” Dave said. “And Aaron?” 

“Yes?” 

“Good luck.” 

Aaron snorted and left. 

* * *

His apartment was empty when he got home that evening, and Aaron didn’t know if he should be grateful or disappointed. He finally settled on the former, because it was what he’d asked for, but it felt strangely empty, more so than it had the last several months. 

He bypassed the pantry and went straight for the cabinet, pulling out the scotch. Drink in hand, he went to the desk and opened the top drawer, took out the paper on top, and went to sit on the couch. 

He leaned back, took a sip, and looked at the words that had held his resolve steady this long. 

_ I, Spencer Reid, hereby immediately revoke those portions covering decisions of the document titled Virginia Medical Power of Attorney that I previously executed on 29 November, 2008, which had appointed Aaron Hotchner as my agent. I hereby notify said agent and any other interested persons that all portions of said document are revoked.  _

_ This revocation takes effect immediately. A photocopy has the same effect as an original.  _

_ Signed this day of 11 December, 2009.  _

_ Spencer Reid _


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are all okay, and that those you love are safe.

Aaron’s phone rang six weeks later as he was driving home from work. He glanced at the ID, silenced the ringer, and finished his drive. Once home, he changed out of his work clothes and put some leftovers in the microwave. As he waited, he pulled his phone out and stared at the missed call notification, then called it back. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi,” Aaron said. “You called,” he added. 

“Yeah.” Spencer sounded relieved. “Listen … Do you want to get dinner? Nothing fancy. Just, take-out, maybe. Or just coffee?” 

_ Are you asking me out on a date? _ came to Aaron’s mind, an easy, playful response that would feel entirely too natural and be entirely inappropriate right now, for both of them. 

Behind him, the microwave beeped. 

“Aaron?” 

Aaron closed his eyes. “I’m here.” 

“I’m sorry, was…” He heard Spencer take a breath. “Was that too forward?” 

“No.” Aaron drummed his fingers on the counter. “Why now?” 

“I’d like to talk,” Spencer said quietly. 

Aaron turned around and pulled the plate out. “There’s a lot to talk about.” 

“I know.” 

Aaron clenched and unclenched his jaw, staring at the leftovers. Stale rice with some frozen peas and carrots mixed in and a dry chicken breast sprinkled with expired steak seasoning. “Okay, take-out.” 

“Really?” 

“Really,” Aaron said. “There are a couple things I’d like to say to you, too.” 

A pause. “Yeah, I know. So…” 

“There’s a new place by the mall?” 

“The one next to the place that closed that used to be good but then it was bad?” 

Aaron felt the corners of his mouth turn up. “Yes, that one,” he said. He checked his watch. Rush hour would be finished by now. “Thirty minutes?” 

“Thirty minutes,” Spencer agreed. 

Aaron closed his phone, took one more look at the plate of leftovers, then pitched the whole thing into the trash and went to grab his jacket. 

* * *

Spencer beat him there and was standing outside the restaurant, one hand stuffed into his coat pocket and the other wrapped around his cane. His eyes lit up for just a moment when he saw Aaron, then he ducked his head and looked down, shifting his weight as Aaron crossed the parking strip. 

“Hey,” he said. 

“Hello,” Aaron greeted. He pushed the door open and held it there. “Shall we?” 

Spencer gave him a small smile and Aaron followed him in. 

They were able to waste about five minute talking about the menu and placing their orders, and then they were sitting at a table with a few waters waiting for their food to come, silent. Spencer was tapping his fingers on his arm, gaze darting about. 

“How’s your foot?” Aaron asked. 

“You really want to do this here?” 

“It’s a simple—” Aaron shut his mouth and pinched the bridge of his nose. “What’s wrong with here?” 

“It’s a bit, um … bright,” Spencer said, gesturing around, avoiding Aaron’s eyes. 

“What, and you don’t want me profiling you?”

“What—no!” Spencer said, pressing his fingers over his eyes. When he lowered them, Aaron couldn’t help but notice how dark the circles underneath were. In the fluorescent lighting, he looked _ tired _ . “I’m _ scared _. Of what you’re going to say, of what I might say … And it’ll be easier if it isn’t this exposed.” 

“So somewhere quieter,” Aaron said. 

Spencer nodded. “Or louder.” 

“I don’t really feel like yelling.” 

“Quieter, then.” 

“Quieter,” Aaron agreed. 

Spencer looked away and focused on his water while Aaron looked around at the restaurant decor until their food arrived in a brown paper bag. Aaron carried it to the door and held it open for Spencer, who followed slower with his cane. 

“Do you have any thoughts on where to go?” Aaron asked. 

“There’s that little courtyard by the theater,” Spencer said. “The one with the lights and the fountain?” 

Aaron knew the one. They’d met there for lunch a few times, and on one memorable occasion, made out next to the fountain after a movie. Back before _ everything _. He nodded and they walked in silence. It was a weeknight, and the area wasn’t busy, so it was easy to find a stone bench next to the fire pit. Spencer sat down carefully, leaning on his cane and keeping his weight off his left foot. 

Aaron dug through the bag and pulled his meal, then passed Spencer’s over. 

“Thanks,” Spencer said. 

They sat in silence that could almost be comfortable but wasn’t _ quite _ for a few minutes, a few feet between them. Their food steamed in the cool, early-spring air. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Aaron saw Spencer’s hand shake as he lifted his fork. “Is that from the nerve damage?” 

“Yes,” Spencer said, a little too quickly. He frowned and set the fork down, flexing his fingers. “Comes and goes.” 

“And your foot?” 

“Getting better,” Spencer said. “I’m learning how to use a prosthetic to walk, so I won’t need the cane.” 

“Big toe?” 

“First two,” Spencer said. He pushed his fork around in his food. 

“And you still need the cane?” 

“I don’t _ really _ need it,” Spencer said, voice surprisingly calm. “But I still have a lot of pain when I walk without it. It helps.” 

Aaron nodded. He took a few more bites, then put his fork down. “Why did you do it?” he asked, watching Spencer. 

Spencer closed his eyes and swallowed. “That’s a hell of a question to lead on.” 

“It’s the only one I have.” 

Spencer looked at him. “The _ only _ one?” 

“The rest depend on your answer.” 

Spencer’s eyes widened just enough for Aaron to notice before he looked back down. “I’d just watched you kill a man.” 

“I’ve killed men before.” 

“Not like _ that_.” 

“How do you know?” 

“Because I _ know you_. You _ let _him do that.” 

“How is it any different from any other unsub that forces my hand?” Aaron asked. He heard his heartbeat, heavy, in his ears. “They made their choices, and I will always make the one that keeps innocent people—and the people I _ love _—safe.” 

“I don’t…” Spencer started, shaking his head. “I was so scared, Aaron,” he whispered. “That day with Foyet, it was—it’s—” He took a breath. “I don’t know if I’ll ever have an answer. Not a good one. All I could think of was getting as far removed from all of it as I could.” 

Aaron looked at his hands. “And that included me.” 

“Yes,” Spencer whispered. The tone of his voice made Aaron look back up at him. His eyes were bright and he was blinking quickly. 

“You were the one who helped me believe that I couldn’t blame myself for what people like Foyet do,” Aaron said. It had taken him weeks to fully understand why Spencer’s actions had hurt so much, and in this strange, horrible moment he hoped his words did the same thing. “But as soon as _ you’re _ the one hurt, you’re happy putting all the blame on me.” He _ wanted _ to make Spencer hurt for this. 

From the wince, he guessed it worked, at least a little. 

“I know,” Spencer whispered. 

Aaron waited a beat. “And?” 

“And _ what? _”

Aaron stared at him. “Why are we even here, if you don’t have more than that?” 

“Because—” Spencer licked his lips. “I…” 

Aaron waited one more moment, then stood. “You know what, I don’t know why I came,” he said, pulling his car keys out of his pocket. “Keep the cookies,” he added as he started walking. 

“No—wait, Aaron—” 

He heard Spencer curse, and the sound of his cane scraping on the bench, but he refused to look back, instead putting his head down and glaring at the sidewalk as he tried to remember how to get to his car. He felt dizzy. He heard Spencer’s voice behind him, but didn’t think much about it until the fingers closed around his arm. 

He whirled, pulling away from the touch and bringing his arm up, and the sudden motion was enough to make Spencer stumble and grimace as his weight all landed on his left foot. 

“_What do you want? _ ” Aaron demanded, the edges of his world tilting and blurring. He was distantly aware of a couple staring at them from a cafe patio. It was hard to care, but he still lowered his voice. “You said you wanted to talk, so either talk or I’m leaving and we’re _ done_.” 

“It’s—what I’m trying to say, it’s—it’s hard—” 

Aaron lifted his hand. “Stop,” he said. “Just stop.” He took a deep breath. “Please don’t call me again.” He turned and knew that Spencer wouldn’t follow him this time.

* * *

When his phone rang at four in the morning, Aaron only answered because it was Rossi’s ringtone. “Hello?” he mumbled. 

“I need you to meet me at the hospital.” 


	31. Chapter 31

“I need you to meet me at the hospital.” 

Aaron sat up, rubbing his eyes. “What? Why?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re here.” 

Aaron got out of bed and went to grab a pair of jeans. “What happened?” he asked. “Is it Morgan?” Then, in a panic, “JJ? _ Henry?_”

“No, the team is fine,” Rossi said. Aaron heard a sigh. “He told me I shouldn’t call.”

Aaron froze, something coiling in his stomach. He pulled the phone away from his ear, staring at it, and very nearly hung up. 

He heard Rossi’s voice and lifted the phone back up. 

“—ron? You there?”

“What happened?” Aaron asked, voice hard. 

“He really should be the one to tell you. Please, I’m asking this as your friend.” 

Aaron put his phone on speaker and tossed it on the bed. “Why are _ you _ there?” he asked, stepping into his jeans. 

“He listed me as an emergency contact in his phone,” Dave said. “Look, the main entrance is locked until 5, I’ll wait in the lobby so you don’t have to go through the ER.” 

Aaron pulled on a t-shirt. “Thanks. Be there in twenty.” 

* * *

Rossi was sitting in the lobby as promised when Aaron pulled up. He parked his car in the valet zone, noting that he had 30 minutes until they opened and probably had him towed, and got out. Rossi was waiting for him and opened the locked doors from the inside. “C’mon,” he said, jerking his head. 

Aaron followed. “What _ happened?_” he asked again.

“Nuh-uh,” Rossi said, shaking his head. “I’m not getting in the middle of this.” 

The knot in Aaron’s stomach tightened, and only got worse as he followed. 

“Look,” Rossi said, as the elevator doors opened and they stepped onto the patient floor, “I’ll say this much. I want you to know, you’re my friend first. No matter what.” 

“What a comforting lead-in.” 

“Just—you shouldn't feel pressured into anything.” 

Aaron stopped walking. Dave turned and looked at him. “Did he hurt himself?” 

Dave sighed, gaze going to the wall. “In a way. Yes.” 

Aaron wanted to run, but instead he nodded, and took step after step until Dave stopped in front of a door. The blinds were shut. 

“Ready?” Dave asked. 

Aaron tilted his head forward. 

Dave opened the door and walked in first, Aaron following. “Hey, kiddo,” he said. The lights were dim, but Spencer was awake, eyes open and looking out the window. 

He saw Aaron in the reflection and pushed himself up, turned an accusing look at Dave. 

“Like I wasn’t going to call him,” Dave said, waving a hand. “Please talk to him, there’s no reason not to now.” 

Spencer’s gaze went from Dave to Aaron, to the wall and then back to Aaron before finally dropping to his lap. His hands were there, palm-up, and he rubbed his fingertips together before nodding. 

“Thank you,” Dave said. He put a hand on Aaron’s shoulder. “I’m going home. Want me to move your car?” 

Aaron nodded and dug his keys out of his pocket. 

“I’ll leave them at the desk for you,” Dave said as he took them. 

Aaron waited for the sound of the door closing before taking a step forward. “What did you do?” 

Spencer squeezed his eyes shut. “It was an accident.” 

“I was asleep less than an hour ago, and it isn’t even five in the morning,” Aaron said. “I think I deserve an explanation.” 

“No one’s making you stay,” Spencer snapped. “You made yourself perfectly clear earlier that we were done.” 

Aaron shook his head and looked around. Most hospitals had converted to electronic records, the era of patient clipboards hanging off the bed long past. He wouldn’t be able to access the computer, but there might be some kind of backup somewhere in the event of a power outage. He started opening the cabinets

“What are you doing?” 

Aaron ignored him. He found medical supplies, gloves, bandages. Nothing in the cabinets. He moved to the drawers, over Spencer’s protest, then looked at the dark computer monitor and spotted the small drawer in the stand. There was a lock on it, but when he tried, he found it open. There was a folder inside. Aaron picked it up. 

“Okay, I—I overdosed!” 

Aaron blinked, staring at the folder in his hands for a moment, then looked up. “What?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper. 

Spencer pulled his knees up and lowered his head, his hands going to his hair. “I overdosed,” he repeated, his voice breaking this time. 

Aaron put the folder back and closed the drawer, then crossed over to the visitor’s chair. He sat down and waited until Spencer’s breath evened. “On what?” 

“Dilaudid.” 

Aaron nodded once. “Tell me what happened. From the start.” 

Spencer turned his head enough to look at Aaron with one eye. “You sure?” 

“If nothing else,” Aaron said, “I want to understand.” 

“When you said we were done, did you mean it?” 

Aaron sighed. “I did in that moment,” he admitted. “I don’t know now.” 

“Is it what you want?” 

“Spencer,” Aaron said, closing his eyes. “I don’t know.” There was a moment of silence, then he heard rustling, and Spencer’s hand covered his. He looked up, gaze falling on Spencer’s arm, and he saw track marks in the crook of his elbow. He sucked in a breath, staring at them, and reached out. He stopped before touching them, fingers hovering over Spencer’s skin. 

How had he missed this?

The first part of the answer was easy. Spencer had been wearing long sleeves every time he’d seen him since _ that day _. But the next part—

The aggression to the simple questions, the circles under his eyes, the shaking in his hand and the way he’d held his arm…

He lifted his gaze and met Spencer’s. “When you came over, you said there’s a lot between us to figure out.” 

Spencer nodded. 

“The only way to do that is to be honest.” 

Spencer took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said, pulling his hand back. “It…” 

There was a knock on the door before it opened and a nurse walked in. “Good morning,” he said. “Mind if I turn on the lights?” 

“Go ahead,” Spencer said. 

“Thanks." Aaron winced when the overhead fluorescents came on. “I’ll be quick, just some vital checks. Did you get any sleep?” 

“No,” Spencer said. 

“You should try. Any tightness of breath or wheezing?” The nurse logged into the computer and started typing. 

“No.” 

“Pain at the injection site?” 

“No more than normal.” 

“Nausea?” 

“A little.” 

“Okay. Want anything for it?” 

Spencer shook his head. “It’s not that bad.” 

“Alright. Let me know if you change your mind. Blood pressure’s been pretty stable.” He walked over and put on his stethoscope, slipping his hand under the collar of Spencer’s gown. It pulled the garment down a little and Aaron saw a scar he wasn’t familiar with. “Sounds good,” the nurse said, straightening and looping the stethoscope back around his neck. “Any other symptoms you’ve noticed, other discomfort?” 

“I have a pretty bad headache,” Spencer said. 

“I’ll get you some ibuprofen.” The nurse looked at Aaron and smiled. “Who’s your friend?” 

“This is Aaron,” Spencer said, looking at him. “My…” He trailed off, tilting his head and frowning a little. 

Aaron stared back, equally unsure. After a moment, he reached out and took Spencer’s hand, squeezing. 

That seemed to be enough of an answer for the nurse, who nodded. “I’m glad you have someone to be here with you,” he said. “That isn’t always the case.” He went back to the computer and typed a few more things in. “You’re looking good, all things considered. I know you probably want to get out of here. Someone will be by in the next few hours to talk about options, then provided everything is still going well, a floor physician will get you discharged. Any questions?” 

“No,” Spencer answered. 

“Alright. I’ll be back in a minute.” He left, leaving Spencer and Aaron alone. 

Spencer looked down at their hands, still clasped together. “Thank you,” he murmured. 

“Don’t thank me yet,” Aaron said. 

The hurt that flashed through Spencer’s eyes was as rewarding as it was painful to see. The sensation of his hand pulling away, though, made Aaron feel like he’d just been punched in the gut. 

The door opened and the nurse came back in with a pill cup in hand. He filled a paper cup with water and handed both to Spencer. 

Spencer accepted them and swallowed the pills, and handed the cups back. 

“Try to get some rest, okay?” the nurse said, and left, turning the overhead lights off as he did. 

“He’s right,” Aaron said. “You should get some rest.” 

Spencer nodded. He took a breath, hesitated, then, voice small, “Please don’t leave.” 

_ Don’t ever leave me again _. 

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” Aaron promised. 

Spencer settled down on his side, facing Aaron. “Thank you,” he said, then added, “Even if I shouldn’t yet.” 

Aaron huffed a soft laugh. “You’re welcome.” 

* * *

“Yeah, I’m still here,” Aaron said into his phone, looking out the window. “He’s been asleep since about five.” 

“Good. He tell you what happened?” 

“Yeah.” Aaron looked down at his coffee, watery brown in a styrofoam cup. “Will you tell me more now?” 

“I don’t have much more to give you,” Rossi said. “The hospital called me around ten, a friend found him in his apartment a few hours before that.” 

Aaron sat down and set the coffee on the windowsill. “What friend?” 

“I don’t know, can’t say I thought to ask.” 

Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose. “Dave, this is all my fault. He tried to talk to me yesterday and I didn’t listen.” 

“Hey, this is _ not _ your fault. You don’t get to blame yourself for something he did, you hear me?”

“If I’d just been more patient…” 

“You’re perfectly within your rights to be impatient sometimes, you know.” 

“I seem to recall you telling me to wait as long as I had to.” 

“Yes,” Rossi admitted. “But I didn’t say you had to always be graceful about it.” 

“I’m starting to think you pull all of your advice out of your ass.” 

“I resemble that remark!” 

Aaron chuckled and the smile felt unfamiliar. “Thanks, Dave.” 

“Anytime, pal.” 

“See you tomorrow,” Aaron said, and closed his phone. 

“He’s right, you know,” he heard from behind him. 

Aaron turned. Spencer’s eyes were squeezed shut and he was frowning. “What?” 

“You shouldn’t blame yourself for this. And you’ve given me more patience than I deserve.” 

Aaron sighed and rubbed his face. “You sleep well?” 

“Not really.” Spencer opened his eyes for a moment, then quickly closed them again. “Damn,” he whispered. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m going back into detox.” 

“Oh.” 

“Thank you for staying,” Spencer murmured. “It was nice to not feel alone.” 

“You’re not alone,” Aaron said, sitting and reaching for Spencer’s hand, but Spencer snatched it away as soon as they touched. 

“You don’t have to stay anymore.” 

“Of course I do.” 

Spencer made a low, frustrated sound. “You’re giving me whiplash.” 

“What?” 

“Nothing. I know Dave had to convince you to even come. You’re only here because…” 

“Because you asked,” Aaron said. “And, if I’m honest, because I want to be.” 

“_ So _ glad we’re being honest now.” 

Aaron made himself take a breath. “Spencer…” 

There was a knock on the door before it opened. “Good morning!” a woman announced herself. “My name is Nora. Are you Spencer Reid?” 

“Yes.”

“Perfect. Is now a good time to talk?” 

Spencer nodded, his back to her. 

“And your guest, are you comfortable speaking in front of him?” 

Spencer looked up at Aaron. He didn’t answer for a moment, then nodded again. “Yes.” 

“Alright then. I’m a volunteer with the Virginia Opioid Crisis Center serving the Greater Alexandria Area. How are we doing today?” 

Spencer turned his face into the pillow and groaned. “How do you think we’re doing?” 

She tisked. “Is this your first time being hospitalized because of illegal drug use?” 

“No,” Spencer said, and Aaron had to close his eyes at the way the world tilted strangely at that fact. 

“Are you planning to attempt a full detox?”

“Yes.” 

“And have you done that before?” 

“Once.” 

“That can be a blessing and a curse,” Nora said. “At least you have some idea of what to expect. So, I’m going to be leaving you some information about rehab facilities in the area. Do you have any thoughts on what you’d like to do for that?” 

“I’m not going to a facility.” 

“It is, of course, your choice, however we do strongly recommend—” 

“I said I’m not going to a facility!” Spencer’s voice was high and sharp. 

“Alright,” the woman said, keeping her voice calm. “Do you have someone to help you? You’re in for a rough few days.” 

“Yes,” Aaron said before Spencer could answer. 

She looked at him. “Have you done this before?” 

“Not this, exactly.” 

“Exactly?” she questioned. 

“I have extensive first aid experience and am familiar with the symptoms and behavior changes,” Aaron said. 

“Then you have some idea of what you’re in for, but I’m going to leave some information for you as well. Support lines you can call, some tips and resources. There are going to be some symptoms to watch out for—rare, but they could indicate something potentially life-threatening. The floor attending will go over them when you.” 

“Thank you,” Aaron said. 

“Spencer, do you have any questions for me right now, or do you want to talk through any other options?” 

“No,” Spencer said. “I don’t need anything.” 

“We have a 24/7 hotline, the number is on every brochure and if you call 911 from anywhere in the Greater Alexandria Area, a dispatcher can connect you as well. There are resources for you, please do not hesitate to reach out.” She looked between Aaron and Spencer, who still hadn’t made any movement to look at her. “I’ll ask the floor physician to come by as soon as she can, I’m sure you’ll want to be at home for the worst of it.” 

Spencer didn’t say anything so Aaron nodded and met the woman’s eyes. “Thank you,” he said, a dismissal, and she left. 

“I’m sorry,” Spencer whispered. 

“For what?”

“For all of this.” 

Aaron leaned forward and pressed his lips to Spencer’s hair. He felt him tense and flinch. “You didn’t do this,” he murmured.

“Yes, actually I did.” 

“Only because someone else hurt you.” Aaron pulled back and found Spencer’s gaze. There were silent tears falling from his eyes. “You’re right that there’s a lot between us to figure out. But I believe we can.” 

“Yesterday you said we were done.” 

“Yesterday I didn’t understand what you were trying to tell me.” 

“You figured that out, huh?” 

“Was it an anniversary?” Aaron asked. 

Spencer smiled, wry, and it didn’t reach his eyes. “One whole month.” 

“That’s amazing,” Aaron said. 

“_ Was _,” Spencer corrected. 

“Still,” Aaron said. “You did it once. You can do it again.” 

Spencer closed his eyes and nodded. 

“Dave said a friend found you?” 

“Ethan,” Spencer said. “We were in the same therapy group.” 

Aaron frowned. “How did he get in?” 

“He has a key.” 

Aaron looked at him. “Just a friend?” 

“Are you jealous, Aaron Hotchner?” 

“I’m—” Aaron frowned. “I’m not.” 

“He’s just a friend,” Spencer said, then licked his lips. “And—benefits. But it’s not…” 

“It’s okay,” Aaron said. “It’s okay. Let’s just get you discharged and get you home, and we’ll figure the rest out later, okay?” 

Spencer nodded, eyes clenched shut again. “Okay.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a kink!meme prompt: 
> 
> Au: Hotch/Reid  
Worn out and from inner demons haunted!Hotch is looking for help and maybe absolution? He finds all that and more in priest!Reid, who is such a nice and understanding guy (well innocent, adorable and a little bit awkward too).  
Hotch falls in love with him, tries to seduce him, but Reid is oblivious, so he has to use a little bit force to get what he wants.(No rape please, just a little bit of pushing Reid in the right direction.)


End file.
